Are you a "nice guy"?

[pppppppppppppppppp]

Hey guys, just asked a lady friend out today, and I got the whole "You a really nice guy, but..." speech about "not wanting to ruin our friendship" that inevitably ended with "...but I still want to stay friends." [small](Except she's going to avoid me like the plague from now on, so it's not like we're really going to stay friends)[/small] Story of my life...

[/useless whining]

Anyway, is anyone else here a "nice guy" in other people's eyes? By "nice guy" I mean someone who tries to be courteous and polite to everyone, but comes off as having no confidence or masculinity. Someone who has a lot of friends that are girls, but no girlfriend. Someone who when they like a girl, makes the mistake of becoming their close platonic friend because they're too timid to ask them out. Someone who lets other people walk all over them in an attempt to please everyone. Ect, ect...

[small](In some circles, this is also known as being a "huge, spineless pussy".)[/small]

I've been trying to get rid of the "nice guy" persona for some time now and be more confident and assertive, but I keep falling back into old habits. Does anyone else have this problem? And to the .01% of this site that are women, what exactly is bad or unattractive about "nice guys" anyway?

EDIT: Just for giggles, I found an xkcd comic [http://www.theonion.com/articles/but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends,11473/] about this issue. They both take opposite sides of the relationship a "nice guy" often gets into, the former being critical of the female and the latter being critical of the male. Both are extreme, and neither one is "right" but they're both funny and are interesting for this conversation.

DOUBLE EDIT: Just to clarify, I don't mean nice guy as in someone who's nice. I mean "nice guy" as in someone who fits the definition above. Please note the distinction and not make an idiot out of yourself.

 

[anthony87]

I used to be.

But then I realised that I didn't like forcing niceness for the sake of other people so now I'm as blunt as can be. That's not to say I'm not nice to my friends or anything like that. One day I just found that I tend to come off as more assertive and whatnot while being the sarcastic fucker that I always kept quiet in order to be polite.

 

[GestaltEsper]

Not by that definition. I have had a few girls say "You're nicer than I thought" to me but I can actually understand that.

 

[hazabaza1]

I hope not.
I'm usually a sarcastic bastard though, so I think I got that sorted.

 

[Not-here-anymore]

I was. Now I'm an asshole. It's not much fun. Trying to find a middle ground somewhere. (Yes, it is possible to realise that you've become a worse person. It's a horrible revelation)

Bored of seeing people offer 'the way to get a girlfriend' advice, so I won't. Doubtless someone else will say something in this thread anyway.

 

[Jonluw]

I guess I'm sort of a nice guy?...
Nah. I'm not courteous and stuff, I'm a silent shut-in and I'm not particularly nice to people, mostly just apathetic.

There have been girls who have taken an interest in me, but I've been too much of a stupid fuck / commitment anxiety ridden shut-in for it to actually go anywhere, and then the girls'd give up since I never took initiative.

Hell, I'm planning to have a girl over for a movie this week, and I still can't figure out if she's into me or just wants to be friends. Not that it matters, I guess. She's switching schools this fall anyways.

 

[Kargathia]

No, but I do get called "cute" more often than my male ego would appreciate.

 

[KjellKanon]

Being nice is overrated.
I'm rude and sarcastic. Works great!

 

[Ace of Spades]

I'm one of those rare nice guys who actually got the girl, which sort of breaks the system. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

 

[pppppppppppppppppp]

To pitch something else into this "nice guy" bit, I often find guys who are nice only because that's all they can be. If they were in a more dominant position, they'd walk all over everyone else.

It's sad really.

This always seemed like a chicken and egg thing to me.

It seems like people often get into positions of power because they're overly aggressive and walk all over everyone else, e.g: the cooperate world. Are guys nice because they're not in dominant positions, or are they not in dominant positions because they're too nice?

 

[Delsana]

I was perhaps the kindest and most generous person you'd ever meet in your entire life (not exaggerating) until I was manipulated, abuse, exploited, and lied to.

Now... well now... now I'm tainted.

 

[Dr. Crawver]

I actually try to be, though I don't think I achieve it really. I have the advantage that I have a girlfriend of 4 years now, in a solid relationship that at current rate may well go all the way, so am in no problems in terms of getting a girl, but I try to be that nice guy. The guy who people want to be friends with, and I currently have the advantage of not needing to worry about getting the girl as it seems to be helping as such with keeping her (she always says I treat her better than anyone has, I still don't believe it). I know mine rings hollow as it doesn't have the whole dichotomy of being liked to being loved as such, as I do seem to have both to an extent, and I'm sure to many it seems like I'm boasting (reading myself back I get that sense now), but that's kind of my answer I guess. Yes, I try to be

 

[Ashhearth]

Meh I'm a really nice guy but I really don't let people walk over. People apparently like me more than I thought but relationships aren't really a priority for me. I say just be comfortable as you are and you'll get it right eventually just be patient.

 

[Rarhnor]

Hey guys, just asked a lady friend out today, and I got the whole "You a really nice guy, but..." speech about "not wanting to ruin our friendship" and inevitably ended with "...but I still want to stay friends." [small](Except she's going to avoid me like the plague from now on, so it's not like we're really going to stay friends)[/small] Story of my life...

