One of my players made a Door-Bane Katana because he hated doors.Gamblerjoe said:
He used sense motive on doors and felt that doors were always Chaotic Evil. Very funny stuff
Anyone got any funny D&D stories?
- Thread starter LarenzoAOG
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He used sense motive on doors and felt that doors were always Chaotic Evil. Very funny stuff
hahahahaha awesome. I played in a game with a guy who was a half-orc frenzied berserker. Needless to say his int was very low. whenever I wanted a door to go away I would point at it and say "Hey! That door just said you look like a jerk!" He would rage out and smash it down with his forehead.CM156 said:
...
Sometimes I wish I was covertly recording my DnD sessions. We get some real jewels sometimes. Most of it is only funny to us though.
The best one anyone has come up with so far is "Owlbear's Wisdurance."
One time my friend was playing a beater cleric and clearly was not used to playing clerics. He's sharp as a tack when it comes to DMing, but ill never forget this one battle. The daggerspell mage teleports up to the boss to hit him with something and teleport away. The cleric hitched a ride on his port, and stayed when the mage ported back to the party. The boss turns and crams him for a pile of damage. He proceeds to attack the boss again, then look at his HP and say "Oh shit! I need someone to heal me!"
One time I was playing DDO and we came upon a nasty blade trap. We didnt have a rogue in the party so we were going to have to run though it. Then one of the players sais "Hold up guys, let me hit it with this ring of slow trap."
Another funny line I heard from a DDO player was "Web doesn't work on spiders you silly shit!" Which was obviously after someone cast web on a monstrous spider.
Back to PnP, I was DMing and the party was in an ancient quori forge, which was run by mind flayers. As the party was walking down a hall, an invisible mind flayer sorcerer sneaks up on them and casts detect thoughts. The mind flayer had a 16 int, and the party wizard had a 26 int. According to the description of the spell, the mind flayer was stunned for 1 round due to the wizards overwhelming intellect. The party heard the sound of his psy-crystal hitting the ground. The ranger who specialized in killing aberrations (it was a focal point of the game) cast see invisibility on himself (legacy weapon) and proceeded to end the things life.
There was a Knights of the Dinner Table comic where they attacked a gazebo.chris11246 said:
http://www.kenzerco.com/Operiodicals/kodt/kodt%20webstrips/phpslideshow.php?directory=.¤tPic=4
Also I'm pretty sure I've read the same joke in another comic. I can't remember it's name, I just remember it ending with the DM thinking how glad he was that he didn't say the gazebo was on a grassy knoll.
There was an instance where I, along with my mates, were tasked to ambush a convoy guarded by orcs. The city we'd gotten our quest from had pretty much wanted the whole group removed on the basis of "They might be caravan bandits" so the five of us hid in a defile and waited for their approach. The party tank held the middle of the line, healer flanking him, my sorcerer furthest from the lot, and our ranger and druid hiding in sort of a perpendicular to the cleric and myself. The orcs came around the corner with two wagons, so we sprung the trap when the first one came into range.
It was your usual spread of actions to start. Ranger goes for the precise shot, druid entangles, etc., while I lined up a fireball. Got three orcs in the blast! Also got the corner of one of the wagons, so the DM ruled that the wagon and its contents there took the fire as well. A bit of annoyance from the rest of the group, but really, given the number of games we'd played, each of us had at least one instance where 'oops' involved collateral damage and fire. It was just my turn that time around for it. Not a big deal right? It wasn't.
Until the wagon exploded.
We stared for a little. Ranger and I both invoked the group's "WTF" clause, where the GM has to honestly explain a result based on the rules if it doesn't follow logically (also known as the anti-ass-pull clause, invented by the DM himself in a previous campaign). Our 3.5e DM, James, just smiles at us both and slips us a sticky note labeled 'orc manifest.' 3rd on the list? A cannon and -ten- barrels of gunpowder, which equaled 30d6 fire and 30d6 slash/pierce (shrapnel) damage in 15 feet. To paraphrase the rulings immediately after:
James (DM): Okay, fortitude saves for the ranger and the sorcerer!
