Are You a Shy Guy? (Girl Problems Thread)

[jthm]

Here's one for ya.

Guy I know slightly. Barman. He's friends with a couple of my friends, and he recognises me when I'm in the pub & remembers what I drink. Doubt he knows my name, though, our only conversations have been fleeting (but pleasant), and only with the other friends present.

Now, the other friends are all off elsewhere. They're not in town anymore, except during X-Masses, and I don't plan to be here for another X-Mas either. If I was to ask him out, I'd have to head into his place of work alone.

He'd greet me, I'm not entirely a stranger to him. But... to ask him out? If he turned out to be straight, it would be embarrassing beyond words. Also pretty crushing. This is pretty much the only prospect that exists here, and it's so uncertain, so unlikely.

Do I wait for a day when I feel liek a baws, and go for it? Or is it unrealistic to pin my hopes on something like this?

Your position is slightly different from most of us here. Fact is, the odds are against him being gay, the majority of people are heterosexual. I've been hit on by 3 guys in my life, (I'm straight) and 2 handled it gracefully when I told them I was flattered, but straight. The third got annoying as hell asking things like how do I know I wouldn't enjoy it if I never tried it. Don't be that third guy if he says no.

Anyhow, conventional wisdom says ask him, because otherwise you'll wonder and be miserable for a time. Something you might do is ask a female friend to flirt with him a little and see how he responds. Are you out? If you aren't, you might not want to ask him, as it will get back to people you hadn't come out too. Of course you could have a coming out party at the bar and see if he flirts with you.

 

[rawfy]

As I was watching Louis (Louis C.K's tv show) I found that his everyday mannerism just totally mirrors my life...it sucks...LOL!

If your into that show you know he's pro comedian, he has great stage presence. But as soon as he's off the stage he just cloisters up into the poor self depreciating overly fatalist lad that he otherwise is. My problem is that as much as I do want to associate women to soulful living beings....all i feel is misogynistic or carnal images playing through my head. It's not like that's reserved to women as I find men to be just as painful to associate with.

I perform myself, and I don't find i'm the shy type.....Everyday i'm one of those types who speaks up if something needs to be said, and I do it with clarity. it's just I can't stand people to the point that it makes it impossible to get to know them...Conversing with people is like watching porn after you ejaculate. I feel like every conversation just leads into something dreadful...not in that "ahh...what a boring/creepy guy like OMG!" but it's like I suck out there energy to reciprocate them sucking mine...

I'm one of those guys that girls (people in general) just look down as they walk past lifting there head back up when there passed me (i notice it in peripheral vision) I feel like I just radiate negativity.

Some people are magnetic...I'm like the Bermuda Triangle...hehe

Suppose that's my cry for help...hehe

 

[Froggy Slayer]

I am incredibly shy when it comes to girls. 17 years old, never even kissed one. Madly in love with a girl for over a year now; still haven't worked up balls to ask her out yet, know rejection to be inevitability anyway. I understand the message about being confident but I'm afraid that I have very little to be confident about; and I don't want to fake it; I'm am not willing to be dishonest with myself. I doubt that there is anything destined for me other than a lonely death. Have grappled with idea of suicide as solution multiple times, but perhaps thought of never seeing my love again scares me more than never being with her.

 

[Mr F.]

Ish.

Apparently I am a charismatic bastard. I can see it ever so slightly, its not that hard for me to get a girlfriend sometimes. However... I find it hard to get that ball rolling. Once its clear that someone actually wants to talk to me I can keep talking. Which usually goes quite well.

Uh.

I dunno, I think I am shy. Other people say I am not. I hide in a suit these days. Cause people don't see much further then the suit.

I used to be much worse then I am now. I used to really struggle to talk to people.

All that aside, in about a years time I hope to be back on my feet and reenter the world of dating and whatnot. Got dumped under a week ago, things are still rather fresh. Meh.

Whenever I think about trying to date people I remember something a friend of mine once said, whilst hammered, and in tears. "[Redacted], Why is it you never get treated properly? You are one of the nicest guys I know, you are always willing to go the extra mile, yet whenever you date someone it goes badly and it just aint your fault!"

