An interesting difference between men and women

lacktheknack

Je suis joined jewels.
Jan 19, 2009
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DementedSheep said:
lacktheknack said:
DementedSheep said:
Oh fuck off. I've seen plenty of guys play the pity party and yeah often when girl talk about an issue it's also to get a solution. But hey continuing spouting your bullshit if you really need to reduce the world to a simple X or Y to understand it or need a group to shit on so you can feel better about yourself.
I wasn't aware that attributing two different attributes to different groups was taking a dump on them. If you think that "wanting sympathy" and/or "wanting a solution above all" is a negative trait, then that's YOUR issue, not OP's.

OT: Eh, I'd say it's true about 65% of the time, based on the people I've interacted with. It's enough to be noticeable, but not enough to be used as any kind of rule.

But oh my, communication breakdowns have happened to me because of it, often to hilarious results.
Because wanting someone to moan at is lesser to actually wanting practical steps to fix the issue.
"Wanting someone to moan at" =/= "wanting sympathy for your problems", unless you live in a very practical world with little to no emotion involved.

Just because my girlfriend didn't actually want me to talk to/threaten/fight/whatever the girl she was having a fight with doesn't mean she was moaning about it. She just wanted to feel that someone was on her side.
 

shootthebandit

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DementedSheep said:
Vegosiux said:
DementedSheep said:
Because wanting someone to moan at is lesser to actually wanting practical steps to fix the issue.
Nah, there's nothing wrong with needing some sympathy. Hell, even I sometimes pull such a stunt, while usually priding myself on how "I figure everything out in the end". To the point of thinking through the "solutions that will likely be proposed and why they're unlikely to work" prior to the conversation.

I try not to do it too often tho.
Personally I think unless it's extreme people should deal with their emotional baggage on their own. If you not actually after a solution all you're doing is bringing someone else down.
On the contrary. Im a man and I fall into the catagory I described in the OP but I think that sharing your problems and someone comforting you or even being empathetic means that you know your not the only one whos been through the same problem. To be honest its something I wish I was more able to do

If youve ever been unfortunate enough to have seen the show big bang theory then youll notice they exaggerate these characteristics. The boys are all engineers/scientists and they always try to find a solution to everything whereas penny is an actress and is very emotional about things and usually she doesnt want an answer to her problems just someone to care about them. I know the show is based on really obvious stereotypes but its based on a grain of truth. How big is that grain? Well thats kinda what we are trying to establish here
 

Bellvedere

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shootthebandit said:
Can I just get this straight (and ill edit OP if it wasnt clear enough already). This is a generalisation, its a common trend and its certainly not 100% accurate although 60% of the time it works all the time. Men still vent and women still look for solutions. Im certainly not saying women are useless and men are insensitive its just an interesting insight into how people think and it just so happens theres a trend within genders relating to these ways of thinking
The interesting insight you're seeing is not how men and women think differently. What your seeing is people being more willing to believe something that reflects well on them, more specifically - male readers who would quite like to think of themselves as particularly practical and solution driven because that's perceived as positive trait.

Saying this is a (true) generalisation or common trend is total bullshit. Come back and feel better about yourselves when you have some actual evidence rather than just a bunch of blokes talking about the crazy women they know or how awesome they are at being sensible.
 

Wraith

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I like to think this is true in about 60% of cases. Though this whole thing could stop being a problem if the person complaining stated what they wanted out of the conversation first if they were the ones who brought up their troubles. It also wouldn't hurt if the listener asked what was needed of them after the complainer finished complaining. Personally, I try not to give advice unless asked or I'll go "Would you like me suggestion/advice/thoughts on this?"
 

Raikas

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I've heard this claim before, but only in the context of people in relationships - and within that framework and assuming a certain cultural background, I think there's probably a fair bit of truth to it - but I think that's mostly because people are raised to deal with that relationship stuff differently rather than any innate gender difference.

Outside of couple stuff, I think the practical vs. venting conversations have to do with personality types. I've known plenty of practical women and plenty of whiney guys, probably just as many as the more stereotyped ones, and I think both practical groups and both venting groups have other personality traits in common instead of gender (sense of humour and gender outlook and that kind of thing).
 

Moth_Monk

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Guys you don't get it! Those womin are like little creatures that you have to look after. Like fucking tamagotchi. Only a fool would believe they are humans who lack a Y chromosome.
 

