Are You a Shy Guy? (Girl Problems Thread)

[GroovySpecs]

I don't know if I'm welcome here but I am just going to throw my thoughts from a female perspective into the mix. I would say above don't be afraid of being shy, it isn't in itself offputting, and even when somone is so immensley shy that it is offputting, it is still alot less offputting than somone approaching you with alot of fake brovado. It can even be flattering to have a guy tripping over himself a little asking you out. It's the worlds oldest cleche but be yourself, and provided you are a nice person it will work for you in the end.

The one note of caution i would sound is to be aware of the difference between being shy and being unhappy with yourself. It is very important to a girl that you are happy in yourself, because the one thing none of us are looking for is a project. Somone who isn't happy with themself and is looking for somone to make them happy might as well tatoo "run and hide" on their forehead.

Just my two cents.

 

[Auron225]

It's not often I see a girl that makes me go;

but when I do, it happens to be a complete stranger and one that I likely won't run into again (like, on the street or something). I cannot think of a socially acceptable way to start conversations with complete strangers other than "Do you have the time?" which is becoming less and less believe-able in our day and age, and I don't know what to follow it up with other than "Thanks". =S

 

[thejackyl]

I'm not necessarily shy. I just take a little while longer to warm up to people than normal. However I do have a horrible time picking up signals that woman are interested in me.

Take my girlfriend for example: We met over a year ago. We've only been dating for less than a month. And she was interested in me THE WHOLE TIME. Oh well, it worked out in the end.

As for past encounters, I've only been told "No" directly maybe twice by girls who weren't interested in me, everyone else beat around the bush way too much.

Last girl I asked out recently broke up withe her last boyfriend, we hung out a lot, and I told her how I felt(That I would like to go out). She responded "I would like to too, but I think it's still too soon for us.", Not a "No", which I probably would have stopped talking to her for a while and then been "Okay, that's cool". But because of this I tried again a few weeks later, after she had lost interest in me. She simply said she was too busy to start dating right now. So a few weeks later I tried again. (A few days before Christmas.) This time she finally said she was no longer interested. To which I responded by going home and calling myself stupid for not seeing the signs. Good news, we are still good friends.

Before that it was a girl who had recently broke off an engagement. We go out as friends, have a good time. We go out on an actual date and have a great time. After that she tells me she's come out as a lesbian after her failed engagement.

Another girl came onto me before this, and we became really fast friends. We went on a few dates and she ends up telling me she's engaged, which made our activities that night a lot more awkward...

And that's not just the last two years. If I went back more...

There's a reason I'm a little socially awkward. Some people are fucked up, and I absolutely hate the drama that's attached to them.

 

[JokerCrowe]

I recently realized something when it comes to asking girls out.
The less attachment you have to them and the shorter time you've spent obsessing over them, the easier it'll go and the less you'll have to lose. My advice to OP: talk to her, you'll need to think of something to talk about unless you're really good at improv theater, but make a bunch of topics and come up with an opener.
I don't know how much time you have spent looking at her and thinking about her, (you probably shouldn't mention that in you opener though...) but the sooner you talk to her the easier it'll be.
And if she completely shuts you down, Hey! At least you had the courage to talk to a complete stranger on a train (presumably in front of people), and (possibly) asked her out. Doing things like that work pretty much like in video games, you get XP for every time you do it, and you'll get better every time you do it too.
So just do it. She's not some girl you've secretly loved for 5 years, it's just a cute girl in a train. So best case scenario you get a date! Worst case scenario the train crashes!! (*cough*) I mean, she shoots you down, and you can go look for other cute girls on trains and have more experience in doing so and therefore a higher chance of success!

 

[Kuilui]

What I've realized in life like most things is that often the experience is far less painful than the torture parade you put yourself through thinking about doing something. Life is to short to make yourself miserable over things that you have control over(when there's often enough things making you miserable you have no control over). Sure its painful to rip yourself out of your comfort zone, especially when putting yourself out there in such a way but even if it goes wrong its only a little pain and you'll finally have closure one way or another. You won't have to think "What if" or any of that because you'll have your peace of mind at least. The torture parade clouds your judgement and rational mind after awhile, at least in my case anyway. That's why I love the cartoon Doug because Doug is the everyman basically. Every single show he puts himself through these nightmare scenarios and stresses out about things that are really no big deal even if they feel like they are to you.

 

[PsychedelicDiamond]

There's something i kinda want to get off of my heart so...

