Bleh. I guess it was funny, but I have not disagreed with you so much on a game review since Smash Bros Brawl. I'll start out with the good points. Your disclaimer about being unbiased was actually backed up with examples of what you like(d) about Nintendo. You liked the Gamecube and the DS? Cool, you don't like the direction Nintendo is going, that's all. So, Yahtzee, if you really liked the Gamecube and DS, you should have told us before this. Just sayin' With that in mind...
One, the controls. They're bad at first but I got used to them quickly, and I don't see what the problem is with them anymore. honestly, I couldn't think of a way to make them better (I'm not good with dual-analog) until you mentioned tapping the touch screen to fire. That's... legit. Props to you. There is an "auto-fire" option, but it lacks the satisfying feedback from pressing a button or tapping a touch screen. You can customize the controls, but the other options just aren't good. Still, you could have brought that up. Also, I have discovered that you can hold the stand with the game on it and play perfectly fine.
Two, the story. Yes, it mentions the old game a couple times, but not to a jarring extent and it stops after a while. I had no idea if you even played through the story mode completely because you said Medusa was the villain. The story goes from great to awesome (IMO anyway) in the second half, and it even has the whole mixture of gameplay and story that you harp on about so much.
Three, the "distracting" visuals. This is a new one that I have no idea where it came from. The visuals were AMAZING and not distracting at all as far as I'm concerned, especially in 3D. Is this your cannot-say-a-nice-thing way of saying that it looks gorgeous?
Four, I recall you complaining about the difficulty and then giving the difficulty adjuster a passing mention. WTF? There were some legit complains about that, like how insulting it is to have the game automatically ease up if you die. But otherwise, I liked it a lot and it added a lot of replay value for me.
Five, the astounding variety of weapons were not even mentioned, and fusion only got a passing mention. Are you trying to avoid saying something good about this game? The weapon variety and fusion system was what kept me coming back to the game weeks after I beat it. You mention the pointless mini game but not this? That's like not mentioning the multiplayer in NSMB Wii.
Overall, it felt like you went out of your way to insult this game. Which is sad, because it's really a great game. You may not have hated Nintendo back in the GCN and DS days, but you sure as hell hate them now and your initial disclaimer isn't fooling anyone. Sorry.