Lets see how things go in my second year at Uni. Cannot go much worse then my first year xD

EDIT:

I am incredibly shy when it comes to girls. 17 years old, never even kissed one. Madly in love with a girl for over a year now; still haven't worked up balls to ask her out yet, know rejection to be inevitability anyway. I understand the message about being confident but I'm afraid that I have very little to be confident about; and I don't want to fake it; I'm am not willing to be dishonest with myself. I doubt that there is anything destined for me other than a lonely death. Have grappled with idea of suicide as solution multiple times, but perhaps thought of never seeing my love again scares me more than never being with her.

It gets better. Seriously.

Back when I was 17, about 4 years back now, I was in a very similar place. Right down to the suicidal tendencies (Although that hasn't faded away yet, but whatever). I thought I was destined to die alone, all that stuff. I thought that the love I felt then was everything, I had nothing going for me.

Then a friend drags me to a gig and introduces me to someone she thought I would get along with. I dated that person for 7 months, fell in love with her rather quickly and still occasionally think about her to this day, despite it being 4ish mostly functional relationships ago.

Love creeps up on you. As does happiness. When life gives you lemons, find someone who is willing to throw lemons at other people with you. It does get better.

 

[MeChaNiZ3D]

Get a Pikachu costume then start a conversation. She'll never know, and furthermore you're acting as if on behalf of something other than yourself, which I find helps with confidence. Not that I'd know. I'm probably the worst case of this in this thread.

 

[Silvanus]

Strike up a conversation with him, find out if he's single, casually drop the old "my ex-boyfriend and I used to..." line, see how he reacts afterwards. If he starts being more distant or acts "odd" (fronting, emphasising how much he's into girls, that sort of thing), he's straight, save yourself the humiliation and don't ask. If he's cool with it and doesn't change the way he acts around you (or seems friendlier or more interested), joke around about how all the guys you like end up being straight, and then be super casual, put on your most charming smile and go "And what about you? Do I have a shot if I ask you out?" If he says no, just let it slide right off you (keep up a (smaller) smile, sigh a little and go "Yeah, I figured. Ah, well, that's luck for ya. Get me another one, would you? Thanks!"). If he says yes, then congrats, you're in. You can start actually flirting then and eventually ask him out.

I likes the sound of that, it's the kind of thing I was mentally planning. If the scenario arises, I don't want to let it pass me by.

I usually don't feel comfortable bringing up relationships/ sexuality, but I could find a way to test the waters.

SNIP

Aye, I know my situation is probably very different from that of most people here. It's a very different game, and not at all an enjoyable one.

I'm 'out' in that everyone I'm friends with knows, but it's not outwardly apparent about me at all (IE, it doesn't come up in conversation with me often). So, I don't think he would suspect unless a mutual friend had mentioned it. I'm not too bothered about him mentioning it to someone; there aren't enough people left in this town that I know. I would try it, respectfully, if the chance arose, but it doesn't seem like any likely scenario will arise.


===


Back to Gen-Pop OT stuff: One of my very closest friends, someone I see whenever we're in the same town, who I'll continue to see long into the future. He's straight, & he's been aware that I've had feelings for him for years. It seriously doesn't affect how we interact; He finds it funny, & when I stay around his, we still sleep in the same bed, share sleeping bags when we go elsewhere ETC.

I remember him, when drunk, getting quite genuinely upset & apologising that he couldn't reciprocate my feelings. I want to make clear, he was saying this unsolicited; I don't try to 'convert' him. He brings up my sexuality more than I ever do.

Once, he did border on experimenting, and we never talked about it afterwards. I repeat, bordered on experimenting. This was quite a while ago. He's had another relationship since.

Would it be unfair of me to ask him, in the most honest & open way possible, whether he would like to give it a try? I seriously don't want to be unfair to him or our friendship. I'd do it lightheartedly, make it clear rejection is what I expect.