Mark (ranger) and myself: What? Why?
James: Deafening explosion. The others weren't facing directly at it right that moment.
*both of us fail*
James: Okay, not only are both of you deafened, but the air now tastes vaguely of iron, burnt wood, and moldy hamburger.
Mark: That's nasty.
James: Also, you step in something that looks like a sausage. It's not a sausage.
No one wanted to ask at that point and the three of us who weren't half deaf cleaned up the remaining orcs. Our two GMs tended to be rather sick individuals, James moreso than Michael (who GMed a FASA D6 game, but that's another story entirely).
It was your usual spread of actions to start. Ranger goes for the precise shot, druid entangles, etc., while I lined up a fireball. Got three orcs in the blast! Also got the corner of one of the wagons, so the DM ruled that the wagon and its contents there took the fire as well. A bit of annoyance from the rest of the group, but really, given the number of games we'd played, each of us had at least one instance where 'oops' involved collateral damage and fire. It was just my turn that time around for it. Not a big deal right? It wasn't.
Until the wagon exploded.
We stared for a little. Ranger and I both invoked the group's "WTF" clause, where the GM has to honestly explain a result based on the rules if it doesn't follow logically (also known as the anti-ass-pull clause, invented by the DM himself in a previous campaign). Our 3.5e DM, James, just smiles at us both and slips us a sticky note labeled 'orc manifest.' 3rd on the list? A cannon and -ten- barrels of gunpowder, which equaled 30d6 fire and 30d6 slash/pierce (shrapnel) damage in 15 feet. To paraphrase the rulings immediately after:
James (DM): Okay, fortitude saves for the ranger and the sorcerer!
Mark (ranger) and myself: What? Why?
James: Deafening explosion. The others weren't facing directly at it right that moment.
*both of us fail*
James: Okay, not only are both of you deafened, but the air now tastes vaguely of iron, burnt wood, and moldy hamburger.
Mark: That's nasty.
James: Also, you step in something that looks like a sausage. It's not a sausage.
No one wanted to ask at that point and the three of us who weren't half deaf cleaned up the remaining orcs. Our two GMs tended to be rather sick individuals, James moreso than Michael (who GMed a FASA D6 game, but that's another story entirely).
I could tell you, but it would be so long and convoluted that you really couldn't get through it.
Long story short: We don't allow knives at our D&D games anymore.
Long story short: We don't allow knives at our D&D games anymore.
Man those stories put mine to shame!
Well here we go.
It was my first time DMing and the characters were all about 3rd or 4th level. In the middle of the night the not so secretly half orc chaotic evil fighter "Cletus" and his bestfriend/sidekick the rougue "Wulluh" decide that they've had enough of the current party's leader one dragonborn sorcerer "Gorak goblin slayer" style of non debauchery.
They were all sleeping in the center of an elaborately designed sewer, when Cletus and Wulluh woke up and attempted to kill Gorak in his sleep, Gorak managed to wake up, fend them off long enough to send the groups cleric elf "Rainbow sunshine" to go find the guards (Gorak was an emisarry of the grand vicount of desert city, who happened to be an ancient golden dragon) while he held back the traitourus fiends they had just bunked with.
Gorak managed to put himself on a bridge between Cletus and Wulluh, and the route which led to Rainbow Sunshine who was making her way out of the sewers. In one last ditch attempt to keep them at bay he released a torrent of his dragons breath and was swiftly killed by Cletus when it did a measely 2 damage to the plate mail, clad fighter.
Seeing as the cleric had made her escape, the fighter and his rougue companion made their way deeper into the sewers, trying to find a way out they found a vertical shaft with a iron lid at the top, after a fight with the hobgoblins occupying the sewer Cletus through his grappeling hook and latched on to the lid, Wulluh began a roughly 20 foot ascent while Cletus was killed by an enraged straggler hobgoblin.
