Zero Punctuation: No More Heroes

[Sylocat]

 

[GonzoGamer]

Another good review. It is interesting to see The Escapist has kicked you into the advertising business too..

THAT would explain why he recommends buying it: he was paid to.
I really thought Yahtzee hated quick time events and tedium as much as I do.

 

[renard]

Incoming translation:

<Suena ?no more heroes? por The stranglers y se corta de golpe> No, no, es demasiado obvio.
No More Heroes es un juego japonés basado en luchas jedi con sable láser y cuyo protagonista es un marginado social obsesionado con la cultura pop que pasa la mayor parte de su tiempo quejándose, siendo liado por mujeres y siendo, en general, un jodido pirado antipático. Así que no tienes por que culparle de comprender a su público (broma predecible) El juego nos lo trae Suda 51, el 51º resultado de un experimento japonés de clonación ilegal para crear al mayor diseñador de juegos del mundo. Los Sudas del 1 al 50murieron des pues de que sus mentes fallasen al absorber el nivel necesario de pretensiones.

Su ultimo juego fue Killer 7, Y dejemos una cosa bien clara: A mi me encanto killer 7. Ahí estábamos viviendo nuestras grises y predecibles vidas y jugando a nuestros grises y predecibles juegos hasta que killer 7 apareció con un abrigo de fantasía technicolor dejando un poco de perplejo gozo con el arranque de su enorme moto, mostrándonos exactamente que se podía hacer cuando se desobedecen todo lo establecido y se explora lo que se puede hacer con el juego como forma de arte. Aun no se donde clasificarlo: ¿puzzles? ¿Aventura-acción? ¿shooter sobre raíles? Bueno, fuera lo que fuese, era una preciosa única y divertida ballena de dibujos animados en un océano de agua usada de cachimbas.

Ahora tenemos el No More Heroes, un clon de GTA. Brilla, diamante loco? decía Yahtzee, su voz sonaba profunda como levadura sarcástica. Bueno, eso ha sido un tanto inesperado, la experiencia es tan fuera de lo convencional como me esperaba. Controlas atraéis Touchdow, el tío raro cuatro-ojos narcisista mentado antes (caracterizado de una forma incomoda mente cercana), que se compra una espada laser y jura convertirse en el asesino mas grande del mundo. Vamos, como cuando compras una barbacoa y haces muchas fiestas para convencerte de que no malgastaste el dinero. Para conseguir su objetivo tendra que abrirse paso a tajos entre los 10 jefes en una utraviolenta y rayante odisea con aires de ?submarino amarillo? ,y con un fondo de sátira social, entre ir en moto, jugar con su gato y comprar ropa guay en una side-quest opcional para parecer un autentico capullo.

El aspecto de mundo abierto es una ilusión; el juego es en esencia lineal, no hay nada de malo en ello. Sin embargo, si lo hay en la repetición. Después de matar a un asesino experto te vas a la ciudad a hacer grind como un imbecil. Para continuar tienes que conseguir una suma que es casi la equivalente al valor en la calle de 3 pulmones humanos. Primero empiezas con un trabajo mal pagado a tiempo parcial, que desbloquea sub-misiones de asesinato mejor pagadas dado que hay solapamientos en las industrias de recogida de basuras y asesinato Después, te sueltan en una habitación con 50 de los bocazas moñas contra los que luchas en todas las jodidas partes y luego te dan una gran bolsa de dinero una vez caen llenando el suelo de confiados pedacitos .

