Center for Disease Control Reveals Zombie Apocalypse Plan

[Earnest Cavalli]

Center for Disease Control Reveals Zombie Apocalypse Plan

Bad news: hell is full and the dead are walking the earth. Good news: the government has a plan.

Despite a reputation for laziness and incompetence, government agencies pride themselves on being prepared for any eventuality. The Center for Disease Control is no exception, and its latest blog entry is proof of that.

Following a brief rundown on the "whats and whys" of zombies, the post outlines the United States government's official plan in the event that hordes of shambling corpses start hungering for our delicious brains:

If zombies did start roaming the streets, CDC would conduct an investigation much like any other disease outbreak. CDC would provide technical assistance to cities, states, or international partners dealing with a zombie infestation. This assistance might include consultation, lab testing and analysis, patient management and care, tracking of contacts, and infection control (including isolation and quarantine). It's likely that an investigation of this scenario would seek to accomplish several goals: determine the cause of the illness, the source of the infection/virus/toxin, learn how it is transmitted and how readily it is spread, how to break the cycle of transmission and thus prevent further cases, and how patients can best be treated.

Admittedly, what the plan lacks in weaponized Servbot heads [http://www.amazon.com/Zombie-Survival-Guide-Complete-Protection/dp/1400049628/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1305754252&sr=8-2], it more than makes up for in being incredibly dull.

The dark truth here is that the CDC has concealed a general purpose disaster preparedness primer in the geek-friendly camouflage of ambulatory, rotting corpses. Teaching people how to prepare for earthquakes and tornadoes is a great idea, but co-opting the memetic love we all share for zombies just feels like a violation of our geek trust tantamount to Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave [http://www.amazon.com/Return-Living-Dead-Rave-Grave/dp/B000M9BPFI/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305755565&sr=1-1-catcorr].

Our government should be ashamed of itself.

Source: Center for Disease Control [http://blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2011/05/preparedness-101-zombie-apocalypse/]

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[Eri]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

 

[Rhinzual26]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

Bullet to the head is very difficult against a moving target a good distance away if you're not using a scoped weapon and are trained to do so.

Plus, walking corpses still decompose and rot very quickly, then there's winter and how Cracked pointed out the whole zombie apocalypse scenario isn't logically possible.

 

[Twilight_guy]

The government rolls its eyes pats meme frothing people on the head and gives a general purpose plan for infection control (This plan can be used for any unknown disease) and you get your panties in a twist. People are far too obsessed with zombies on the internet. Its seriously reaching the point of necrophilia or maybe super-Necrophilia. The government doesn't have a plan for zombies the same way it doesn't have a plan for extra-dimensional aliens, its very unlikely. Sorry to be a party-killer but hundreds of zombies threads and news posts have made me put on my serious face here.

 

[Frostlich1228]

wow....the government is thinking about this and not gas prices?
oh well if it happens i,ll need to get the chainsaw motercycle again.

 

[Eri]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

Bullet to the head is very difficult against a moving target a good distance away if you're not using a scoped weapon and are trained to do so.

Plus, walking corpses still decompose and rot very quickly, then there's winter and how Cracked pointed out the whole zombie apocalypse scenario isn't logically possible.

"Patient" implies someone already infected and under the care of doctors.

 

[Easton Dark]

wow....the government is thinking about this and not gas prices?
oh well if it happens i,ll need to get the chainsaw motercycle again.

Well it's not like the CDC can do much for gas prices. Plus if gas prices are so high, would the chainsaw motorcycle really be feasible? Sounds expensive to me.

OT: Good old government. Making even the most exciting things seem dull and pointless. Sounds like people who read the Zombie Survival Guide would be doing a better job in the zombie outbreak than the CDC, and doing it with more bullets.

 

[emeraldrafael]

So we'd expect help months after its already bad. Good to know.

Actually, being serious for a moment, when is enough enough? I mean, this zombie business is getting ridiculous. Its one thing to talk about it on the internet, or to make a humourous book about it. But this is just being too much.

besides, I cant wait to see how much hte government wasted on this little endeavor.