Seeing as there was no honor among thieves, Wulluh continued to climb until he reached the top where the sewer lid was, he had to make 2 dice rools, one to keep himself wedged with his legs in the narrow shaft and the other to lift the lid off. He managed to always fail the lid lifting DC and catch himself on the "not falling" DC, until he finally failed both and slid down the shaft, only just barely catching himself at the bottom, and managing to beat the Hobgoblins passive perception as he searched Cletus' body.
Wulluh climbed once again, and just as he finally managed to lift the lid at the top and begin to climb out, he failed his 2nd DC and fell to his death, killing the hobgoblin bellow......................
Well here we go.
It was my first time DMing and the characters were all about 3rd or 4th level. In the middle of the night the not so secretly half orc chaotic evil fighter "Cletus" and his bestfriend/sidekick the rougue "Wulluh" decide that they've had enough of the current party's leader one dragonborn sorcerer "Gorak goblin slayer" style of non debauchery.
They were all sleeping in the center of an elaborately designed sewer, when Cletus and Wulluh woke up and attempted to kill Gorak in his sleep, Gorak managed to wake up, fend them off long enough to send the groups cleric elf "Rainbow sunshine" to go find the guards (Gorak was an emisarry of the grand vicount of desert city, who happened to be an ancient golden dragon) while he held back the traitourus fiends they had just bunked with.
Gorak managed to put himself on a bridge between Cletus and Wulluh, and the route which led to Rainbow Sunshine who was making her way out of the sewers. In one last ditch attempt to keep them at bay he released a torrent of his dragons breath and was swiftly killed by Cletus when it did a measely 2 damage to the plate mail, clad fighter.
Seeing as the cleric had made her escape, the fighter and his rougue companion made their way deeper into the sewers, trying to find a way out they found a vertical shaft with a iron lid at the top, after a fight with the hobgoblins occupying the sewer Cletus through his grappeling hook and latched on to the lid, Wulluh began a roughly 20 foot ascent while Cletus was killed by an enraged straggler hobgoblin.
Seeing as there was no honor among thieves, Wulluh continued to climb until he reached the top where the sewer lid was, he had to make 2 dice rools, one to keep himself wedged with his legs in the narrow shaft and the other to lift the lid off. He managed to always fail the lid lifting DC and catch himself on the "not falling" DC, until he finally failed both and slid down the shaft, only just barely catching himself at the bottom, and managing to beat the Hobgoblins passive perception as he searched Cletus' body.
Wulluh climbed once again, and just as he finally managed to lift the lid at the top and begin to climb out, he failed his 2nd DC and fell to his death, killing the hobgoblin bellow......................
I've got a player who reads too many crappy books by crappy writers, playing a bog-standard Dwarven Axe-Fighter. (Note: We have a house rule that combines "Open Lock" and "Disable Device" into one skill so as not to gimp rogues beyond level like...4. The logic being that a lock is a device, and a disabled lock is open).
Rogue: Ah, crap. Rolled a 1 on my disable device check
DM (me): /rolls. "Ouch. Take the MW tools off your sheet."
Rogue: /scratches them off. "You suck."
Fighter: "I'm going to try to break the door down."
DM: With your axe?
Fighter: Screw that. With my fists. I yell my battle cry and hit the door.
DM: Roll it.
Fighter: /rolls. "Uh... I don't think a 2 is going to make it."
DM: Not quite.
Fighter: I'll do it again. I didn't yell loud enough.
(Repeat four times, with the last time being a head-butt instead of a punch).
DM: Roll fortitude to see if you knocked your dumb ass out. (he passes)
Fighter: I'm going to do it again.
DM: As you're lining up your charge, the rogue taps you on the shoulder and points out that all the noise you've been making has brought two patrols of goblins. The party is flanked.
All: (to me) "You suck!"
Rogue: Ah, crap. Rolled a 1 on my disable device check
DM (me): /rolls. "Ouch. Take the MW tools off your sheet."
Rogue: /scratches them off. "You suck."
Fighter: "I'm going to try to break the door down."
DM: With your axe?
Fighter: Screw that. With my fists. I yell my battle cry and hit the door.
