Are You a Shy Guy? (Girl Problems Thread)

[Lilani]

Why? Why would you want to do that? Feeling uncomfortable approaching someone you don't know and probably have nothing in common with doesn't make you shy- just reasonable. You have no reason to like her except you think she's physically attractive and you frequently find yourselves in the same location. The second point will just make things incredibly awkward if approaching her doesn't work out.

Yeah, I was beginning to think that as well. Perhaps it's because it's never happened to me, but I've never seen how people can actually think they are romantically attracted to someone they've never met or had a conversation with. I mean physical attraction is perfectly understandable, but compatibility wise? You've got no fucking clue. I can't help but see a situation like the OP's and wonder if they are conflating physical attraction and real romantic chemistry.

I mean something could come out of it, but nowadays most women are more than a bit leery of a total stranger asking them out on a date. Becoming friends and then seeing what happens is a much more natural way to go about it. Because even if it doesn't work out, you've still got a good friend. And don't anybody dare mention the friend zone to me unless you want a good long tirade on why that is a bunch of bullshit.

 

[CardinalPiggles]

I'm not only shy around strangers (not just girls, but guys too (I'm heterosexual just FYI)), but I'm also naturally quiet anyway, so I find it very hard to talk to people I don't know. I'm one of those people who can't stand saying the wrong thing, giving the wrong impression. Very self conscious about that stuff.

Surprisingly to me, I have no love interests at the moment.

As for OP, you want a way to get her attention, without seeming like you are something you're not. For example, going over and saying 'Hey baby, wanna ride with me' might fly if she believes you, but it won't last because it's not who you are (from the sounds of things).

You need to think of a way to get her attention without breaking out of your comfort zone. Being nice to her when she wants it especially.

 

[Calibanbutcher]

You made me laugh out loud on the cinema . Thanks . I'm typing this in my phone , funny stuff .

On behalf of all movie goers:
Put your fucking phone away, phones in cinema are fucking annoying and I have not paid good money to watch a movie so people with phones around me can post status updates on their f*cking phones and completely destroy the atmosphere.
So put the f*cking phone away and stop being inconsiderate in cinemas.

You deserve punishment for that, so consider yourself internet-pinched.

sweet jesus, as much as no one likes someone on their phone during a movie, i swear it's a European thing, every time i see a European rage about this it sounds like they are going to lynch the person for such a simple thing. (once again, i'm not saying the person should be on their phone in the slightest, but for as many gun nutz as america has it seems like europe has an equal amount of movie going lynchers)

1. It really is terribly annoying to be in a cinema with someone who insists on using their phone during the film. I paid money to enjoy myself and you are doing your part in diminishing the joy I get from watching the film.

2. Did you really just compare people being very enthusiastic about extremely dangerous lethal weapons to people being annoyed by others misbehaving in cinema?
Seems a bit far fetched to me...

eh that was meant more as a light joke, seeing as how you said "they deserve to get pinched", i was making a joke to the extremism of all of Americans and their guns, but i guess the extremist correlation didn't roll over well.

(and when you say pinched, i'm assuming you mean the slang version of getting arrested.)


my mistake.

Ah, then we were both joking, kindof, withouth the other one getting the joke...

For the record:
When I say he deserved to be "internet-pinched", I was not referring to him deserving being arrested but rather that he should be pinched, which seemed a suitable punishment for his crimes against humanity.

 

[cerebreturns]

Go up to a chick you meet on the bus cause shes pretty, sure, doesn't sound creepy at all...

I really hope you get off the bus BEFORE her, otherwise it's going to look even MORE creepy.


You should join social interaction, groups, clubs, meetings, movie nights, join friends and get in their social circle, meet people online. All those require you getting to know people a bit BEFORE you walk up and go "hi, my names so and so, i see you around, whats yours? lets get to know each other"

Because you know what that comes off as? "I have no clue at all the sort of person you are because the only thing I know about you is what you look like. And you look like someone I would like to bone, do you like starting friendships and possibly more with guys who approach you simply because of your looks? If so great! If not...let me brace for rejection".



Unless your whole approach is "we both ride the bus/train, man our lives are amazing arn't they? I'm miserable and hopefuly you are, want to sleep together?"

