An interesting difference between men and women

[Gorrath]

What we need is a series of scientific studies with good sample sizes that include multiple cultures that range from similar to quite different. However, the most you could even get with a well done study are trends, which are largely meaningless when dealing with individuals.

Even if they did find a casual link between gender and likely hood of seeking sympathy/seeking solutions, attempting to use this information to make judgement about individuals would be foolish and possibly offend the person you are engaging with. I tend to talk to my wife like crazy about all sorts of things and often seek sympathy from her when I've had a crap day. On the other hand if she has a problem she often just wants it fixed.

Neither of us seek sympathy or solutions all of the time and so it becomes a rather mixed bag. I also tend to blather endlessly where she tends to be far less communicative. I believe this is because of major differences in the way her and I were raised. Thus we also have the issue of nature vs. nurture that needs to be addressed.

While I could understand someone wanting more information about these behaviors for curiosities sake, anyone trying to use the information to judge the intent of individuals without knowing them would be a terrible idea.

 

[joest01]

I would turn it around. In a sense. I think most people are looking for sympathy. Most of the time. When presenting a problem to someone. It is in the response that people differ. Some people will listen and and relate to the problem first and some will jump to not just a solution, but the dreaded advice. And overall I would credit women to be more fine tuned and thoughtful in their reaction.

Statistically speaking

 

[Brainpaint]

It depends on the problem and the people you're dealing with. Despite only complaining when I need help or leniency ("Stop walking so fast. I hurt my foot yesterday!"), I often have to put a plea for sympathy in between otherwise nobody will take me seriously. It's especially hard when I don't have the breath or energy to complain and in those situations I only get people thinking "Maybe we should help her?" when things actually get worse and they notice it.

Two weeks ago I was suffering from chest pains (I still have them now but nowhere near that bad). A helpline told me I needed to go to A&E TWICE and tried to send paramedics to our house. I thought "Shit, this could be really bad!". Especially when I started getting worse from not being able to take in enough air with the pain. Despite struggling to have enough breath to speak I had to beg my parents to take me to the hospital. They eventually caved in after I'd been crying for an hour but still wouldn't take me until after my dad dropped my sister off at work.
Two hours after the call spending time sitting by the door since my dad figured that was all that was wrong with me ("You need more fresh air! Here, sit in the spot where your sister just smoked. That'll fix you up!") and watching my sister primping herself, applying makeup and putting on her extensions while spraying hairspray and straightening spray everywhere, I was finally on my way in.

Turned out I had pleurisy (without fluid so I didn't need a drain and just needed to wait it out) after a bout of pneumonia earlier that month and was given painkillers. But the doctors told me that I didn't waste their time by coming in since it could've easily been something more serious like a pulmonary embolism or a severe asthma attack. Scary considering if it had been one of those other things my parents and sister would've been laughing and joking about me DYING.

I seriously need to get my own place. All the pleading sympathy bull I have to do is frustrating and dangerous!

The OP said it was just a generalisation and I understand that, but not everybody is that aware and uses it as a fact. That could severely endanger people's lives if, simply because they're female or a "drama queen" or an "attention whore" or a "hypochondriac", their pleas for help only get an "I know how you feel." or "Stop being an attention seeker!" as a response. I know I had that a lot even with severe things that happened to me. Like the lifetime of iron, B12, Vitamin D, folic acid and an underactive thyroid I had been complaining about the symptoms of since I was old enough to string the sentences together. But since I talked about them so much, I was branded as a hypochondriac for the rest of my life. And now it could get me killed because even though EVERYTHING was justified, the stigma is still there.

So yeah. Sometimes you need to appeal for both help and sympathy in order to get something done.

 

[Riot3000]

I see where you are getting at I have seen on the internet from my observation. A guy starts to vent or"whine" as some people put he gets more of the man up vs empathy response. When I have seen a women vent or "whine" she gets more empathy vs solution responses.

Its a stereotype since both sexes obviously do this but people probably unconsciously respond differently depending on the sex of the person venting.

I think the issue is that many are too quick to jump on the solution and give "advice" then make judgments on said person for their vent or getting something off their chest. I many times the poster knows what to do but wants to get something off their chest because it is lethargic at times.

So I think it is a combination of stereotypes, generalizations, personalities and other jumbled nonsense.

 

[Conner42]

I remember making a passing mention of a couple of things I don't quite fondly remember back in Middle School, and the person I was talking to replied with "Aw...poor Sean..."

Not that I was looking for a solution or even sympathy, but...she kind of pissed me off when she said that though.

I remember when I was hearing about the problems a friend of mine was going through, I was trying to make helpful comments(tried to bring in more understanding of what was going on) and she just said that she wasn't really looking for help or anymore comments, she just wanted somebody to hear the problems out.

It kind of doesn't make sense to me. Pretty much the only times I'll ever bring up anything in a conversation is when I'm looking for someone else's input.

