I did not like this review. It was not funny like the Gears of War 2 review was, and most of the points it tried to raise were either completely invalid or blind to the point of insipidity. I'm sorry Yahtzee, but if you're going to pay ZERO attention to a game you're trying to review, then maybe you shouldn't be reviewing that particular game?
Now read this and understand why the review had me facepalming and groaning at just about every syllable:
1) If you think this is a "BROWN" game then you must have your TV smeared with mud, because most of the game has a massive variety of colors. Besides the ash-city and the desert areas, it's full of vibrant life and color. The ship is full of green and lively blue and bright yellows. The final levels are set in a utopia full of lush island life and flora, with massive buildings of orange and yellow, filled with tapestries and gardens.
2) Neither of the female characters are seen out of armor, and neither one acts sexual at all. In point of fact, I thought they acted too MANLY. And you can't see their cleavage. The only time the dark-headed one reminds you that she's a girl is when she shouts "AREN'T AFRAID OF A GIRL, ARE YOU?", though I will admit that that specific line does grow annoying.
3) The world blowing up? There's not one mention of the planet ever exploding. Instead, we're treated to the idea that a natural life form native to the planet is aggressively taking over like some sort of invasive foreign mushroom. The planet's not going to explode, it's just going to turn into a big glowy yellow mass full of big yellow glowy aliens.
You want some real areas that could have used some criticism?
THE ENDING WAS A DEUS EX MACHINA.
THE FINAL BOSS FIGHT WAS INSIPID.
ONLY TWO PEOPLE DIE, AND ONE OF THEM ISN'T EVEN A MAIN CHARACTER.
THE CHARACTERS TAKE TURNS PLAYING "Captain Fucking Obvious" AND HOLD THE PLAYER'S HAND AT ALL TIMES. "Hey, let's look for a door. Hey, that looks like a door. Hey, kick down this door. Alright, everybody go through the door!"
Seriously.
You want something to critique? Crack penis jokes about that shit, please.
I mean, at least I actually felt legitimately sad when (CENSORED) died, and at least Epic took the time to spend three years building the game and jam it full of three other high-quality game modes. Even without the campaign the damn game is still worth 60 bucks. And for god's sake, the campaign is 12 fucking hours long, and it'd still be about 10 hours long if it wasn't for the damn padding during the submarine levels. You call that a cash grab?
Hell, even the MULTIPLAYER works. What's that, you say? Multiplayer in a Gears game, actually working for once? Unbelievable! People really die when you shoot them, and the Sawed-Off Shotgun alone provides for hours of endless, cheap entertainment.
If you're going to positively review Gears 2, which was shitty and broken on nearly every level, and then trash Gears 3 off-hand despite it being far superior to said shitty-broken-game, there's something wrong. I've got a shitload of problems with Gears 3, and I can't fucking stand it sometimes, but at least I can take a look at it and see that Yahtzee rushed this review just to appease everybody asking for it.
BTW, the thing about the fans screaming from the rooftops? Well, I don't care if you disliked the Campaign, I thought it was quietly brilliant and insanely badass in turn, with a shitload of exceptionally clever design mechanics and original ideas. Sure, if I'd had it my way it would have been entirely different, but goddamn. Can we even be sure Yahtzee played it through to the end? There was no mention of the damn Deus Ex Machina ending, which I was hoping he would tear the hell out of.
But I digress. Yahtzee doesn't like Gears of War, and that's fine by me. But don't let that stop you from trying the game, because YOU might actually like it. And especially don't go around parroting everything he's said, because that's not only lazy, it's regurgitation of shit that (for the most part) isn't even present in the game.
TL;DR
This review was subpar. Yahtzee, please, in the future... if you're just reviewing a game because everybody's telling you to review it, just don't review it. It's not worth your time.
Everybody else? Half the points Yahtzee raised in this review aren't even in the game. You'll probably hate the game (even I, a rabid fanboy by my own admission, dislike several important parts of the game), but maybe you won't. You might think it's the best thing since sliced bread once you've tried it. So at the very least, play it at a friend's house, borrow it for a day, or rent it some time.
And finally... "relic?" Seriously? A new sequel to a game that came out in 2006 and created its own genre of shooters cannot be considered archaic when it's not even had time to age yet. We're still in the same console generation, for god's sake. Hell, the game is meant to cap off the series and put an end to Gears of War, at least until Epic figures out how to make a bunch of prequels or a spin-off out of it, ala Halo 4 (AND THEN AND ONLY THEN will the term "cash grab" be allowed).
(PS - the story of Gears 3 caters to the fans who've read all the books and comics, so if there's any reason why Yahtzee didn't give a damn about what was going on, it's because he doesn't have time to go through four novels)