An interesting difference between men and women

[shootthebandit]

I heard this the other day and it sounded so true. If you disagree and think its a sweeping generalisation then feel free to correct me

"When a man tells someone about a problem or an issue they do so in order to get a solution. When a women talks to someone about a problem or issue its to get sympathy. Communication between men and women can often break down when a women tells a man her problems he will automatically try to think of a solution rather than being sympathetic"

What to you guys think? I know its a bit of a generalisation but it really makes sense to me

Edit: The response has been great to this thread however for those who dont understand id like to point out that this is a generalisation, its a common trend and its certainly not 100% accurate although 60% of the time it works all the time. Men still vent and women still look for solutions. Im certainly not saying women are useless and men are insensitive its just an interesting insight into how people think and it just so happens theres a trend within genders relating to these ways of thinking

 

[manic_depressive13]

Argh, you got me. When I told my friend about the jammed button on my laptop's trackpad, I didn't actually want a solution. I wanted him to pat me on the back and say "Aw, poor you."

 

[JoJo]

Oh fuck off. I've seen plenty of guys play the pity party and yeah often when girl talk about an issue its also to get a solution. But hey continuing spouting your bullshit if you really need to reduce the world to a simple X or Y to understand it or need a group to shit on so you can feel better about yourself.

Hey, come on now, the OP was only asking a question and even admitted it might be a generalisation. There's no need to be rude if you disagree with him, posts like this make the forum a less pleasant place for everyone.

OT: It's not something I've particularly noticed, but then I'm not too observant about people's intentions anyway so I can't really say 100% either way.

 

[BreakfastMan]

Argh, you got me. When I told my friend about the jammed button on my laptop's trackpad, I didn't actually want a solution. I wanted him to pat me on the back and say "Aw, poor you."

Yep, and when I told my parents about the stress I have been feeling lately, it was for a solution not sympathy (hint: no it wasn't).

Anyway, no, based on my experience, this is pretty much untrue.

Capcha: no dice. Inglip has the right idea, I think.

 

[lacktheknack]

Oh fuck off. I've seen plenty of guys play the pity party and yeah often when girl talk about an issue it's also to get a solution. But hey continuing spouting your bullshit if you really need to reduce the world to a simple X or Y to understand it or need a group to shit on so you can feel better about yourself.

I wasn't aware that attributing two different attributes to different groups was taking a dump on them. If you think that "wanting sympathy" and/or "wanting a solution above all" is a negative trait, then that's YOUR issue, not OP's.

OT: Eh, I'd say it's true about 65% of the time, based on the people I've interacted with. It's enough to be noticeable, but not enough to be used as any kind of rule.

But oh my, communication breakdowns have happened to me because of it, often to hilarious results.

 

[DementedSheep]

Oh fuck off. I've seen plenty of guys play the pity party and yeah often when girl talk about an issue its also to get a solution. But hey continuing spouting your bullshit if you really need to reduce the world to a simple X or Y to understand it or need a group to shit on so you can feel better about yourself.

Hey, come on now, the OP was only asking a question and even admitted it might be a generalisation. There's no need to be rude if you disagree with him, posts like this make the forum a less pleasant place for everyone.

OT: It's not something I've particularly noticed, but then I'm not too observant about people's intentions anyway so I can't really say 100% either way.

No all he has done is put into the standard transparent form everyone uses when they want be racist, sexist, homophobic, whatever but know that it doesn't always get a positive reception and want to cover their ass. It the same as "I know not all of them are like this but man those Polynesians are lazy and stupid" (actual comment I hear about 3 days ago). As if saying it's a generalization makes it any less racist and wrong.

 

[Vegosiux]

All I know is that whenever I started proposing a solution to a problem my ex brought up she was annoyed that I skipped the "I feel for you" part. Damn me and my efficiency fixation.

If it's part of a larger trend, though, I do not know.

 

[tippy2k2]

Now obviously we are all individuals, it's going to be more true or less true or completely false based on whomever you are talking to.

With that said...

I've heard this before and I 100% agree and I'm only just now realizing it. Now I'm not in a relationship but I've talked with female co-workers plenty of times about a variety of issues (I'm feeling fat, my co-worker is a jerk, my Mom is pissing me off, etc.). When I start speaking and giving suggestions as to how to fix the situation (because why else would you want to talk about your problems if you don't want ways to fix the situation?), I have now become the insensitive jerk for telling you that you should stop eating cookies with lunch, talk to your co-worker about your problems, and maybe you're mom is onto something when she tells you that getting wasted every weekend is a waste of time

 

[DementedSheep]

Oh fuck off. I've seen plenty of guys play the pity party and yeah often when girl talk about an issue it's also to get a solution. But hey continuing spouting your bullshit if you really need to reduce the world to a simple X or Y to understand it or need a group to shit on so you can feel better about yourself.

