Your personal one-liners!

[Andraste]

I play a lot of pool. Off the break I got 3 solids in and quickly said: "Looks like there's a solid advantage".

Nice. See, now that is a slick one-liner.

Just imagine saying that while wearing a tux, raising one eyebrow, holding a dame in one arm, and looking at a dead guy who just got hit (And killed) by a solid pool ball.

Oh. You mean old school James Bond-style stuff.

After doing something good and receiving praise, "That's why I make the big bucks." Ironically, also works when you do something really dumb.

Also, saying to other people what they are thinking about you. Do something really weird, say to the person, "You're weird." There's really no response.

 

[Hunde Des Krieg]

This thread is really making me want to watch Hot Fuzz.

"Ever fire a gun whilst jumping through the air?"
"No."
"Ever fired two guns whilst jumping through the air?"
"No!"

"Ever been in a high speed pursuit?"
"Yes"
"Ever fired a gun whilst in a high speed pursuit?"
"No"

 

[ICantBelieveItGoesBoom]

once there a an amazingly sexy catfight at my school and when they were finished (a teacher came and took them both to her office) i was at the back of the crowd of people watching n said "did anyone else orgasm during that?" loads of faces turned to me some with disgusted looks others laughing like shit

 

[xXyZaThEx]

"Your Haagen Daays are over" from the Simpsons can be used at ANY TIME.

 

[s0denone]

once there a an amazingly sexy catfight at my school and when they were finished (a teacher came and took them both to her office) i was at the back of the crowd of people watching n said "did anyone else orgasm during that?" loads of faces turned to me some with disgusted looks others laughing like shit

"Yes! The results are back.... You're the missing link!"

 

[curlycrouton]

When someone says to you:

"If you looked up stupid in the Dictionary there'd be a picture of you".

Response:

"Some of us don't have to look up "stupid" in the Dictionary. Also, my Dictionary doesn't come with pictures."

That's an Ed Byrne joke isn't it?

Not really, but he uses it a lot in his material.

 

[Beowulf DW]

Oh! I just remembered:

Jerk: "You're a goody little two-shoes!"

*chick-chick* *BOOM*

Good guy: "Good...Bad...I'm the guy with the gun."

 

[tbare]

Demetri Martin is the king of one liners

"we all know a drunk driver is dangerous... but so is a drunk backseat driver... if he's persuasive.. 'take a left here...' 'dude, those are trees!' '...trust me...'" - demetri...

 

[TheRightToArmBears]

"If I were you I'd hang myself". After someone says "If I were you...

 

[HuntingWolf_01]

"It takes one to know one and fuck he's one of us!!"

 

[DannyBoy451]

"This can ONLY end well", when I observe someone doing something retarded.

 

[RhinoTuna]

My brother works as a paramedic and has to deal with drunk people all the time. One time, this drunk guy was getting REALLY rowdy in the back of the ambulance, so my brother told him to settle down. Well the guy took a swing at him, so my brother ducked the punch, grabbed the guy's head, smoked it off an oxygen tank, and seriously added 'Take a breather'. Awesome.

You're brother sounds like an action movie.

I play a lot of pool. Off the break I got 3 solids in and quickly said: "Looks like there's a solid advantage".

Hahahaha, sounds like something James Bond would say if Casino Royale was called Billiards Royale.

 

[SpikedDeception]

I'm prone - in Left 4 Dead - say, when I have the auto-shotty...

"I'm sorry, did my BULLETS hit your FACE? That's what I thought."

 

[Worr Monger]

Val Verde Soldier: .... And if you want your kid back, then you gotta cooperate. Right?!


John Matrix: WRONG! - *BANG*

 

[bad rider]

After someone say's something retarded or unhelpful "ok quit chasing your tail and sniffing you crotch and start being helpful"

History of that - friend trys to talk to me about his podcast thing and how he's trying to get someone called anna to not be go on it. She is at our sixth form and he wasn't being helpful. Obviously this had been going on for a couple of minutes before hand. I've changed names to conceal identitys.
Me> who is anna
Him> i'm too nice
Him> she's in our year
Me> ....
Him> i used to go to highschool with her (i used to fancy her)
Him> i kinda hate her abit now
Me> who is she ffs
Me> You are helping like a dog when you are trying to build a boat
Me> eg being fucking useless and running round in circles and not helping
Him> well wot do u want to know bout her?
Me> who is she
Him> be a bit more specific ffs e.g your like a persistant person that keeps asking non specific questions when thats really what they want the answer to
me> Ok try and tell me who she is instead of loose details about how you fantasize about her. Eg you know anna she is in our physics, you know anna the blonde girl who wears that shirt with i love greenday on it or i can't really say all of which are helpful answers

 

[axia777]

I have none, one liners are lame.

 

[tehbeard]

I was playing a grifball match, I got flung high up into the air, and as I came down I brained someone with the bomb, yelling out Beard of Fury!

In battlefiled: Bad Company, I was specialist w/ C4, I plastered a wall behind a crate, walked back gto my squadmates hiding in a bush.
Knock, knock.
Took out 3 guys who had been hiding between the wall and the crate.

Bit of tangent, but while playing frontlines: fuel of war, Invasion map. Our squad piled into a transport heli and gunship. As we took off, the squad leader played "ride of the valkyries".

Edit: Just remebered another one liner, the answer to everything.
Nuts on the road.

 

[Lord_Ascendant]

"Yeah, because Jell-O is a fruit"
- Retort to "Jell-O is a food group"

"Craptoast on a stick"
- breaking my microwave

"You remind me of a combination of a Hydralisk and a Chaos Space Marine."
- on a friends halloween costume

"But lead tastes funny"
- in response to someone in l4d saying "eat lead"

"Yes, Zordon"
- Said this into ym cell phone to freak out my friends once so every time someone says 'do this, do that'


"Sparkletastical!"
- Description of what a sparkler was to a friend

 

[Connor Lonske]

"I! AM! GODDDDDDD!!!!!!

 

[Lord_Ascendant]

Playing Airsoft with friends, I have a sniper rifle. Anyways I get shot but as I'm going "down" I whipped out two pistols and said "Even in death I serve the Emperor!" and blasted them.