Zero Punctuation: The Witcher

[spire23]

Frankly...this week's review was rather poor...the few things that Yahtzee pointed out to can be sorted out in about 20-40 minutes of starting the game ( alchemy is optional on easy mode at least), although I have to admit that I was a bit annoyed at having to walk unjustifiably long distances in the first chapter, but that's about where my opinion stops coinciding with his, try following the story a bit, you might end up liking it in the end. The painkiller bit was nice though...

QFE. Our man Yahtz obviously didn't get to 90% of the content.

The only knock that the Witcher deserves is that its starting area is far, far too long, boring, and slow-paced. I almost quit playing before it ended as well -- but once you arrive in the city, the game becomes one of the finest RPGs I've played on a PC to-date (maybe KOTOR still beats it, but whatever: it's fucking close).

I love this dude's reviews, but I was pretty disappointed today. Though in retrospect, I can't say that it's out of character as he does seem thoroughly incapable of enjoying any game that requires reading anything longer than three or four words at a time.

If you're still considering checking this title out, I highly recommend that you ignore Yahtzee's shallow and inaccurate synopsis and do so at your earliest opportunity. I believe Fileplanet is still offering a demo of the thing for members.

 

[SilentScope001]

Guys, for those complaining that Yazthee hates games with lots of text:

He wrote story-based adventure games WITH lots of texts. That how he gained his fame. That why he managed to actually get the attention necessary to go and review games. Before you deride him for coming up with lame storylines, why not play his FREE games with storylines? (Never said the storylines were good, even though I think they are, but hey, at least he is a game writer who doesn't want too much text, short, snappy, to the point...at least that what he said. To me, his games has "about the same amount of text" as a regular RPG, but heh.)

http://www.fullyramblomatic.com/games.htm

 

[Corbineau]

Now, there is a difference between yon Traditional RPG, and the subclass of RPGs which are, or play like, MMORPGS. In the former, while you do have to grind some, you don't have to FARM EPIC MOBZ. And the combat, depending on if turn-based or semi-action, is generally moar than.. well, one click. Also, while you may have quests and things, you have less of the Collect 10 Heads of My Enemies type quests. Et al.

So anyway. Whether or not he likes RPGs, I think what's real obvious is not liking the MMORPG playstyle, whether or not the game is, in fact, multi-player. You can and should Do Moar with the quests if you're not lightening the system up to function while carrying the weight of tons or players humping on your server.

 

[Rodge]

Dear everyone who is all 'well he clearly didn't play the whole game hurr':

OF COURSE HE DIDN'T PLAY THE WHOLE GAME. THAT'S THE POINT- HE COULDN'T PLAY THE WHOLE GAME BECAUSE IT FELT LIKE WORK*. THAT'S WHY THIS ONE IS TITLED 'FIRST IMPRESSIONS' INSTEAD OF 'A COMPLETELY FAIR AND BALANCED REVIEW OF THE WITCHER'S 80+ HOURS OF PLAY BY A MAN WHO LOVES GRIND AND KILLING GENERIC MONSTERS FOR CASH'!

I will probably regret yelling in the morning, so I'll apologise to you all now. Sorry. I am going to sleep.

*This was also brought up in... Super Paper Mario, I think? You know, with the penguin-on-a-stick. Games should be entertaining to the person who's playing them.

 

[Mamesj]

Love it...Yahtzee is funny until someone's favorite game gets hurt!

Personally, the Witcher is shaping up to be my favorite RPG ever, but the review was funny as hell nonetheless. And yes, the game gets off to a shitty start. I'm in chapter 2 right now though and it's a different game at this point...

As a game journalist, you probably have a shitload to play as it is, but if you ever find the time to get past the first couple hours of the game, give it a shot...you'll find a lot of the stuff you complain about is cured. The only MMORPG type quests are side quests called contracts. Otherwise, it's all pretty thick with story.

 

[Peircebm]

The "Intro Theater" bit was bloody brilliant.

 

[Kadayi]

Btw...

I finally found a LEGIT Article that criticizes The Witcher. It also talks about the story too, so maybe you might find it interesting.

http://www.gamedaily.com/games/the-witcher/pc/game-reviews/review/3106/1830/

It's hard to care about the story or any of the characters. Even though the game graphics generate some pretty good looking characters, they all lack facial expressions, and most don't even use hand gestures. With that said, characters rattle off lines while staring blankly into space, like statues with moving mouths. This game even has the silly role-playing convention where players can walk into any house and poke through the cupboards, cabinets and chests to take anything they please without repercussions. Then toss in the side story about non-human races like Dwarves and Elves forming guerilla squads against humans, and the narrative becomes almost impossible to take seriously, especially since the humans nicknamed these groups "squirrels."

And only 3% of the people who read that article agreed with it. The other 97% asked for the reviewer to be fired for ineptness.

 

[SilentScope001]

Btw...

I finally found a LEGIT Article that criticizes The Witcher. It also talks about the story too, so maybe you might find it interesting.

http://www.gamedaily.com/games/the-witcher/pc/game-reviews/review/3106/1830/

It's hard to care about the story or any of the characters. Even though the game graphics generate some pretty good looking characters, they all lack facial expressions, and most don't even use hand gestures. With that said, characters rattle off lines while staring blankly into space, like statues with moving mouths. This game even has the silly role-playing convention where players can walk into any house and poke through the cupboards, cabinets and chests to take anything they please without repercussions. Then toss in the side story about non-human races like Dwarves and Elves forming guerilla squads against humans, and the narrative becomes almost impossible to take seriously, especially since the humans nicknamed these groups "squirrels."