I don't exactly talk to a lot of people about problems anyway. So, I'm not exactly that experienced with these generalizations, but I guess I do get kind of mad when the only thing someone has to say is "Aw...that's too bad...here, have a cookie!" except, they usually don't have a cookie D:<

 

[VanQ]

Don't like to generalize. I've met both men and women that fall into both categories. I did have a girl recently talking to me about a problem of hers for several months and from what information she gave me, I felt that the solution was rather obvious. But seeing as she was an intelligent type, I kinda just sympathized with her and didn't offer the solution. Given some time she came to the same conclusion herself and sorted it out then came to me to tell me how it had all been sorted out and she even thanked me for not "telling her what she should do" like apparently so many others had done.

It seems she likes and trusts me a bit more for having simply lent her a shoulder and showed that I cared while she figured things out for herself. Interesting experience but hardly a case study or representation of an entire group of people.

 

[Something Amyss]

Hey, come on now, the OP was only asking a question and even admitted it might be a generalisation.

And then said "but it makes sense to me."

The response was extra hostile, but the point remains this was not just asking a question. It was asking a question in the same way conspiracy theorists "just ask questions."

It reads as a normal "wimmin mi rite" sort of mindset.

More to the point, it's basically the mindset that men are problem solvers and women are problems to be solved. And that makes sense to him. That doesn't toss up a flag or two in your mind?

Or, but glibly put:

Guys you don't get it! Those womin are like little creatures that you have to look after. Like fucking tamagotchi. Only a fool would believe they are humans who lack a Y chromosome.

I really don't know. Something tells me that the OP might be somewhat true, but that could be my cognitive biases going off, of course.

I know I've whinged to get a bit of sympathy before, we all have. Would I have done it more often if I lacked a penis? Difficult to tell.

There, of course, have also been studies that show that women talk more than men:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2281891/Women-really-talk-men-13-000-words-day-precise.html

No idea of the accuracy of that either (loldailymail)*

Could be related, dunno.

*Edit: http://jezebel.com/5986026/the-whole-women-talk-more-than-men-thing-is-a-myth
Fuck it, I tried.

I think you just made the same mistake twice, TBH. You went from the Daily Fail to Jezebel. While I don't think the two are equivalent, I do think you're looking to news sources that will naturally filter findings. Jezebel is doing the same thing it's complaining about other sources doing, though maybe not as bad (because I'm only getting what they're complaining about through their own filter). The article's own link, for example, demonstrates exactly how someone might get the idea that "women talk more, here's why" from the study.

And indeed, Jezebel's talking about the study based on someone talking about the study. Indeed, Googling the study will give you a lot of reports with a lot of different spins.

Maybe looking at the science of it, rather than the reporting of it is the answer? I've got a couple PDFs downloading which will probably melt my brain due to the fact that they are not from a field in which I have any particular expertise. But already I've been looking at papers which demonstrate a lot of these studies actually seem to come from the notion that women talk more and explore whether or not there is a biological basis for it. So it's already sort of dodgy in my book. It's accepting a concept without any evidence they examined it first. So even this may not provide a clear answer, but I think it's probably better than looking at the Daily Fail trying to rationalise wimminz and Jezebel getting mad at soft reporting on soft journalism shows.

 

[Eggsnham]

My first reaction when seeing the thread title: "Genitals. The difference is genitals."

On a more serious note: I have to disagree with you, OP. I've met plenty of men who simply say or do things looking for sympathy as well as many women who would much rather find a solution than wallow in self pity.

I don't really think there's any correlation between gender and how willing you are to take hold of a situation.

 

[Phasmal]

I think the most interesting thing about men and women is the arbitrary lines we feel we have to draw to make them `different`.
If you just listen to stereotypes, you're gonna shoot yourself in the foot when it comes to actually interacting with people.
When someone who is talking to me basically goes `You must like [x] because you are female` in conversation... it just gets... awkward.

 

[Lobster9]

I have known plenty of men who fish for sympathy and become openly hostile at the suggestion of a solution. However I have known women to do it too. Sometimes people just don't want to be told that there is a fix for their problems, they just want to be told that their misery is justified.

 

[blackrave]

I was then fascinated by this, since I never noticed it before, and then tried to apply it to daily conversation, then was surprised to seem to get about 60/40 talk about feelings/just shut up and fix this ratio when talking to women. Well, teenagers/young adults. I don't entirely remember what I actually talked about with them, though. Or what they needed from the conversation. Or what archetypal group. Huh, maybe those should have been static variables. I just kind of said things to them.

Exactly my experience
I would say that for men proportion is reversed
So difference is so small you can't exactly rely on this stereotype.
But I noticed one thing though
If you make mistake and offer solution/advice instead of emphaty, men will accept it far better than women
Woman will stare at you as if you are moron who don't understand anything
(nod your head in solidarity and sigh if you have heard "Men just don't get it" phrase)

 

[Eclectic Dreck]

My personal experience is that females (in a non professional setting) rarely bring up problems with the hope of any sort of fix and indeed offering solutions generally results in. . . unpleasantness. This is especially true in cases where there exist obvious solutions to some problem but would require the complainer to acknowledge that they have done something incorrectly. By contrast, when I have similar discussions with males (which, in my own life, are relatively rare), it is usually an earnest attempt at discovering a solution to a problem.

