Zero Punctuation: Super Smash Bros. Brawl
- Thread starter Yahtzee Croshaw
- Start date
In the end I have to put this review on the shelf beside its brothers, the Bioshock and Mass Effect reviews. Entirely valid points are made, but the flaws in question are hardly game-breaking. Still, given Nintendo's unfortunate penchant for remaking the same five or six games fifty times over two decades in addition to the rabid nature of the company's erstwhile supporters, I can see the temptation. In this case I think the entire appeal of the game was glossed over in a single sentence: Smash Bros. is fun because there's just something viciously entertaining about seeing a bunch of iconic video game characters beat the snot out of each other for no apparent reason. It's stupid button-mashing chaos along the lines of Power Stone, which isn't to say that's a bad thing. If I want to play something technical or interesting, I'll pick up Soul Calibur or Guilty Gear. For mindless entertainment when there are more than two people in the room, Brawl is fine. (I still hate grinding for hours against a nigh-impossible computer AI to unlock characters/costumes/etc. that should be there in the first place - fighting games aren't RPGs, give us some variety from the start.)
Transcript
(finally, what happened to myiopiczeal my archnemesis (sorta))
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Mmmehhhh?. I really haven?t been looking forward to this. Last week I accidentally left my copy of this game in a friends? console, and I was genuinely pleased. It meant I could review Condemned 2 instead, a game I actually had some interest in. But there comes a time when we all must pay the piper and eat shit waffles. I don?t even know why I?m reviewing this game. Oh wait, yes I do, because you dip shits wouldn?t stop crying about it. So I was able to defy the ghettoization ofAustralian gamers and acquire an import copy of the game due to the charity of some guys at GAMETRADERS ROBINA. Which you should probably visit because, GAME TRADERS ROBINA is your one stop shop for games and the trading there of, in Robina.
Now, I?m fully aware that SSBB is primarily a multiplayer game, and that I can?t get away with my usual routine of only playing the single player and attempting weakly to rationalize my fear and disgust of other human beings. So this time I took this game, which was indecently sent to me by GAMETRADERS ROBINA, over to MY FRIEND GUY?S HOUSE, to try it out with a bunch of other man children with no prior understanding or interest in Smash Bros. to see how it held up. And the result, a resounding EHH.?
I?ve never liked most fighting games because I argue there?s got to be something wrong with a game in which you can spend fifteen years practicing and learning every slightest nuance and still lose to someone randomly smashing buttons. At our grouping, for example, maybe since only one of us was boring enough to read the manual, our death matches could probably been faithfully recreated by hurling the controllers down a flight of stairs. But even if we all had gotten our PHD?s in wave bird ***** slapping. The fights descended easily into incomprehensible cluster fucks. The characters are so small and the camera zooms out so far, and most of the attacks are such particle effect maelstroms, that they might as well just obscure all the action with billowing dust clouds, like in the beano.
But maybe I?m approaching this the wrong way. Maybe this isn?t a game intended to be played seriously, perhaps I should just be embracing the spectacle. And I must confess, engineering a scenario in which, Mario can brutally beat the stupid out of Princess Peach while the crowd screams for blood, is very satisfying. And it would be pretty sweet to watch solid Snake get Sonic the Hedgehog into an arm lock and slit his throat. Oh wait, we can?t can we, because those characters aren?t unlocked straight away. I hate it when multiplayer games do this. You bring a hot new unreleased to a party and you?re the toast of the evening. Until you discover that half the fucking content has to be unlocked in single player, and then the toast of the evening becomes a damp square of cold mush. I mean I know that video game developers are all hopeless social rejects. But surely they?ve at least gone to one party in their life, even if it involved pass the parcel.
Get this: if you want to be playing as everyone?s favorite azure attention deficit woodland mammal. You have to play for ten **** gargling hours. Well we didn?t have ten vagina swelling hours. We had one vodka filled evening, most of which we probably wouldn?t even remember the following morning. Considering, lest we forget, how prominently Snake and Sonic featured in the fucking hype, there really needs to be a law against this sort of thing. Preferably one of those maritime laws that lead to someone getting tied to a mast and flogged.
