Zero Punctuation: Final Fantasy XIII

[Cluskey]

I really wish that Final Fantasy would roll over cough once and DIE! How many games will it take before they finally wipe their hands and decide they have made enough. You know when NEVER!

If there is one thing i get to wish for when i die it will be that these f***in sequels will stop.

Please let there be an end.

Cluskey.

 

[JonahNYC]

Bought it, played it, wasn't impressed. In this day and age in video gaming it is laughable to me to release a title that is so linear. I know, later it gets better but I'm still not impressed. If you can choke through the first 20 hours of the game, there's a mediocre experience to be had. The only npc that I had any real desire to fight was titan and (SPOILER ALERT) you can't. The weapon system was a joke too. The only good thing I got out of this game was that the combat system reminded me of Xenogears and made me start to play through that again.

Linear is not a crime. I often love linear games. The problem is BORING. Final Fantasy XIII is BORING. There's not a single interesting thing about it. It's so boring that it makes grey look festive. The characters are so uninteresting I'm shocked they don't cave in on their own inaneness.

This. Is. A. Bad. Game.

 

[General BrEeZy]

I've always enjoyed Final Fantasy, but I don't know if I'd attach to that style of playing the games, like 13 and 12...idk though, maybe I'd go past 5 hours, just because I love the games so much. They really are fun, I love the 2D games, I love 7, I adore 10...put I still understand everything Yahtzee meant.

Funny review too XD
I wonder what he's up against for next weeks review...

 

[JonahNYC]

I really wish that Final Fantasy would roll over cough once and DIE! How many games will it take before they finally wipe their hands and decide they have made enough. You know when NEVER!

If there is one thing i get to wish for when i die it will be that these f***in sequels will stop.

Please let there be an end.

Cluskey.

Someone tell Square what "Final" means.

 

[yourbeliefs]

I just love all the personal attacks on Yahtzee from this review. Extra Punctuation should be a good read on Tuesday.

 

[JonahNYC]

I want to hear Ben say "twaaaat".

 

[CheckD3]

Surprise surprise, Yahtzee doesn't like a JRPG, oooooo

I was surprised Yahtzee actually reviewed this game, I was expecting him to just say fuck it and do something else, I'm actually kinda upset, I thought he'd be doing God of War III and found out I was wrong, isn't that great?

Guess this answered the questions in my head if opening the new bar would get int he way of playing his games...hopefully they figure out how to operate a buy napkins, you just click your character instead of Yahtzee, choose buy and then select napkins, just make sure you have money otherwise you could end up really fucked over in the end...

 

[Otterpoet]

Five hours... well, Yahtzee I tip my hat to you. I barely made it through the /first/ hour. One of the first games I've actually gotten mad at. "WTF is going on? Who the ^$%& are these people? Why does that black guy have a bird living in his Afro?! Am I supposed to do something more than press a button to attack? Am I actually attacking?"

* eject *

Normally, the man exaggerates for the sake of satire, but holy crap... this one was spot on! Who the hell can drudge through 20 hours of this before it 'gets good'?!

 

[JonahNYC]

Five hours... well, Yahtzee I tip my hat to you. I barely made it through the /first/ hour. One of the first games I've actually gotten mad at. "WTF is going on? Who the ^$%& are these people? Why does that black guy have a bird living in his Afro?! Am I supposed to do something more than press a button to attack? Am I actually attacking?"

* eject *

Normally, the man exaggerates for the sake of satire, but holy crap... this one was spot on! Who the hell can drudge through 20 hours of this before it 'gets good'?!

Even I know that was a Chocobo. But the black character was borderline offensive. Nearly Stepin Fetchit.

 

[Lagwalker]

Heh love seeing game i like getting bashed as well. thing is he is not wrong on a single point.

 

[Wounded Melody]

Even I know that was a Chocobo. But the black character was borderline offensive. Nearly Stepin Fetchit.

In what regards exactly?

 

[Carnagath]

Bought it, played it, wasn't impressed. In this day and age in video gaming it is laughable to me to release a title that is so linear. I know, later it gets better but I'm still not impressed. If you can choke through the first 20 hours of the game, there's a mediocre experience to be had. The only npc that I had any real desire to fight was titan and (SPOILER ALERT) you can't. The weapon system was a joke too. The only good thing I got out of this game was that the combat system reminded me of Xenogears and made me start to play through that again.

