Zero Punctuation: Velvet Assassin

Maidenite

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May 11, 2008
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Great review, not his best but still funny! The opening joke was a bit gross though.
 

Jay Cee

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Nov 27, 2008
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The very fact that this was developed by South peak was a terrible indication.
This was getting bad scores from even the most positive of reviewers, so I could tell hilarity was coming when the most pessimistic of them all had a stab and the crappy game.

Yahtzee forever
 

Broken Blade

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Nov 29, 2007
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"What is this, community service?" That might well be one of the best last lines ever. Another good one, Yahtzee!
 

Cartman2nd

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May 19, 2009
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Nice review, didn't like it as much as Valkyria C. though.

"Community service" had me.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Aug 8, 2007
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Ending was hilarious. Beginning was f'ed up. Ripping off jewish baby faces and jerking off with them? WTF is wrong with you Scrabble! Er...Yahtzee!
 

Atlea

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Aug 29, 2007
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The final comment: possibly the most I've laughed at ZP in quite a few episodes. I was wondering that myself, he just puts it so succinctly.
 

CapitalDave

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No mention of the horrific corruption of the original source, who's family would not permit her name to be used, when it was going to be so blatantly sexualised?

"Violette Szabo, you see, was captured by the Germans after just over a year of active duty as a Special Operations Executive. During her incarceration, she was repeatedly beaten, starved and sexually abused. Ultimately, she was executed, aged just 23." -

Games like this are part of why people won't respect the game industry as an art form, I would have thought Yahtzee would mention that. (and be more offended)
 

Rascarin

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Feb 8, 2009
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The fact that Yahtzee hated her hair makes me feel very self conscious about my own hair; it was disturbed to find the other day that my hair does exactly the same thing (where it all sweeps off to the one side). It don't do it on purpose, I swear.

Then again, Yahtzee hates everything, so perhaps I should pay it no heed.

ON TOPIC, I think I must be one of the only people that didn't hate this game...
 
Jan 23, 2009
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Yeah Community Service all the way! Now all we need is for the Italians to make a crappy WW2 game and we're off
 

Evan Waters

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Dec 12, 2007
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I can only imagine the German version is about you fighting androids that just happen to have vulnerable necks and a love of generic fascism.
 

jboking

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I have not laughed at a Zero Punctuation episode in a long time, but the end of this one got me. "What is this, community service?"
 

Rajin Cajun

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Sep 12, 2008
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A damn good review though the Community Service part made me laugh pretty damn hard. Though the German government coming over to burn your house down if you mentioned the Nazis was pretty damn hysterical as well.
 

deewank

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Dec 15, 2008
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Actually I played this game and thought it was alright but he brings out a few good points about the flaws in the gameplay and the outfits
 

Mrsoupcup

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Jan 13, 2009
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"Why are the countries that were in the Axis forces making WW2 games? What is this community service?" Lol. This is one of the best episodes I have seen in a while.
 

Fingerprint

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Oct 30, 2008
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I genuinely laughed out loud at the end joke about the "community service". When he was saying the Splinter Cell crossed with... etc. it sounded good - or at least like it should have been. Anyway, I'll look forward to next weeks review.
 

PG

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Apr 2, 2008
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Great video again.
@Jay Cee: most reviewers are giving this 7/10 or more.
 

The Great JT

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Oct 6, 2008
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Axis powers making World War 2 games...next thing you know, an Italian gaming company will make a game called "3D Punch Hitler In The Face".
 

JTLW

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Jan 23, 2009
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Ahh, 4 minutes of fantastic-as-ever reviewing goodness.

It seems the main character suffers from Kratos Syndrome, where just seem to be having that little bit more fun than a real person would have when butchering enemies.

Although if she flung swords on chains around and killed Nazis whilst wearing lingerie...

*Wanders off to the 'IDEAS LABORATORY' to develop a "new" game!*
 

birdman_91

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May 20, 2009
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lol another great video yahtzee
"get out of 'fuckup' free" card <-- i need one for monopoly, i alsways lose
 

nova18

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CapitalDave said:
No mention of the horrific corruption of the original source, who's family would not permit her name to be used, when it was going to be so blatantly sexualised?

"Violette Szabo, you see, was captured by the Germans after just over a year of active duty as a Special Operations Executive. During her incarceration, she was repeatedly beaten, starved and sexually abused. Ultimately, she was executed, aged just 23." -

Games like this are part of why people won't respect the game industry as an art form, I would have thought Yahtzee would mention that. (and be more offended)
Im going to agree with you here, I know games are meant to be about entertainment, but any game that references a real section of history with real individuals, it should be handled more tastefully.

Also, I still dont know if the game is GOOD or not. All I learned from that video is that I like Yahtzees voice and he has cool jokes.
 

PedroSteckecilo

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Feb 7, 2008
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The community service line was the only one that really got a giggle this time...

Overall Susan's Review was much better and almost funnier at times.
 

The Brian J

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Apr 18, 2009
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"For the Sixteen Hyperbolillionth Time!"

Hearing Yahtzee discuss this, it just sounds like a ton of other game cliches jammed together into one.

Still, very funny review.
 

Vanguard_Ex

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Mar 19, 2008
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I dream of a future Escapist...a better Escapist, where retards don't try and bag their comments in early when they clearly haven't even watched the video...

Someday...anyway this was hilarious as usual ^^ Death to South Peak
 

neuromasser

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Jan 20, 2009
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Seemed a little bit short. but good nonetheless. I'm surprised that I was online when video was upped, this is probably the first time :p

nova18 said:
Also, I still dont know if the game is GOOD or not. All I learned from that video is that I like Yahtzees voice and he has cool jokes.
Well if you want to know, here is the review.
 

BlueInkAlchemist

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Jun 4, 2008
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The decent but somewhat mid-quality review this week is bookended by very funny moments, the end being the aforementioned "community service," and the beginning having a moment of Yahtzee's now-classic "Oh no everybody can see my bum." In German.

I enjoyed it.
 

WolfmanNougat

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May 14, 2009
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Pretty good as always. Not particularly memorable (appropriate for the game then, yes?) and the ending was a little abrupt, but still pretty good anyhow.
 