And only 3% of the people who read that article agreed with it. The other 97% asked for the reviewer to be fired for ineptness.

Now it's 4%.

Honestly, why do people scream when someone disagrees with them? Sounds utterly useless. <snips argument where I try to argue that the game is in fact bad because I realize that just hypocritical, but I have read the storyline and didn't like it>

Fun is relative, guys!

 

[Vitalix]

First impressions are good enough. One does not need to eat an entire egg to know that it is rotten.

 

[justdan]

I registered just to say, you know, we use the word "genius" today with abandon, but for you, the word falls short. By a lot. A LOT. Mega-props from across the seas to a guy who is so damn incredible he needs a new f-ing word to describe how awesome he is.

 

[jandj]

hahaha!!! its true, all true, i hope there'll be a call of duty 4 reveiw, i actually really like that game!

 

[Kenkaku]

I'd actually like to see Yahtzee review No More Heroes. It's defiinitely the kind of quirky title that needs to be reviewed by him.

 

[brenikai22]

I don't get the bit at the end. Besides that I didn't think it was very funny (I saw the resume joke coming from a mile away), not to discourage Yahtzee from trying new things, was that from Painkiller or The Witcher? If it was from Painkiller, why was it included?

ya WTF is with the extra?
it sounded like a skit by monty python!

u plaguerist

 

[brenikai22]

u should review a game from the prince of persia series, like the 2 thrones

 

[laikenf]

First impressions are good enough. One does not need to eat an entire egg to know that it is rotten.

This is a game, not food. The same with movies, books, CDs, theatre... Whoever said that you could give an honest review of any of these forms of entertainment without experiencing the entire product is a fool. Does anybody remember Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast? That starts out EXTREMELY SLOW. I'ts around the 4th stage or so that you get you're hands on a lightsabre and some force powers, afterwards the game truely shines. Now think of a review of that game where the reviewer didn't have the patience to get past the first 4 stages... Missinformation is a dull affair indeed.

 

[rockchild17]

hey, to all the mmorpg fans out there i bet the witcher is a good game. the problem is that most sane people don't have the time, pacience or interest to devote their life to a video game.

 

[ZippyDSMlee]

First impressions are good enough. One does not need to eat an entire egg to know that it is rotten.

This is a game, not food. The same with movies, books, CDs, theatre... Whoever said that you could give an honest review of any of these forms of entertainment without experiencing the entire product is a fool. Does anybody remember Jedi Knight 2: Jedi Outcast? That starts out EXTREMELY SLOW. I'ts around the 4th stage or so that you get you're hands on a lightsabre and some force powers, afterwards the game truely shines. Now think of a review of that game where the reviewer didn't have the patience to get past the first 4 stages... Missinformation is a dull affair indeed.

Starting slow is not the problem...the clunky controls and menus and needlessly dragged out areas of gameplay design that make the game feel like work are what keeps this game around a 5-7.

 

[Magnus Of Weelilplace]

I registered just to say, you know, we use the word "genius" today with abandon, but for you, the word falls short. By a lot. A LOT. Mega-props from across the seas to a guy who is so damn incredible he needs a new f-ing word to describe how awesome he is.

I'll second that. Not because I agree with everything said, just because he makes truly amazing reviews that express his personal beliefs. Not the beliefs of the people paying him.

 

[WYSIWTF]

Yahtzee, I'm a big fan of your work and I can't possibly blame you that you didn't get what The Witcher was all about. Your "first impression" was hilarious and for the most part coincides with my first impreesion of the game being a wacky ***** to handle.
However, a while back when you talked about the games-R-art hippies vs. the consoletards with the attention span of a fruit fly, I was left with the impression that you leaned towards ascribing yourself the former group, because you said you liked the game in question for what it tried to achieve rather than being put off by its shortcomings.
That's why I don't get this "review". The Witcher, however unorthodox, is one of the most rewarding games I've played in ages, but it doesn't give up the prize easily. It requires quite an effort on the player's part, and, granted, you have better things to do with your time than dig up diamonds in a digital pile of shit, the honest thing to do would be to give it a closer (or at least a lenghtier) look. The way it stands it's just unprofessional on your part. Or maybe you did find some of its redeeming qualities and have explicitly chosen not to mention them? Now that would be plain crass.
Of course, everyone's entitled to an opinion, it's just that yours matters to a lot of people.

The Painkiller bit on the other hand was pure genius!

 

[LarsWestergren]

>Not because I agree with everything said, just because he makes truly amazing reviews that express his
>personal beliefs.Not the beliefs of the people paying him.

Are you sure? He said in one of his first reviews - "I learned from my Psychonauts review that nobody likes me when I'm being nice to a game".

When the monkey gallery jumps and shrieks with approval (I count myself there the more mean he is and that turns into more page hits for The Escapist, don't you think he would feel a little pressure to continue looking for bad things in all games rather than good? And isn't that also selling out a little bit, though it is giving the viewers exactly what they want rather than the publishers?