Extrañamente, mi parte favorita del absurdo intermedio entre misiones es el servicial trabajo a tiempo parcial del principio. Cada vez es un ingenioso mini-juego ingenioso que intenta aprovechar al máximo los pobres controles. Si fueran mejor pagados probablemente lo habría dejado en los asesinatos en masa, los cuales se resumen en: machaca A hasta que te aburras y entonces, en vez de A, pulsa B un rato. A decir verdad las peleas con espada son bastante divertidas (ya les valía a las jodidas que lo fuesen, considerando la gran cantidad de ellas), pero hay un aspecto que me hace querer hostiar a suda 51 hasta que sus ojos se cambien de sitio y es el hecho de que después de matar a un enemigo, Travis tiene la aleatoria oportunidad de gritar su postre preferido y conseguir superpoderes por un tiempo. Y cuando mezclas aleatoriedad en una mecánica de combate toda la estrategia se va ventana abajo, se hace mierda contra el suelo y se usa para recoger los cristales. Y la ley de murphy asegura que el enemigo que te de los superpoderes sea el ultimo de la habitación, dejando a Travis corriendo durante 10 segundos con el pelo brillando a lo Dragonball Z y amenazando seriamente a las paredes.

El modo de jugar en las luchas contra los jefes del ranking se reduce a: esperar a que ataquen, bloquear o esquivar y abofetearles unas pocas veces hasta que se sienten a rascarse la cabeza como monos gilipollas. Pero lo más molesto de NMH, o al menos de tener que analizarlo, es que al igual que Killer 7, intenta ser satírico, y cuando hay problemas con la jugabilidad me preocupa si es intencionado (como sátira de, no se, los videojuegos pretenciosos) Y si tuviese que meterme con ello entonces perdería mi credibilidad ante la gente guay alternativa. Pero entonces recuerdo que cualquier diseñador de juegos que sacrifique diversión por arte esta tan metido en su culo que corre el peligro de atragantarse con su propia cabeza.

Ya es suficiente con la rabieta por que, a pesar de los últimos 8 párrafos de gorgoritos petulantes, me ha gustado No More Heroes. La historia impredecible y la peculiar estética me han mantenido lo suficientemente fascinado para que siguiese jugando y ver que pasaba después. Así que digo de No More Heroes, lo mismo que dije de Killer 7 y de Earthbound, y el Branston Pickle. Tómalo con sus defectos, por que nunca experimentaras nada igual. Dios sabe que pasaría si se te cae Branston Pickle encima de No More Heroes, posiblemente el fin del universo. Y eso seria LA OSTIA.

 

[antibonk]

Good review as always. Now I may have to go pick up this game. Sounds pretty good.

 

[weightedcompanioncube]

As anyone could guess, such a unique game creates polarized opinions.
Seems I'm not a hardcore gamer as I couldn't get me to finish Killer7 but with such positive review coming from ZP, I should at least try it out.
I'm not usually basing my video game consumption on his reviews, it's just that it's always so funny.

P.S.: I don't know if he id it purpose but when the joke about the baby seal first comes up, he describes Travis as being a "fuckbend". It might be funny to know that, in french, seal is pronounced exactly like fuck: "phoque". Yahtzee's habit of making references with frogs (e.g. "Je suis Cap'n twat") may have altered my brain to see the slightest unexisting jokes. It may be because I watch his reviews too much.

 

[Necro82]

Maybe it's just because of the game but that one sucked. Is Yahtzee losing his touch?

 

[renard]

Maybe it's just because of the game but that one sucked. Is Yahtzee losing his touch?

I suggest you to watch the CoD4 and psychonauts reviews: it seems that people can't stand yahtzee being nice to a game or liking it... seriously people give yahtzee a fucking break, he isn't a white black-outlined dummy who squirts liquid hate by every porus of his body created to amuse us.

And about saying directly "this review sucks": This one isn't one of his best reviews. At least for me. But saying that it sucks, sir, is a huge load of stupid bullshit.

 

[gungrave45]

yah maybe u get games late cause you say they all suck... ur turok review sucked and u had no good arguments why modern fps suck. stronger grenades? please u just suck so u need to grenade spam. plus the reason of no health bars is so u dont run around looking for health for 5 hours or if u just defended and epic battle and then get shot by the last guy u never saw ud have to restart.

if halo 3 sucks so much how come so many people play it everyday. over 900,000 average.