Kanashe

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May 8, 2008
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Meh, again nothin' special. Seen this, done that, good day sir. The only thin' this review made wanna do is get my copy of Hitman and MGS1 out and play it again, because atleast thoes games aren' as bad as Velvet Asssassin, and ya know what. There already was a WWII stealth game of wich no one knew or cared to try called "Death to Spies", maybe because it was a Russian project, or maybe the game didn' travel out many countries. Wich is a shame since it did a far better job than Velve Assassin, and was more stealth based and less gunplay.
 

Zydrate

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Apr 1, 2009
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Sigh. None of the sites videos are working for me. Red X deal.
What format does it use (Java, Flash, etc) so I can look into this matter?

Edit: Nevermind, it tells me I need to update Flash. Damnit.
 

rowly36

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May 13, 2009
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this game looks terrible...

great review though, probably one of the funniest i have seen in a long time. the last line was the one that had me on the floor in fits of laughter.

but seriously, the developers tried to come up with a reason why she was wearing so little half of the time, and i actually laughed when i read their excuses.
 

Bart Wux

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Dec 4, 2008
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The part where the german government comes to your house made me laugh... the sad thing is that this is probably closer to the truth than Yahtzee even realized.
 

Doug

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Apr 23, 2008
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Very amusing video I thought, and whilst I'm surprised he didn't like Splinter Cell, I can understand the reason he gave.

Anywho, as for Velvet assasin, I figured it'd be poo-poo, heh.
 

3_of_8

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In fact, the Nazis are mentioned in Germany all the time. It's really annoying, 15 bloody years in German history and you hear and read about it all the time. It seems like we Germans have a strong urge to talk about how bad the Nazis were all the time even though it's several generations away. Of course, they were bad, but everybody knows that anyway. (Well, almost everybody)

So, it's not a problem to make a game about Nazis. But if you depict them in a way that could perhaps be interpreted as downplaying, you have half the country at your throat. And you can't show Nazi symbols like the swastika. But apart from that... not a problem.
 

Inuprince

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Aug 12, 2008
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Violett Szabo is from Hungary - which is my home country, although I'm not a Special Operations Executive ...or am I??? :)

Oh well, the review was great, the last line was the very best and now I must leave before my bomb blows up under Gadolf Schmitler's house.. ^^
 

Sgt Doom

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The "community service" comment got me like a .50 cal to the head of an insurgent.
And yeah, if they're going to try and base the main character of an actual WW2 spy, they could've at least tried to keep to the history. If not, why didn't they just make someone up?
 

chase211

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Its pretty clear to me at this point that ZP is reviewing the unimportant and forgetable games to please his fanbase that bitches so much when he bashes a mainstream title in an effort to be able to safely burn to death a title no one gives a flying shit about without pissing off fans. What he seems to fail to realize is that it is his very controversial nature that makes him worth watching. I would be willing to bet his review of Super Smash Bros had more views than any other video...and I would also bet his video directly after that got more views as a result.
 

yeah_so_no

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That is so, so true, how it would have gone had it been an American production!

And community service indeed. Hee.
 

Tech Team FTW!

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Actually, when he said the plot was similar to Hitman: Blood Money he meant Hitman: Contracts.

But I'll forgive that little faux pas.
 

Bart Wux

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Masterventure said:
The
People in germany talk very openly about the past and it's a very large topic in school, there is probably a better understanding of ww2 and the nazi regime in germany than in the uk and america.
Yeah, I know. I've been living in germany for 28 years now. As far as videogames are concerned though and especially the symbols, Yahtzee could not have been more correct.
 

Kojiro ftt

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I actually think Yahtzee went easy on the game.

As I mentioned before, I like the game. I also like Violette's hair. While I admit the nighty is a bit silly, it was a good way to show how the morphine sequences tie into the hospital bed.
 

Moriarty70

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Dec 24, 2008
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It's a little known fact that the Italians tried to make a few WW2 games, but all the studios sunk.
 

Kuchinawa212

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That was awesome. I loved the little community serivice thing at the end with the Axis powers.

Great Job as always
 

Saacred

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I'm buying you a beer next time i'm in Brisbane. whether you're there to enjoy it or not...

p.s. i hope you're there to enjoy it...
 

solidstatemind

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Nov 9, 2008
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This was one of those vids where the text carried the day for me. From the German translation of "Everybody can see my bum" to "Still, have to admire the infrastructure" to the "are you our new mommy?" to the outre.
 

Zombie_Fish

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Mar 20, 2009
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solidstatemind said:
This was one of those vids where the text carried the day for me. From the German translation of "Everybody can see my bum" to "Still, have to admire the infrastructure" to the "are you our new mommy?" to the outre.
Don't forget "I'm going to investingate that fart".

Classic review though.
 

Cosplay Horatio

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As my friend Robot Torg said, "The game is too linear and nothing special. That's two reasons why it sucks". In my opinion, if you can find at least 5 solid reasons why a game sucks its not even worth renting or downloading the demo.
 

RTR

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Hehehe...community service.
BTW, how much german does Yahtzee really know?
 

Ickorus

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Mar 9, 2009
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Velvet assassin is such a dodgy name..

Wonder if Killing Floor is gonna get a review, great game for what it is but i wonder.
 

Ickorus

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Pallindromemordnillap said:
I can't see the video...The screen is just black...
I had this the other day, i had to find a different website to get it to work.
 

Ace01

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wait, the game was by Germans? WTF, I thought the world hitler there would get you shotgunned.
 

whyarecarrots

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chase211 said:
Its pretty clear to me at this point that ZP is reviewing the unimportant and forgetable games to please his fanbase that bitches so much when he bashes a mainstream title in an effort to be able to safely burn to death a title no one gives a flying shit about without pissing off fans. What he seems to fail to realize is that it is his very controversial nature that makes him worth watching. I would be willing to bet his review of Super Smash Bros had more views than any other video...and I would also bet his video directly after that got more views as a result.
Or maybe it's because he's trying to play different games to the normal mainstream FPS games that he normally does: he mentioned it on his blog and in a recent video, and I think it's a good thing. And maybe he reviewed this because he likes stealth games (see Thief), and was generally interested in playing it?
 

jimduckie

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wohoo saved money again which means .... EVERYONE SAY IT WITH ME !!! MORE BEER cause more beer is what we all want , anyway the part about the stealth was spot on , the baby's face was sic but the have a tiger was a hoot plus the end community service ?
 

