Do you answer why you turn someone down?
- Thread starter Combustion Kevin
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I think if someone works up the courage to ask someone out, they at least deserve a reason why if they get rejected, even if it is the apparently much hated "just a friend" reason.
But for breaking up with someone, sometimes its nothing in particular, you may just find that you dont like your partner the same way that you used to and that you're unhappy
But for breaking up with someone, sometimes its nothing in particular, you may just find that you dont like your partner the same way that you used to and that you're unhappy
There's not always an answer. If you ask a girl out, and there's no attraction, then there's no attraction. Sure, everything can be rationalized. Doesn't mean it's true.
Actually, if you have reasoned arguments why you are (no longer) friends or lovers, you've never been friends or lovers in the first place.
Actually, if you have reasoned arguments why you are (no longer) friends or lovers, you've never been friends or lovers in the first place.
Umm... kinda sorta. Most of the time I lie, because it's easier than saying "You're completely insane and carrying on a relationship into the future would make the inevitable break up even more hazardous to my mental well being than it is now. I'm honestly scared that I'd end up the victim of a crime of passion"
And girls don't really like being called a rebound.
And in reality, movies will trick you into thinking being persistent is charming and attractive. But if a girl says no and doesn't give you a reason, you don't want to know the reason. Taking the hint actually gives you a better chance in the future.
And girls don't really like being called a rebound.
And in reality, movies will trick you into thinking being persistent is charming and attractive. But if a girl says no and doesn't give you a reason, you don't want to know the reason. Taking the hint actually gives you a better chance in the future.
Even when I give a reason to turn someone down it's usually a lie, because I really don't want to hurt their feelings (more than dumping them obviously does.)
I get where you're coming from though, OP, it's infuriating when someone just up and ends something for no apparent reason; especially if things have been going well.
I get where you're coming from though, OP, it's infuriating when someone just up and ends something for no apparent reason; especially if things have been going well.
Generally no not really. Most of the time if it's someone you don't really know asking you then it's kind of uncomfortable to have to explain why base don first impressions you don't want to go out with them. Most people are pretty pissed when you say well I'm just not that interested in you like that.
I would point out that knowing why is probably not all that helpful. The generally accepted wisdom is that you should try for relationships where you can be yourself. If the other person isn't interested in that, then I'm not sure knowing what precise part of you they aren't interested in is useful.
why not?Spinozaad said:
I can think of several reasons about why I'm friends with someone, or feel attracted to someone else, all it requires is introspection, emotions and attachments are not illogical.
people tend to be rational beings, unless hormones or other drugs are involved.
but I'm pretty sure even that can be put to debate. <.<
I'm not the sort of person people ask why; I don't get into superfluous relationships (this includes friendships), and thus anyone close to me knows what's wrong and what isn't. There's no reason not to tell them.
It can. ;-)Combustion Kevin said:
I am of the opinion that people are rarely rational, but that's a different discussion.
I believe you can rationalize why you like (or do not like) someone, but that this is a posteriori rationalization.
When you are attracted to someone there is more at play than just a collection of positive qualities (which may, or may not be true. 'Cause that's another problem). She might have a beautiful smile, an amazing body and pretty eyes, but there are a thousand other girls with the same qualities. And you're not as attracted to them as you are to this "special" girl.
The same with friends. Sure, there are reasons why you don't hate them, but why do you like them? The reasons you do not dislike them, are not the same as why you like them.
That's the difference. Hatred is always better defined than friendship or love.
I am a magnet for gay men, I don't get why, I have a girlfriend, I dress normally, I don't give out a gay vibe (at least I don't think so), but every time I go out into the city, I have to tell some gay dude that I am not his type. Freaking weird.
So my answer to your question would be: I am not gay.
So my answer to your question would be: I am not gay.
I see no reason for not giving a reason, but sometimes, it's better to give a white lie as a reason than the truth, for most often, a white lie is more constructive. It's also how you phrase it. Saying "You're ugly and boring" is a nono, but "I simply don't find you attractive, I guess. personal chemistry is like that" is most of the time acceptable.Combustion Kevin said:
Here's a question for you, though: Do you want someone to want you for who you are, or are you prepared to change parts of you in order to get someone you want?