I so wanted to fight Titan too! Preferrably with around 500M HP, so that it can last about as long as Yiazmat in FFXII. Unfortunately they went "casual" and the ultimate mission is a 6 minute fight that you have to grind 15 hours for. Bleh.

 

[PrinzMegahertz]

I'm in the rather comfortable position to watch my roommate play Final Fantasy 13 and so far, I 90 Percent agree with the review. The linear levels are laughable. I think the most offensive things are the "forks" where you can decide to take the short route and save two seconds or take the long route and find a chest. Whoa, that's a tough decission. But I like the irony of the game - the characters entering the game on a train, without knowing that they will never leave it's tracks.

Anyway, I really like the black guy. He is the only likable figure in the game. The rest sucks. Like Yahtzee, I especially dislike Vanilla - her breasts are sooo large for what they should be like that playing this game makes me file like I'm the target audience for a game for perverts - or wait, I'm not playing this game, my roommate is.

And when "Hope" appeared, we exchanged looks and said "oh, here is the mandatory traumatized emo kid! I never got into that character Type (i didnt't like evangelion), but I didn't mind it in Final Fantasy 7 because at that time it was a novum in the final fantasy series. I hated 8 though and stopped playing it after battling the same stupid spider boss monster for about 10 times in a row. I came back later for a quick glance at Tydus and his complex relationship with his emotionaly detached father who is the captain of a local football team as well as a big monster trying to eat the world. Yes!

For the most part, I like the final fantasy way of storytelling. I like the mixture of fantasy and science fiction that the western world is seriously lacking. The stories always have a twist in them that I rarely see coming (or at least I did before I started reading spoilers on the internet). But the character design gets worse and worse and has reached the degree of nerdiness that even I can't get into anymore...

 

[Rift Reilous]

FF6 was the best game in the series? No. FF7 by far. FF6 had shallow characters and a generic storyline that didn't even try to go deeper than "save the world from evil empire". It wasn't a bad game, it was just the STANDARD for RPGs at the time. It also had very a very basic system for character improvement that involved little or no ingenuity, as opposed to, say, Materia, Junction, Ability learning, the Sphere-Grid/Chrystarium/Weapon "leveling", and the License Board. FF7 made RPGs into something far more involved.
As for FFXIII, one of the few legitimate complaints Yahtzee made (from a critic standpoint; his hatred for the characters only acts as humor) was that the game should've been good from the start, and not taken a while to get momentum. Many games are like this, but FFXIII had an especially long "tutorial" period. Nevertheless, had he actually played for longer, he (or rather, fact) would've attested to vast improvements in the storyline and gameplay. Complaining about the storyline and the characters lacks substance when you've only spent five hours with the game. After all, no good story allows you to know everything you want to at the beginning. Still, the review was amusing.

 

[PrinzMegahertz]

FF6 was the best game in the series? No. FF7 by far. FF6 had shallow characters and a generic storyline that didn't even try to go deeper than "save the world from evil empire". It wasn't a bad game, it was just the STANDARD for RPGs at the time. It also had very a very basic system for character improvement that involved little or no ingenuity, as opposed to, say, Materia, Junction, Ability learning, the Sphere-Grid/Chrystarium/Weapon "leveling", and the License Board. FF7 made RPGs into something far more involved.
As for FFXIII, one of the few legitimate complaints Yahtzee made (from a critic standpoint; his hatred for the characters only acts as humor) was that the game should've been good from the start, and not taken a while to get momentum. Many games are like this, but FFXIII had an especially long "tutorial" period. Nevertheless, had he actually played for longer, he (or rather, fact) would've attested to vast improvements in the storyline and gameplay. Complaining about the storyline and the characters lacks substance when you've only spent five hours with the game. After all, no good story allows you to know everything you want to at the beginning. Still, the review was amusing.

FF 6 gave all characters unique abilities - I don't think any other final fantasy game had that. You could do street fighter moves with sabin are play the slot machine with Setzer. FF VII made characters much less distinct in battles because you could bring everybody into every role by.

 

[Argon14]

So many people have told me to get twenty hours into that, fode isso! I WANT ACTION NOW!

 

[Little Duck]

Have you played tactics?

Anyway review Red Steel 2. It's a good game.

No not by Wii standards, by standards, it's a good game.

 

[Owain Talfryn]

I'm glad someone could take their heads out of their asses for once and realise the truth about this eyeball raping experience... The game's beyond shocking and people have been treating it like the Second coming of Jesus......