Headwuend

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Ach nein, mein Bum! D:


Ace01 said:
wait, the game was by Germans? WTF, I thought the world hitler there would get you shotgunned.
No, no it doesn't. Depp.
 

Utarefson

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I'm embarrassed by my own country that they handled world war 2 in such a mainstream (meaning:american) way.

So, will he finally review killing floor?This game is great!
 

Worsle

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CapitalDave said:
No mention of the horrific corruption of the original source, who's family would not permit her name to be used, when it was going to be so blatantly sexualised?

"Violette Szabo, you see, was captured by the Germans after just over a year of active duty as a Special Operations Executive. During her incarceration, she was repeatedly beaten, starved and sexually abused. Ultimately, she was executed, aged just 23." -

Games like this are part of why people won't respect the game industry as an art form, I would have thought Yahtzee would mention that. (and be more offended)
Just like the movies always do then? No the acceptance of games does not mean all titles should or need to be 100% accurate or even attempt to be. Unrealistic portrayal of real life events will exist in any and every medium its just kind of how things are. It is also not a barrier to giving a understanding of what happened either, real life does not work like any game or movie or book so liberties pretty much have to be taken.

I am not saying the work in this game, not played it and by the sounds of the reviews I feel no need too. However the fact it is not what really happened does not make it good or bad its self.
 

StarStruckStrumpets

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I believe that in light of his recent reviews, he is regaining his comical spark. This was the only one that has truly made me laugh out loud for quite some time. Well done Yahtzee.
 

CAB_IV

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I liked the Fahrenheit 451 reference about the government burning people's houses down.
 

Onyx Oblivion

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Sep 9, 2008
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Well, I actually learned quite a few things about the game, thus making this the first "review" of his that I've enjoyed watching in a long time. Morphine goes away after one kill? REALLY? REALLY?
 

Jupsto

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yeah looks a bit pants gameplay but at least its a slightly original game. akin to what he said, playing a game made by germans is bound to be more interesting than made by americans.
 

Gerkuman

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Generally, I hold the opinion that if Yahtzee doesn't state his position on a game, it falls into the default 'meh' category. One thing is for certain though, it seems like he's getting bored with the world war two stuff; but then, he's been saying that for a long time.

It was an interesting and informative review, and it's definitely not the sort of game I'd like to play.
 

MAUSZX

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I insist if you want to review a bad awful game. You should review STORMRISE
Great review
 

NeedAUserName

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I think most people would agree, that the line "What is this, community service?" is one of the best lines ever mentioned...
 

Stewie Plisken

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The review was great, as always. In fact, it's going up there with the classics.

That aside, I'm starting to believe that South Peak are a bit too anxious to succeed in the industry. They constantly rip off other titles, which isn't that bad on its own, but their games end up competent enough to play, but not to buy. Two Worlds wasn't horrible or anything, but it couldn't compare to Oblivion and anybody who wasn't RPG-hungry wouldn't bother. X-Blades was like Heavenly Sword only shittier (and HS was already pretty shitty) and this is a mesh of all the big boys in the stealth genre, only without any attempt for something more than basic functionality.

A little effort to add some depth in the gameplay won't hurt, boys!
 

JusticeSoulTuna

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True say; when ya gotta make something *ahem* 'historical* ya gotta add some "fan service", else not many people would be attracted to it. Like X-Blades; blatant back-side on the front. Nice, yes. Wholesome? Hmm...
 

Treblaine

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So, I think Yahtzee concluded it is a bit like Splinter cell but has the same fundamental flaws as Assassin's creed... sooo... if you liked Splinter Cell and Assassin's Creed then this game is a rent?

But I get it, Yahtzee is mostly for lols, though the key to great humour is basing it on and underlying truth.
 

YoungZer0

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Jay Cee said:
The very fact that this was developed by South peak was a terrible indication.
This was getting bad scores from even the most positive of reviewers, so I could tell hilarity was coming when the most pessimistic of them all had a stab and the crappy game.

Yahtzee forever
Nice try but it wasn't developed by South Peak.

Anyway, the german government has nothing against people mentioning Nazi. In fact it's the complete opposite. The only thing the german government is careful with is the use of the Swastika. They only allowed to be used in documentary or stuff that is against nazi bullshit, like American History X. They usually censor/change the emblem if it's featured in videogames.
 

Thewarlordc

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Mr. Yahtzee,are you sure it's Hitman Blood Money and it's not Hitman Contracts the game you compared this one to? I'm no big Hitman fan, but i can guarantee you that Hitman Contracts' story is told from a perspective similar to Velvet Assassin and not Blood Money... my 2 cents.
 

Cerebreus

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I'm having trouble viewing the video. Every time I try, the "dial-up connection" thing appears as if I got disconnected from the internet. Any idea of how to fix this, or maybe where else I can find the video?
 

calelogan

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Thewarlordc said:
Mr. Yahtzee,are you sure it's Hitman Blood Money and it's not Hitman Contracts the game you compared this one to? I'm no big Hitman fan, but i can guarantee you that Hitman Contracts' story is told from a perspective similar to Velvet Assassin and not Blood Money... my 2 cents.
I think Yahtzee actually wanted to reference to "Hitman: Contracts" instead of "Blood Money" when he mentioned the whole "mission flashbacks while lying on the death bed" scenario. I know that Hitman is lying inside a casket in Blood Money, but I don't see the game as a series of flashbacks.

As for the "Axis Developers" it is in fact curious and I also thought Germans were extremely strict when creating works related to WW2 and the Nazi regime. Still, I'd rather get believable soldier dialog in german and an attempt at viewing the war from a not-allied point of view. Though I have to admit Infinity Ward has convinced me when it comes to wars.

Nice review. Keep up the witty remarks. :)
 

Pendragon9

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This game seems just as bad as Valkyria Chronicles.

For now on, I'm automatically hating any game set in WW2. More originality or gtfo.

Nice review, Yahtzee.
 

Ima Lemming

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Cerebreus said:
I'm having trouble viewing the video. Every time I try, the "dial-up connection" thing appears as if I got disconnected from the internet. Any idea of how to fix this, or maybe where else I can find the video?
I personally have not been able to get this video to load yet. It just hangs on that spinning circle thing forever, and every now and then I get the Team Fortress 2 tournament ad thing before it hangs up.