Take your time and think before you answer.
Not really. When girls got too clingy I used to come with bad excuses or just break all contact.
I wasn't the most mature guy when I was younger.
I wasn't the most mature guy when I was younger.
Do you believe it's due to your looks, or some other factor? And if it is due to your looks, are you "aiming withing your league", so to speak. Now I know, you shouldn't judge people solely on their looks, but I'v spoken with several close-to-obese girls that only aim at very attractive, fit guys, and they all whine over "noone liking them". The truth might be harsh, but I'm pretty sure some less attractive guys (on our western-ideal slide of attractiveness) would find them attractive.RAKtheUndead said:
When I have rejected people I have always explained why... It's like a learning point, or teaching point if you will... It can allow someone to get it right the next time they meet someone...
Saying that, I was dumped by a girlfriend of 4.5 years recently, and I still don't know why! We had been arguing recently, but never really seriously, and it had dryed up pretty much by then... Personally I don't want to know the reason. I'm far too afraid of what the answer will be. It was so out of the blue that I think the answer would be something that would cause more hurt than good! Hell, it couldn't have been anything petty, we had been with eachother for so long there was nothing new habits and personality wise that we didn't already know! O well! /vent.
But overall I am much more in favour of telling the reasons. Especially at the start of a relationship. I can take criticism, and I would vastly prefer to know what not to do, or what to do next time, than be completly in the blue...
Saying that, I was dumped by a girlfriend of 4.5 years recently, and I still don't know why! We had been arguing recently, but never really seriously, and it had dryed up pretty much by then... Personally I don't want to know the reason. I'm far too afraid of what the answer will be. It was so out of the blue that I think the answer would be something that would cause more hurt than good! Hell, it couldn't have been anything petty, we had been with eachother for so long there was nothing new habits and personality wise that we didn't already know! O well! /vent.
But overall I am much more in favour of telling the reasons. Especially at the start of a relationship. I can take criticism, and I would vastly prefer to know what not to do, or what to do next time, than be completly in the blue...
Hrm, now that's odd. What exactly are they finding unattractive? And which sort of women do you approach? And at what locals (campus/work/library/bars)?RAKtheUndead said:
I have no confidence to ask people out and I... well, I have that whole 'face' thing that stands in my way... but I have in the past thought to myself that I'd try to be honest if they wanted to know a reason, but do my best not to hurt their feelings.
But that's a hypothetical situation.
...So I'd probably chicken out and just go "Sorry, just...er, not... I mean... I'm not really attracted to you!" and run away as fast as my little legs could carry me. :/
But that's a hypothetical situation.
...So I'd probably chicken out and just go "Sorry, just...er, not... I mean... I'm not really attracted to you!" and run away as fast as my little legs could carry me. :/
I once persued a girl who kept giving answers that evidently turned out to be fake like "I don't want a boyfriend" of "We live too far away from eachother". How do I know? The next day she went out with a guy who lives a few miles from me. It didn't last at all long though.
I was hurt and kept demanding a real reason why not me. And she could never do it.
Just over a year or two later she's figured out she's gay.
I was hurt and kept demanding a real reason why not me. And she could never do it.
Just over a year or two later she's figured out she's gay.
Barring my last ex...well, my only ex, I don't think I've been asked out by anyone since I was roughly 13 or so and back then I didn't really give a reason, I just said no, though at the time, my reason was that I simply had no desire for a relationship, I was practically asexual at the time so I simply didn't give anything of that nature any attention. I suppose now, if someone were to ask me out (as rare an occurance as that is) and I wasn't into them, I'd simply say no thanks, then wait for their reaction, as they simply just walk away afterwards. If they ask for a reason...I'm not sure I could be very honest, I don't like being mean to people who don't deserve it, so I'd probably just say something vauge like 'you're just not really my type' which should work just as well to convey that I'm not interested. I mean personally if I got rejected, I wouldn't want to know and would simply depart before embarassing myself further, then again I've never asked someone out before, so perhaps I might react a little differently in practice.