 

[renard]

yah maybe u get games late cause you say they all suck... ur turok review sucked and u had no good arguments why modern fps suck. stronger grenades? please u just suck so u need to grenade spam. plus the reason of no health bars is so u dont run around looking for health for 5 hours or if u just defended and epic battle and then get shot by the last guy u never saw ud have to restart.

if halo 3 sucks so much how come so many people play it everyday. over 900,000 average.

Then let's eat shit gentlemen! over 900,000 flies can't be wrong!
seriously... did you register just to write that nosense?

 

[Sylocat]

Apparently many are unaware of the fact that there are other JRPGs in existence besides FFVII, FFVIII and FFX. Ah well, what else is new?

I'd vote for your site, except that it looks like I'd need to sign up for yet another fucking web site account that I'll probably never use again. Just what I need... another pathetic "Web 2.0" circle jerk site spamming my Inbox with announcements and "special offers" even though I made sure to click the "don't fucking e-mail me, you stupid piece of shit" checkbox.

Somehow, I think that Yahtzee will understand.

I think he will too. Of course, these sites say in their terms of service, "we will not sell your e-mail to any third party," but what they don't mention is "the way we see it, the sites we do all our business with don'tcount as third parties, and since they want to tell you about their offers too, we don't think giving them your personal e-mail address is a bad thing."
Thank you for reminding me why I have my e-mail spam filter set to Exclusive.

yah maybe u get games late cause you say they all suck... ur turok review sucked and u had no good arguments why modern fps suck. stronger grenades? please u just suck so u need to grenade spam. plus the reason of no health bars is so u dont run around looking for health for 5 hours or if u just defended and epic battle and then get shot by the last guy u never saw ud have to restart.

if halo 3 sucks so much how come so many people play it everyday. over 900,000 average.

Hmm, I smell something... it smells like the banhammer approaching, although I can't possibly think why...

 

[gungrave45]

ummm George bush didnt win by votes and id like to see anyone here be a better president then him cause i bet its a hard ass job to run a war and to deal with terrorists. but of corse u just think its easier to jump to conclusion. and yatzee! your vids are getting dull say more hatefull shit!!!

 

[Voodoo Child]

New rule. Anyone who consistently ignores grammar and puncuation (Ironic considering the name of this feature) is not allowed to have an opinion.

Nor shall they be allowed to procreate. We don't need any more of their kind.

I really wasn't planning on getting NHM before this, but thanks to this, I'm going to rent it for a "test-drive" before I actually pick it up. You know, just in case.

 

[Voodoo Child]

Good thinking. My EB Games has a "Bring it back if you don't like it" policy if I remember correctly.

 

[Slimby]

Not nearly as funny as before. The ending was quite nice, but cutting out the music at the start ruined your flow. C+, down from an A- average.

Slimby

 

[ohnoitschris]

wait

No More Hereos?

 

[renard]

Gay

Thanks for your comment, it's reeeeeeally helpful...
Seriously, there are almost 4 people who registered just to bray in this thread... what's wrong with you people? If you don't like it, don't fill the thread with illiterate pointless crap.

 

[ridik_ulass]

0 comments Gamasutra.com http://www.gamasutra.com/ 4th
211 comments The Escapist http://www.escapistmagazine.com in the lead!
0 comments GameLife Blog on ... http://blog.wired.com/games/ 3rd
0 comments Gamezebo http://www.gamezebo.com 5th
0 comments ROCK BAND.com http://www.rockband.com 2nd


done and done.

 

[Uszi]

0 comments Gamasutra.com http://www.gamasutra.com/ 4th
211 comments The Escapist http://www.escapistmagazine.com in the lead!
0 comments GameLife Blog on ... http://blog.wired.com/games/ 3rd
0 comments Gamezebo http://www.gamezebo.com 5th
0 comments ROCK BAND.com http://www.rockband.com 2nd


done and done.

Seems the escapists underhanded strategy of recruiting ZP fans to vote for them has paid off.

