Critical Miss: Conan the Barbarian

[octafish]

Conan has always been about Darth Vader as Thulsa Doom and the Terminator as Conan

No love for Gerry Lopez? Mr. Pipeline? The Goofyfoot Guru? The man who discovered G-Land? Greatest Surfer who ever lived and the best thing in that damn movie.

 

[Casual Shinji]

I do so enjoy when a classic movie quote and critism on said movie franchise's downfall come together.

 

[Grouchy Imp_v1legacy]

Why is Erin eating butt popcorn?

mmmmmmmmmmm... butt popcorn...

I'm glad someone else spotted that too, otherwise I'd just feel immature...

 

[DazBurger]

I remember wathcing the first conan movie. Maybe I should go get the 2nd one.

NO GOD!! No God please no, NO!! No!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO-!! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc]

No no! Nono! NO NO NO NO NO!!! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IXCK1EyP4s]

 

[Sovvolf]

I remember wathcing the first conan movie. Maybe I should go get the 2nd one.

No. No, no, no. No. Assuming you mean Conan the Destroyer, just....no.

Isn't that the one where Conan fights the mirror monster? if so DO,... NOT,... SEE,... IT seriously, my lord is that one bad. Conan in the first film (played by Arnie) had to good sense to keep his mouth closed for a good amount of it (seriously, he doesn't speak all that much in that movie) however in the sequel, he won't shut up, he as a plucky (read annoying) side kick and... and... its just awful.

Truth. When Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is one of the leads in the film, you know it's not going to be good.

That said, it does, at least, have some decent eye candy. It's pretty to look at in places.

Are we talking about the set design or that fact that Arnie was still in his physical prime at this point and the flab hadn't started to creep in just yet . True some of the sets were okay but the production values look much lower than the original and everything had that painted polystyrene look to it.

Though to give it the benefit of the doubt, at least they didn't end up putting him in modern day L.A -cough- Beastmaster 2 -cough-

I remember wathcing the first conan movie. Maybe I should go get the 2nd one.

NO GOD!! No God please no, NO!! No!!! NOOOOOOOOOOO-!! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umDr0mPuyQc]

No no! Nono! NO NO NO NO NO!!! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IXCK1EyP4s]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tim5nU3DwIE]

 

[Susan Arendt]

I remember wathcing the first conan movie. Maybe I should go get the 2nd one.

No. No, no, no. No. Assuming you mean Conan the Destroyer, just....no.

Isn't that the one where Conan fights the mirror monster? if so DO,... NOT,... SEE,... IT seriously, my lord is that one bad. Conan in the first film (played by Arnie) had to good sense to keep his mouth closed for a good amount of it (seriously, he doesn't speak all that much in that movie) however in the sequel, he won't shut up, he as a plucky (read annoying) side kick and... and... its just awful.

Truth. When Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is one of the leads in the film, you know it's not going to be good.

That said, it does, at least, have some decent eye candy. It's pretty to look at in places.

Are we talking about the set design or that fact that Arnie was still in his physical prime at this point and the flab hadn't started to creep in just yet . True some of the sets were okay but the production values look much lower than the original and everything had that painted polystyrene look to it.

Though to give it the benefit of the doubt, at least they didn't end up putting him in modern day L.A -cough- Beastmaster 2 -cough-

Set design and scenery. The effects are definitely weak, but there's some pretty decent glitz in there. I never thought Arnold was even slightly attractive.

 

[standokan]

Well done, I laughed my ass off.

 

[K V MAN]

haha at Erin's face xD. Also love the use of 'The Quote'. I'm not sure Conan is something that can be carried off seriously in this day and age but we will see.

i disagree and heres my proof

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBGOQ7SsJrw

 

[The Great JT]

Yeah, that's pretty much my reaction. I don't know, something about the '82 movie just seems better.

 

[w00tage]

I'm not usually a fan of these, but that was actually kinda funny.

...

I think a Conan movie could work, just not an Arnie type one...the original stories were very different, like a watered down Lovecraft with more muscles and less clothes.

Yeah, and although nobody realizes it, the character conveyed a lot of straight-up "civilized people are the real barbarians" moral commentary by the author. Bet we don't see that in the movies.

Regarding the "more-or-less faithful adaptation of the books" - why the heck is there still a "my village was slaughtered and I must avenge my father" plot? That's as far from the books as you can get fgodssakes. The character left his completely alive village and father for two reasons:

1. he had a "wandering foot", so he liked to explore and see new things, and
2. Cimmerian women were as adapted for survival in the wild as Cimmerian men. And about as attractive.

To me, that actually makes the character more interesting than the whole "forced vengeance" thing.

