Are you a "nice guy"?

[Vrud]

Question: Why don't guys ever go for "nice girls"? If these women are really choosing such raging assholes over your kindly self, they can't be all that great, can they?

 

[notcotterX]

Its OK to be a nice guy, but there's a difference between timid-nice guy and a nice guy who is sure of himself. All i have to say is to be confident in who you are or whatever you are doing. Women usually don't like unconfident people, but don't become a cocky asshole.

 

[Racecarlock]

You have to be nice and confident and honest. That's what works. Just be yourself. Because if you're not you, who are you? She'd probably find out anyways, so you might as well be honest with yourself and her. Because if she doesn't know the actual you, who does she know?

 

[johnboy424]

Not so much nice guy, but definitely nice girl. The things I do for people... like lending the guy who repeated and self-admittedly treated me terribly over three hundred bucks to get his laptop (I did get the money back). I've bought him food, let him leave his ex with me while he went out with his mates(I laughed and called it "babysitting"), etc.

It was rather sweet, however, when he was sobbing into my shoulder at the bus station yesterday, telling me that he didn't want to go, that he was going to miss me so much and that he was coming home to me the first chance he got (this was after he almost missed the bus and I gave him $50 going away cash). The sad thing is that he's told me repeatedly that he loves me, but needs to sort his head out. What do you DO with guys like that? (Shaft them quick and I should know that by now... but I just can't seem to let this one go.)

Then there's my other mate, whose flight home I paid for and whose rent I covered for a week because she's flatass broke until she can get back to work. Not to mention she's eating my food.

So yeah, I get the nicknames "Angel" and "Mama" a lot. I'm a good person but very rarely do guys get any further than the sloppy "look after me!" stage, which is quite sad and has led to a whole lotta heartbreak.

You sound very much like a girl that I know. She goes way out of her way to be nice and helpful to everyone. At one point I was in a similar position as the guy who was sobbing into your shoulder with her, but I came to accept our position as friends. I'm sure your guy will too.

 

[Astoria]

There is nothing wrong with nice guys. Some girls genuinely mean it when they say they don't want to ruin the friendship and I meant it when I kept telling a friend no. It just means they value you to much to risk losing you. Other girls might be doing because they just aren't attracted to you. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, you just aren't their type. Of course there's the percentage of girls that say it because they want the smoking hot jerks but they aren't worth your time anyway.

 

[Phantomess]

You sound very much like a girl that I know. She goes way out of her way to be nice and helpful to everyone. At one point I was in a similar position as the guy who was sobbing into your shoulder with her, but I came to accept our position as friends. I'm sure your guy will too.

Yeah, but the sad thing is that I do love him. A completely illogical, insane amount despite the fact that in one moment he's telling me he can't be with me because he needs to sort himself out and in the next that he loves me (if not quite in the way of a lover). The stupid part is that I really CAN'T bring myself to see the worst in people. Heck, I don't even get angry and if I do there is something REALLY wrong. It's also really rare for me to cry over anything. I'm just a naturally upbeat, good-hearted person (who apparently isn't modest, judging by what I've just written! XD).

Girls have the same problem as guys. If you're too nice, always there for a guy, picking him up off the floor when he's broken again, you wind up adrift in Friendship Lagoon and you get the dreaded "you're my best friend" or even WORSE "you're like a sister to me". Ugh.

 

[KoalaKid]

To pitch something else into this "nice guy" bit, I often find guys who are nice only because that's all they can be. If they were in a more dominant position, they'd walk all over everyone else.

It's sad really.

So it's lose lose that at that point, how do you know they would really walk all over everyone else if in a dominant position? That kind of seems like pure speculation, and are you saying would rather them be something other than nice or that nice isn't enough?

It's just something I pick up on.

I would rather they be genuinely nice people who do nice things and respect the world as much as they respect themselves.

I guess your talking about some specific nice guys you have met, and not just nice guys in general?

My only problem with guys that call themselves "nice guys" and complain about how mean people walk all over them is the fact that they ALLOW themselves to be walked on. I'm sure this isn't always the case, but it's something that I have noticed. Personally I try to be kind to everyone I met and in general I respect life of all kinds human and animal alike, but on an individual level I only respect people that have given me a reason to respect them.

 

[Phisi]

I tend to fluctuate between antisocial nice guy and extremely antisocial. However the extremely antisocial mood tends to leave people thinking I'm a prick by not answering questions directly and taking it upon themselves to try to get me to talk to them.