You know, a few, about three, years ago i met this girl. We've spent quite a bit of time together though not nearly as much as i would have wanted. Went to school together. I was 16 and kind of a loner back then, not the most social person, you dig? I like to think that i've gotten better about this but that's probably not for me to judge. Well, thing is, didn't get along to well with my classmates but it was different with her. She took the time to actually get to know me and spent some time with me. And, uh... i kinda developed a somewhere immature crush on her. Well, now that i've finished school i didn't keep in touch with her but... you know my feelings for her didn't go away. It's... quite the opposite, actually. It's like... im putting her on a proverbial pedestal, you know? Like, she's now that ideal no other woman can live up to. And, truth is, i find that really depressing. I mean, i feel like a total creep and yet there's nothing i can do, it's just the way i feel. I don't know... i guess i'm actually really pathetic and had the sudden urge to share this by writing 10 lines about it on an internet forum.

 

[GroovySpecs]

There's something i kinda want to get off of my heart so...

You know, a few, about three, years ago i met this girl. We've spent quite a bit of time together though not nearly as much as i would have wanted. Went to school together. I was 16 and kind of a loner back then, not the most social person, you dig? I like to think that i've gotten better about this but that's probably not for me to judge. Well, thing is, didn't get along to well with my classmates but it was different with her. She took the time to actually get to know me and spent some time with me. And, uh... i kinda developed a somewhere immature crush on her. Well, now that i've finished school i didn't keep in touch with her but... you know my feelings for her didn't go away. It's... quite the opposite, actually. It's like... im putting her on a proverbial pedestal, you know? Like, she's now that ideal no other woman can live up to. And, truth is, i find that really depressing. I mean, i feel like a total creep and yet there's nothing i can do, it's just the way i feel. I don't know... i guess i'm actually really pathetic and had the sudden urge to share this by writing 10 lines about it on an internet forum.

Why not look her up, facebook her or something? If she took the time to get to know you the way you say she may have liked you too and even if nothing else you might rekindle an old friendship. But above all it should break the spell, you have this image of a perfect girl in your mind and the best thing to bring you back down to earth may be getting to know the real her?

Thanks for sharing anyway.

 

[JLML]

If all else fails just do this:

You know, I always read your posts in the voice of Adam Baldwin, because of that avatar. In this case that became even funnier than usual. I can just imagine him, with that face, saying that and point to a screen or something showing that clip.

OT: Well, as someone who belongs to that group of awkward, asocial group, I can honestly say that yeah, confidence is (usually. . . probably) the key. The few times I've ever been in what could be likened to a functional relationship it's been because I've (for whatever reason) acted with at least some level of confidence.

Also, don't bother sitting around waiting. Trust me. For example, there was this one time when I was just tired of the boring old same and went into town (I live slightly outside the city, and for whatever reason I rarely go in there, mostly because the buses here are shit-expensive I guess) with no plan what so ever, walked around a while, stumbled upon an event going on, made some friends, and a few weeks later I was in the first (and so far only) "real" relationship I've been in. That, combined with some other stuff, has made me figure out that this whole relationship thing is not really my thing. I prefer solitude. Anyhow, what I was trying to say with this little story is that you never know what will happen, and the best thing to do is ACTUALLY, you know, just go out and see what happens.

Captcha: "What for" what for indeed, captcha.

 

[Extra-Ordinary]

Are you insanely attractive? Because that's pretty much how women distinguish between "cute awkward guy I met on a train that was kind of like the beginning of a rom-com" and "Traincreep McMurderface".

Oh gosh, that was the funniest thing I've read all day.
Anyway.
Sorry buddy, can't help ya.
I'm actually more-or-less lurking in this thread trying to find an answer myself.

 

[Wolf In A Bear Suit]

I have some problems <.<

Anyone know how to read "signals"? I has no idea

Any and all help would be generally appreciated, thank you!

The ONE thing guys have to remember is that girls expect US to make the first move--and sometimes expect us to be persistent i.e. Ask them out more than once--don't just give up when they say "no" the first time (especially because they may say "NO" out of sheer reflex--which leaves them wishing you'd ask them again).

Oh come on, really?

I thought "no" meant "no"...

WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO BE SO MIND-SCREWY!?

[small]User was banned for: How I Friend-Zoned Anita Sarkeesian [http://www.escapistmagazine.com/forums/read/520.401227]. (Permanent)[/small]

And remember if they take out a restraining order, they're just playing hard to get, You should make a grand gesture, like stealing her cat and when she goes crazy looking for it, bring it back. You'll be a hero.

 

[Relish in Chaos]

To be honest, every girl I seem to fancy are either nothing more than acquaintances who seem to have dropped hints that they?re not interested in me, or they?re already taken. Like the girl who I?m sort-of friends with (although the bulk of our conversations appear to be about History, since we?re in the same class for A-Levels) I asked to go to the cinema with a few weeks ago because I was feeling so shitty about myself that I just thought, ?Fuck it, I?m going to do something impulsive right now, and I?ve been thinking about asking her about it, so here goes?, but she declined, and I think my friend and her already have some kind of thing going on, judging by how they act around each other. I?ve not even managed a hug from her, and he?s held her hand. I think so, anyway. At the moment, I don?t think I could get that close with a girl, especially since I need to work on loving myself first.

