I skipped Christmas because I'm a piece of shit.
I don't think this is the time or place to lay down on a couch and spell out all my issues in depth, suffice to say I'm deeply depressed and told my parents I won't be coming home for Christmas this year. My excuse, superficially is that I'm exhausted from work, my cat is sick and there's a blizzard coming in. Some of that may be true, but ultimately I'm just so fucking empty and sad that I just want to drink and do nothing for a while. Being off work until 1/2/2023 seems like a perfect time to just climb into a deprivation chamber of vodka and tv shows until I get through whatever is wrong with me.
I don't like people or social interaction, at least not in person. I can chat with you all night on discord or vent or yahoo chatrooms because I'm that years old, but there's something about the anxiety of dealing with people, looking people in the eyes and pretending normal facial expressions I struggle so hard with. Combine that with talking to family and friends I share nothing in common with and I'm like homer at the plant when alarms go off
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I've spent the last 5 hours today writing guides for how NETCONF works for two specific interfaces and I was goddamn happy, just typing away and doing screenshots. I got up from my chair because my butt and back was starting to hurt, only to make a white russian and sit right back down and start typing here. Fuck I love typing more than I like talking to people. How messed up is that?
Idk, no one wants the entire history of why I'm like this. yadda yadda, disability, rejection, suicide, abuse, EMOTIONAL DAAAMAGE, this is the sound of a humming bird bitching outloud.
Heres hoping for 2023
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