 

[Loonyyy]

PS. To those that go; "Just talk to her, what's the worse that could happen?", the answer is 'losing hope'.
As long as we don't talk to her, there's always that chance, that slight possibility that, however improbable, if we did approach, she might say yes. Somehow we trick our selfs into thinking that that tiniest sliver of hope is better than getting shot down and moving on.
It is extremely stupid, I know.

It's not stupid. Some people call it a "Scarcity" mentality. You get worried that if you fuck it up with this awesome chick (She must be awesome, you like her, right?), there'll be no other, so you can't jeopordise that.

But it really does come down to that cliche "There's plenty of fish in the sea". And you'll catch more if you use a dragnet than if you use a line, and more if you use a line, than if you wait for them to come to you and serve themselves up to you on a platter.

It kinda sucks in this regard being a guy. Most of us aren't going to be approached (I've tallied 3 times. None of them ended well [I got punched for telling a drunk chick who tried to give me a lap dance that my friend really liked her piercings and sending her his way, before legging it. He has a good arm. Another was exceptionally drunk and tried to chat me up, with her dress caught up past her underwear. To which I politely declined, and suggested she get some water. Or the chick who went to the trouble of chatting me up and dancing with me before spontaneously making out with me, before disappearing and making out with my mate. Clubs are interesting places.]), and I'm sure there's been many more girls interested in me than I've approached. But, that's the way it rolls, so we have to deal with it.

You seem like a pretty cool guy, and those stories would make great conversation. Just got to know how to segue.

 

[Lonewolfm16]

Well I would offer my advice, but I am younger, less experienced, and probably worse at this so that would be like the pot calling the kettle black... or maybe telling the kettle how to stop being black... I don't know where I`m going with this metaphor, but here goes on adding my need for advice to the thread.
I am not really shy, honestly I am a bit of a know-it-all and rarely shut up when something I like to talk about comes up. But I am not precisely good at social situations. Currently I have a crush on this girl, who is pretty close to me. She is one of my best friends, and in debate club with me. I am fairly positive she doesn't know I like her, as at one point she mistakenly thought I was asexual, and even once she knew I wasn't we had a conversation about a guy we both know who she dislikes for a number of reasons, by partially because he hit on her creepily, and when I asked if it would be equally creepy if I did it she said "no, because I know your not sexually attracted to me." It took alot of willpower not to break out laughing at that point. She also said, later, that it would be fine if I was sexually attracted to her, and on a unrelated note told a story about a guy she dated who was friends with her for a long long time first. I am also pretty sure that she isn't attracted to me, as her behavior is more consistent with a more "just a friend" mentality. Still, we have a thing to go to in a few days, so if all goes well and it comes up I will tell her how I feel. I am pretty sure it will fail, but I feel like its something she might want to know, and that it won't hurt either. There is also a girl she knows who has a crush on me, but we have yet to meet (which is driving me crazy). Actually I really like the idea of knowing a girl is interested before-hand so you don't have to desperately try and figure out how she feels about you, when you can't read people at all. Hopefully that goes well.

 

[gmaverick019_v1legacy]

You made me laugh out loud on the cinema . Thanks . I'm typing this in my phone , funny stuff .

On behalf of all movie goers:
Put your fucking phone away, phones in cinema are fucking annoying and I have not paid good money to watch a movie so people with phones around me can post status updates on their f*cking phones and completely destroy the atmosphere.
So put the f*cking phone away and stop being inconsiderate in cinemas.

You deserve punishment for that, so consider yourself internet-pinched.

sweet jesus, as much as no one likes someone on their phone during a movie, i swear it's a European thing, every time i see a European rage about this it sounds like they are going to lynch the person for such a simple thing. (once again, i'm not saying the person should be on their phone in the slightest, but for as many gun nutz as america has it seems like europe has an equal amount of movie going lynchers)

1. It really is terribly annoying to be in a cinema with someone who insists on using their phone during the film. I paid money to enjoy myself and you are doing your part in diminishing the joy I get from watching the film.

2. Did you really just compare people being very enthusiastic about extremely dangerous lethal weapons to people being annoyed by others misbehaving in cinema?
Seems a bit far fetched to me...

eh that was meant more as a light joke, seeing as how you said "they deserve to get pinched", i was making a joke to the extremism of all of Americans and their guns, but i guess the extremist correlation didn't roll over well.