I tried another computer and got the same thing.

And I've been having trouble getting other videos - ZPs, Unskippables, and the most recent There Will Be Brawl - to load for several days now.
 

bartholen_v1legacy

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Jan 24, 2009
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"Intense behind-the-lines morally ambiguous realism so gritty you could lay it in your front yard and call it a driveway"

"What is this, community service?"

The best (and actually the only smile-evoking) jokes in this review.
 

Cheesebob

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calelogan said:
Thewarlordc said:
Mr. Yahtzee,are you sure it's Hitman Blood Money and it's not Hitman Contracts the game you compared this one to? I'm no big Hitman fan, but i can guarantee you that Hitman Contracts' story is told from a perspective similar to Velvet Assassin and not Blood Money... my 2 cents.
I think Yahtzee actually wanted to reference to "Hitman: Contracts" instead of "Blood Money" when he mentioned the whole "mission flashbacks while lying on the death bed" scenario. I know that Hitman is lying inside a casket in Blood Money, but I don't see the game as a series of flashbacks.
Actually Blood Money was about Flashbacks, thats why the dates were getting more recent, the man in the wheelchair was discussing 47's assinations with that guy from the press thus Flashbacks
 

guardian001

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Wait, it was made by Germans? That is surprising. Loved the community service joke too. I never actually noticed that it was always the axis countries that made WWII games lol...
 

sneak_copter

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Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

I am South Peak.

I am here... to destroy gaming forever!

Ha ha ha ha ha.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Rofl the end was hilarious...

Although is Yahtzee a neo-Nazi or some shit, because he likes to pick on any game which even touches the subject WWII indirectly....aside from names VC had nothing else in common ..and KZ 2...had nothing aside from the color schemes of the factions...
 

GiantRedButton

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At least as good as the last 5 reviews added together.
I especialy liked the "if you even mentioned "nazi" they burn down your house" part.
It´s only true for videogames by the way, the nazis logo is always consored etc.
But the government is okay with every bit of nazi symbologie that os not videogame related >.<
 

Moriarty

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Ace01 said:
wait, the game was by Germans? WTF, I thought the world hitler there would get you shotgunned.
you just don't joke about it.. not in public at least.

i heard about rise and fall of the nazi empire three or four times in school... blah.

edit: also, at least it doesn't have the nazis talk in badly made fake accents ;)
 

PeterDawson

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Yeah, the community service line was just awesome.

I will say as a Valkyria Chronicles fan (possibly fanboy, as I'm sure someone will point out) I was a bit annoyed about how over-simplified the game gets as being really idealistic at first. Of course during the game you get exposed to some harsh deaths, political frustrations and the risk of having non-officers die for good until you start a new game. Even so you'd think seeing a kid, woman and child get gunned down in one of the first cutscenes and the racist undertones would maybe get people to note this isn't entirely wholesome, but then again the storybook style doesn't help. I get it and all, I just feel like remarking about it.

Back to positive remarks and less wordy comments/weak complaints, I wonder if a game out there already has a Hitler Volcano base...
 

Night_Wolf

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"What is this? Community Service" No serriously. Its wierd. Very good Job Yahtzee. Looking forward to more and more fun times and great vid reviews.
 

Safe-Keeper

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I'm amazed he didn't make a reference to Mirror's Edge what with the moments in the game where you have nearly no weapons or armour (judging from the review - I haven't played the game) and find yourself up against 12 guys with machine guns. I was almost expecting him to utter something about "Mirror's Edge syndrome" or "it didn't work when Mirror's Edge" did it, or somesuch or someother. Maybe he so hated my new fave game that he refuses to even mention it:D?
 

Sayvara

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"Introducing Mr Juggular to Lady Fossington-Switchblade", "Failing to make friends"... subtle, and funny euphemisms for snuffing people. :)

/S
 

Go on

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Mar 11, 2009
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"what is this community service?"
That ending really made my day XD
 

Gerazzi

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Feb 18, 2009
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Jesus, it's annoying to have the first five posts be completely idiotic.


but yeah, didn't want the game, wouldn't buy the game, and yes...
COMMUNITY SERVICE FOR WAR CRIMES.
I wanted you to review something else but I can't think of any actually good games out now...
On a side note, I can't think of any really bad ones either...
Just wait, Drake's Fortune will come back and so will Bioshock and you can go cuddle the FPS genre again like a jaded war veteran returning to his family.
 

bodyklok

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Feb 17, 2008
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Oh man that line at the end was hilarous, it's nice to see a reture to form and some real origionality again.
 

calelogan

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Cheesebob said:
calelogan said:
Thewarlordc said:
Mr. Yahtzee,are you sure it's Hitman Blood Money and it's not Hitman Contracts the game you compared this one to? I'm no big Hitman fan, but i can guarantee you that Hitman Contracts' story is told from a perspective similar to Velvet Assassin and not Blood Money... my 2 cents.
I think Yahtzee actually wanted to reference to "Hitman: Contracts" instead of "Blood Money" when he mentioned the whole "mission flashbacks while lying on the death bed" scenario. I know that Hitman is lying inside a casket in Blood Money, but I don't see the game as a series of flashbacks.
Actually Blood Money was about Flashbacks, thats why the dates were getting more recent, the man in the wheelchair was discussing 47's assinations with that guy from the press thus Flashbacks
Makes sense. I take that back, though I still think "Contracts"'s storyline structure is more similar to "Velvet Assassin" rather than "Blood Money"
 

Wyatt

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Feb 14, 2008
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first review in months that made me laugh, i might have to buy this game if only for that reason.
 

Vlane

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Sep 14, 2008
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As somebody from austria I have to say that the last joke was almost too offensive. Awesome but still....
 

Moriarty

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Apr 29, 2009
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Vlane said:
As somebody from austria I have to say that the last joke was almost too offensive. Awesome but still....
bawuh? why?

im german and i laughed =)
 

Joey245

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Jan 29, 2009
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Odd that Yahtzee is reviewing so many WW2 games right around the time I'm studying for my WW2 test in World History at school. That last line was pretty funny, though.
 

whaleswiththumbs

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Feb 13, 2009
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lmao girtty enough to park your driveway on.

