Zero Punctuation: Haze
- Thread starter Yahtzee Croshaw
- Start date
Great review Yahtzee, I don't have a PS3, and if I did I wouldn't buy this game anyway (it screams "Halo ripeoff!" from the get go), so this review is pritty much useless to me, but funny all the same.
Years ago, I thought I had heard "Because I Got High" for the last time... Thanks a lot Yahtzee!
"it's not like there are really any other new games to talk about except if I want to oil up my thighs for AoC"
lol, how many of you were asking "what? you mean mgs4?"
lol, how many of you were asking "what? you mean mgs4?"
Yeah, today Australian dollars were running around 93 US cents? Games here really are that expensive for the new gen games - even the really low quality filler stuff tends to debut around that price. Protip? *import from the US for about 2/3 the price while the AUD is still high*
A lotblacknar ragmane said:
but that's only been out a week and he was away last wednesday so its likely to be next weeks. Maybe. Though doubtless hordes of viewers are spamming his mailbox about it as we speak 
I was surprised the review wasnt about MGS, yahtzee keeping his powder dry?
also 10/10 for the opening song
also 10/10 for the opening song
I have to note the irony in waiting until five-past noon then rolling through the bookmark list on my browser to see the new review in a manner that would imply it should cause colorful psychedelic hallucinations because the angry little gaming pessimist in me only gets his fix when listening to a cookie cutter crap-fest gets the royal thrashing it rightly deserves, (and then some), to find out that this week's outhouse masterpiece lined up for the guillotine revolves around heavy drug use.
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A transcript from a mug of warm milk and the occasional cuddle:
I think it?s safe to say that very few people will be madly trampling babies under foot to grab Haze on launch day. I know that what atrophied dregs of enthusiasm I had, breathed their last when I glanced at the back of the box and saw that it was an outdoor first person shooter about space marines. ?Whoop de fucking do,? I thought. ?I look forward to the vehicle section with horrible steering and spending half the game hiding under a table waiting for my health to regenerate.? But then, up popped the hateful little angel on my shoulder, who spends most of his time talking me out of buying a Cornetto every time I pass a seven eleven. ?Shame on you Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw,? spake he, ?Have you forgotten Call of Duty 4 already? You should give every game a chance to surprise you or you?re no better then those dipshits who never play Mass Effect, but condemned it as some child corrupting boob stravaganza.?I had to concede the point. It?s not like there are any other new games to talk about, unless I want to start oiling up my thighs for Age of Conan.
So, Haze. There?s this impossibly well equipped corporate army thing, who don?t represent the United States, honest, who invade some South American country and hit upon the world beating idea of making their soldiers fight battles in a jungle environment with a bunch of glowing yellow lights strapped to their bodies. You start off fighting for the Camouflage is for Sissies crowd, but halfway through you realize that the huge faceless corporation, who controls their infantry with addictive drugs, might possibly be a bit on the amoral side and decide that blindly following orders is a mugs game. Whereupon you defect to the opposing guerilla army to blindly follow their orders instead. An unusual plot twist, which would probably have had greater impact were it not given away on the back of the fucking box.
The story is deeper then the usual kill everyone who is different to us military shooter affair, which I do appreciate. At the start of the game your colleagues are a bunch of psychotic macho dicks, and it was a relief to find that I was supposed to think that, because I thought the same thing of my heroic squad mates in Halo, Crysis, Turok, Quake 4, and pretty much every in which large men stand around comparing willies. The main character of Haze is characterized not as a wise cracking walking armory who lactates testosterone, but a naïve whingeing college boy soldier, who can?t function without mugs of warm milk and the occasional cuddle. Which gets a bit incongruous after he?s mowed down enough people to populate Mozambique.