I wasn't aware that attributing two different attributes to different groups was taking a dump on them. If you think that "wanting sympathy" and/or "wanting a solution above all" is a negative trait, then that's YOUR issue, not OP's.

OT: Eh, I'd say it's true about 65% of the time, based on the people I've interacted with. It's enough to be noticeable, but not enough to be used as any kind of rule.

But oh my, communication breakdowns have happened to me because of it, often to hilarious results.

Because wanting someone to moan at is lesser to actually wanting practical steps to fix the issue.

 

[Muspelheim]

Ech... Yes, that is certainly true, to some extent. But it's a generalisation, and it doesn't make either gender useless out of those situations. Generalisations do often have a grain of truth to them, but it's doing yourself a disservice to not consider that it still depends on the individual. Assumptions are something that must be handled rather carefully.

What it certainly doesn't mean is that women are inherently impractical, or men inherently tactless. Furthermore, neither of the generalisation traits are necessarily the "good" one or the "bad" one. It's individual and situational.

 

[Vegosiux]

Because wanting someone to moan at is lesser to actually wanting practical steps to fix the issue.

Nah, there's nothing wrong with needing some sympathy. Hell, even I sometimes pull such a stunt, while usually priding myself on how "I figure everything out in the end". To the point of thinking through the "solutions that will likely be proposed and why they're unlikely to work" prior to the conversation.

I try not to do it too often tho.

 

[MysticSlayer]

I heard this the other day and it sounded so true. If you disagree and think its a sweeping generalisation then feel free to correct me

"When a man tells someone about a problem or an issue they do so in order to get a solution. When a women talks to someone about a problem or issue its to get sympathy. Communication between men and women can often break down when a women tells a man her problems he will automatically try to think of a solution rather than being sympathetic"

What to you guys think? I know its a bit of a generalisation but it really makes sense to me

I've heard that before, but honestly, I've never gotten it. Maybe there are studies that show it is what is generally the case, but I know that, at least for me, if I'm telling someone a problem I have, I rarely am looking for a solution. I've likely already come up with the answer to my problem and am just trying to make it work, but talking about it and receiving sympathy definitely helps make me feel better as I'm dealing with it. So, maybe most men are like that, but that certainly doesn't hold true for all of them. Ultimately, you need to understand the person you are dealing with, rather than coming to a conclusion of how you should deal with them based on their gender.

No all he has done is put into the standard transparent form everyone uses when they want be racist, sexist, homophobic, whatever but know that it doesn't always get a positive reception and want to cover their ass. It the same as "I know not all of them are like this but man those Polynesians are lazy and stupid" (actual comment I hear about 3 days ago). As if saying it's a generalization makes it any less racist and wrong.

Recognizing factual differences is not the same as being racist, sexist, etc. Of course, the extent to which this is factual is debatable unless someone wants to pull up a study, and even then it is still a generalization that doesn't hold true in all situations. Regardless, recognizing a difference is hardly the same as being bigoted. It is only when we start using those differences to treat others differently (often in a worse way) that we start moving into bigoted territory.

Because wanting someone to moan at is lesser to actually wanting practical steps to fix the issue.

On the other hand, they may already have a solution or figure they can find it on their own, but they just want some help dealing with the problem on a more emotional level. As I mentioned above, that's generally what leads me to talk about a problem. Anyways, that sort of undermines the whole idea that complaining for sympathy is worse than complaining for answers, as the former case indicates that they don't need anyone else to solve their own problems, something those complaining for answers can't lay claim to.

Simply put, you're assuming way too much.

 

[Uhura]

(because why else would you want to talk about your problems if you don't want ways to fix the situation?)

People (both men and women) vent all the time. Being able to tell someone what has been bothering you is cathartic and makes you feel a bit better. Usually when people post here to say that they got the RROD or that their 600 hour Skyrim save got just destroyed, they don't bring it up to get tips on how to fix their X-Box or hard drive. They bring it up because they want to vent their frustrations.

OP: I disagree. Both men and women talk about their issues and problems all the time just to get things off their chest. Venting is not something just women do, which should be obvious if you read the forums here.

 

[Nickolai77]

Yeah I've heard it said before and I think there's some truth behind the statement judging from my own experiences. I think sometimes guys can misjudge when a woman is really looking for someone to vent their emotions to rather than practical problem solving advice. That's not to say though that guys don't ever look for sympathy when faced with a problem- because I certainly have on a number of occasions.

 

[tippy2k2]

(because why else would you want to talk about your problems if you don't want ways to fix the situation?)