 

[Raine_sage]

I try not to make generalizations about nerds/geeks, mainly because it doesnt make sense, the average nerd doesnt have problems with talking to/approaching pretty girls, hell, im sure most of you take breaks from your dark souls marathon to have orgies with 12 % of the pep rally. (slight sarcasm).

But if youre anything like me, sometimes this puzzle game of attraction can be on a very high difficulty and there is nothing wrong for asking for each others help. So this is the thread where you post girl problems and hopefully get and answer, thats if yoshi doesnt make an egg out of you first

Ill start us off with a ShyGuy Problem Im having,

I take the train to work about 3 times a week, and there isnt a single time where I dont see this one pretty girl every time as im coming back home, I dont want to freak her out so I dont make eye contact, she looks a little older than me (about 25, Im 22) and I have no idea on a way to approach her, and im not sure if shes noticed me or not... help?

Well from a female perspective I can offer you this advice. If at all possible try not to approach her while she's on the train. I've had guys approach me on public transport before and it's a horrible feeling because if I say no then I'm stuck in a small enclosed space with them until my next stop. If you do ask her out on the train and she says no then try and move to another car if you can (it'll probably help spare your feelings as well, I can't imagine it'd be much fun for you to have to sit across from her either).

The biggest thing you can do though is try not to act nervous! I can't stress this enough, because the kind of confidence girls react to isn't the 'I'm so great look at my swag' kind. It's the 'I'm completely comfortable in my own skin, in this place, and I'll be perfectly ok if you say no because I'm confident enough not to take it personally'.

It's a big thing because if a guy approaches me and looks nervous or stressed out, it makes me nervous by proxy. Nervousness is infectious but also because I know what they're about to ask. And my brain has already started processing what is going to happen if I say no. The more strung out the guy looks, the higher the threat alarm in my head. The more relaxed, the more likely he is to get a yes.

 

[knight steel]

How long do you have to "fake it till you make it".
I've been following that exact same advice you have given for about four years and yet I've never once even gone on a date with somebody. So how FUCKING long does it take to get somewhere.
You know you can only stand being rejected so many times intill you contemplate killing someone/killing yourself. Why do I have to be the one to make the first move , once just for one fucking time why can't someone ask me out/start a conversation with me for a change.

It's right in the phrase... you fake it till you make it. If you haven't made it yet then keep faking it. Eventually you'll either end up being a real confident person, or you'll get into a relationship and you'll end up feeling more confident just by being in a relationship. Good luck with it, it can take a long time but don't give up trying

Yeah but it's four years, if it was going to work it would have by now.........I just can't keep up the same fake confidence when it not working,I mean do you really think I should just continue trying it blindly,for another 8 years, how 18 years,will you take responsibility when I die alone?

 

[knight steel]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

I hate to say it but there's nothing more we can say. There are no love potions, psychological key phrases or magicr tricks that can make a girl like you. You need to be confident or fake it till you make it. Think of it this way. If you pretend to be confident and she likes what she sees, and agrees to date you, then you have something right there to be confident about.

How long do you have to "fake it till you make it".
I've been following that exact same advice you have given for about four years and yet I've never once even gone on a date with somebody. So how FUCKING long does it take to get somewhere.
You know you can only stand being rejected so many times intill you contemplate killing someone/killing yourself. Why do I have to be the one to make the first move , once just for one fucking time why can't someone ask me out/start a conversation with me for a change.

What have you actually been doing that's different to four years ago? How do you look, act, dress? I mean 4 years ago I was pretty unrecognisable to who I am now. I'm 22, I lost my virginity at 21.

Beforeidn't talk to anyone except family,avoided people and groups,looked dishelvled/messy
Past four years: Talked to any one who would listen, went to places with people/groups, took care of my looks
results: A few extra "friends" who aren't happy to see me and try to avoid me, still never kissed a girl or gone on a date,zero self confidence worse than before.

 

[idon'tknowaboutthat]

She's a good looking person you don't know, she's probably vapid and obnoxious and if she's not she's probably in a relationship.