(and when you say pinched, i'm assuming you mean the slang version of getting arrested.)


my mistake.

Ah, then we were both joking, kindof, withouth the other one getting the joke...

For the record:
When I say he deserved to be "internet-pinched", I was not referring to him deserving being arrested but rather that he should be pinched, which seemed a suitable punishment for his crimes against humanity.

ah whoops, looks like i read too much into it there and assumed the wrong pinched >_<

pinch away good sir, particularly go for a turtle pinch if you can (i'm not sure if you even know what a turtle pinch is or if that's what they might call it in Germany, but bloody hell do those hurt and break skin if done right.)

 

[lRookiel]

I'm about as shy as you can get.

The only reason I've made any friends is because THEY broke the silence. If a girl becomes my friend it's because she was a friend with one of my male friends.

Now I feel sad :*3

 

[shrekfan246]

1. It really is terribly annoying to be in a cinema with someone who insists on using their phone during the film. I paid money to enjoy myself and you are doing your part in diminishing the joy I get from watching the film.

He just said he was at the cinema, not in a movie. I don't know about you, but my friend and I tend to get to the theater at least half an hour early so we've got plenty of time to find the best seats before everyone else has crowded in there.

OT: As terrifying a prospect as it is to "talk to her", not doing so and losing the chance forever will just end with you feeling regret about it later on down the road. Trust me, I missed tons of similar chances when I was younger, because I was introverted and quiet, and hated myself enough that I didn't believe anybody could be interested in me. And looking back on it now, I had tons of opportunities. There were girls who outright expressed interest in me and I responded by being a cold fish, unable to advance any further myself.

All I can really hope for myself is that I won't squander any chances if they come up again.

 

[Terminal Blue]

I take the train to work about 3 times a week, and there isnt a single time where I dont see this one pretty girl every time as im coming back home, I dont want to freak her out so I dont make eye contact, she looks a little older than me (about 25, Im 22) and I have no idea on a way to approach her, and im not sure if shes noticed me or not... help?

Well.. for starters, get it into your head that she's not a big deal. She's a good looking person you don't know, she's probably vapid and obnoxious and if she's not she's probably in a relationship. Really, the chances of anything you do in this situation going anywhere are tiny. If you're hyping it up and turning it into your one chance for true happiness (which I know you're not really, but I'm exaggerating) then you're going to find it hard, because the reality will never live up.

But you're not going to know until you try.

You don't have to "fake confidence", honestly if you want to make yourself come off like a potential stalker faking confidence is definitely the way to go. If you can bring yourself to talk to a complete stranger, you don't need to fake confidence because you already have it. That's really all confidence is, and it's all it takes to stop being shy. I have no confidence issues and I find it really hard to start up conversations with complete strangers, it's perfectly normal to feel like it's a difficult thing to do because it is. But it gets easier when you're not stuck in some fantasy of meeting your ideal partner randomly on a train.

Fantasies are all well and good, they're very safe and you don't ever have to compromise or risk getting hurt, but they're no substitute for reality and really.. once you're not hung up on your fantasies any more, the power of reality to actually hurt you is pretty minor. It's only disappointment which stings.

The actual thing which distinguishes "cute awkward guy" from "traincreep mcmurderface" is entirely down to how willing you are to treat women like real human beings and not unobtainable fantasies who will drop their pants if you enter the right cheat code. "I'm not the right kind of person and therefore bitches won't like me no matter what I do" is the most pathetic excuse on Earth, it's missing the point so hard the point may as well be on one of the moons of Jupiter.

 

[Bestival]

You seem like a pretty cool guy, and those stories would make great conversation. Just got to know how to segue.

Oh god, that reminds me of another story.

Once at work some girls were trying to embarrass a coworker, so they told me, the only guy in that day's crew, that she thought I was cool. I replied with a thumbs up, which was met with many a laughter and one of them went; "Yeah, see, that was a really cool way to respond."

But it wasn't, truth was I was just too flabbergasted by the compliment to respond at all, especially verbally. The thumbs up was just my brain going Code Red and throwing out the first thing it could come up with.