Hey yahtzee i think the message is that nazi were evil, but the soldiers didn't want to die. Which doesn't explain kamikazes, ltet me change it then. i think the message is that nazi were evil, but the soldiers didn't want to die, except for the Japanese.

EDIT, ythe hel1 does every other person get banned for watching the video then wuickly replying, if it's because of the speed of it, maybe you should bann all of them who post early, instead of which ever one farts and looks at you funny(hope all of you got that)
 

L4Y Duke

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Nov 24, 2007
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Sounds like the Morphine feature is yet another in a long line of "WTF?" gameplay mechanics.
 

GoblinOnFire

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Jul 28, 2008
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Old Ben has returned! This smells of victory, I tell ya!
Funny and cruel AND politically uncorrect at the same time. What's not to love?

I promised myself I wouldn't post here, because of the 140 posts before me. I didn't read them, I just figured they'd all be "w00t first!" "w00t second!" "w00t 140th!" ya know

Then I convinced myself that they'd all be banned and posted anyway.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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Aug 8, 2007
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I LOVE that last crack at the end
"All the World War 2 games are being developed by the axis forces, what is this? Community service?"
great review, though the humor is starting to slow down again, and its back to a pretty good review, but with a few really good jokes (like the one mentioned above)
 

Fingerprint

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Wounded Melody said:
piers789 said:
I genuinely laughed out loud at the end joke about the "community service".
Ahh I was just going to say that! I laughed out loud and scared my dog.
Nice, I had a similar effect on my cat, poor thing jumped a foot in the air (maybe a slight exaggeration but you get the idea). It was very, very funny - both the joke and the cat.
 

Vlane

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Moriarty said:
Vlane said:
As somebody from austria I have to say that the last joke was almost too offensive. Awesome but still....
bawuh? why?

im german and i laughed =)
It was a joke. It was funny as hell. I generally laugh about stuff like that.
 

Droids_Rule

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Mar 26, 2009
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The community service joke had me seriously laughing out loud. Excellent review, errr... criticism. :p
 

blobin

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Dec 24, 2008
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but yahtzee... i thought Hitler was right?

and wats with all the people on prohibation
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

New member
Aug 8, 2007
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Right, thats it, Yahtzees lost all touch with the notion of quality. He liked this game more than Valkyria Chronicles
PG said:
Great video again.
@Jay Cee: most reviewers are giving this 7/10 or more.
Noooooo they are not.
 

Novacain4862

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Feb 12, 2009
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Lol everyone is now reviewing this game, I remembered when I reviewed it about a few weeks ago and only got 4 replies xD. Well like I said to Susuan I agree with everything you said. Though I did like the morphine mode, I found it a bit tacky.
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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lol was funny, but its starting to feel like the escapist are reviewing the same game to many times, watching a review, an unskipable and a zp on the same game is getting a bit much, hate to say it but maybe zp should start reviewing old games.
 

shifty_rob

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May 20, 2009
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Ending was good. Also, apparently Yahtzee saw the Cracked article about Hitler only having one ball.
 

lacktheknack

Je suis joined jewels.
Jan 19, 2009
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To everyone who didn't figure it out: Yahtzee didn't HATE the game, he just didn't like it. Which means it's perfectly playable for everyone with lower standards (ie. 99.9% of the world's population).
 

lacktheknack

Je suis joined jewels.
Jan 19, 2009
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gillrobin said:
but yahtzee... i thought Hitler was right?

and wats with all the people on prohibation
1. In the same video, at the end credits, he wrote "definitely doesn't think Hitler was right".

2. If you post before watching, you get put on probation. Check the times between the OP and their posts.
 

Judithia

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Mar 25, 2009
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Valkyria chronicles was not really a WW2 game.

Lets just say i enjoyed this "review" or rather rant a lot more then your last.
 

Moriarty

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Apr 29, 2009
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Vlane said:
Moriarty said:
Vlane said:
As somebody from austria I have to say that the last joke was almost too offensive. Awesome but still....
bawuh? why?

im german and i laughed =)
It was a joke. It was funny as hell. I generally laugh about stuff like that.
i kinda thought so, because of your age. it's just too funny to give foreigners that "OMG HITLER"-stare when they mention nazis :D



shifty_rob said:
Ending was good. Also, apparently Yahtzee saw the Cracked article about Hitler only having one ball.
wtf? cracked article? if it's the same article i remember, thats german comedy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ChStYkcvD68 (warning:german language! :! (ignore the title of that vid))
 

crimped

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Feb 3, 2008
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"what is this community service?" HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!!!!! BWAAHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! fucking brilant!!! BEST review so far!
 

duchaked

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Undeadpope said:
"what is this community service?" that made me laugh,alot.
hahaha yeah I laughed out so loudly it was embarrassing for a moment x)
 

mattsell

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Dec 11, 2008
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Trying not to read to much (to not spoil the review), but is anyone else having problems watching the video. After the Team Fortress 2 ad pops up and plays it freezes of the actual video.
 

sgtshock

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It's been said before, and I'll say it again. The "community service" joke had me in stitches. It is really weird that it was made in germany though. Not just for the reason of Germany's extreme anti-nazi representation policy, but because the entire game is about slitting the throats of thier countrymen.
 

maximara

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The Great JT said:
Axis powers making World War 2 games...next thing you know, an Italian gaming company will make a game called "3D Punch Hitler In The Face".
It does strike me as weird that the Axis power is making WW2 video games. The US I can see as Yahtzee said in an earlier review US WW2 video games are basically the US trying to relive the one war in living memory where the US had a clear evil foe that really mattered. But the Axis powers doing these games? That is totally Bizarro world unless they are made with the US buying public in mind.

Of course given the quality of the games (Velvet Assassin is not getting good reviews from what I have seen) that assumes there was a mind for something to be in.

I am surprised given how much Yahtzee likes stealth games he didn't talk more about the broken stealth mechanic I am reading about in other reviews ie game says you are successively hiding but then a soldier comes around the corner and promptly shoots you.
 

13lackfriday

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Haha, nice theory on the ironic locations of the publishing companies doing these games...probably the closest they'll ever get to facing down their guilt and formally apologizing for it.

I liked the exaggeration of all the game's blunders...the instant death with detection, the highly circumstancial get-out-of-jail-free-card mindfuckery, and the mixed messages on morality.
 