Holy shit, everyone should get this laminated and put up on their wall. So perfectly true. Words to live by.

Edit-Actually, just the whole post. Man, there are so many of you people out there that actually know how this stuff works... it's amazing.

 

[Axolotl]

I am incredibly shy when it comes to girls. 17 years old, never even kissed one. Madly in love with a girl for over a year now; still haven't worked up balls to ask her out yet, know rejection to be inevitability anyway. I understand the message about being confident but I'm afraid that I have very little to be confident about; and I don't want to fake it; I'm am not willing to be dishonest with myself. I doubt that there is anything destined for me other than a lonely death. Have grappled with idea of suicide as solution multiple times, but perhaps thought of never seeing my love again scares me more than never being with her.

Why don't you just get something to be confident about? I mean you're 17 it really shouldn't be hard to make yourself fitter, smarter, more moral, cooler, more attractive and such. I mean obviously it takes some effort but you're at an age which is pretty much ideal for it and it's certainly a better option than suicide.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

One of my very closest friends, someone I see whenever we're in the same town, who I'll continue to see long into the future. He's straight, & he's been aware that I've had feelings for him for years. It seriously doesn't affect how we interact; He finds it funny, & when I stay around his, we still sleep in the same bed, share sleeping bags when we go elsewhere ETC.

I remember him, when drunk, getting quite genuinely upset & apologising that he couldn't reciprocate my feelings. I want to make clear, he was saying this unsolicited; I don't try to 'convert' him. He brings up my sexuality more than I ever do.

Once, he did border on experimenting, and we never talked about it afterwards. I repeat, bordered on experimenting. This was quite a while ago. He's had another relationship since.

Would it be unfair of me to ask him, in the most honest & open way possible, whether he would like to give it a try? I seriously don't want to be unfair to him or our friendship. I'd do it lightheartedly, make it clear rejection is what I expect.

Well, if he?s single (or otherwise in an open relationship), I guess you could casually ask him if he wanted to sexually experiment, stressing that it should be up to him and he shouldn?t feel like he has to just because you have feelings for him. You could say something like, ?So, I was thinking, do you want to try mutual masturbation sometime?? And then you could build it up from there. If you two are as close as you say you are, then he probably won't be too freaked out or anything like that.

But if it gets too awkward for you, him, or both of you, then you should stop, because it?s not worth ruining a friendship over. You?ll have to remember that if he?s straight, there isn?t much hope that he?ll suddenly turn round to you, claim that he?s bisexual now, and go out with you.

 

[HorrendusOne]

Step one: Identify all the social hoops and rules of the "dating" game.

Step two: Decide you'd rather wait till you meet another human being who doesn't want to play these silly games but would rather have a healthy relationship

Step three: ...idk step 3 still yet, since I haven't found anyone with a high enough IQ to be rid of such silly "Rules" and just do what they want.


I refuse to spend my life with someone who can't think for them-self.... So i plan to be stay lonely for a while.. . .longer (due to the area I have lived in recently)

 

[Darken12]

I likes the sound of that, it's the kind of thing I was mentally planning. If the scenario arises, I don't want to let it pass me by.

I usually don't feel comfortable bringing up relationships/ sexuality, but I could find a way to test the waters.

Cool!

Personally, I find that "a former boyfriend" is a lot less uncomfortable for shy people than casually dropping the "[insert male celebrity here] is pretty hot" line, which a lot of other guys swear by. And much less uncomfortable than actually flirting, too. But I'm sure you'll find the line that best suits you if you put your mind into it.

Would it be unfair of me to ask him, in the most honest & open way possible, whether he would like to give it a try? I seriously don't want to be unfair to him or our friendship. I'd do it lightheartedly, make it clear rejection is what I expect.

Well, I'd suggest going for the lighthearted joking method of "dude, you're such a tease! Someone, give this man the Blueballing Award of the Year! [laugh together] Come on, dude, seriously, do you really want to experiment with a guy or do you get your thrills from blueballing innocent gay guys?" Obviously, the last bit, despite being in a more serious tone, still has to be said in a casual and lighthearted way, so that he knows you don't bear him any ill will and you just want to know if he's ever going to "go for it" so to speak.