The overall message of Haze?s story is that WAR IS BAD, and that there are no true heroes when death is on the menu. But combining that with whizz bang shooty fun strikes me as trying to have one?s cake and eat it. I phrase I?ve never really understood. I mean, I think it?s perfectly reasonable to want to eat a cake that you have. There?s not much else you can do with a cake, except maybe hide in one if you?re a stripper. Sorry, lost my train of thought.
Haze is a game that can?t decide what existing FPS it wants to rip off the most. Halo is the obvious candidate. It?s even got the same title, give or take two letters. And the driving sections are identical, right down to the design of the gravitationally challenged vehicles, and the mounted turrets manned by tragic sufferers of the stupid virus. There?s also a rusty old cargo ship level for fans of the one from Condemned 2. A very Quake 2 esque smelting plant and most of the rest of the environments are straight out of the Crytech games. Although it forgets the crucial jaw dropping graphics aspect, as can be evidenced by the hilarious 2D map back drops during the transport scenes. They look like some guys are running past the chopper holding up cardboard forests on sticks.
Haze?s one claim to not be the work of jaded hacks who could easily be replaced with a computerized FPS generator is the whole addictive drug business. When you?re plugged into the Heroin-O-Matic you can occasionally give yourself a quick fix to help out in battle, which strangely enough does not manifest as bullet time. Pretty much all it does is make the enemies light up like Christmas trees, which is admittedly pretty useful with current generation graphics being what they are. But then of course, since DRUGS ARE BAD, this all goes in the bin the moment you join the other side. Here a golden opportunity to deconstruct the genre by switching out the damage taking gun fun for sneaky guerilla warfare is tragically missed when ultimately the only change is that the team switched jerseys. Your new rebel allies suddenly game the former regenerative powers your former squad mates did, whose powered armor simultaneously gains a convenient weakness to bullets.
The nicest thing I?m prepared to leak from my cakehole about Haze is that it?s at least functional, which is more then I can say for Turok. But it?s insultingly short and easy for a game that costs 110 Australian dollars, Money which could have bought a lot of Cornettos. If you have a liking for Halo, a crippling fear of trying new things, and desperate need to get rid of all your money very fast then you should probably think about getting yourself sectioned. But until then you might as well buy Haze. You mad bastard.
I think it?s safe to say that very few people will be madly trampling babies under foot to grab Haze on launch day. I know that what atrophied dregs of enthusiasm I had, breathed their last when I glanced at the back of the box and saw that it was an outdoor first person shooter about space marines. ?Whoop de fucking do,? I thought. ?I look forward to the vehicle section with horrible steering and spending half the game hiding under a table waiting for my health to regenerate.? But then, up popped the hateful little angel on my shoulder, who spends most of his time talking me out of buying a Cornetto every time I pass a seven eleven. ?Shame on you Benjamin Yahtzee Sebastian Godzilla Croshaw,? spake he, ?Have you forgotten Call of Duty 4 already? You should give every game a chance to surprise you or you?re no better then those dipshits who never play Mass Effect, but condemned it as some child corrupting boob stravaganza.?I had to concede the point. It?s not like there are any other new games to talk about, unless I want to start oiling up my thighs for Age of Conan.
So, Haze. There?s this impossibly well equipped corporate army thing, who don?t represent the United States, honest, who invade some South American country and hit upon the world beating idea of making their soldiers fight battles in a jungle environment with a bunch of glowing yellow lights strapped to their bodies. You start off fighting for the Camouflage is for Sissies crowd, but halfway through you realize that the huge faceless corporation, who controls their infantry with addictive drugs, might possibly be a bit on the amoral side and decide that blindly following orders is a mugs game. Whereupon you defect to the opposing guerilla army to blindly follow their orders instead. An unusual plot twist, which would probably have had greater impact were it not given away on the back of the fucking box.