But I suppose if you?re hosting the party and have time to prepare, you could always embrace your pathetic friendlessness and go through the single player campaign, which a surprising amount of work has gone into actually. It?s a side scrolling action platform extRRRRavaganza, with free rendered cinematics up the ass, that play like visualizations of the top ten most sickening Nintendo fan fiction circle jerks. And it goes on for bloody HOURS, mainly because the pull the old bullshit of making you go through all the levels twice and considering that they?re already pretty fucking samey, it deserves some kind of prize for services to pointless repetition. Fuck solid Snake, they should let you unlock Bill Murray.
Of course, the problem with playing it alone, is that when you finally do get your mates around, suddenly you?ve turned into THAT GUY. Don?t pretend you don?t know what I mean. THAT GUY who?s so much better then everyone else at the game, because he plays it on his own, the loser. Suddenly you?re not in it for fun anymore, and the goolish grins of your uncoordinated friends fill you with contempt. Soon you seek out other THAT GUY?s for the sake of a decent challenge. And then you?re lost. You?re a fanboy. Congratulations, line up for your free t-shirt and cat ears. Actually that doesn?t happen so much with Smash Bros. Brawl, because as we?ve already established there?s only so good you can get at slapping your palms against the controller like a circus seal.
As I?ve said, time and again, Nintendo is a company that does altogether too much wanking off of its old franchises. That might be fine while the Wii is riding high, but all it will take is a few more virtual boys and they?ll wank the whole company away. Some of it gets really obscure too. Who the fuck is Marth? And why is unlocking him considered a reward. Oh and thanks Nintendo for putting in a character from Mother 3. A game you?re never going to fucking release outside of Japan. Despite the fact that I can fucking guarantee that more people will play it then Mario Kart eleventy billion the next generation. But really, reviewing Smash Bross Brawl is pointless. Chances are you already know if you like it. There?s a simple test. When the name ?Nintendo Wii? was first revealed, did you ever seriously try to defend it on an internet forum? If yes, you will enjoy this game whatever it?s faults and you might as well start spamming my email address with hatred right now you miserable fanboy twat.
(finally, what happened to myiopiczeal my archnemesis (sorta))
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Mmmehhhh?. I really haven?t been looking forward to this. Last week I accidentally left my copy of this game in a friends? console, and I was genuinely pleased. It meant I could review Condemned 2 instead, a game I actually had some interest in. But there comes a time when we all must pay the piper and eat shit waffles. I don?t even know why I?m reviewing this game. Oh wait, yes I do, because you dip shits wouldn?t stop crying about it. So I was able to defy the ghettoization ofAustralian gamers and acquire an import copy of the game due to the charity of some guys at GAMETRADERS ROBINA. Which you should probably visit because, GAME TRADERS ROBINA is your one stop shop for games and the trading there of, in Robina.
Now, I?m fully aware that SSBB is primarily a multiplayer game, and that I can?t get away with my usual routine of only playing the single player and attempting weakly to rationalize my fear and disgust of other human beings. So this time I took this game, which was indecently sent to me by GAMETRADERS ROBINA, over to MY FRIEND GUY?S HOUSE, to try it out with a bunch of other man children with no prior understanding or interest in Smash Bros. to see how it held up. And the result, a resounding EHH.?
I?ve never liked most fighting games because I argue there?s got to be something wrong with a game in which you can spend fifteen years practicing and learning every slightest nuance and still lose to someone randomly smashing buttons. At our grouping, for example, maybe since only one of us was boring enough to read the manual, our death matches could probably been faithfully recreated by hurling the controllers down a flight of stairs. But even if we all had gotten our PHD?s in wave bird ***** slapping. The fights descended easily into incomprehensible cluster fucks. The characters are so small and the camera zooms out so far, and most of the attacks are such particle effect maelstroms, that they might as well just obscure all the action with billowing dust clouds, like in the beano.