DM: Roll it.
Fighter: /rolls. "Uh... I don't think a 2 is going to make it."
DM: Not quite.
Fighter: I'll do it again. I didn't yell loud enough.
(Repeat four times, with the last time being a head-butt instead of a punch).
DM: Roll fortitude to see if you knocked your dumb ass out. (he passes)
Fighter: I'm going to do it again.
DM: As you're lining up your charge, the rogue taps you on the shoulder and points out that all the noise you've been making has brought two patrols of goblins. The party is flanked.
All: (to me) "You suck!"
Cleric: "You killed an old man for his boat!?"
Barbarian: "It was Barbarian assisted suicide! and we couldn't afford a boat."
Barbarian: "It was Barbarian assisted suicide! and we couldn't afford a boat."
One time my old group and I were fighting a half-elf named John the Baptist. John the Baptist was standing at the top of a flight of stairs using a magic missile wand against us. I did a called shot for the head, hit, and John the Baptist hit each stair on the way down for a combined total of 367 damage.
Why and how? Because every single stair was booby trapped.
Why and how? Because every single stair was booby trapped.
These situations are always covered by rolls in our party, they happen too often.Naeras said:
I started rolling human fighters with feats that increased by saves and defences as much as possible. Monks who were really good at grappling were also decent in these scenarios.
Well the first time i played D&D i was a druid, and my party was in town trying to find information, and well long story short ended up ***** slapping a high level arch-mage at level 1.
also my animal companion was pretty much useless, always trying to bite rock creatures. and our rogue, every, and i mean EVERY trap that would go off ALWAYS went straight at him, no matter where he was.
also my animal companion was pretty much useless, always trying to bite rock creatures. and our rogue, every, and i mean EVERY trap that would go off ALWAYS went straight at him, no matter where he was.
Lol, that reminds me of a game I ran once.Naeras said:
Me(DM): The floor of the next room is filled with water. The water is so still, it's like a mirror.
Brandon(wizard): So how deep is the water?
Me: As I said, it's extremely reflective and still, so you can't tell.
Brandon: I push Noah in.
Noah(rogue): WTF man!
Me: Roll.
Brandon: *roll* 19.
Me: You push Noah in, make a fortitude save.
Noah: This is fucking bullshit!
Me: Just roll.
Noah: *roll* Natural 20!
Me: You successfully hold your breath and avoid drowning in the inch of water.
Noah: I fucking hate all of you...
Also I've run a couple of "any alignment" campaigns, so naturally the first thing that happens is one player wants to make an assassin. For fun, I like to make my assassins' guild masters to be eccentric and never give a straight answer to any question. Twice my players have gotten so aggravated while trying to proposition the guild masters into giving them membership that they attacked and crit them in the neck with a dagger, impressing them so much that they instantly grant them membership. To discourage further assassins in my games, I have made it a house rule that the ONLY way to join the assassins' guild is to critically stab the guild master in the neck. My players are surprisingly okay with this.
Im not sure I take your meaning, sir. I for one had sex before I ever played DnD. Everyone I play DnD with has a family and a career, are students in a serious relationship with very attractive women, or at very least play the field with a decent amount of success. But I digress...similar.squirrel said:
...
So heres another funny story my buddy reminded me of. This is probably the best one I have.
Im DMing and the party makes it to the boss fight: a mind flayer sorcerer. He casts deep slumber on the party and the wizard falls asleep. My friend who was playing the wizard, who tends to fall asleep in random places like a cat, puts his head down and nods off. The battle rages on, and it turns out to be a prolonged battle, with an invisible flying spell caster with tons of magic defenses. Eventually the sleep spell wears off. On his turn, without being roused at all, he lifts his head, rubs his eyes, and is informed that his character just woke up as well.
one time, my friend decided to make an all orc character, who didn't have any armor but a loincloth. The reason was because he had replaced his arms with triple headed flails. He had a 4 intelligence and a 22 strength at level 1. The kicker was when he decided to jump into a river to save a drowning guardsmen, but since he had no arms he drowned. Meanwhile me and my party were fighting a drake rider and all got our faces eaten off. It was not my best dnd experience. But it was hysterical
I don't have any funny ones, but I do have one that a friend told me about:
The party were going to attack a camp of enemies (Can't remember what they were exactly). Just before everyone goes rushing in, my friend (A wizard) decides that he will instead light his horse on fire, and aim it at the enemy camp. The horse lit up all the tents in the camp and killed half the enemies.