I pretty much just decided that I was going to wait until university and hope that my relations with the opposite sex picks up from then on, since I?ll have more independence, probably have more confidence and appeal after I get CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) for my numerous issues (I?m already taking Fluoxetine for depression), and, well, I?ll be an adult.

I don?t care that much about the sex part. When it happens, it?ll happen. I might sound arrogant here, but I know I?m not going to be a 40-year-old virgin, because I?m not that socially awkward, and I?ve seen people worse than me hook up with girls. But it would be nice to have some companionship, someone to cuddle and kiss, someone to talk to about stuff that I may not be able to do with my friends or family, and to fully understand what everyone?s talking about when they talk about the ?meaning of love?, rather than cynically scoffing at everything they say.

 

[Paradoxrifts]

And remember if they take out a restraining order, they're just playing hard to get, You should make a grand gesture, like stealing her cat and when she goes crazy looking for it, bring it back. You'll be a hero.

Only after you've turned it into a hat. Chicks dig hats.

 

[Wolf In A Bear Suit]

And remember if they take out a restraining order, they're just playing hard to get, You should make a grand gesture, like stealing her cat and when she goes crazy looking for it, bring it back. You'll be a hero.

Only after you've turned it into a hat. Chicks dig hats.

I can see this being a horrofying sequel to Cat in the Hat.

 

[artanis_neravar]

Honestly, sometimes I look at the advice you guys give each other and it's like you're trying to sabotage each other.

How dare you?! Now excuse me while I go tell a friend the best way to get a girl is to grab her ass.

I don't think they are actively trying to sabotage each other, so much as they actually believe their advice works

My boyfriend was unemployed when I met him, so jobs don't really matter. They do to some people, but don't automatically count yourself out just for not having one or not having a good one.

I am unemployed,and as a result I don't feel comfortable asking someone else to let me into their life until I get mine straightened out. So it could be something like that for him.

 

[siomasm]

DO NOT OVERTHINK! Everyone is their own worst critic, and people are often far more self absorbed in reflection of their own actions than those of others. In other words, ever had a moment where "Oh crap did I just ____ I hope no one noticed"? Unless you just shat your pants in public, chances are most people won't even notice the little things.

It's very difficult to explain confidence, but thinking on it I would have to guess my most easily explicable way of changing from shy guy to confident guy was in public speaking. Through most of school I was quiet and awkward, if I had to speak in front of the class I would often stutter or lose train of thought and end up working so hard to "recover" that it would only make things worse.
What I discovered is that if you simply continue on like nothing happened, no one really picks up on the fact that you screwed up in the first place. "Proper" confidence is like "Proper" bravery, as opposed to arrogance to confidence and stupidity to bravery. Bravery is about still feeling fear, but acting as you know you must regardless. In that sense confidence is not about not screwing up or not caring, but continuing on anyhow because you need to.

Never underestimate body language, and also to be frank younger girls also love to play "games" that you need be aware of. There are so many nuances to go over...I could probably write a book on it

 

[tautologico]

But going back to the issue I seem to be alone in. It's that I have never met a single girl I've been able to connect with. Not the one. I have never talked to a girl about something I like to talk about. They have all so far been obnoxious, irritating and not very intelligent.

That is with the one exception of my niece, who's a smart nerdy type.

Spoiler: Yeah.

How the FUCKING hell am I EVER going to find someone of the opposite gender, at least a little bit attractive, smart and with the same psychological disturbance as myself?!

I hear that there's this thing called the Internet where you can meet people...

No, seriously, it has helped me to meet interesting people. I'd say to not go around trying to find a girl to date, just try to find people you'd like to hang out with, not only girls. People you'd find interesting probably know more people you'd find interesting, and after some socializing and knowing new people eventually you'll find some girl you'd like to date. Sometimes this whole process can take some time, but it has been worth to me. I met my wife through "internet friends" I made in film discussion groups, who I met in person after months of online contact.

 

[Karlaxx]

I'm not so shy in the general social sense anymore, but romantically I'm just as cold a fish as ever. I'm in my senior year of high school and age 18; It's probably going to be college before I find myself a girl, because I'm extremely hesitant to let feeling of romantic attraction towards anyone younger than me fester, and every female I know is either 1)in the aforementioned category 2) taken or 3) otherwise not for me. I've tried flailing about and asking after anyone I thought was awesome, but that just led to shame, embarassment, and general distrust of my own judgement.
In any case, it won't be more than a few months before I never see any of them again. If I've made it this far, I can wait that long for a blank slate.