The Keeper

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Great review. On the other hand, now I've got the phrase "Yahtzee the Game Nazi" stuck in my head, thanks to that last bit.
 

Mr C

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shifty_rob said:
Ending was good. Also, apparently Yahtzee saw the Cracked article about Hitler only having one ball.
Nope, he's just spent some time in an English schoolyard

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitler_Has_Only_Got_One_Ball
 

Mr. Blond

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Mar 4, 2009
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very funny...i liked this one alot...the one ball and silly moustache line in the credits broke me up...i liked hitman, assasins creed, splinter cell, and sweet asses...maybe i'll try this one...more of a review than usual, still just a rant though
 

habslove

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Aug 21, 2008
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lol loved it but for some reason I didn't actually really laugh until the last "community service" part. That got me
 

Silva

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I don't know about "anti-war 'bullshit'", Yahtzee. That's your opinion. But otherwise, a nice review.
 

Elf Defiler Korgan

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Ah WW II games. Nice review, what Yahtzee did with the deflated Hitman was worth a good laugh. The baby face was a shocker. And how very interesting that the Nazis were humanised, with letters and such.
 
Mar 26, 2008
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It seems Yahtzee has some psuedo-Freudian obsession with cocks and dildos as his last several reviews have contained them in some form. It reminds me of that dude in Superbad who can't help drawing dicks everywhere. Is the next review going to be created entirely using the contents of the back shelf of his local Club X store? Still maybe that is what the kids want these days; more genitalia, buggery jokes and dropping the "c bomb" and less of the more intellectual and topical humour that set him apart from the other moron wanna-bes (fortunately he's still much better than that lot).

That said, I found it a welcome return to form after the adventures in genres-I-don't-like-land. That last bit about the axis developers was an absolute pearler.
 

Peteuplink

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May 20, 2009
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Wow Velvet Assassin and Valkyria Chronicles turned out to be somewhat lacking in the gaming department... Who would have guesed? *insert sarcastic smiley here*
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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I dunno... perhaps it's because I'm German and have heard so many stupid jokes about Germans censoring everything etc etc, but I couldn't laugh so much about the last joke. I'm not offended in any way... it's more like the guy with a stupid name: Others might find jokes about his name very funny, but he's probably heard them all already.
That said, I didn't know this one was made by Germans and I would have expected a German developer to give the topic a bit more respect and put a bit more thought into it.
The rest of the review had its moments, though.
 
Jan 21, 2009
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stupid question being asked here>>>> "so, is this game on the PS3 as well?" i googled it and some sites said it was and some said it wasnt. i get the feeling it is not.. which is too bad since i'm a huge fan of the splinter cell games and it has been a long while since a good stealth game came out that looked interesting as this. i'd still like to play it.
 

Socken

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The burning our houses down part is so very true.

Political correctness is a *****.
 

darkscum

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that's a good review, I think it almost sounded like he liked the game and that's why he was busy ripping the developers and what the Americans would of done if it wasn't made by the Axis I think that would of happened if it was Yankees too :)

and yes I was laughing my ass off when the brilliant Yahtzee came out with 'community service'
 

kjrubberducky

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Usually I just chuckle and giggle when watching Zero Punctuation, but when the community service line came up at the end, I actually *snorted*. Pretty funny overall, but the ending was jut classic!
 

furgy117

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So in other words, Violet is Lara Croft during world war 2, because they are both crazy.
 

jezcentral

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CapitalDave said:
No mention of the horrific corruption of the original source, who's family would not permit her name to be used, when it was going to be so blatantly sexualised?

"Violette Szabo, you see, was captured by the Germans after just over a year of active duty as a Special Operations Executive. During her incarceration, she was repeatedly beaten, starved and sexually abused. Ultimately, she was executed, aged just 23." -

I would have thought Yahtzee would mention that. (and be more offended)
I'll join those who shared this thought.
 

Stabby Joe

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Great episode, many stand out moments! The first "that joke" we all know what we're talking bout was a JESUS CHRIST! moment and that ending was brilliant, expect the new Wolfenstein to be that game ending Yahtzee explained then lol!

The Japanese have oddly enough escaped WW2 politically incorrect jokes despite **** the Chinese aren't gonna let drop anytime soon... whereas the Germans seem to get Nazi references at every turn of the head (western Europe love it!) and I don't understand why...

...or maybe in the Asian Pacific the Japanese are at the butt of every WW2 joke, who knows...

BTW the German community service went very well since they made Downfall lol!
 

andsoitgoes

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Gads, I'm just going bananas. Who is the guy with the hair that he uses all the time, normally to talk about something useless, boring or stupid?

I'm at a loss and I'm dying to know. Please for the help?
 

Timboman

Cave Johnson, we're done here.
May 20, 2009
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Sigh, why is MGS4 the only good stealth game of this generation.
 

Safe-Keeper

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Sigh, why is MGS4 the only good stealth game of this generation.
It wasn't. It was a bad run-and-gun game of this generation. Stealth games usually involve some degree of hiding.

I know what the answer is going to be - the classic fanboy "but the great thing about this game is you can play it however you want" (Metal Gear Solid Bible, Apologetics chapter 14, verse 9). Sorry, but a Hollywood-style "mow down rows of enemies with a huge arsenal of guns and a rocket launcher" action game is still an action game even if you can choose to hide around. I can choose to race those fast little buggies around in Battlefield 2, I guess that makes BF2 a racing game in your eyes.
 

Alima

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May 21, 2009
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South Peak - the Uwe Boll of the game studeos?

Yes, I went there!

It's not a bad game, but it is very linear. Also, the story and the telling of it is a bit confusing and muddy at times.
 

Triple G

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The Great JT said:
Axis powers making World War 2 games...next thing you know, an Italian gaming company will make a game called "3D Punch Hitler In The Face".
xD

I live in Germany and Yathzee is right. You make one Nazi joke and they all become angry. Once, when I was in 10th grade(after it classes are removed and you proceed university style) and our class wanted to make some "graduation-t-shirts". So I said I want to have "Kraft durch Freude"("Power through delightment", the German vacation-slogan during WWII) and the teacher went mad. It was only a joke.
 

