Best insult comebacks

[Booze Zombie]

My friend and some fellow were having a big old arguement and the closing two lines are:

Him: "Yeah? Well, at least my parents didn't try to abort me!"

Friend: "At least my parents could afford to try."

I think you can guess why they're the last two lines.

 

[EvilDarkMagicians.]

Here's something for the ladies, even though there are no girls on the interwebz. That's a conspiracy theory, right?

Man: Hey, haven't I seen you somewhere?
Lady: That's exactly why I didn't go back.

 

[Beastialman]

On Gaylo 2 (before 360) I was playing Team Slayer and some guy on the enemy team had an irritating buzz. After my team won I asked the guy "What's that buzzing in the background?"

Guy: It's your vibrator.

He then left, I sent him a message asking why my vibrator was doing at his house.

 

[EvilDarkMagicians.]

On Gaylo 2 (before 360) I was playing Team Slayer and some guy on the enemy team had an irritating buzz. After my team won I asked the guy "What's that buzzing in the background?"

Guy: It's your vibrator.

He then left, I sent him a message asking why my vibrator was doing at his house.

What's Gaylo? Some kind of cream?

 

[Timotei]

When one of my debate opponent started calling me a "fag who shall be banished to the depths of hell for supporting gay marriage," I simply pinched the bridge of my nose and said:

"Debating with you is like bieng on my period".

 

[Beastialman]

On Gaylo 2 (before 360) I was playing Team Slayer and some guy on the enemy team had an irritating buzz. After my team won I asked the guy "What's that buzzing in the background?"

Guy: It's your vibrator.

He then left, I sent him a message asking why my vibrator was doing at his house.

What's Gaylo? Some kind of cream?

What I mockingly call Halo 2 (I like the game, I just like to put gay it things I can get away with).

GAYNADE GET DOWN!

 

[EvilDarkMagicians.]

On Gaylo 2 (before 360) I was playing Team Slayer and some guy on the enemy team had an irritating buzz. After my team won I asked the guy "What's that buzzing in the background?"

Guy: It's your vibrator.

He then left, I sent him a message asking why my vibrator was doing at his house.

What's Gaylo? Some kind of cream?

What I mockingly call Halo 2 (I like the game, I just like to put gay it things I can get away with).

GAYNADE GET DOWN!

Gaynade... Gaylo... is there something you need to tell us?

 

[Soxafloppin]

This only happened the other day.

We were sitting in class writing away, and my friend lifts his head up and says "Your ears are pretty big". I lifted mine and said "Your hair looks like pubes" (it realy does).

 

[YouCallMeNighthawk]

I love it when people try and insult you and you just agree and go along with what they say slowly getting them so frustrated they storm off in a huff! HAHA!

 

[Magnesium360]

HIM: "Sarcasm is the lowest form of wit"
YOU: "Well I try to cater for my audience"
doesn't come up to often but it's good when it does.
Onetime they didn't get it so that was something else to be sarcastic about.
Like any comeback though, it's less witty the more you use it.

 

[RaphaelsRedemption]

People say: "so.. what are YOU on?"

I respond: "lithium"

They stop, gather their thoughts, and then ask: "oh, why?"

I (deadpan): "otherwise I become suicidal. Got a problem with that?"

If they ever do, no-one has yet said so.

 

[Superior Mind]

Got a joke for ya.

This man took his young son to the circus. There were clowns and animals and acrobats. In one of the acts the lights dimmed and a clown started wandering around the audience. It stopped by the man.
"Are you an Elephant?"
"No." replied the man.
"Are you a Lion?"
"No." he replied again.
"Then you must be a horses arse!"
The crowd started laughing. The poor man was terribly humiliated in front of his son.
He lay awake thinking about his humiliation for a week afterwards until one day he decided that enough was enough. He enrolled at a University to do a paper on snappy comebacks. He got a degree in three years but wasn't satisfied. He opted to do a doctorate, after five years publishing a paper entitled "How to deliver a snappy comeback to a Clown". After earning his doctorate his paper was a huge success and he built a farly good career out of talking to classes of students on how to deliver snappy comebacks.
a few years later the same circus came to his home town. The man took his son, now in his late teens to see the show for old time's sake. Low in behold after seeing some clowns and animals and acrobats the lights dimmed and the same clown started wandering through the audience. It stopped by the man.
"Are you an Elephant?"
"No." replied the man.
'Are you a Lion?"
"No." he replied again.
"Then you must be a horses arse!"
The crowd erupted in laughter agin. The man turned to his son and winked.
"Watch this."

"Hey! Fuck you Clown!"

 

[Mr. Cheese]

1:I'm not going to take your insolence sitting down!
2:Your hemorrhoids are flaring up again, eh?

 

[ace_of_something]

Maybe you should stop waving it around like a feather duster.

 

[DragonsAteMyMarbles]

"My word, was that a complete sentence? Well done!"

 

[Zersy]

"You F%cking Blowjob !"

It works

 

[Byere]

I think my best one was that I was talking to an old lady at work about football/Soccer (it was about the time of the last World Cup). When I said I wasn't interested in it, she asked what I liked to do in free time. I said I liked to play video games. She, very snottily, said "When any old person can press buttons" to which I just turned to her, handed her her change and said "Well any 3-year old can kick a ball round a field". She gave me the nastiest look and just stormed away.

 

[ShogunGino]

Spoiler: My friend said this once. Little bit NSFW.

If I wanted a comeback, I'd just wipe it off your face.

I was introduced to this one a few years ago, but a bit different.

Spoiler: A bit NSFW.

If I wanted my comeback, I'd wipe it off your girlfriend's ass.

 

[Custard_Angel]

1: You aren't a very nice person
2: And you aren't very attractive.

1: How can you listen to that crap? It's not even music. (metal)
2: RA RA RA AH AH AH, ROMA RO MA MA, GAGA OOH LA LA

 

[Byere]

On Gaylo 2 (before 360) I was playing Team Slayer and some guy on the enemy team had an irritating buzz. After my team won I asked the guy "What's that buzzing in the background?"

Guy: It's your vibrator.

He then left, I sent him a message asking why my vibrator was doing at his house.

What's Gaylo? Some kind of cream?

What I mockingly call Halo 2 (I like the game, I just like to put gay it things I can get away with).

GAYNADE GET DOWN!

Gaynade... Gaylo... is there something you need to tell us?

Well, they do say that people who use homosexual slang to insult others are usually just hiding it from themselves...