Your worst joke

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Martymer

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Mar 17, 2009
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Of the GTA4 comedy acts, one is actually funny...

HIV came to humans from chimps, who got it from monkeys. Now, imagine being the first human to be diagnosed with HIV. How'd that go?
"You're the first human to contract HIV!"
"Oh... Is that... bad?"
"Yup, you're gonna die."
"Oh... So how did I get it?"
"Well... I can think of two ways... One is, you fucked a chimp in the ass."
"Oh... And what's the other one?"
"Well, I suppose you could have been cutting up chimp meat and accidentally cut yoursel..."
"Yeah, that one!"

Then you go back to the jungle to see that fucking chimp...
"You fucking chimp! You gave me HIV!"
"Oh... Sorry."
"Sorry!? I'm gonna die you idiot!!"
"Well that sucks... But... How'd I get it?"
"From eating monkeys, I suppose..."
"EATING MONKEYS!? That's sick, I don't eat monkeys!"
"Well, you're either eating them or fucking them..."
"Yeah, OK, I ate one..."
 
SharPhoe

SharPhoe

The Nice-talgia Kerrick
Feb 28, 2009
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LilGherkin said:
Tom: Hey, Mitch, you still dating that girl?
Mitch: No, she bled to death from Gonorrhea.
Tom: You don't bleed to death from Gonorrhea.
Mitch: When you give it to me you do.
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I've gotta tell this one sometime.
 
SharPhoe

SharPhoe

The Nice-talgia Kerrick
Feb 28, 2009
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How many Vietnam War veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

"YOU DON'T KNOW, MAAAAN! YOU WEREN'T THEEERE!!"
 
DarthHK

DarthHK

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Jan 3, 2009
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-Knock knock.
-Who's there?
-KGB.
-KGB Who-
-WE WILL ASK THE QUESTIONS!

My personal favorite bad joke is this:

One day a small boy was walking to school. On his journey he passed a gardener. The gardener got bitten by a snake and yelled, "Oh mushrooms!" The little boy thought it was funny and laughed about it all the way to class. After the class got settled the teacher asked the little boy to answer the simple math problem, 2+2. The boy answered 7 and got it wrong. He yelled, "Oh mushrooms!" The teacher got angry and sent him down to the principal's office. The principal asked the boy why his teacher kicked him out of class. The boy told him that he yelled "Oh mushrooms!" in class. The principal suspended the boy. When the boy got home his mother asked why he was suspended. The little boy told her that he yelled "Oh mushrooms!" in class. His mother locked him into his room and told him to think about what he did until his father came home. Hours later, his father came home and asked the boy why his mother locked him in his room. The boy told him that he yelled "Oh mushrooms!" in class. His father kicked him out. So, the boy was wandering the streets when a police officer came up and stopped him. The police officer said "Aren't you a little young to be on the streets at this hour?" and asked why he was on the streets. The little boy told him that he yelled "Oh mushrooms!" in class. The police officer threw him in jail for 25 years. When he got out of jail he saw one of his old friends from school across the street. He began to cross the street and got hit by a car. The moral of the story is... always look both ways before crossing the street.
 
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ssgt splatter

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Oct 8, 2008
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JemJar said:
What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits?

A Shotgun.


Why do the French plant trees alongside their roads?

So the Germans can march in the shade.


ssgt splatter said:
This one came from a movie and I don't get it: What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee cord? My ass.
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The film was Kung Pow (Enter the Fist) and both it and this joke are AMAZING

Satki said:
Really geeky joke coming up...

Why can't you cross a mosquito with a climber?

You can't cross a scalar with a vector!
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Pedant-mode activated! Surely those should be the otherway round?
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I know what movie it's from i just don't understand the joke...if it's a joke at all.
 
ChromeAlchemist

ChromeAlchemist

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Aug 21, 2008
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ThaBenMan said:
A priest, a rabbi, and an atheist are on a plane crossing the Atlantic Ocean. There is engine trouble, and one of the wings catches on fire. The plane starts to go down. Luckily, there are enough parachutes for everyone. Evacuation is orderly.
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I couldn't not laugh at that one, actually.
 
SharPhoe

SharPhoe

The Nice-talgia Kerrick
Feb 28, 2009
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-Zen- said:
The other.
Me: "Check out this watch. It has magic powers."
Pretty Lady: "What does it do?"
Me: "It lets me know what kind of panties you're wearing."
Lady: "Really, now. What kind am I wearing."
I put my ear to the watch.
Me: "It says you're not wearing any."
Lady: "No, I'm wearing a pair."
Me: "Hm." I prod at the watch. "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Click to expand...
I think that might just be the funniest pick-up line I've ever heard.
 
catalyst8

catalyst8

New member
Oct 29, 2008
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Q: What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow?

A: Run over.


Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the light bulb's got to want to change.
 
theeconomy

theeconomy

New member
Apr 6, 2009
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3 explorers go to a remote village in south america. An Englishman, a New yorker and a, Frenchman. A tribal chief catches them and says, "We kill all trespassers and turn their skin into boats. I however, will allow you to kill yourself in any way you wish." So the Englishman says, "I'll take a gun". The chief gives him a gun the Englishman he says, "God save the Queen!" Then shoots himself in the head. The Frenchman says, "I'll take poison." The chief gives him the poison and he shouts, "Viva la France!" Then drinks the poison. The New Yorker says, "I'll take a fork." The chief gives him the fork. The New Yorker stabs himself all over and shouts, "So much for your boat assholes!"
 
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