Jamieson 90

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I find the best approach is to listen and be sympathetic at first, that way if the person is venting they won't become annoyed by you immediately trying to find a solution, and that if you listen they'll eventually tell you whether they want your help with finding a solution; it's not so simple to say that it's one or the other, sometimes people want to have a good moan before they start trying to fix it, while others just want the problem sorted right now.

As for whether girls and guys are different in this regard? In my experience (yes this is what I've encountered; it might not be true for everyone else), it seems guys are much more reluctant to express how they're feeling and that they don't want to be seen as weak, so they'll want to find a solution as quick as possible and then move onto another topic, while girls I find actually just want someone to listen to them and be sympathetic, again as I said I don't know how true this is for everyone else, that's just my experience.
 

Caiphus

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Mar 31, 2010
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I really don't know. Something tells me that the OP might be somewhat true, but that could be my cognitive biases going off, of course.

I know I've whinged to get a bit of sympathy before, we all have. Would I have done it more often if I lacked a penis? Difficult to tell.

There, of course, have also been studies that show that women talk more than men:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sciencetech/article-2281891/Women-really-talk-men-13-000-words-day-precise.html

No idea of the accuracy of that either (loldailymail)*

Could be related, dunno.

*Edit: http://jezebel.com/5986026/the-whole-women-talk-more-than-men-thing-is-a-myth
Fuck it, I tried.
 

JayElleBee

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Jul 9, 2010
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I'm a woman who prefers to discuss my problems without actively looking for a solution and I used to run into communication breakdowns all the time... with my ex-girlfriend. I don't know if this has anything to do with gender but I reckon it could possibly be skewed in a male-female pattern, I suppose. However, in my experience, it's been 50/50.

And I guess I sort of object to being called a whiner for wanting to talk about what's bothering me. When it comes to solving my problems, I'm pretty independent. People frequently give me suggestions that just aren't workable for me and so I much prefer to figure things out on my own. That said, I do like to talk about what is bothering me because it helps me sort through my thoughts and work out the best solution for myself.

As much as I appreciate your efforts to help, your suggestions are just going to get in my way. Unless I ask for them, don't give them.
 

Wraith

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Oct 11, 2011
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Hawkeye21 said:
Man, I understand the point of the video, but literally all of her problems would have been fixed if she took that nail out. Is it really fair to complain about something that has an easy, straight-forward solution, and get upset when someone points out that the problem is easily treatable and could end the previous person's suffering? I mean, I would understand if it was a situation that had no clear cut solution, but, man, that example is just too annoying.

It's the equivalent of me going up to my GF and telling her 'I have just been having this scratchy feeling in my throat. My lips are dry, I get dizzy in the heat and sweat all the time. I have just been really feeling like I need something cool and refreshing in my mouth. Some type of easy to swallow liquid.' then when she says it sounds like I'm thirsty, I get pissy because she wasn't just sitting there quietly.

Like I said I get the point of the video: sometimes people just want comfort. But being in situations where a person comes to complain to me about their life and their problem can easily be handled, but they get upset at me for trying to help and the problem persists, causing them to come complain to me again for the same shit gets irritating after a while. And it's a little more irritating to sit their, and listen to them ***** over and over and over and over about the same thing, when I know that the resolution to their conflict. It kind of makes me feel like a sympathy leech.

"Oh, I feel bad, better suck on Wraith's sympathy until I feel better. I'll be back for another hit tomorrow."

Sorry for that Hawkeye, but wooh, I needed to vent there. Thanks for listening. *hugs*
 

Full

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Sep 3, 2012
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Learned about something like this in Psychology class in 10th grade, but the example we got was:

Wife: Why don't we ever just talk to each other?
Husband: What? We are talking.


Women supposedly generally see a typical conversation as a transfer of feelings in an almost telepathic way (closest I could describe it), whereas men supposedly generally see it as a constructed set of rules to accomplish a goal (end goal: conversation/argument complete.)

I was then fascinated by this, since I never noticed it before, and then tried to apply it to daily conversation, then was surprised to seem to get about 60/40 talk about feelings/just shut up and fix this ratio when talking to women. Well, teenagers/young adults. I don't entirely remember what I actually talked about with them, though. Or what they needed from the conversation. Or what archetypal group. Huh, maybe those should have been static variables. I just kind of said things to them.

Come to think of it I don't think I talked exclusively to women either...

Whatever, despite all this, it's an old stereotype, and one that I don't think holds any practical appliances anymore. Like most stereotypes, really.

