Center for Disease Control Reveals Zombie Apocalypse Plan

[The Urban Moose]

Well, whatever happens, I know the CDC will take any emergent zombie behavior rather seriously. After all, their motto is...

Ha! I was gonna look for that picture. You beat me to it. Well done, sir.

OT: Seriously, I'm glad the CDC is making it sound "dull and boring" instead of, "OMG ZOMBIES WE MUST BLAST THEM WITH OUR GUNS!" It's not boring, it's realistic.

 

[Ironic Pirate]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

Bullet to the head is very difficult against a moving target a good distance away if you're not using a scoped weapon and are trained to do so.

Plus, walking corpses still decompose and rot very quickly, then there's winter and how Cracked pointed out the whole zombie apocalypse scenario isn't logically possible.

Except that Cracked was basing that on the infection hinging solely (or mostly) on bites. An actual zombie virus could be carried by all sorts of things. Imagine if the black plague turned everyone it infected into a bloodthirsty monster, the individual zombie doesn't have to survive long or kill anything, the point is that to make that zombie, a person died, and there was no way to save them. Zombies aren't the problem, they're just a bonus to a highly infectious, 100% lethal and rapidly acting disease, something that doesn't need anymore bonuses. The fall of infrastructure and mass panic would kill many and make other susceptible to the disease.

Nerds with dreams of being lone wolf badasses would die in swaths, almost all of them achieving nothing, something that doesn't happen in a regular epidemic. You don't load your shotgun and set out alone during the flu season, and it wouldn't get you killed even if you did.

Also, is anyone else saddened that this whole plan is the same for any outbreak except for someone sticking the word zombie in there a few times? It'd probably work, it's just boring.

 

[IndianaJonny]

From CDC site

Are you prepared? Tell us?
Have you begun preparing for a zombie apocalypse? Or maybe you have been preparing for a more realistic threat like hurricanes or the next flu season? Tell us about what you are doing to prepare.

Is it me or is the CDC trying to get us ready for a more realistic disaster by joking around with a less likely, yet more... entertaining disaster?

Which is why someone should make a borderline authentic/tongue-in-cheek 'company video' to go with all this.

Pffft, Zombies are old news. We have moved on preparing and creating safe environments against Raptor attacks.

For example... door handles. Only round knobs pass the test.

Amen! It's all fun and games until someone bruises a knuckle.

 

[William MacKay]

How patients can be treated? A bullet to the head sounds like a good start.

Bullet to the head is very difficult against a moving target a good distance away if you're not using a scoped weapon and are trained to do so.

Plus, walking corpses still decompose and rot very quickly, then there's winter and how Cracked pointed out the whole zombie apocalypse scenario isn't logically possible.

Cracked also ran an article about how it IS possible, but unlikely. they also gave helpful hints on what happens in movies which will get you butchered. Cracked seems to be foreshadowing the Zombie Apocalypse.
but this plan sounds like it will work. Problem is that the virus uses the host to infect people who get close, which is centric to the plan (getting close, not infecting people).

 

[Biodeamon]

This will help me sleep better at night...now instead of waking from a nightmare three times a night i will have moved it to only twice a night

 

[subtlefuge]

I'm sorry, I saw The Walking Dead and you guys don't really fare that well.

 

[MetalGenocide]

They are not giving out free miniguns?

Looks like I have to take care of that part, myself.
Stock up on .50 cals too.

 

[Tsaba]

Our government should be ashamed of itself.

I respectfully disagree, that is the role of the CDC, even if it is slightly silly, that would be their role in the government should something that ridiculous ever happen.

 

[Wesley Brannock]

My message to the C . D . C is as follows

1. Zombie virus / toxin / infection is spread by being bitten

2. It spreads faster then you think

3. Quarantine / Isolation doesn't work

4 Only known cure bullet to the brain

5. For further reference as how to plan see a zombie movie.

 

[Tsaba]

Stock up on .50 cals too.

Get 9mm, it's light and plentiful, and if your engaging zombies past 50 meters, your doing something wrong.

 

[Soviet Steve]

*snip*

Step 1: Ascertain that it is indeed the dead returning to life and eating the living.
Step 2: Provide heavily defended shelter for the living.
Step 3: Murder the shit out of zombies.
Step 4: Study zombies in insanely secured location after most of the threat is neutralized.
Step 5: ???????
Step 6: Everyone PROFITs

Provided everything is exactly like depicted in movies and on the telly. Would you mind telling me what would happen if TV and films were considered evidence for the effect of videogames on people? I'll remind you that gamers are often depicted as incurable loons who murder at the drop of a hat and have lost all connection to reality, much like zombies.

 

[Fayathon]

*snip*

I fail to see the relevance in this context, I've stated the parameters for this hypothetical, but it still stands that regardless of how the zombies function, spread, etc the focus initially needs to be on securing against zombies, and study needs to fall to a distant second.

 

[Madkipz]

The government always has a plan. its just that the masses following it will simply contaminate each others and ruin the plan. aaaw ;d

AW SHI MY SON WAS BITTEN BUT IM SURE HE IS OK, ILL JUST HIDE THAT AND PULL HIM TROUGH QUARANTENE WITH MY CLEARANCE AS HEAD OF SECURITY, ITS JUST A BITE NO HARM DONE ZOMBIES ARENT REALLY REAL RAWRGASFDASDASDF ^^ FUFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

 

[Timedraven 117]

I demand to know why "Mutation" isn't on the list of what it could be. (see Freaks from Crackdown 2)

actually they were infected with a VIRUS from the agents

 

[vxicepickxv]

I'm pretty sure this is the most hilarious thing that the government has a plan for.

Their plan is basically to say that they don't have an actual plan, and they you need to prepare for real disasters. They're actually not serious at all.

 

[Anarchemitis]

Don't think governments have many Think Tanks to figure out the instruction books for every eventuality.

 

[Logic 0]

The worst part of this is that no matter how boring and rational this plan sounds it will fail just like all other government zombie control programs.

 

[Darius Brogan]

Find me a sharp Sword, a good Rifle, and some good Comrades equally outfitted and I say this: Fuck what the CDC says! I'ma killin me some zombies!

Also, I'm already prepared in case of a Hurricane (I live in an area that cannot physically support a hurricane) I've got ready-to-go, nigh indestructible shelter in case of a Tornado/Blizzard/Major-Fucking-Storm, and there isn't a volcano for several hundred miles around, if not further......

WHAT THE HELL ELSE AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!!!!! Knit?
Preparing for the zombie apocalypse is the only disaster left to prepare for!

 

[Kyman102]

Yeah yeah, blah blah blah, whatever.

What about the plan for the inevitable ROBOT UPRISING GOVERNMENT?! HUH?!