I think being super casual about it, instead of getting all serious and heavy on him (and putting him on the spot) is the best way to go. Just let him know that what he's being a total cocktease and that you really want to know if you have a shot at fun sexytimes.

EDIT: I'll echo Relish in Chaos here and add "if he's single". If you think "guy cheats on girl with another girl" drama is bad, then you haven't seen the "straight guy cheats on girlfriend with a dude" levels of drama.

 

[The Comfy Chair]

Some of the advice in the thread is a bit weird, but overall it just seems like everyone is treating everyone of the opposite gender as someone totally different to themselves! Although, if you're shy, have interests outside of 'I watch TV, sports, and like to drink beer', you're probably going to run into the issue that a lot of people you meet in 'the real world' aren't like you anyway!

I suppose i'm in a slightly different situation though to many here. I have been in a relationship that lasted 6 years until she couldn't cope with the outside world any more (bipolar disorder and 2 years of unemployment related stress after uni can do that i guess) and decided living in a bubble, ignoring the rest, was a good idea. Being a 'perfect boyfriend' for 6 years (no arguments, caring, y'know, all those things people claim they always want in a guy) and still not having it work out kind of puts a dampener on any real thoughts of 'happy ever after'. There isn't such a thing, even if the relationship is the kind of one that most people would kill for, it can still go wrong through no fault of your own.

The reason i brought that up is you can't let yourself get absorbed into 'i have to be with someone to mean anything' because it's not true. No matter what happens, no matter how you act, things can and will go wrong with relationships. That is the only thing that can definitely be said. Therefore, do not let relationships be your goal in life, you'll only be crushed when they don't. Find something you love to do, find something that gives you a reason to get up in the morning. It could be writing, drawing, charity, coding, pro gamer! You'll be far happier with yourself having that than spending your life searching endlessly for the 'one' on trains.

You never know, focusing on your own interests may eventually lead you to finding someone truly worth being with as opposed to someone vaguely pretty but unlikely to have anything really in common

 

[norashepard]

Some of the advice in the thread is a bit weird, but overall it just seems like everyone is treating everyone of the opposite gender as someone totally different to themselves! Although, if you're shy, have interests outside of 'I watch TV, sports, and like to drink beer', you're probably going to run into the issue that a lot of people you meet in 'the real world' aren't like you anyway!

You never know, focusing on your own interests may eventually lead you to finding someone truly worth being with as opposed to someone vaguely pretty but unlikely to have anything really in common

Cut out the middle just to keep this shorter, BUT YES, I agree with you completely.

I find that when I'm actively searching for a girl to be close to or whatever, it never happens and I just get depressed and unhappy and it's never fun. So I go back to the things I do love, either playing Mass Effect again, or working on various short stories or interactive fiction projects, and you know what happens? I'll meet someone randomly and we'll get to talking about stuff, and I'll mention those things I love a lot, and suddenly instead of just a random stranger to this girl, I'm an interesting person who knows how to enjoy the world. Certainly a much better place to be than stranger.

And even if that doesn't work out, romantically, you've just found someone with similar interests, and that's a sure way to meet even more people.

So yes, Comfy Chair said it well already, I just thought I'd detail it some more with personal experience.

 

[Seydaman]

Hmm, the problems of social fear...well, there's a lot of things like speaking courses, social counseling, and so on to help people conquer such personal issues. Personally, I'm still very shy (getting better I think).

 

[generals3]

Are you insanely attractive? Because that's pretty much how women distinguish between "cute awkward guy I met on a train that was kind of like the beginning of a rom-com" and "Traincreep McMurderface".

Win. That just made me lol.

 

[Cheesepower5]

*blah, blah, blah, dating stuff, blah, blah, blah*

I came in here to say that I am a bemasked Mario enemy that originated in the American Super Mario Bros. 2.

 

[Frokane]

I picked that metaphor for a reason my dear boy