The party were going to attack a camp of enemies (Can't remember what they were exactly). Just before everyone goes rushing in, my friend (A wizard) decides that he will instead light his horse on fire, and aim it at the enemy camp. The horse lit up all the tents in the camp and killed half the enemies.
well i can till you the story of how my dnd group got its name.
Me(a wizard), a barb, a cleric and a rouge walks into a crypt underground a house, we walk carefully through a small hall and after some halarius traps and natrual 1's on healing (more like pushing is into the spikes...) we push forward. We then se a strange zombie/mutant "thing" walking towards us with a chain and ball on its foot and we get ready for battle, one second later 3 paper thing saw blades swing out from the walls and cut the "thing" into a bloody mess. We smash the blades that are stuck in the "thing", The barb thinks the ball and chains looks cool and fun so he takes it along on his back. Later we find a great hall with 7 zombies rushing towards us. The barb get a bright idé, lets play bowling! he screams "HEY HO!" and rolls the ball with all his might, i, that stands infront of him, se this and thinks "hey, i have a shocking grasp ready" i make the spell, touch the ball and it slams though 5 of the zombies leaving a big mess and knocking down 2 of them in a big, ligthingy, bloody mess.
AND from that day, we where named "Electric Zombie Bowling" ^^
(im not sure if this is "correct" or "done properly" but our gm thought it was so badass that he allowed it)
Me(a wizard), a barb, a cleric and a rouge walks into a crypt underground a house, we walk carefully through a small hall and after some halarius traps and natrual 1's on healing (more like pushing is into the spikes...) we push forward. We then se a strange zombie/mutant "thing" walking towards us with a chain and ball on its foot and we get ready for battle, one second later 3 paper thing saw blades swing out from the walls and cut the "thing" into a bloody mess. We smash the blades that are stuck in the "thing", The barb thinks the ball and chains looks cool and fun so he takes it along on his back. Later we find a great hall with 7 zombies rushing towards us. The barb get a bright idé, lets play bowling! he screams "HEY HO!" and rolls the ball with all his might, i, that stands infront of him, se this and thinks "hey, i have a shocking grasp ready" i make the spell, touch the ball and it slams though 5 of the zombies leaving a big mess and knocking down 2 of them in a big, ligthingy, bloody mess.
AND from that day, we where named "Electric Zombie Bowling" ^^
(im not sure if this is "correct" or "done properly" but our gm thought it was so badass that he allowed it)
I have plenty of funny D&D stories, but I'm afraid they're much less funny when you aren't part of the D&D group. The thing I find about jokes regarding the game, is that it generates so many in-jokes simply through play, that to tell someone outside your group about that story loses much of the humor. Not because what happened isn't really funny, but because the context in which it is funny is so extensive.