Gay

Thanks for your comment, it's reeeeeeally helpful...
Seriously, there are almost 4 people who registered just to bray in this thread... what's wrong with you people? If you don't like it, don't fill the thread with illiterate pointless crap.

I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to express your negative opinion.

I think the phenomenon is actually kind of interesting. Yahtzee went for months without receiving anything but unanimous praise. And I don't find this review particularly different from all of those other ones. So what's different? I personally wonder if as time goes by he won't attract more and more negative comments.

And none of this is said in any offense to Yahtzee, mind you. Perhaps I am slightly the anarchist for believing that having a diversity of opinion represented here trumps the need for everyone to have valid, well constructed posts, with college level grammar. Negative opinions I think will keep Yahtzee honest.

I mean, think about it, if everyone loves what you do, no matter WHAT you do, then you will spend as little effort as possible on what you do, so you can use the rest to pursue other ventures. Obviously, if the pay-off for breaking your back over an excellent review is equivalent to the pay-off for producing a so-so review, then you will only produce so-so reviews.


... Eh, let me reinforce that I'm only playing devil's advocate here. I believe my initial posts were along the lines of "As funny as usual."

 

[renard]

Gay

Thanks for your comment, it's reeeeeeally helpful...
Seriously, there are almost 4 people who registered just to bray in this thread... what's wrong with you people? If you don't like it, don't fill the thread with illiterate pointless crap.

I don't see why you shouldn't be allowed to express your negative opinion.

I think the phenomenon is actually kind of interesting. Yahtzee went for months without receiving anything but unanimous praise. And I don't find this review particularly different from all of those other ones. So what's different? I personally wonder if as time goes by he won't attract more and more negative comments.

And none of this is said in any offense to Yahtzee, mind you. Perhaps I am slightly the anarchist for believing that having a diversity of opinion represented here trumps the need for everyone to have valid, well constructed posts, with college level grammar. Negative opinions I think will keep Yahtzee honest.

I mean, think about it, if everyone loves what you do, no matter WHAT you do, then you will spend as little effort as possible on what you do, so you can use the rest to pursue other ventures. Obviously, if the pay-off for breaking your back over an excellent review is equivalent to the pay-off for producing a so-so review, then you will only produce so-so reviews.


... Eh, let me reinforce that I'm only playing devil's advocate here. I believe my initial posts were along the lines of "As funny as usual."

If you read the first comment I made on this thread I said:

I think it wasn't the best one but it's still funny...
I love the begining when the music cuts out and yahtzee says "no, not, It's too obvious"

I didn't like some other reviews like the DMC4 one, but there are ways to express yourself without looking like a 13 year old brat.
I mean: of course you can say you don't like, this is a forum, but the abyss between "I didn't like it, I think that you can do it better and be more acid" and "OMGOMG THIS SUCKS! UR LAST REVIEWS SUCKS BULL BOLLOCKS UR REVIEWS NEEDS MOAR LIQUID HAET!" is the size of the Bishmark using as prow figurehead a stuffed tyranosaurus.

there is a difference between the "illiterate pointless crap":

yah maybe u get games late cause you say they all suck... ur turok review sucked and u had no good arguments why modern fps suck. stronger grenades? please u just suck so u need to grenade spam. plus the reason of no health bars is so u dont run around looking for health for 5 hours or if u just defended and epic battle and then get shot by the last guy u never saw ud have to restart.

if halo 3 sucks so much how come so many people play it everyday. over 900,000 average.

sounds like a 14 y.o. halo fanboy

Gay

sounds retarded

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and the "constructive criticism:"

Not nearly as funny as before. The ending was quite nice, but cutting out the music at the start ruined your flow. C+, down from an A- average.

Slimby

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

just as simple as this, they aren't doing nothing but *****-talking. And that's not the way to improve anything. Negative critics must give something more than "this is shit and I'm not saying why it is that way".

 

[Uszi]

Meh. Take it more as food for thought, then.