Jay Cee

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YoungZer0 said:
Jay Cee said:
The very fact that this was developed by South peak was a terrible indication.
This was getting bad scores from even the most positive of reviewers, so I could tell hilarity was coming when the most pessimistic of them all had a stab and the crappy game.

Yahtzee forever
Nice try but it wasn't developed by South Peak.

Anyway, the german government has nothing against people mentioning Nazi. In fact it's the complete opposite. The only thing the german government is careful with is the use of the Swastika. They only allowed to be used in documentary or stuff that is against nazi bullshit, like American History X. They usually censor/change the emblem if it's featured in videogames.
Oh I'm sorry I invaded your pedantic laws.
And I pretty sure I said nothing about the Germans, unless that was out of context...
 

Yahtzee Croshaw

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What is this community service?

Thank you, I haven't laughed that hard in a while.

Anoos said:
How are all those posts at the start worth a probation?
Unless you can watch a four minute video in thirty seconds, the first posts amount to nothing but "Goody, new video!"
 

wolfshrimp

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Pi_Fighter said:
Actually, when he said the plot was similar to Hitman: Blood Money he meant Hitman: Contracts.

But I'll forgive that little faux pas.
Ach! Du hast mich geNinja'd Escaspister Schwein!

I personally would like to see a British-developed WWII game, if we must have any more of the damn things, where the British Army is depicted to hold more than Cockneys who use the the word 'bloody' in every sentence, red-haired Glaswegians who have nothing better to say than 'aye', and jolly old Captain Price types of the 55th Generic Officer Regiment. If we're going to continue running WWII titles into the ground let's have some diversity!

I read somewhere that Velvet Assassin had little clues that linked in to the real world. Read it in PCGamer (UK) something about some guys finding a stash of money and some gold bars which they were then allowed to keep! Uh yeah here's one story: http://www.planetxbox360.com/article_4417/Viral_Marketing_-_More_Velvet_Assassin_Gold_Found_in_UK

Funny neither the wiki page or Yahtzee mentions it
 

Taojin

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Feb 25, 2009
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I laughed out loud, very loud when I heard the last bit Yahtzee said "What is this, community service?". LOL! Very funny episode :) (makes up for me looking up that baby syndrome he mentioned in the "credits" in the previous Valkyria one, ...uff still got nightmares)
 

Vic Sage

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Good video, i have to say that i was never under the impression that Velvet Assassin would be a second rate version of both Hitman and Thief, and i was proved correct, which continues to show that people in the games industry are refusing to come up with new ideas and instead are using recycled mechanics from old games, though i am looking forward to what, if Yahtzee does review it, Yahtzee has to say about Prototype
 

Xelanath

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Programmed_For_Damage said:
It seems Yahtzee has some psuedo-Freudian obsession with cocks and dildos as his last several reviews have contained them in some form.
Sure, you could analyze his apparent obsession using a pseudo-Freudian method, but I don't know how someone can have a pseudo-Freudian obsession.
 

gc_danny

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Oct 3, 2007
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cutechao999 said:
Now all we need is a cold war game made by russia.
We've got one. It's called Hammer&Sickle, developed by Nival Interactive. It's pretty good.

In other news I'm surprised that Yahtzee didn't mention that all the game's enemies look like Nazi Vampires. Take a look: http://tinyurl.com/ob4mqh
 

StormwalkerX

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May 16, 2009
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Really good , I love the community service joke. Also can somebody please tell me the name of the song in the t-shirt commercial.
 

todd10k

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to be honest i liked velvet assassin. it's a pretty game if nothing else. The stealth aspect was badly done and the enemies were all psychic. But the premise and storyline were both really good.

Also, "what is this community service?" LOL.
 

YoungZer0

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Nov 28, 2007
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Jay Cee said:
YoungZer0 said:
Jay Cee said:
The very fact that this was developed by South peak was a terrible indication.
This was getting bad scores from even the most positive of reviewers, so I could tell hilarity was coming when the most pessimistic of them all had a stab and the crappy game.

Yahtzee forever
Nice try but it wasn't developed by South Peak.

Anyway, the german government has nothing against people mentioning Nazi. In fact it's the complete opposite. The only thing the german government is careful with is the use of the Swastika. They only allowed to be used in documentary or stuff that is against nazi bullshit, like American History X. They usually censor/change the emblem if it's featured in videogames.
Oh I'm sorry I invaded your pedantic laws.
And I pretty sure I said nothing about the Germans, unless that was out of context...
That was a comment to Yahtzees Video.
 

balimuzz

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Apr 15, 2009
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That final comment was brilliant. I can't wait to see Italy step up to the plate with their interpretation of WWII.
 

eyedonutkair

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Feb 6, 2009
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meh, yeah, that was funny. I wonder if assassins creed is really that bad tho? I havn't played it, and i'm all for naked chix sneakin about with knives...y'know, as long as i'm not her target and all...
And geez, what is with all you people throwin in yer 'everyone should know, but nobody cares' facts? oh, south peak made this, oh, you CAN say nazi in germany. I mean seriously? Who cares if it's tru or not, it was funny when he said it while showing a guy gettin toasted. THAT IS ALL. Keep yer funfacts to yerself for once...
Donut Lie Kit?
Eye Donut Kair.
 

Augg

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Mar 4, 2009
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rofl "what is this? community service?" I laughed so hard at that
 

Kalado

I'm in Spaaaaaaaace
May 6, 2009
69
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0
I am german and the last part was damn funny :D

Btw, i played the game and its not to bad, I thought it was a complete rip off from Metal gear solid more then one from hitman.
 

jemborg

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Oct 10, 2008
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WTF!! I've become another of those poor bastards that can't seem to get a fucking Escapist video to show. Fucking great!!!
 

Squiggers

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May 10, 2008
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eyedonutkair said:
meh, yeah, that was funny. I wonder if assassins creed is really that bad tho? I havn't played it, and i'm all for naked chix sneakin about with knives...y'know, as long as i'm not her target and all...
And geez, what is with all you people throwin in yer 'everyone should know, but nobody cares' facts? oh, south peak made this, oh, you CAN say nazi in germany. I mean seriously? Who cares if it's tru or not, it was funny when he said it while showing a guy gettin toasted. THAT IS ALL. Keep yer funfacts to yerself for once...
Donut Lie Kit?
Eye Donut Kair.
Stop butchering the English language, for the LOVE OF JEHOVAH.