But maybe I?m approaching this the wrong way. Maybe this isn?t a game intended to be played seriously, perhaps I should just be embracing the spectacle. And I must confess, engineering a scenario in which, Mario can brutally beat the stupid out of Princess Peach while the crowd screams for blood, is very satisfying. And it would be pretty sweet to watch solid Snake get Sonic the Hedgehog into an arm lock and slit his throat. Oh wait, we can?t can we, because those characters aren?t unlocked straight away. I hate it when multiplayer games do this. You bring a hot new unreleased to a party and you?re the toast of the evening. Until you discover that half the fucking content has to be unlocked in single player, and then the toast of the evening becomes a damp square of cold mush. I mean I know that video game developers are all hopeless social rejects. But surely they?ve at least gone to one party in their life, even if it involved pass the parcel.
Get this: if you want to be playing as everyone?s favorite azure attention deficit woodland mammal. You have to play for ten **** gargling hours. Well we didn?t have ten vagina swelling hours. We had one vodka filled evening, most of which we probably wouldn?t even remember the following morning. Considering, lest we forget, how prominently Snake and Sonic featured in the fucking hype, there really needs to be a law against this sort of thing. Preferably one of those maritime laws that lead to someone getting tied to a mast and flogged.
But I suppose if you?re hosting the party and have time to prepare, you could always embrace your pathetic friendlessness and go through the single player campaign, which a surprising amount of work has gone into actually. It?s a side scrolling action platform extRRRRavaganza, with free rendered cinematics up the ass, that play like visualizations of the top ten most sickening Nintendo fan fiction circle jerks. And it goes on for bloody HOURS, mainly because the pull the old bullshit of making you go through all the levels twice and considering that they?re already pretty fucking samey, it deserves some kind of prize for services to pointless repetition. Fuck solid Snake, they should let you unlock Bill Murray.
Of course, the problem with playing it alone, is that when you finally do get your mates around, suddenly you?ve turned into THAT GUY. Don?t pretend you don?t know what I mean. THAT GUY who?s so much better then everyone else at the game, because he plays it on his own, the loser. Suddenly you?re not in it for fun anymore, and the goolish grins of your uncoordinated friends fill you with contempt. Soon you seek out other THAT GUY?s for the sake of a decent challenge. And then you?re lost. You?re a fanboy. Congratulations, line up for your free t-shirt and cat ears. Actually that doesn?t happen so much with Smash Bros. Brawl, because as we?ve already established there?s only so good you can get at slapping your palms against the controller like a circus seal.
As I?ve said, time and again, Nintendo is a company that does altogether too much wanking off of its old franchises. That might be fine while the Wii is riding high, but all it will take is a few more virtual boys and they?ll wank the whole company away. Some of it gets really obscure too. Who the fuck is Marth? And why is unlocking him considered a reward. Oh and thanks Nintendo for putting in a character from Mother 3. A game you?re never going to fucking release outside of Japan. Despite the fact that I can fucking guarantee that more people will play it then Mario Kart eleventy billion the next generation. But really, reviewing Smash Bross Brawl is pointless. Chances are you already know if you like it. There?s a simple test. When the name ?Nintendo Wii? was first revealed, did you ever seriously try to defend it on an internet forum? If yes, you will enjoy this game whatever it?s faults and you might as well start spamming my email address with hatred right now you miserable fanboy twat.
The Guru of Gripe doesn't like the game everyone else likes. Somebody call Ripley's...
Seriously folks, we're all gamers therefore we are all "that guy." Anyone who plays games and says they aren't is fooling no one but himself.
Seriously folks, we're all gamers therefore we are all "that guy." Anyone who plays games and says they aren't is fooling no one but himself.
So... funny. Your work gets better and better by the week. Never been really let down. Okay somes better than others, but never have you let me down for humour and damn straight up yours game reviews. Cant wait for next wedensaday.
Favourite so far by the way with a close rival in Burnout Legends. Usually its a push making me laugh sincerely, with these 2 videos you manage it everytime
Dont change the format it works perfectly, you could structure it occaisonally a little better (like in this for example, I never got confused at what point you were converying and the jokes flowed, never off onto a tangent, and it was all much funnier for it. Its rare you merge things too quickly, but occaisonally it throws me), just a point otherwise the writing is just brillent, the format genius and the weekly release too long to wait.