...

Man shit is weird with us tho
 

trollnystan

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Dec 27, 2010
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I think it varies from person to person. Like, when I complain about something I mostly want sympathy (I am female), however my sister-in-law wants answers and advice. Why I don't know, as she never listens to me when I give them, but that's what she asks for anyway. My brother (her common-law husband) is more like me I think, but he can go both ways.

My (female) friend also wants both but leans heavily on the sympathy side, whereas her husband usually just wants sympathy.

Maybe OVERALL women are more like this and men are more like that, but I couldn't say if that's built-in - so to speak - or simply because of the way our society brings us up. I'm leaning more towards the latter.
 

wulfy42

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I've lived a fairly long life, had many friends of both sexes, dated for many years before getting married over 13 years ago and I have seen people of both genders want to "vent" or communicate a problem, only to either get it off their chest, or get sympathy/emotional support.

That being said, of all the people I have seen do this, only women have ever complained about me offering solutions to their problems and explained they just wanted sympathy...or to be heard etc. Some of them said it was cultural (An austrian friend of mine said that Austrians like to complain and when asked how they are doing...they like to list all the things wrong in their life...lol), some said it was based on gender (when a woman says she has a problem, she doesn't mean she wants a solution, just that she wants someone to listen and give emotional support etc). In every case though, the person saying such things was female.

Perhaps there were guys that felt that way, they just didn't verbalize it. I've certainly had male friends who complained about things without wanted a solution. It's quite likely guys don't want the person they are talking with to try and solve their problems as well....but they just don't want to say that lol.

I guess, on the whole though, my male friends have usually brought up emotional stuff far less then my female friends. I think, for the most part, we find other ways of dealing with stuff (sports, video games, getting in an argument with someone...and many other ways both healthy and unhealthy). I think, in general again, that often women use communication (verbal that is) more then men, which could often be a better solution then what men come up with.

Then again, I've had many friends go on about girls they are dating, family issues, problems with their job etc...so it's not like guys don't complain or communicate problems verbally as well.

In the end, I think the idea that men want solutions and women want emotional support is incorrect....and that, like most things, it is based more on the personality involved, then just on the gender. Women may tend to have certain personality traits that make it more likely for them to communicate in that way, but it is not their gender specifically that causes that. Instead, I think it has to do with the feeling you can express your emotions freely and not be thought less of, and masculine/feminine stereotypes (IE, men should buck up and be a man...and not complain about stuff, show emotions or feelings etc).

I must admit, I have always struggled with people telling me problems they have, and not wanting solutions. I get the concept, but I just plain WANT to solve things if I can. I have, over many years of marriage, eventually realized that it is not always best solution to a problem, to try and solve the problem.
 

RaNDM G

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shootthebandit said:
"When a man tells someone about a problem or an issue they do so in order to get a solution. When a women talks to someone about a problem or issue its to get sympathy. Communication between men and women can often break down when a women tells a man her problems he will automatically try to think of a solution rather than being sympathetic"
I can think of a dozen guys who would go for the sympathy play. That's not gender specific.

As far as how men and women value conversation though, as far as statistics go, men are more straight-forward talkers while women are more invested in conversation. Again, that's not gender specific. I'm sure after fifty years those numbers will swing in the opposite direction. Hard to say really.
 

likalaruku

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I'm a pretty lazy, unemotional b**h. If I tell someone about a problem, it's usually in hopes that they will fix it for me, or at least tell me how to fix it. I have little to no tolerance for emotional baggage.
 

Auron225

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Oct 26, 2009
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Disclaimer: Like the OP I know the idea in question is a generalization not a rule to be carved into stone and does not apply to every human since the beginning of time and forevermore. Amen.

Now, with that out of the way;

Yeah I can definitely see where this comes from. At least with my family in particular - my sisters and mum tend to vent without as much interest in a solution to their problems. My dad, my brother and I on the other hand would rather just figure out how to solve a problem. Most of my friends would be similar.
 

Hawkeye21

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Oct 25, 2011
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Wraith said:
Sorry for that Hawkeye, but wooh, I needed to vent there. Thanks for listening. *hugs*
Hey, no problem, man. That's what real man do for each other, although it usually involves beer too.

Actually, come to think of it, men do talk about their feelings with each other, but only when there are sufficient amounts of alchohol involved. Women just don't get it.

CAPCHA: I'm yours (no homo)