People (both men and women) vent all the time. Being able to tell someone what has been bothering you is cathartic and makes you feel a bit better. Usually when people post here to say that they got the RROD or that their 600 hour Skyrim save got just destroyed, they don't bring it up to get tips how to fix their X-Box or hard drive. They bring it up because they want to vent their frustrations.

Oh I'm certainly aware of that. I'm just saying that, in the past, that's how I had always thought. Looking back on my conversations with that particular co-worker, I realize that she wasn't looking for someone to help her, she wanted an empathetic brick wall

 

[DementedSheep]

Because wanting someone to moan at is lesser to actually wanting practical steps to fix the issue.

Nah, there's nothing wrong with needing some sympathy. Hell, even I sometimes pull such a stunt, while usually priding myself on how "I figure everything out in the end". To the point of thinking through the "solutions that will likely be proposed and why they're unlikely to work" prior to the conversation.

I try not to do it too often tho.

Personally I think unless it's extreme people should deal with their emotional baggage on their own. If you not actually after a solution all you're doing is bringing someone else down.

 

[Bellvedere]

This sounds like chainmail, facebook quote bullshit. Human minds in general are geared towards problem solving. It's why we pay more attention to smear campaigns (a list of problems) than positive campaigns (list of solutions). It's natural whenever anyone hears a problem they try to come up with solutions. Whether the person presenting the problem actually wants a solution or sympathy is dependent on them personally and has nothing to do with gender.

Communication between people doesn't break down because of gender differences it breaks down because of people differences. You don't see everyone of the same gender just 'get' each other. Same sex couples, colleagues, friends, family, etc. can experiences just as many problems and drama as opposite sex equivalents.

 

[General Grind]

I think it's an observation that holds water in many situations, but obviously nothing that is all-encompassing. (And not a statement that deserves the kind of aggressive and abrasive response DementedSheep was jumping to)

However, I would argue that the first part of it is less true than the last part. Men might be more prone to share problems in hopes of finding a solution, but I believe they are just as likely to mix that together with a hope of gaining some sort of sympathy out of it. Women might want more acknowledgment than they want answers, but I would argue that the main divide is not in what each gender wants but in how we address the problems others share. Men are more likely to try to come up with solutions to the problems of others, while women are more likely to offer sympathy and compassion for the problems others share. This might be because men see everything as something to be fixed while women want to make a connection with the person they are talking to. It feels like to me that it is something that correlates to the fact that women are more in-touch with their feelings in general.

I am talking out of my ass and my own experiences and I am in no way saying this is something that clearly divides all men and all women. I am only acknowledging that the perceived observations seems to hit the mark in many situations I have found myself in.

This mostly applies to more esoteric problems though. Not so much for problems like "I can't open this jar of pickles" or "The TV is not working", but more-so to problems like "I have so much to do", "My friend has stopped hanging out with me" or "Lately I've been having a bad time".

 

[shootthebandit]

(because why else would you want to talk about your problems if you don't want ways to fix the situation?)

People (both men and women) vent all the time. Being able to tell someone what has been bothering you is cathartic and makes you feel a bit better. Usually when people post here to say that they got the RROD or that their 600 hour Skyrim save got just destroyed, they don't bring it up to get tips how to fix their X-Box or hard drive. They bring it up because they want to vent their frustrations.

Oh I'm certainly aware of that. I'm just saying that, in the past, that's how I had always thought. Looking back on my conversations with that particular co-worker, I realize that she wasn't looking for someone to help her, she wanted an empathetic brick wall

I see where your coming from. A hypothetical equivelant male co-worker would tell you that he was putting on a bit of weight and the other guys would probably say "you need to cut your carbs down to x amount", "you need to do exercise" etc. Whereas like you mentioned the female co-worker just wants someone to say "you look great"

Can I just get this straight (and ill edit OP if it wasnt clear enough already). This is a generalisation, its a common trend and its certainly not 100% accurate although 60% of the time it works all the time. Men still vent and women still look for solutions. Im certainly not saying women are useless and men are insensitive its just an interesting insight into how people think and it just so happens theres a trend within genders relating to these ways of thinking

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

I've seen these supposedly fixed roles reverse themselves so often that I don't even factor them into gender identity as much as I used to anymore. I've seen men striving for the approval and sympathetic pat of all their friends due to a situation that was actually within their control and I've seen women cut the crap and get right to the business of solving the issue.

I think as individuals we can take both approaches regardless of sex. It just depends on the situation and the personalities involved and that starts introducing too many variables to even consider. It is hard to shake the image of the vulnerable woman but I've seen and known enough strong independent girls to break that illusion. I myself know how fragile I actually am as opposed to the facade I wear for the sake of others. We all have breaking points and we all have moments of strong, determined willpower driving us to jump over obstacles.