I'd hug you but I fear orders of the restraining variety. If you ever are in need on any unreleased titles look no further, I'm sure we could work something out
NKitsune
Favourite so far by the way with a close rival in Burnout Legends. Usually its a push making me laugh sincerely, with these 2 videos you manage it everytime
Dont change the format it works perfectly, you could structure it occaisonally a little better (like in this for example, I never got confused at what point you were converying and the jokes flowed, never off onto a tangent, and it was all much funnier for it. Its rare you merge things too quickly, but occaisonally it throws me), just a point otherwise the writing is just brillent, the format genius and the weekly release too long to wait.I'd hug you but I fear orders of the restraining variety. If you ever are in need on any unreleased titles look no further, I'm sure we could work something out
NKitsune
Great review, its just too bad I don't live in Brisbane or I would checkout GAMETRADERS ROBINA because GAMETRADERS ROBINA sounds like a great place to trade games.
Don't look at my post count and discout it immediately, I've been watching ZP since Bioshock. Neither am I fandboy of any sort.
I watch ZP for two reasons: (1) Funny comments about games and (2) *relatively* objective reviews of games I woulnd't have heard of otherwise (Psychonauts, Condemned) while at the same time seeing the games I like be discussed through the viewpoint of someone other than me who is into the opposite spectrum of gaming(FPS and PC gaming) as I am (console adventures/RPGs).
Now, I knew Yahtzee would hate Brawl. I knew he would spew pure bile after that first protracted "Ugh" because I had a feeling he was being pestered nonstop to review it. I am actually sad he reviewed it now - all it would lead to was more frustration and hate for this game for the sole reason that he was forced into it. I was not expecting this review today, either.
But to avoid discussing the game itself, or elitism, or something else retarded that would lead to this topic's degeneration, I want to ask something about the review itself - that IS what this topic is for, right?
Now that I've got the prelude out of the way... is it just me, or was this not really a 'review' in the slightest? Normally Yahtzee bashes the game, but he comments on the mechanics, the story, the gameplay, the quirks, the pitfalls, the benefits... and you come out with some understanding of what the game is like. He gets valid points across. I just watched the review again, and he did not bring up many points about the game at all! Maybe a handful of comments at best, but nothing substantial. It was just full of hatred for this game and everyone who made him do it. Sure, I laughed a bunch of times, but he did not 'review' the game. I came out of this review with nothing I didn't know beforehand - something in direct contrast to literally every other review he has done - just the knowledge that Yahtzee (A) truly hates fighting games almost as much as JRPG's and (2) He abhors being forced to review a game.
Am I the only one to see this as not a 'review', but more of a hate-rant? Or am I in the minority on these boards (which I must admit I don't post to often, though I do lurk a lot).
I watch ZP for two reasons: (1) Funny comments about games and (2) *relatively* objective reviews of games I woulnd't have heard of otherwise (Psychonauts, Condemned) while at the same time seeing the games I like be discussed through the viewpoint of someone other than me who is into the opposite spectrum of gaming(FPS and PC gaming) as I am (console adventures/RPGs).
Now, I knew Yahtzee would hate Brawl. I knew he would spew pure bile after that first protracted "Ugh" because I had a feeling he was being pestered nonstop to review it. I am actually sad he reviewed it now - all it would lead to was more frustration and hate for this game for the sole reason that he was forced into it. I was not expecting this review today, either.
But to avoid discussing the game itself, or elitism, or something else retarded that would lead to this topic's degeneration, I want to ask something about the review itself - that IS what this topic is for, right?
Now that I've got the prelude out of the way... is it just me, or was this not really a 'review' in the slightest? Normally Yahtzee bashes the game, but he comments on the mechanics, the story, the gameplay, the quirks, the pitfalls, the benefits... and you come out with some understanding of what the game is like. He gets valid points across. I just watched the review again, and he did not bring up many points about the game at all! Maybe a handful of comments at best, but nothing substantial. It was just full of hatred for this game and everyone who made him do it. Sure, I laughed a bunch of times, but he did not 'review' the game. I came out of this review with nothing I didn't know beforehand - something in direct contrast to literally every other review he has done - just the knowledge that Yahtzee (A) truly hates fighting games almost as much as JRPG's and (2) He abhors being forced to review a game.
Am I the only one to see this as not a 'review', but more of a hate-rant? Or am I in the minority on these boards (which I must admit I don't post to often, though I do lurk a lot).