Eh, I mean if the game is designed to be a management simulator, I'm ok with it. Like the RTS's you mentioned, I just see myself as the leader/general or whatever.
Personally I like managing people, and trying to care for them. I do get satisfaction in helping people out, so a game that allows me to build up a sustainable society, and make people happy and content, yeah I dig that kind of vibe in games when I've got the mood. But I do know what you mean about being "in it." My only point is that I've found that, for whatever reason (perhaps the above mentioned helping people vibe), I've been way more invested, as a player, in romance storylines, when it's my crew, and not me. I'm not opposed to playing a relationship, and usually do. But it's more just sort of, I dunno, mandatory in a way? I feel obligated to do it. But with Goofy Comic Relief Ally, who I enjoy bringing into combat and helps me out, hell yeah I'm down for getting them a shag partner! So, having recently discovered this joy, I find myself at a loss for games that would actually provide that escape.
You talking about Dragon Age 2? 'Cause it sounds like DA 2. And yeah, that one was....poorly designed when it came to how the one openly gay character behaved. I just chalk that up to some poor writing and poor implementation of player choices. With that one, it often seemed to come down to "if he's nice to me, that equates to love points", so if you were, you know, just not being a dick to the guy, this also made him like you intimately. Which, honestly, as a straight guy, who has had gay guys do that very thing to me on multiple occasions, simply because I was being nice and friendly and accepting of them, it didn't feel really too out of place? If that makes sense. I've mentioned this before, but I've had a guy, who from MY side, I was just being friendly, chit chatting with, ask me, out of nowhere, while leaning in the passenger window of my car "would I be his boyfriend". And when I politely told him "Sorry man, I appreciate it, but I'm not gay." His response was "So? You don't have to be gay to put your dick in my mouth." This ACTUALLY happened to me. So, the accidental "play it gay" thing, I mean, I can see it, I've lived it. The issue I had with that, was when I, politely turned him down in that game, and I specifically chose the least mean response, he got REALLY vindictive and cold. THAT annoyed me more than me attracting a dude without really noticing it. As that shit happens all the time, from what I've heard from gay guys who discuss it on YT. The whole "Only 10% or so of the population shares your sexual orientation, so, ergo, 90% of the people you are attracted to, probably won't be into you." thing. But how Anders (his name was Anders right?) was suddenly like "Fuck it! Burn the world!" I was just like "ujmmmm....wut?"