In many ways I'm like Ted in Scrubs.

"She knows my name! Give her anything she wants!"

 

[Not Matt]

talk to her. there really isn't any other way. dive in to a conversation (not literally offcorse if she is having a conversation with someone else. that would be creepy). ask her something

Also, try to make her laugh, if you can make a girl laugh, she won't seem so scary to talk to

 

[AgentNein]

I take the train to work about 3 times a week, and there isnt a single time where I dont see this one pretty girl every time as im coming back home, I dont want to freak her out so I dont make eye contact, she looks a little older than me (about 25, Im 22) and I have no idea on a way to approach her, and im not sure if shes noticed me or not... help?

Is there anything between you two besides a few feet of air and fear?

How about saying you've noticed her and would like to have a conversation? It would then be prudent of you to have a few conversations handy; such as trains, riding trains, the different people who ride trains, why she is riding the train, if she likes trains, and/or whether or not she would like to assist you in robbing the train.

Goddamnit LISTEN TO THIS MAN.

Fuck dating, rob trains. You can have ALL the trains.

 

[OmniscientOstrich]

Spoiler

Yeah, I'm definitely the shy type. Initiating conversation with strangers is like pulling teeth for me, I'm more or less fine with talking to people, but I need somebody else to get the ball rolling. When it comes to talking to unfamiliar girls, I kind of have this permanently running in the back of my mind:

Spoiler

It doesn't matter if I'm attracted to them or not, I just have this paranoia that they think I'm just trying to hit on them and that I'm just being an invasive nuisance. I mean from their perspective it's like 'I don't know you, why the hell are you talking to me?' Again, I'm okay (more or less, can still be pretty awkward) when someone else is at least starting things off I just hate having to approach random people...so I basically just don't. I know it's something I'll just have to suck up and get over eventually, but for the time being I can't see myself doing it whilst sober. This isn't about relationship issues for me so much as it is a confidence issue in general. I mean I already know the reason I'm not in a relationship (okay, there's a fucking laundry list of good reasons why no guy/girl/theoretical alien life-form would want to date me, but this is the main one) and that's because I make no effort whatsoever to initiate one which is in turn because I have no idea whether I actually want one or just like the idea of it. I'm sure I could fine somebody out there with low enough standards to be with me if I put in any modicum of effort towards that goal (not with ease mind you), but I just don't know if it's something that would actually make me happier or just cause me more stress. I've kind of forgotten where I was going with this, but at any rate I really need to work on dealing with people better.

 

[rosac]

I used to be shy, then I kind of had a moment where I realised, screw it. I threw my old personality aside, started making conversation with people, making friends and meeting girls. I'm still a virgin (In bed with 3 girls, got cockblocked by nature. I'm not rafting up the red river.) But I keep getting with girls, and I pull every now and again. One of my hints for pulling in clubs is DON'T ACTIVELY TRY AND PULL. or at least, don't make it obvious. It just makes you look incredibly desperate and will probably ruin your night if you don't pull. Instead, just go out, have a laugh with your mates, maybe make a few subtle moves, and if it happens, it happens.

For your situation, maybe just sit next to her or in front of her one day? Try to not blush too much and see what her reaction is.

P.s. This is just rough advice for a situation I've never ever found myself in. please have this bucket of salt.

 

[Pessimismus]

I know everyone keeps repeating this and will continue to repeat it, but I feel the need to mention this as well: confidence will do a lot, if not most of the work. I myself have tremendous self-esteem issues and confident has never been something that I am. I can get behind the whole thought-pattern of the vicious cycle of 'I have no confidence because girls don't like me because I have no confidence because...', because I've been there (and pretty much still am) myself.

There's a girl I've been in love with for three years now and she was the first person I've ever decided to try something with, simply because she made me feel better about myself (she virtually pulled me out of my depression) but despite several 'almost there' moments, we still can't get beyond the whole 'just friends' situation. Every time things were looking up, I managed to pretty much ruin it due to my excessive lack of self-esteem and extreme self-loathing. After a while she gave up trying to get me to like myself more and there's even recently been a period where we were constantly argueing, forcing us to go from 'best friends' to 'casual friends'.