"Donut Lie Kit?" and "Eye Donut Kair"?

Please, please, learn how to speak English.

On a side note, it was quite a good review, but I have to say, theres a lot of WW2 games popping up slaughtering the Nazi's recently...
 

DaBozz

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May 27, 2009
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Ah yes, funny as always Yathzee.
Loved the ending, but the text at the end was funny too.
"Still, even if he did only have one ball it must havbe been pretty
F***ing big to go outside with that moustache" lol.
good review aswell, Im going to avoid this game like the plauge now.
 

Logizomechanophobia

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Feb 23, 2009
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The ending made the entire review. I really laughed out loud ater that one. I completley missed the Hitler reference in the text though until I read the comments.
 

Arfy

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Jun 1, 2009
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Thanks for that Yahtzee. I'd thought you'd lost your touch after some recent reviews but I was so wrong. I laughed out loud several times and especially at the baby face one.
 

eyedonutkair

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Feb 6, 2009
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Squiggers said:
eyedonutkair said:
meh, yeah, that was funny. I wonder if assassins creed is really that bad tho? I havn't played it, and i'm all for naked chix sneakin about with knives...y'know, as long as i'm not her target and all...
And geez, what is with all you people throwin in yer 'everyone should know, but nobody cares' facts? oh, south peak made this, oh, you CAN say nazi in germany. I mean seriously? Who cares if it's tru or not, it was funny when he said it while showing a guy gettin toasted. THAT IS ALL. Keep yer funfacts to yerself for once...
Donut Lie Kit?
Eye Donut Kair.
Stop butchering the English language, for the LOVE OF JEHOVAH.

"Donut Lie Kit?" and "Eye Donut Kair"?

Please, please, learn how to speak English.

On a side note, it was quite a good review, but I have to say, theres a lot of WW2 games popping up slaughtering the Nazi's recently...
keese mai R-se, Ray Jing Flay Ming Moe Hoe:)
Maybe you should take your love of jehova and shove it in yer squigger.
Also, you squat when you pee, and you're a guy.
The Raspberry is implied.
 

coldfrog

Can you feel around inside?
Dec 22, 2008
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I... I feel so unobservant, but I JUST NOW got what I can only assume to be a Bioshock reference. Not that I go back through the archives and watch old ZP episodes over and over randomly for no apparent reason.

Though in my defense, I hadn't played Bioshock the first time I watched the reviews. That's my defense and I'm sticking to it.
 

nroejb

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Sep 13, 2009
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I wouldn´t expect much from a game with such a name in the first place (maybe a good title for a highly ironical game).
But to make things clear (again), it is ok to talk about Nazis in germany, as long as you don´t go deeper/ talking about more complex stuff then the obvious "Nazis were bad".
And of course not all Soldiers were Nazis (they prefered the SS which was technically more of a police unit), thus I guess it´s ok to present them as humans, I mean they don´t look like mosquitoes to me.
I just have to wonder about that special mode (active until the first kill). Aren´t there other games with something like that already (even some in the WW2 setting)?
I think something new and original would have been nice, but then again an original, creative stealth game with a name like Velvet Assassin... That just wouldn´t do.
 

Shoqiyqa

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Mar 31, 2009
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Bart Wux said:
The part where the german government comes to your house made me laugh... the sad thing is that this is probably closer to the truth than Yahtzee even realized.
http://www.dw-world.de/dw/article/0,2144,1833619,00.html
DW-World said:
West Germany was indeed slow to come to turns with its Nazi past. The Nuremberg War Crimes Tribunal brought the horrors of Hitler's regime to light, despite the fact that many Germans didn't want to talk about what happened. "People were ashamed. People felt guilty and didn't want to deal with it publicly," Benz said, "but they didn't deny it."

West Germany first made an effort during the student demonstrations in the late 1960s. They weren't just protesting against the Vietnam War, but also demanded that their parents speak openly about the Nazi past.

In the mid-1980s, German newspapers were filled with the so-called Historiker-Streit, a passionate dispute between German historians, not about whether the Holocaust occurred, but about whether it was a unique event in world history.

Germany's parliament passed legislation in 1985, making it a crime to deny the extermination of the Jews. In 1994, the law was tightened. Now, anyone who publicly endorses, denies or plays down the genocide against the Jews faces a maximum penalty of five years in jail and no less than the imposition of a fine.
http://www.wired.com/politics/law/news/2000/12/40669
Wired said:
Germany's Federal Court of Justice took a major interpretive step beyond the lower-court ruling this week, however. It found that sweeping German legislation passed in the wake of World War II that banned the Nazi party and any glorification of it -- including denial of the Holocaust -- can be applied to Internet content that originates outside of the country's borders.
I don't think it's illegal to mention Nazis or whatever at all. As long as you're careful to portray them as a bunch of homicidal, hypocritical, money-grabbing, selfish, arrogant, murderous, psychotic, slimy, worthless, egotistical, untrustworthy, corrupt, depraved shitballs, you're fine, and that's easy to do because they were members of a political party.



Also: the fart joke has been used before: http://eddirt.frozenreality.co.uk/index.php?id=446
 

AlphaEcho

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Jun 16, 2010
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"Cause I heard if you even mention Nazi the government will come to your house and burn it down."
 

Judgement101

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Mar 29, 2010
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AlphaEcho said:
"Cause I heard if you even mention Nazi the government will come to your house and burn it down."
I congradulate you on the courage to post in a thread that was last commented in during 2009
 

AlphaEcho

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Jun 16, 2010
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Judgement101 said:
AlphaEcho said:
"Cause I heard if you even mention Nazi the government will come to your house and burn it down."
I congradulate you on the courage to post in a thread that was last commented in during 2009
*Looks at post*

Woops sorry.
 

Dvvade

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Mar 3, 2012
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I actually bought this game after this review. So, its a stealth game, it would be nice to make sneak lock. Holding sneak for two hours with breaks for "load from last checkpoint" made my pinky finger felt off. But it was fun to play after all.
 

winter2

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Oct 10, 2009
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And let me add to the madness by resurrecting this thread again by letting you all know that right now you can get it on Steam for a mere $1.69. By Jove!