 

[justnotcricket]

To me, the problem is this:

There's a difference between a 'nice guy' and a guy who is nice.

The guy who is nice is possibly even a bit rude or blunt or quiet or broody in public, but when you get to know them a bit (and if they're actually a nice guy, it doesn't take much) you realise that even if their outward appearance isn't 'nice', they are fundamentally a nice, kind person.
These are the kind that girls want!! So it may even be possible that that 'douche' or 'jerk' that the girl you like is going out with is actually a nice person, you just have to get to know him.

Note: I am not saying that all jerks are really just teddy bears on the inside. I'm saying that the fact that this guy is dating the girl you wanted but couldn't/didn't get may naturally have skewed your perspective unfairly *against* the other guy.

The 'nice guy' is the kind of person who is polite and helpful all the time, not because it's who he really is, but because it's what he thinks will get him laid/accepted/promoted/whatever. These guys *don't* get the girls, because the girls can see right thought the 'nice' and realise that it is fake and not a genuine representation of the guy's personality. This makes a girl very wary of, say, dating such a guy, because it has creepy, contrived overtones - cf the XKCD comic! =P

Important note: I am not saying that all men fall into one category or the other. Obviously there is a continuum there. But I think it is worth pointing out that sometimes trying too hard to be nice can actually set you back, in the sense that people either find you needy and creepy, or they walk all over you. There is a difference between being inherently a nice person, and 'trying to be nice to everyone'.

A better way is to be yourself, and try not to be actively unpleasant to people!

 

[Smooth Operator]

The 'nice guy' is the kind of person who is polite and helpful all the time, not because it's who he really is, but because it's what he thinks will get him laid/accepted/promoted/whatever. These guys *don't* get the girls, because the girls can see right thought the 'nice' and realise that it is fake and not a genuine representation of the guy's personality.

Bullshite
Nice guys are boring, bad boys are exciting, end of story.

Ya I used to be the "nice" guy trying to appease everyones wishes, and boy was that a fun just friends forever time, now I just play a dick for appearances sake... and it fucking works, wish someone told me that when I was 14.

 

[TheLoneBeet]

I've been told on several occasions that I'm nice. Endearing is the word I hear more often though. The best example is whenever one of my friends explains to people how I'm like a creme egg. She says that I've definitely got a shell but I'm still initially sweet. I'm just much sweeter once you get through the shell.

Sort of annoying because most people just say I'm a blunt, sarcastic asshole. So I'm not really sure what that means, perhaps the chocolate's gone bad on this creme egg..

 

[the_green_dragon]

It is my opinion that guys only befriend girls they want to have sex with.

If a girl is not attractive to them at all they will stay away from them.

I think girls think that guys and girls can be friends friends but the guy is secrectly picturing them naked.

 

[Hugga_Bear]

The 'nice guy' is the kind of person who is polite and helpful all the time, not because it's who he really is, but because it's what he thinks will get him laid/accepted/promoted/whatever. These guys *don't* get the girls, because the girls can see right thought the 'nice' and realise that it is fake and not a genuine representation of the guy's personality.

Bullshite
Nice guys are boring, bad boys are exciting, end of story.

Ya I used to be the "nice" guy trying to appease everyones wishes, and boy was that a fun just friends forever time, now I just play a dick for appearances sake... and it fucking works, wish someone told me that when I was 14.

Not really. Like I said before, I'm a guy who is nice (using justnotcrickets ideas) and I have zero problems with relationships.

Being nice doesn't mean being a pushover or being timid. It means being nice, nothing more or less. Confidence is probably the biggest factor in initial encounters, you can be confident without being a dick.

XKCD comic since it's come up a few times:
http://xkcd.com/513/

 

[justnotcricket]

The 'nice guy' is the kind of person who is polite and helpful all the time, not because it's who he really is, but because it's what he thinks will get him laid/accepted/promoted/whatever. These guys *don't* get the girls, because the girls can see right thought the 'nice' and realise that it is fake and not a genuine representation of the guy's personality.

Bullshite
Nice guys are boring, bad boys are exciting, end of story.

Ya I used to be the "nice" guy trying to appease everyones wishes, and boy was that a fun just friends forever time, now I just play a dick for appearances sake... and it fucking works, wish someone told me that when I was 14.

Indeed, you are a charmer.

Hey, whatever works for you. Why don't you try being yourself instead? Why 'play' anything? Or aren't you sure who you are? I know sometimes it can take a while to work out who you are, but...honestly I can't see why anyone wastes the energy pretending to be something they aren't.