Despite everything we are still friends and I'm slowly learning to be more confident which will hopefully eventually restore my friendship with her, although I very much doubt either one of us will try anything in terms of romance towards one another again (and naturally I doubt I'll be able to ever go for it with someone else as long as I harbour feelings for my friend). My point is, if you're not confident, you can make pretty much everything in life a whole lot harder for yourself.

To put things in perspective: I'm a 22 year old male who has never had any real romantic relationship with any woman and has yet to even kiss a girl (hugging is as close to sex as I've ever gotten). I've been told by several girls that I am actually fairly attractive but my low self-esteem pretty much revolts any girl I try to come close to.

 

[sumanoskae]

My problem with girls? I suspect all the girls that have been attracted to me thought of me in a romantic manner, a sentiment I did not share; I don't know why it seems to come so easily to so any people. If we're just talking NSA sex, I'm down, but I'm not sure that's the case, and I'm not gonna lie just to get laid.

OP: The bus thing? There's your answer right there, make eye contact, see how she reacts; the worst that could happen is she assumes you're some kind of serial rapist for some bizarre reason and never speaks to you, which assures you her standards of judgement are unreasonable anyways.

 

[NightHawk21]

See, here's the thing that always gets me a little annoyed when it comes to relationship advice. Everyone always says "you need to be confident" but I'm already 22, still a virgin, can't seem to get my foot in any door let alone a promising one regarding jobs, and I can't even manage being "normal", let alone charming. What on earth do I have to be confident about? Aren't people who go around acting like they're fucking great when they're pretty much shit insanely annoying?

Fake confidence. Seriously it works . You'll start off faking , and slowly become more confident . Honestly , try it , it works . Be brave . Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are awsome. And you will believe your awsome . And it will show in your demenor .

Lying to yourself is very effective for your to believe what your saying . It you do it enough .. You will believe it .

I can vouch for this. You gotta carry an air of confidence. It does wonders (even if like myself you are really unconfident on the inside). My problem is that I can put on this fake air, but I since it isn't real I don't have the balls to take any next steps. Still has done wonders for my social life in regards to where I was less than a year ago.

Captcha: baby steps

Captcha is getting creepy accurate

 

[Dalisclock]

My turn : i'm extremely attracted to my ex-assistant manager ( i quit ) . I have a feeling she has a thing for me to . She is about 20 years my senior . The problem is . A) She's married B) she has children my age . I want to invite her for lunch or dinner . I have her number , and i know she talks about me since i left . I just don't know how to approach this ? Should i ask her in person? Should i call her? Should i do it while she's at work? At home ? Do i just say it's a friendly lunch? Do i tell her i want to go on a date with her? Do i drop the idea completly?How do i ask her out?

I think you answered your own question when you said "She's Married". Thus, the answer is: Leave it alone. When was the last time you heard of any relationship made better by cheating(for anyone invovled)?

 

[Total LOLige]

Go up to a chick you meet on the bus cause shes pretty, sure, doesn't sound creepy at all...

I really hope you get off the bus BEFORE her, otherwise it's going to look even MORE creepy.


You should join social interaction, groups, clubs, meetings, movie nights, join friends and get in their social circle, meet people online. All those require you getting to know people a bit BEFORE you walk up and go "hi, my names so and so, i see you around, whats yours? lets get to know each other"

Because you know what that comes off as? "I have no clue at all the sort of person you are because the only thing I know about you is what you look like. And you look like someone I would like to bone, do you like starting friendships and possibly more with guys who approach you simply because of your looks? If so great! If not...let me brace for rejection".



Unless your whole approach is "we both ride the bus/train, man our lives are amazing arn't they? I'm miserable and hopefuly you are, want to sleep together?"

Don't listen to this dude he hasn't got a clue. I've found that people that have the 'talking to strangers is creepy' mentality are either creepy or don't handle social situations well, I'm not saying that about you(cerebreturns) though because I don't know you. If strangers didn't talk to each other, we'd all be alone. As long as you don't approach someone in a creepy manner you're not going to be viewed as a creep, you'll just be viewed as 'a friendly stranger that spoke to me'. Even if you get shot down there's no reason why you can't be friends with a familiar stranger. So, OP my advice is just talk to her and see where it goes, you might end up romantically involved or just friends. Who knows she may have a friend that's perfect for you.