 

[kyuzo3567]

How long do you have to "fake it till you make it".
I've been following that exact same advice you have given for about four years and yet I've never once even gone on a date with somebody. So how FUCKING long does it take to get somewhere.
You know you can only stand being rejected so many times intill you contemplate killing someone/killing yourself. Why do I have to be the one to make the first move , once just for one fucking time why can't someone ask me out/start a conversation with me for a change.

It's right in the phrase... you fake it till you make it. If you haven't made it yet then keep faking it. Eventually you'll either end up being a real confident person, or you'll get into a relationship and you'll end up feeling more confident just by being in a relationship. Good luck with it, it can take a long time but don't give up trying

 

[Lilani]

I'm not so shy in the general social sense anymore, but romantically I'm just as cold a fish as ever. I'm in my senior year of high school and age 18; It's probably going to be college before I find myself a girl, because I'm extremely hesitant to let feeling of romantic attraction towards anyone younger than me fester, and every female I know is either 1)in the aforementioned category 2) taken or 3) otherwise not for me. I've tried flailing about and asking after anyone I thought was awesome, but that just led to shame, embarassment, and general distrust of my own judgement.
In any case, it won't be more than a few months before I never see any of them again. If I've made it this far, I can wait that long for a blank slate.

Bah, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. I am a female in college myself and I never had a boyfriend all through high school, hell I didn't want one in high school. There were only about two guys I ever had a crush on in gradeschool, and one ended up gay and the other was already taken. All the other guys at school were just...meh.

Now I'm a senior in college, and I am currently with my second boyfriend.

The best advice I can give you is put yourself in situations to meet people you have something in common with. In college, look for clubs you might be interested in. Tabletop game clubs, anime clubs, video game clubs, art clubs, church groups, whatever. The great thing about clubs is you already know you have at least one thing in common with everybody who is there. I met my first boyfriend through an anime club, and my second boyfriend through a church group (and he's in anime club, as well). While I cannot guarantee you will find somebody there, it will put you at a great advantage and if nothing else get you networked with some good batches of friends.

And my only warning with that is don't go in there and go after every human being in there with lady parts. Make friends first, and then start to decide if you want to pursue them further. And even if they aren't the right person for you, make sure you still value their friendship. It is perfectly possible to have female friends you're just friends with.

This may sound like obvious advice to you: "Don't hit on everything that moves, don't throw away their friendship just because they won't go out with you." But I'm just saying all this to cover all my bases--there are some guys who will sabotage perfectly good friendships if they can't get a girlfriend out of them. I have no reason to believe you are one of those sad people, but unfortunately some guys start to do weird things when you tell them "Be friends before asking the girl out."

 

[Karlaxx]

I'm not so shy in the general social sense anymore, but romantically I'm just as cold a fish as ever. I'm in my senior year of high school and age 18; It's probably going to be college before I find myself a girl, because I'm extremely hesitant to let feeling of romantic attraction towards anyone younger than me fester, and every female I know is either 1)in the aforementioned category 2) taken or 3) otherwise not for me. I've tried flailing about and asking after anyone I thought was awesome, but that just led to shame, embarassment, and general distrust of my own judgement.
In any case, it won't be more than a few months before I never see any of them again. If I've made it this far, I can wait that long for a blank slate.

Bah, I wouldn't worry about it if I were you. I am a female in college myself and I never had a boyfriend all through high school, hell I didn't want one in high school. There were only about two guys I ever had a crush on in gradeschool, and one ended up gay and the other was already taken. All the other guys at school were just...meh.

Now I'm a senior in college, and I am currently with my second boyfriend.

The best advice I can give you is put yourself in situations to meet people you have something in common with. In college, look for clubs you might be interested in. Tabletop game clubs, anime clubs, video game clubs, art clubs, church groups, whatever. The great thing about clubs is you already know you have at least one thing in common with everybody who is there. I met my first boyfriend through an anime club, and my second boyfriend through a church group (and he's in anime club, as well). While I cannot guarantee you will find somebody there, it will put you at a great advantage and if nothing else get you networked with some good batches of friends.

And my only warning with that is don't go in there and go after every human being in there with lady parts. Make friends first, and then start to decide if you want to pursue them further. And even if they aren't the right person for you, make sure you still value their friendship. It is perfectly possible to have female friends you're just friends with.

This may sound like obvious advice to you: "Don't hit on everything that moves, don't throw away their friendship just because they won't go out with you." But I'm just saying all this to cover all my bases--there are some guys who will sabotage perfectly good friendships if they can't get a girlfriend out of them. I have no reason to believe you are one of those sad people, but unfortunately some guys start to do weird things when you tell them "Be friends before asking the girl out."

(I would have snipped this, but it wasn't cooperating.)
That was essentially the plan! If nothing else I believe I've learned from my experiences- sometimes all of the perceived failure gets to me, but at the end of the day I'm hopeful. I appreciate the time you put into constructing that reply, though. That was a nice thing to see on a dreary day.