Zero Punctuation: Castlevania: Lords of Shadow

[Monday]

Man I was worried there for a second that a review might not come out today.

 

[Azure Knight-Zeo]

Well Yahtzee hates it, off the Christmas list you go.

 

[The Bucket]

Great one, never played a Castlevania game but that made me laugh. Surprised at the length of it, guess they get points for trying

 

[Shameless]

I disagree with Yahtzee, I liked the game, but yet again I adore both God of War and Shadow of the Colossus, if only they have been more creative with the game and had Dracula in it.

 

[mazloum]

That awkward pause before 'So...where do you want the 'Like God of War But' stamp?' had me in stitches! Amazing ZP, as always.

 

[fundude365]

I love the addition of an 'Available from' section in the flavour text for this review. As if its saying; "now that you've listened to this charismatic stallion make farting noises at our game and call it a tosser for five minutes, perhaps you would like to buy it?"

 

[joemegson94]

Left 4 Dead 2 has a Portal reference and that game's awesome.

 

[Srdjan Tanaskovic]

Great one, never played a Castlevania game but that made me laugh. Surprised at the length of it, guess they get points for trying

Never played a Castlevania game? where you born 2 years ago or what?

 

[Jon Shannow]

I was kind of hoping for New Vegas but still it's good to have another classed as terrible which means i won't waste money buying it.
I am getting a bit pissed off by all these god of war rip-off games. What happened to games that try and bring something new to the table?

 

[minimacker]

Castlevania, huh?

I wish this never left SNES.

 

[vanthebaron]

I wish they would just make more handheld 2D castlevania games, instead of God of War knock offs.

you just said what everyone is thinking. damn those were fun games...and the ad's on this page are for this damned game...is that irony?

 

[WanderingFool]

So Castlevania: Lords of Shadow = God Shadows of Dante's War Inferno Colossus...

 

[Aiddon_v1legacy]

the second I heard that Satan was involved in the plot I knew it jumped the shark. Then I saw how they sloppily shoehorned Dracula into the narrative and that caused the shark TO HIT MARS. That is some SUPREMELY bad writing there. Also Yahtzee, the game was made by the creators of Clive Barker's Jericho, so bad game design is no surprise for them.

 

[harv3034]

I wish they would just make more handheld 2D castlevania games, instead of God of War knock offs.

They are thank God. I can't remember the name though. Harmony of Dispare I think.


Now, I can't really say that this surprises me in the slightest. When I heard that they were making another 3D Castlevania game I thought to simply ignore it untill it passed from everyone's minds. But, as soon as I heard that it was going to be made be Kojima, "my virgining powers of clairvoiance" told me that it was going to be "a knockoff piece of shit" because any time a new developer gets hold of an existing franchise the pretty much murder it (see the Other M ZP for additional proof).

Having made the above predictions, I can say that I'm actually pretty happy; not with the game but with the fact that my cinicism has served me well once again. Incadently this is another argument for the propoal that every gamer should be a cinic by now.


*Three ZP references. A cookiepoint to anyone who names all three in order of presintation*

 

[Iwantcandy]

dude what the fuck is you main problem cant you just have fun when playing games wich are the main poitn and after all the piece fucking garbitch of shadow of colossus what nothing more than a patetic waste of time and speace it had nothing interesting to do and you only fight so little this game had more of a better story.

Cool story bro.
Try to write more than one sentence the next time, though.
Anyways, liked the vid, and will probably not like the game, since konami decided to drop dracula until the end, just for fucking it even more up. I suggest that if they're gonna keep on doing stupid things they should at least make cool enemies like robomutantzombieunicorns FROM OUTER SPACE!

 

[Magmabear]

Never played a Castlevania game because I heard that the games sucked once it moved to 3D, so... I guess nothing has really changed.

 

[Ragsnstitches]

That portal reference joke at the end resulted in the most sincere laugh out loud moment from me. Possibly the best line in ZP yet.

 

[solidstatemind]

This was one of the best in a while: the 'Sleeping in the wet spot' comment, the imp throwing granny-panties at the band, the fart joke... all and all, very nicely done.

(I particularly liked the 'Hte Count From Sesame Street' spelled backwards: that was a very subtle touch.)

 

[Shoggoth2588]

I only played the demo and it seemed to play more like Devil May Cry...only you ride on Rao's horse and kill wargs. It didn't seem bad just...not...good...

I second the idea of turning Symphony of the Night into a Sesame Street game made possible by gamers like me.

Le gateau c'est faux!

 

[Grahav]

I expected it to suck just from the trailers.

But making a Portal joke? Oh, how much Yahtzee must have suffered.