But then I suppose it depends what sort of person you are trying to attract.

 

[Soxafloppin]

I think I'm genuinely nice, but I'm no ones fucking doormat.

 

[pearcinator]

Story of my fucking life.

 

[Codeman90]

Yeah I've had that whole, rejection but lets stay friends, thing as well. That was mostly shitty timing and a few....unfortunate choices of words on my end. Needless to say it didn't work out, but you know that stuff just happens. Shes still a friend and we still talk, bit not like we used to. You learn as you live in all honesty and if you don't make mistakes you don't learn. We didn't have too much in common anyway, but I enjoyed being friends with her and figured I'd ask her out. Nothing much changed and I have no real regrets, live and learn ya know.

Also don't be afraid to defend your views. There has to be some substance to your character, don't just take on the views of others in order to be polite. It isn't "nice" to seem like you have no stance on anything. For example someone I was talking too happened to bring up a topic that we had vastly different opinions about. She didn't back up her argument very well and in all honesty I ripped her argument apart and she was humiliated in front of some people, thats going to happen, you aren't going to agree with everyone. I admit perhaps I could have been a bit more encouraging and slightly less....vehement during the exchange, but I have an extensive background in dealing with the topic at hand and I was quite a bit more passionate about it.

My point is you have to be you. This whole friend zone thing is crap. Whining about it will get you NOWHERE. As for being a pansy, well I believe everyone has something they aren't willing to roll over for. For me it's a need to defend medical practitioners. In the example above the person I was arguing against claimed that vaccinations were poisoning children and doctors didn't care enough to stop it. I defended my point of view rather mercilessly. We're shaped by our experiences and we've all been through different things.

It's up to you to find what it is you stand for and whats most important to you. You have to find something to contribute to others. Not being a jerk is good and all, but what benefit do others get by not being an asshole to you?

This is kind of an expansion of Hagi's post

 

[Codeman90]

before I start, I'd just like to adress a few facts.

fact 1- the escapist has a terrifyingly large antimale feminist population.

fact 2- the escapist also has a large population of lonely spineless wimps who complain about how girls don't like them on the forums about every week.

fact 3- girls are attracted to confidence, whether that manifests itself in a guy being nice, or a complete dick.

fact 4-girls are not attracted to weak spinless pussies, and it's nice to hear that the OP understands this.

ok, glad we got that out of the way. I'm a nice guy, but my confidence is off the charts. like no joke, if I see an attractive girl somewhere who I don't know, I'll just go up and talk to her. you'd be supprised how many are actually really attracted to me, and for that reason, I'm sick of both sides of this argument. I've seen how effective being fearless can be when you're hitting on a girl, so don't give me this shit about how girls never fall for nice guys. man up and realize that it's all about confidence, and not how "nice" you are.

on the other hand, I'm going to go berzerk if I hear one more feminist complain about how guys "steryotype" them by saying that girls like douchbags. I know so many girls who are attracted to guys with a criminal record that I know you're all a bunch of liars. sure you like nice guys sometimes, but if an asshole has even just a little more confidence than a nice guy, it doesn't matter that he will probably grow up to be a sex offender/murderer, you girls are all over him.

Glad this was finally posted. Someone needed to say it. Yeah confidence goes a long way, to be sure. I've also never seen a forum with such a glut of dating topics. I honestly think a subforum needs to be made for this stuff at this point =p.

 

[Manji187]

There is nothing wrong with nice guys. Some girls genuinely mean it when they say they don't want to ruin the friendship and I meant it when I kept telling a friend no. It just means they value you to much to risk losing you. Other girls might be doing because they just aren't attracted to you. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, you just aren't their type. Of course there's the percentage of girls that say it because they want the smoking hot jerks but they aren't worth your time anyway.

Haha...keep telling yourself that.

I wonder though...in such cases, how would the friendship be "ruined" exactly? Is it because "it would be weird"? Wouldn't it be more honest to say that you simply don't see him as a potential lover, instead of resorting to white lies?

 

[Smooth Operator]

Why 'play' anything? Or aren't you sure who you are? I know sometimes it can take a while to work out who you are, but...honestly I can't see why anyone wastes the energy pretending to be something they aren't.

I don't play to be nice, when I like a girl I tend to fall to the mercy of her wishes, but that ofcourse is not attractive, and thus we come to the point of what you haveto play to be attractive.
I'm sure one day when I turn 30+ and my partners are in that settling down range the nice guy part will be appreciated, until then it's either pretend or ... single player mode.