The story is deeper then the usual kill everyone who is different to us military shooter affair, which I do appreciate. At the start of the game your colleagues are a bunch of psychotic macho dicks, and it was a relief to find that I was supposed to think that, because I thought the same thing of my heroic squad mates in Halo, Crysis, Turok, Quake 4, and pretty much every in which large men stand around comparing willies. The main character of Haze is characterized not as a wise cracking walking armory who lactates testosterone, but a naïve whingeing college boy soldier, who can?t function without mugs of warm milk and the occasional cuddle. Which gets a bit incongruous after he?s mowed down enough people to populate Mozambique.
The overall message of Haze?s story is that WAR IS BAD, and that there are no true heroes when death is on the menu. But combining that with whizz bang shooty fun strikes me as trying to have one?s cake and eat it. I phrase I?ve never really understood. I mean, I think it?s perfectly reasonable to want to eat a cake that you have. There?s not much else you can do with a cake, except maybe hide in one if you?re a stripper. Sorry, lost my train of thought.
Haze is a game that can?t decide what existing FPS it wants to rip off the most. Halo is the obvious candidate. It?s even got the same title, give or take two letters. And the driving sections are identical, right down to the design of the gravitationally challenged vehicles, and the mounted turrets manned by tragic sufferers of the stupid virus. There?s also a rusty old cargo ship level for fans of the one from Condemned 2. A very Quake 2 esque smelting plant and most of the rest of the environments are straight out of the Crytech games. Although it forgets the crucial jaw dropping graphics aspect, as can be evidenced by the hilarious 2D map back drops during the transport scenes. They look like some guys are running past the chopper holding up cardboard forests on sticks.
Haze?s one claim to not be the work of jaded hacks who could easily be replaced with a computerized FPS generator is the whole addictive drug business. When you?re plugged into the Heroin-O-Matic you can occasionally give yourself a quick fix to help out in battle, which strangely enough does not manifest as bullet time. Pretty much all it does is make the enemies light up like Christmas trees, which is admittedly pretty useful with current generation graphics being what they are. But then of course, since DRUGS ARE BAD, this all goes in the bin the moment you join the other side. Here a golden opportunity to deconstruct the genre by switching out the damage taking gun fun for sneaky guerilla warfare is tragically missed when ultimately the only change is that the team switched jerseys. Your new rebel allies suddenly game the former regenerative powers your former squad mates did, whose powered armor simultaneously gains a convenient weakness to bullets.
The nicest thing I?m prepared to leak from my cakehole about Haze is that it?s at least functional, which is more then I can say for Turok. But it?s insultingly short and easy for a game that costs 110 Australian dollars, Money which could have bought a lot of Cornettos. If you have a liking for Halo, a crippling fear of trying new things, and desperate need to get rid of all your money very fast then you should probably think about getting yourself sectioned. But until then you might as well buy Haze. You mad bastard.
No, the guy is right.Aries_Split said:
Currently our Australian Dollar is worth 0.9343 US Dollars, and yet we still pay double the price of games and DVD's. This is due to regional lockout. Originally it was tolerated because our dollar was worth less and import costs were more expensive, but now that it's risen and import costs are cheaper, most companies refuse to drop their prices because they know we'll tolerate it anyway.
Bunch of greedy bastards, they are. Anyway, onto the review:
It was nice and full of the things I like most about ZP reviews. I especially like the subtle things you mention without directly drawing onto it, for instance the comment about "current generation graphics" which is completely true. It's like companies took the epileptic jokes seriously and decided to accomodate for them over the vast majority. Something I don't mind since it does make the game that much more realistic, but it's becoming such a trend now it's losing all appeal to the point where it's not really putting any influence on what makes a game good. Or maybe I'm just overthinking things?
Oh well again it was a great review, though I am starting to develop a numbness to your humour when it comes to military first-person shooters. There's really not much else you can say that you haven't mentioned before regarding the A.I, weapons, vehicles and Americanised plots (though I realise you're alluding to that very notion the more you review them). I still enjoy them but really the only things I find humouress about them now aren't related to their genre at all (like your subtle references).