I know that I personally will bring up complaints to foment discussion on possible solutions and the closest I generally come to it simply being an invitation for sympathy are instances where I believe I have a solution that I simply need to say out loud to someone before attempting.

While such anecdotal evidence is nearly worthless, I could say that my own (likely imperfect) recollection indicates that Women are far more likely to bring up a problem for the sake of sympathy alone than Men are. At least, the men and women who I associate with.

 

[Chemical Alia]

Oh yeah, I get random people on Steam who want to make money off making items for Dota 2 but have never opened 3ds Max before in their lives, messaging me for a solution to that problem. It usually consists of requesting me to explain years of learning and practice in a few short sentences, or doing all the work for them. They're usually guys.

Sorry to hear about all your annoying girlfriends, though. That must suck.

 

[Lieju]

In my experience both men and women usually want sympathy when sharing their issues with friends.

I've heard this before and I 100% agree and I'm only just now realizing it. Now I'm not in a relationship but I've talked with female co-workers plenty of times about a variety of issues (I'm feeling fat, my co-worker is a jerk, my Mom is pissing me off, etc.). When I start speaking and giving suggestions as to how to fix the situation (because why else would you want to talk about your problems if you don't want ways to fix the situation?), I have now become the insensitive jerk for telling you that you should stop eating cookies with lunch, talk to your co-worker about your problems, and maybe you're mom is onto something when she tells you that getting wasted every weekend is a waste of time

They presumably already know that, and being told things that are not helpful might be annoying. They might just want to vent. (I know plenty of guys who do that)
On the other hand, if they clearly came for you for advice, because they believed you had some expertise in it (like if you know a language they don't) then obviously you are expected to help them solve the issue, not just offer sympathy.

 

[Yuuki]

Seeking sympathy instead of solutions could be a minor off-shoot of women being generally more emotional creatures than men. It's not something that has become blatantly obvious to me, but it is definitely a more common trend among women.

Most women try to attach emotion to everything they do (or think about) and feel the impact of emotions more heavily. Some scientists think that this could be due to how the early pre-historic humans developed and socialized, women often tended to stay within the village/tribe and spent a large part their lives talking to each other, talking to children, socializing with each other, etc. Just theories obviously, before any feminist here loses their shit

Yes it's a generalization, of course there are women who are as cold-hearted and emotionally jaded as an asteroid.

E.g. whenever there is sad news about some little girl who goes missing for years, or a tragic natural disaster my partner gets a bit teary-eyed while I just glance at it and think "oh well, shit happens". Mind you, with the sheer media coverage these days and daily reports of how many people are dead/dying around the world (in increasingly crazy ways) I think she's getting over it

Emotional intelligence is one of the key traits that allowed humans to skyrocket ahead of all other species. Women on average have higher emotional ingelligence than men in whatever few tests have been conducted, they seem have a higher interest in grasping people's feelings.

 

[Decessa]

I generally have respect for the Escapist community, but I try to avoid these gender posts because they are generally a hotbed for natural law language, generalizations and false logic.
IF these generalizations hold true (at least in "westernized" countries because they certainly don't hold up globally), it has nothing to do with genetics or hormones, it is the way that our system is created (and continually recreated and reinforced as the system runs). Any first year sociology student could easily continue, bringing up the social construction of both masculine and feminine, and as such, men and women.
Stereotypes have no truth to them. They discount stigmatized groups real experiences in favor of some all-encompassing rule that holds up only to the slightest of scrutiny. They only make sense if you don't think about them.

 

[zhoominator]

I have known plenty of men who fish for sympathy and become openly hostile at the suggestion of a solution. However I have known women to do it too. Sometimes people just don't want to be told that there is a fix for their problems, they just want to be told that their misery is justified.

More than anything, its a situational thing. I don't think for me or many others, sympathy is the right word though. I recall being rejected about a year ago by someone I really liked and looked up to in a very mean-spirited way. When I was talking to a friend about it I wasn't looking for a solution nor sympathy from her, I just wanted somebody that could listen to me rant and who wouldn't think me less of a person for feeling how I did. Then afterwards, it's all out of my system and I can move on rather than internalising it, which is for some what can cause the self pity party to begin.

When, however, I was upset a few months ago because I was struggling to interpret the signals a young woman who I was interested in for months was giving and didn't know what to do, I was looking for my friend to understand and get advice on how I should go from there. It's not particularly fair to base it just on gender.

 

[cikame]

Women tend to stand directly in my way and drop absolutely everything to talk to their friend, who HAS to be there, about depressingly dull nonsense, whereas men notice i'm heading towards them ahead of time and stand aside accordingly.

As with original poster this is a generalisation, it just happens to me hundreds of times a day having worked in a public place for 5 years.