I suppose I shouldn't just come in and not drop off any anecdotes, though. That would be rather obnoxious. Allow me to tell you the tale the Chryling tradition:
I've been running the same campaign for nearly 3 years, now. 3 of the original players still play with us, and three have come and gone and we are currently sitting steady with our party of 5 for about a year now. We play a module of 3.X created by me which is meant to allow characters to build their characters without many class restrictions, is meant to give a more freeform playstyle to magic and is meant to make it far, far more difficult to advance your characters. While the game started out with only Humans as a playable race, I've slowly introduced 4 more races. A year or so ago, when I introduced two of those races (one of them, a small forest-dwelling species called Chrylings) we also acquired a new player, who decided to be the first to play a character from that race. The player was with the party on and off for a few months, over the course of which the Chryling was established as a little bit touched in the head. The player who played that Chryling left our group, and in another tradition of my campaign, his character was brutally murdered the session after the player left. At the same time, one of our current group members joined the campaign, choosing to play a Chryling as well. Now this player is particularly good at playing very slimy, untrustworthy characters, and this was one in that tradition. Since then it has become a very regular occurrence for his characters to die horrible deaths. After every death, he resolves that this next Chryling will the one that survives. Shortly after, it will die. Now because of the precedent set by the first Chryling in the party, and the slimy way of playing Chryling's our current player has, the rest of the party has now decided (partially RP and partially out of forgetfulness) that their characters can no longer discern which Chryling they are currently traveling with, oft times calling them the wrong name, be it out of forgetfulness, or because their character actually believes that they are still traveling with the same slimeball, lying Chryling that died a couple characters ago. The characters have died so frequently that I've actually had to come up with a canonical reason why the fates kill any Chryling that joins the party.
Note: I do not kill these characters purposefully, it is almost always an act of pure terrible luck, or blind stupidity on the players' part that kills them.
I suppose I shouldn't just come in and not drop off any anecdotes, though. That would be rather obnoxious. Allow me to tell you the tale the Chryling tradition:
I've been running the same campaign for nearly 3 years, now. 3 of the original players still play with us, and three have come and gone and we are currently sitting steady with our party of 5 for about a year now. We play a module of 3.X created by me which is meant to allow characters to build their characters without many class restrictions, is meant to give a more freeform playstyle to magic and is meant to make it far, far more difficult to advance your characters. While the game started out with only Humans as a playable race, I've slowly introduced 4 more races. A year or so ago, when I introduced two of those races (one of them, a small forest-dwelling species called Chrylings) we also acquired a new player, who decided to be the first to play a character from that race. The player was with the party on and off for a few months, over the course of which the Chryling was established as a little bit touched in the head. The player who played that Chryling left our group, and in another tradition of my campaign, his character was brutally murdered the session after the player left. At the same time, one of our current group members joined the campaign, choosing to play a Chryling as well. Now this player is particularly good at playing very slimy, untrustworthy characters, and this was one in that tradition. Since then it has become a very regular occurrence for his characters to die horrible deaths. After every death, he resolves that this next Chryling will the one that survives. Shortly after, it will die. Now because of the precedent set by the first Chryling in the party, and the slimy way of playing Chryling's our current player has, the rest of the party has now decided (partially RP and partially out of forgetfulness) that their characters can no longer discern which Chryling they are currently traveling with, oft times calling them the wrong name, be it out of forgetfulness, or because their character actually believes that they are still traveling with the same slimeball, lying Chryling that died a couple characters ago. The characters have died so frequently that I've actually had to come up with a canonical reason why the fates kill any Chryling that joins the party.
Note: I do not kill these characters purposefully, it is almost always an act of pure terrible luck, or blind stupidity on the players' part that kills them.
There was the time that I "supposedly" asked a guard where the thieves guild was located.
Some background, I was young (junior high) and this was one of my first D&D games. I was playing a thief and I thought all thieves had a special way of knowing where the thieves guild in a town was located. The conversation went like this.
DM: What are you all doing in town?
Me: Where is the thieves guild?
DM: I don't know, why don't you ask that guard.
Me: (thinking that was a joke) Where is the thieves guild?
DM: The guard says "Right this way sir."
Me: But I didn't ask him.
DM: Yes you did.
The guards then arrest me until the party shows up and informs them that I am not a thief, just stupid. Then they let me go.
Some background, I was young (junior high) and this was one of my first D&D games. I was playing a thief and I thought all thieves had a special way of knowing where the thieves guild in a town was located. The conversation went like this.
DM: What are you all doing in town?
Me: Where is the thieves guild?
DM: I don't know, why don't you ask that guard.
Me: (thinking that was a joke) Where is the thieves guild?
DM: The guard says "Right this way sir."
Me: But I didn't ask him.
DM: Yes you did.
The guards then arrest me until the party shows up and informs them that I am not a thief, just stupid. Then they let me go.