 

[ChieftainStag]

I demand to know why "Mutation" isn't on the list of what it could be. (see Freaks from Crackdown 2)

 

[FalloutJack]

Well, whatever happens, I know the CDC will take any emergent zombie behavior rather seriously. After all, their motto is...

 

[Therumancer]

I won't get into the nuts and bolts of a Zombie Apocolypse, how the movie scenarios aren't remotely possible, and conversely how something similar to such a scenario could occur or be justified, but it would be irrelevent.

I understand the response they are giving, and why, but at the same time it disturbs me that they don't have a better plan other than a very generalized and common sense response that would also contribute to the survivors (and themselves) being overrun due to it's impracticality.

Both the Nazis and the Russians during the Cold War (and allegedly the Chinese today) have experimented with the idea of using sound waves to drive people into permanant, insane, violent rages. I suspect to some extent this was the inspiration for things like "28 days later" even if that used a disease as the catalyst. The idea being that you could say get an insulated tank, drive it up to a crowd of people and have it broadcast sound that would permanantly destroy parts of the brainc ausing them to all go insane and attack each other. Sort of like what can reportedly happen to a dog if you say lock it in a cage with a dog whistle constantly blowing for three weeks, except instantly.

Of course if such a weapon was ever deployed, say in a fashion to Steven King's "Cell" (which was differant in how things turned out, I'm speaking of the beginning and deployment here) with say a cell phone signal transmited through satellite hacking followed by the noise burst being directed through the phone at the person picking it up, you might very well wind up ith something similar to a zombie apocolypse with anyone answering a phone or being in close proximity to someone who did, suddenly suffering a brain meltdown and immediatly attacking the people around them like a rapid animal.

Such a scenario would end rapidly though as the people would die out from dehydration if nothing else within a few days. Using such a signal you could pretty much do a job similar to a neutron bomb by say broadcasting it over a city and then having everyone kill each other and then move in to occupy it a few days later without any resistance since everyone would be dead, or a badly dehydrated/starving raving loon.

The point here is that while what we're talking about is science fiction loosely based on actual research I've read about in various wierd sources, is that if something like this DID happen it doesn't appear the first responders would be able to deal with it. The CDC's basic policy being to run around going "OMG, what's happening" looking for answers rather than having a plan in place to control the situation enough (or try to) in order to begin looking for the answers.

It's kind of scary, because it means that come something akin to a "Zombie Apocolypse" scenario (as unlikely as it might be), at least as far as the CDC goes, things would end much the same way as they do for such groups in the movies.

As crazy as it sounds, I remember reading that The Pentagon has entire archives dedicated to potential responses to crazy things like alien invasions. The basic idea being that as unlikely as it might be, it's better to have some baseline to work from if the unthinkable became reality. Nobody takes it seriously, but given the way that today's science fiction becomes science fact tomorrow, apparently there are collections of ideas about hypothetical weapons and how to potentially counter them with current technology. I seem to remember it being mentioned on some TV show about UFOs, the modern descendants of "Project Blue Book"
and so on. I find it kind of disconcerting that given the popularity of zombie fiction that the CDC doesn't even have a set of files set in a drawer somewhere that they had to concoct as an exercise and occasionally share some lulz about.

 

[Rhinzual26]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

Bullet to the head is very difficult against a moving target a good distance away if you're not using a scoped weapon and are trained to do so.

Plus, walking corpses still decompose and rot very quickly, then there's winter and how Cracked pointed out the whole zombie apocalypse scenario isn't logically possible.

"Patient" implies someone already infected and under the care of doctors.

Dismemberment would be better. Zombie or not, mobility is kinda hampered with an amputated pair of legs and only one arm that ends above the elbow.

 

[Fayathon]

So the CDC is going to study the zombies and look for a cure. Why does that sound familiar?

Oh, right, it's because it's the same asinine response the government has in any story about zombies. Kill them first, figure them out later, or at least after completely securing a safe zone.