 

[The Wooster]

I'm not usually a fan of these, but that was actually kinda funny.

...

I think a Conan movie could work, just not an Arnie type one...the original stories were very different, like a watered down Lovecraft with more muscles and less clothes.

Yeah, and although nobody realizes it, the character conveyed a lot of straight-up "civilized people are the real barbarians" moral commentary by the author. Bet we don't see that in the movies.

Regarding the "more-or-less faithful adaptation of the books" - why the heck is there still a "my village was slaughtered and I must avenge my father" plot? That's as far from the books as you can get fgodssakes. The character left his completely alive village and father for two reasons:

I think you misread there, mate. I said "more/less" which is very different from "more-or-less" in context. I haven't seen the new film yet, so I can't comment on how close to the books it is.

 

[Albino Boo]

but to me, Conan has always been about Darth Vader as Thulsa Doom

Funny I dont remember Dave Prowse in Conan

I always thought Star Wars would have been a better movie with body of James Earl Jones and voice of Dave Prowse. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YSm9DDxQv8E

 

[Falseprophet]

haha at Erin's face xD. Also love the use of 'The Quote'. I'm not sure Conan is something that can be carried off seriously in this day and age but we will see.

He's not supposed to be. The original Robert E. Howard stories are pulp yarns. It's just the Arnie/Milnius/Ollie North movie that had this Nietzchean meta-commentary on hippies and shell-shock, complete with Wagnerian soundtrack (RIP, Basil Poledouris).

But the typical Howard story had Conan the barbarian/thief/pirate/mercenary/bandit/soldier pick a couple fights with guardsmen or blowhards, then stumbling across some monster/lost civilization/god/Lovecraftian horror, somehow managing to kill or escape it, then celebrating with alcohol and buxom lasses.

It'd be nice to see some action movies return to some sense of fun, and Conan would be a perfect vehicle for that.

 

[w00tage]

I'm not usually a fan of these, but that was actually kinda funny.

...

I think a Conan movie could work, just not an Arnie type one...the original stories were very different, like a watered down Lovecraft with more muscles and less clothes.

Yeah, and although nobody realizes it, the character conveyed a lot of straight-up "civilized people are the real barbarians" moral commentary by the author. Bet we don't see that in the movies.

Regarding the "more-or-less faithful adaptation of the books" - why the heck is there still a "my village was slaughtered and I must avenge my father" plot? That's as far from the books as you can get fgodssakes. The character left his completely alive village and father for two reasons:

I think you misread there, mate. I said "more/less" which is very different from "more-or-less" in context. I haven't seen the new film yet, so I can't comment on how close to the books it is.

No, I misremembered when writing my post, my bad. I'd personally describe it as way less than more, given that it's got a plot premise from the first movie

 

[Something Amyss]

but to me, Conan has always been about Darth Vader as Thulsa Doom

Funny I dont remember Dave Prowse in Conan

I think you mean Hayden Christensen.

>.>

What?

Anyway, Ronon Dex as Conan?

Weeeeeeeeeird.

 

[rembrandtqeinstein]

I remember wathcing the first conan movie. Maybe I should go get the 2nd one.

No. No, no, no. No. Assuming you mean Conan the Destroyer, just....no.

Oh it wasn't that bad. It was a fun fantasy romp, and as enjoyably campy as beastmaster. Grace Jones and Kareem were great.

Destroyer didn't take itself seriously like the first one but it was and is still watchable and entertaining.

They picked the wrong dude for Conan though. Khal Drogo just doesn't have the presence Arnold did. Who they should have picked:



Michael Jai White

he is big, a good actor, and would be as hilarious in a wig as Arnold

 

[AbstractStream]

Wow. I actually haven't seen Conan the Destroyer and after reading all these comments, I don't plan to o_o

 

[pepitko]

Did she make the face because of the movie or because of the butt popcorn ?

 

[Mangue Surfer]

LOL! Best CM evar! seriously!

But it's funny. Governator Conan isn't really good. You see, in the comics, Conan was very intelligent, he could easily deceive everybody in the Game of Thrones but in the movie hi is kind of tard that have four lines.

 

[Sovvolf]

Set design and scenery. The effects are definitely weak, but there's some pretty decent glitz in there.

Ha I see, sadly its been a while since I last watched Conan the Destroyer (probably a good few years ago) so my memory is fuzzy when it comes to a lot of the sets. I can remember a few but they did come off as a little cheap and the rest just looked like your usual horse riding through field sets . I also remember the monster thing at the end looking pretty bad even for the standards of back then.

I never thought Arnold was even slightly attractive.

I see, don't worry I was just trying to make a poor joke. No offence intended .