[/useless whining]

Anyway, is anyone else here a "nice guy" in other people's eyes? By "nice guy" I mean someone who tries to be courteous and polite to everyone, but comes off having no confidence or masculinity. Someone who has a lot of friends that are girls, but no girlfriend. Someone who when they like a girl, makes the mistake of becoming their close platonic friend because they're too timid to ask them out. Someone who lets other people walk all over them in an attempt to please everyone. Ect, ect...

[small](In some circles, this is also known as being a "huge, spineless pussy".)[/small]

I've been trying to get rid of the "nice guy" persona for some time now and be more confident and assertive, but I keep falling back into old habits. Does anyone else have this problem? And to the .01% of this site that are women, what exactly is bad or unattractive about "nice guys" anyway?

Oh, and sorry if this topic's been done to death. I couldn't find anything on the search bar, but I have a feeling it's been done before.

Buddy, you weren't rejected because you were are a nice guy. You were rejected because you aren't her type, so she tried to reject you, in a light manner (ladies...don't do this shit it).

Don't get rid of the "niceguy" persona. You stick with it. Ladies love the dorky nice guy.

 

[Dumbfish1]

I dunno, being a nice guy has worked out pretty well for me. It got me my current girlfriend, a good group of friends, and a generally amiable relationship with everyone else at my college. Never really been bullied either.

 

[Hagi]

I don't think acting extremely polite at all times, pretending to be friends while you really want something romantic and letting others walk all over you is being nice, in any way or form.

It's only one step down from manipulative in that you're doing it out of fear, but it's a far distance from actually being nice.

People don't walk over you because they're assholes, they walk over you because you're lying face down and basically asking them. And in the end if you ever talk about it they just feel guilty about doing it and you feel bad for letting it happen.

Girls don't reject you because they like jerks or whatever. They don't like you because there's nothing there to like, all there is are nods and smiles. There's no person behind all that extreme politeness. And in the end if you ever do ask her out she just feels extremely guilty about turning you down and you feel like crap for getting rejected.

By acting like a "nice guy" you're hurting yourself and your friends. That's not being nice in any sense of the word.

Real nice guys like helping others, they like giving advice, they like sharing their opinion, they like being just friends with girls, they like being polite most of the time and they don't let anyone walk over them.

EDIT: Real nice guys act the way they do because that's the person they want to be and they don't whine about it. "Nice guys" act the way they do either because they're afraid to act any other way or for the sake of another person (pretending to be a friend != nice) and whenever they get the chance they do seem to whine about it.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

Yeah that pretty much describes me, except for the having lots of friends that are girls part. I don't have a lot of friends at all, never mind ones that are girls/women.

 

[Gwarr]

I have anger Management issues , my current best friend and I beat the shit out of each other in high school ( he tried to bully me ) . I'm generally nice to the ladies but I am as sensible as a rock .

 

[Brandon237]

Anyway, is anyone else here a "nice guy" in other people's eyes? By "nice guy" I mean someone who tries to be courteous and polite to everyone,

I try to be nice, and my insults aren't great because I tend to avoid using them unless someone really pisses me of, I wait at and hold open doors, I am polite, say hello, goodbye, please, thank-you etc. I make no effort though for people who make a concerted effort to be arrogant or annoy me, they are not worth the trouble.

but comes off having no confidence or masculinity.

Kinda used to, but I have been told many times in just the last few weeks that I am incredibly funny, I have asked girls out fine fine, well two, but then again I have only been interested in two in the last 3 years... I can approach people and talk if I feel like it, and people often force leadership / things that REQUIRE confidence and speech skills on me. I am also quite fast and agile, and can kick a target at above my head-height... so no problems there

Someone who has a lot of friends that are girls, but no girlfriend.

Nope, got a few girls as friends and a girlfriend. And an amazing one at that, I think I am disqualified.

Someone who when they like a girl, makes the mistake of becoming their close platonic friend because they're too timid to ask them out.

My current girlfriend was my close friend of a good few months, it just makes our current relationship better. The whole friend zone thing... it doesn't always work, in fact very often it is complete nonsense.

Someone who lets other people walk all over them in an attempt to please everyone. Ect, ect...

I let people walk over me a lot, but mostly because I don't like fighting, physically or verbally. Not terrible at it, but I don't like it. If things will go down more easily without me causing a problem, I let it be. With some things though, I haven't been afraid of confronting the asses...

I'm not sure... is that a two out of four? As for the nice thing, yeah I let people walk over me and I am polite and not afraid to give a complete or credit where due (I'm not stingy with them in the slightest), so nice in that sense, but I do well for myself, and all things in moderation, stand up if you have to, and screw all those who tell you otherwise.

 

[faspxina]

And to the .01% of this site that are women, what exactly is bad or unattractive about "nice guys" anyway?.

You already answered that question when you referenced the "nice guy" as "Someone who lets other people walk all over them in an attempt to please everyone".

Would you be genuinely interested in someone like that, or would you just feel pity?