 

[thedeathscythe]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

Bullet to the head is very difficult against a moving target a good distance away if you're not using a scoped weapon and are trained to do so.

Plus, walking corpses still decompose and rot very quickly, then there's winter and how Cracked pointed out the whole zombie apocalypse scenario isn't logically possible.

"Patient" implies someone already infected and under the care of doctors.

True, although I would hope that government officials would distribute baseball bats and other blunt objects to the public suitable for close range brain incapacitating. You never know, there could be families with no such objects readily available and something like this could help to prevent the infection from spreading further.

I find it crazy that they have a plan set out for this, but maybe I should feel good about that...?

 

[FFHAuthor]

As crazy as it sounds, I remember reading that The Pentagon has entire archives dedicated to potential responses to crazy things like alien invasions. The basic idea being that as unlikely as it might be, it's better to have some baseline to work from if the unthinkable became reality. Nobody takes it seriously, but given the way that today's science fiction becomes science fact tomorrow, apparently there are collections of ideas about hypothetical weapons and how to potentially counter them with current technology. I seem to remember it being mentioned on some TV show about UFOs, the modern descendants of "Project Blue Book"
and so on. I find it kind of disconcerting that given the popularity of zombie fiction that the CDC doesn't even have a set of files set in a drawer somewhere that they had to concoct as an exercise and occasionally share some lulz about.

I can agree with that. Any government agency is primarily a bureaucratic organ whose sole purpose is to look busy and stay busy, so sitting around and creating plans based on unforeseen circumstances is believable, for instance, NASA has regulations on the books that give it legal authority to detain and quarantine individuals who have been in contact with Extraterrestrial life forms. I believe the Fire Officers guide to Emergency Response (don't quote me on that...but it was one of the larger Federal training manuals.) has a chapter dedicated to fire response to a crashed UFO.

I'd be willing to bet that yeah, there are one or two CDC plans for dealing with 'zombie sickness' even if they were just made by a couple of cubicle monkeys who watched one to many George Romero movies.

 

[mike141]

nore importantly f the zombie apocolips dose happen then this plan may take months or years to do bu then the us will be overcome (exept for those paches of survivors that there will be bound to be) and the infestation would have traveled to china by plane... and if you wondering how this will happen its like this -takes deep breath- people will panic and get the first flight out of here so say someone is bitten and no one knows whats happening yet well the person turns in china and walla its in china. and if they turn on the plane the person attacks the other passangers the plane martial kills them they land in china and walla its in china...again. so what we going to do about that???

 

[Ekonk]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

Bullet to the head is very difficult against a moving target a good distance away if you're not using a scoped weapon and are trained to do so.

Plus, walking corpses still decompose and rot very quickly, then there's winter and how Cracked pointed out the whole zombie apocalypse scenario isn't logically possible.

Let's just say "gigantic viral outbreak that drives it's infected to murderous insanity".

That's not even that farfetched. I mean, we have rabies and all kinds of nasty behaviour-influencing parasites. If influenza were to mutate and develop this trait we'd all be in some serious trouble. It would be like the Spanish flu with zombies.

 

[Rhinzual26]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

Bullet to the head is very difficult against a moving target a good distance away if you're not using a scoped weapon and are trained to do so.

Plus, walking corpses still decompose and rot very quickly, then there's winter and how Cracked pointed out the whole zombie apocalypse scenario isn't logically possible.

Let's just say "gigantic viral outbreak that drives it's infected to murderous insanity".

That's not even that farfetched. I mean, we have rabies and all kinds of nasty behaviour-influencing parasites. If influenza were to mutate and develop this trait we'd all be in some serious trouble. It would be like the Spanish flu with zombies.

Yeah, that's a huge concern, especially since some sounds can actually drive people crazy. The diseases themselves are like icing on the Apocalypse-themed Cake of DOOOOOOOM.

 

[Reincarnatedwolfgod]

it good to know the government is ready when the Las Plagas take over america

well any way that strange way to give info on how to survive a real disaster