Your personal one-liners!

[manicfoot]

I say "shit my neck out of my ear" whenever I'm getting pwned by a game. My friend says "lets drown this baby up a notch!" whenever he's psyched to do something which I find hilarious.

 

[Elurindel]

I find my one-liners and witty retorts are found as purity in the crucible of multiplayer, where all the crap floats to the top and you have to fight through it to be heard.
One time I was playing against some French in Worms 2, and they were badmouthing my country, etc. which I didn't particularly care about, so I said to them "Je deteste vous, je deteste votre payes, je deteste votre norriture, je deteste votre langue et je deteste votre visage."
Which I found hilarious at the time.
Later on, they said "The queen suck black dick", to which I responded "Which means she gets more action than you ever have."

But my real one-liners come from FPS's. Memorable ones include:
*When playing Wolfenstein: Enemy Territory, I was running out in the initial rush, only to my horror to see that an enemy Field Ops had thrown out an airstrike beacon right in front of me. Instinctively, I kicked out as the Field Ops opened the door of a building to take cover, knocking the beacon into the building with him, causing him to be splattered by his own airstrike. At this point, I quipped "I'm one foot ahead of you."
*When playing Call of Duty 4, I noticed somebody on the other team had the name Wolfenstein. Getting a headshot on him with my R700, I then quipped "Looks like you're in Enemy Territory now."
*Others include my Left 4 Dead ones, like when I killed a Smoker after his attempt to grab me failed, and the guy just lunged at me in the attempt of doing some damage. I pushed him back into the flames and said "No smoke without fire."
*Or whenever I kill a Boomer before it can vomit, and it doesn't spatter on anybody, I say "Looks like somebody detonated prematurely."

 

[SiliconKnight]

Shhh...I think I can hear my I.Q. dropping- coversation with any idiot

Brilliant, can I use this?

Of course, I would love to hear this one attacking the idiots of the world

 

[v3cks]

Mitch Hedberg is the king of one liners

FTFY

 

[Bolverk]

My friend asked me if I was smoking a cigarette (which is does NOT approve of) and I replied with 'Nah...I'm smoking a chicken'. Lame I know, but she was stumped for a minute trying to figure it out...She's not the brightest cookie in the box.

I say something and one of my friends says 'Hey! That's my line!' I reply with 'I stole it fair and square.' Which, ironically, I stole from one of my friends in the first place.

Retort to a pick up line:
GUY: I'd go to the end of the world for you..
GIRL: But would you stay there?

This isn't so much a one liner, as I thought it was adorable. A guy came up to me when I was visiting a school for a singing thing and he dropped some ice cubes on the ground and crushed them under his foot and said 'Now that I've broken the ice, would you like to go out sometime?'. It was the most original pick up line I'd heard, so he ended up with a date out of it.

 

[Naterstein]

"Thats the only shade of green it gets." (referring to people with sloooooow reactions at a stoplight)

"You are taking me to a whole new level of pissed off."

"

My best is when a guy wanted to fight me. I kicked his ass pretty brutally and while he was on the ground I whipped it out and pissed all over him. Best one-liner ever.

If thats true thats awesome. Ive always said I was gonna do that.

 

[vid20]

Mine's a pick-up line.
"Excuse me, miss, does this wrag smell of chloroform?"

hahahahha. oh dear.

Ok, at work one of my mates asked me to get some more tomato reish from the fridge. I promptly replied "I will relish the moment"

 

[Zig13]

[When someone rhetorically asks why an item of technology is not working for them]

Cos it dosn't like you


[To break awkwardness/silence]

In other news, things happen

 

[dead_beat_slacker]

I say "Deez Nuts" alot. And "F*ck Sake" oh and "the sh*t?"

 

[Korhal]

Demetri Martin is the king of one liners

FTFY

Nah, I'm pretty sure I had it right the first time, so I fixed it back. Mitch Hedberg is overrated... or rather, overquoted. I get extremely tired of hearing people repeat his jokes over and over, typically poorly, and though some of his bits are golden, not all of them (or even most of them) are.

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'" -Demetri Martin

 

[gamshobny]

When someone's looking for something:
"Beamed up."

example:
"Where's my fork?"
"It got beamed up."

And you'll be amazed of how much you can use the fraze "I got hungry..." (at least, in dutch).

 

[Dr Pussymagnet]

"I'm killing you with a weapon!"

 

[barryween]

Fu!@% You is usually my response to any thing but i dont have a one liner. When someone says something I dont care about I say "I dont give a jack...Off!"

 

[barryween]

Also When someone says something amazing I say "Fozrealz!?" (For real). Also this is real juvenile but if im in a pissy mood or not paying attention I respond with "Your Mom!"

 

[Iron Mal]

When things go wrong: Oh dear God...I'm gonna die...
After using the chainsaw in Gears of War: Some are born to use the chainsaw, some have chainsaws thrust upon them.
When something is good: Groovy
Description for something good or powerful: Bearded or bearded up (eg: I am very bearded)

I could probably list more but I'd be here for far too long just listing phrases.

 

[Archemetis]

I tend to put anything i can think of on the end of "Jesus in/on a..." and the rest will assurdedly send me to hell when i die.

the ebst one i came up with whilst actually having a discussion with someone at a shop:
"Jesus on a fucking unicycle, juggling pigs in wheelbarrows..."

I think i've earned my time in hell...

 

[BrightDeathFriend]

In certain situations when people deliberately wind me up I retort with:

"spoons to you fritzie!"

...a little childish i know, but this was a few years ago.I don't really say that anymore. But if people can use a phrase like that from childhood to an old age then that's a nice thing. Good on you people! = )

 

[YouGetWhatsGiven]

I don't give a rats Ass..trnomical caculations.

 

[Bleak777]

"Thats the only shade of green it gets." (referring to people with sloooooow reactions at a stoplight)

"You are taking me to a whole new level of pissed off."

"

My best is when a guy wanted to fight me. I kicked his ass pretty brutally and while he was on the ground I whipped it out and pissed all over him. Best one-liner ever.

If thats true thats awesome. Ive always said I was gonna do that.

Lets just say that guy didn't have any creds after that. I bet he cried himself to sleep a lot, too.

 

[v3cks]

Demetri Martin is the king of one liners

FTFY

Nah, I'm pretty sure I had it right the first time, so I fixed it back. Mitch Hedberg is overrated... or rather, overquoted. I get extremely tired of hearing people repeat his jokes over and over, typically poorly, and though some of his bits are golden, not all of them (or even most of them) are.

"'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'" -Demetri Martin

Demitri Martin is really great, very true. His one liners are fantastic, and he's definitely one of my favorite comedians. I think Mitch Hedberg is best though, but much worse when he is quoted. His comedy is mostly, if not all in his delivery, and nobody can match it. That's why quoting him generally sucks. It's like Family Guy. If someone repeats back a story about Family Guy, it will NEVER be funny, because it's all in the delivery. Mitch Hedberg has tons of genius stuff though, things that are simply overlooked as being funny. Who looks at rice, or an escalator and thinks it's funny? Mitch Hedberg does.