Do you answer why you turn someone down?

[Marcus Kehoe]

When I was younger I turned a few girls down, then everyone thought I was gay, which i'm not. But when I turned them down I had no idea how to explain why, and usually made myself look like an idiot by either avoiding them or trying to explain in as short as time as possible. I would never date the girls that asked me out but I did not want to hurt them.

 

[zumbledum]

[quote="Combustion Kevin"

EDIT: When I ask someone out I've already known them for several months, I simply can't imagine being romantically interested in someone that I can not count among my friends first.
[/quote]

Well thats your problem and why they dont have a good answer. Now ladies speak up if im being unfair here but a man basically has the first 10 seconds to make an impression then about half an hour to follow up on that any longer and hes going to get friend zoned if liked or avoided if not.


reason? who cares its not going to help anyone the answer is simply a case of compatibility or perceived compatibility and its neither a fault nor anything you can fix so just forget it

 

[gazumped]

When things had been going wrong with my first boyfriend for several months, I told him the truth about the last straw: That I had fallen for his friend who'd shown far more desire to be with me and take care of me than he had.
Then I was painted the ***** because when asked why we broke up, he'd say I dumped him for his mate. No "I've been telling her I haven't been happy with her for months", no "I called her boring and that I couldn't stand the idea of being together forever", no "she's been going home crying every time she's come to visit me for the past few weeks because I make her feel like shit".
So, yehknow, it's all very well being honest about why you wanted to end it but be careful that your ex isn't going to conveniently forget their own contributions to the breakup.

As for rejecting people who ask me out, I haven't been single a lot so I can usually very honestly say I have a boyfriend. Often I'm not believed, and guys feel the need to 'test' me by barraging me with a load of questions about my partner.

But yes, it's not any girl's responsibility to explain herself for not wanting to date you, it's probably that they simply don't fancy you. It's hard to get someone romantically interested in you when you're simply not their type, and they really can't give much more of a reason for not going out with you than "... I just don't wanna".
But good news! Girls have more varied tastes than guys do, so while 90% of them might be turning you down, there will be girls to whom you are exactly what they're looking for! http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2009-06/wfu-ra062609.php

 

[manaman]

EDIT: When I ask someone out I've already known them for several months, I simply can't imagine being romantically interested in someone that I can not count among my friends first.

so, when asked, do you say why?

Now why would you go confuse the issue by trying to wedge your way in with "friendship" first? Now don't get me wrong I couldn't stay with a woman for long that I couldn't have been friends with. I also find I cannot really be friends with a woman I like that does not reciprocate my feelings, not when I want something more, and why would someone expect different? What you won't find me doing is "testing" out a relationship by befriending someone first, then trying to escalate the relationship later once a friendship is established. It doesn't take long to recognize potential, so let them know, ask them out, make it clear you don't just want to be friends.

 

[gazumped]

Well thats your problem and why they dont have a good answer. Now ladies speak up if im being unfair here but a man basically has the first 10 seconds to make an impression then about half an hour to follow up on that any longer and hes going to get friend zoned if liked or avoided if not.


reason? who cares its not going to help anyone the answer is simply a case of compatibility or perceived compatibility and its neither a fault nor anything you can fix so just forget it

Nuoooo... I know I just said the thing about you're probably either her type or not, but some girls won't REALISE you're their type until they've hung out with you enough, especially if things they're looking for is that you're smart, have similar tastes to her or share the same kind of morals/ethics. Personally I won't even consider dating someone that I've not known for a few months and am reasonably close friends with.

 

[Broady Brio]

I've turned down a person once during her party. I simply told her wasn't interested in dating.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

This.

I simply can't imagine being romantically interested in someone that I can not count among my friends first.

Must be connected to this

the only thing that all the girls I've dated will unanimously agree on is that I am a "good friend"

Well thats your problem and why they dont have a good answer. Now ladies speak up if im being unfair here but a man basically has the first 10 seconds to make an impression then about half an hour to follow up on that any longer and hes going to get friend zoned if liked or avoided if not.


reason? who cares its not going to help anyone the answer is simply a case of compatibility or perceived compatibility and its neither a fault nor anything you can fix so just forget it

ah yes, because because getting to know someone before asking them out is a crime these days, ain't it?
how is that supposed to work?

how am I supposed to instantly decide wether I want to persue a relationship with someone the first moments I meet them, that is ridiculously shallow and insulting to both parties involved.

But good news! Girls have more varied tastes than guys do, so while 90% of them might be turning you down, there will be girls to whom you are exactly what they're looking for! http://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2009-06/wfu-ra062609.php

thank you, I wasn't planning on giving up.

 

[quiet_samurai]

It really depends, sometimes it really requires no explanation because it could be mutual. However if it is really one sided I will if they ask me, and I know they could handle it. The have been a few instances where I actualy was really disinterested or came to be disinterested over time due to some glaring issue or flaw, and when they asked I just made something up to spare their feelings. I think it all just really depends on why.

 

[Phasmal]

ah yes, because because getting to know someone before asking them out is a crime these days, ain't it?
how is that supposed to work?

how am I supposed to instantly decide wether I want to persue a relationship with someone the first moments I meet them, that is ridiculously shallow and insulting to both parties involved.

Speaking as a girl, the whole `Friend Zone` thing is complete and utter tripe.
Women aren't catagorizing machines, we don't automatically put you in the !Friend! category after a certain amount of time. Basically, people do make up their mind quickly whether they are attracted to a person or not, but friends can definately become more. Friend Zone is just what guys say when they either cant get the guts to ask someone out or they know they aren't interested and are making up a reason why.

 

[GrandmaFunk]

But yes, it's not any girl's responsibility to explain herself for not wanting to date you, it's probably that they simply don't fancy you.

it's not a matter of responsibility, just a simple courtesy.

and "i simply don't fancy you" is a perfectly acceptable response.

 

[GrandmaFunk]

Friend Zone is just what guys say when they either cant get the guts to ask someone out or they know they aren't interested and are making up a reason why.

Speaking as a guy, it's not something we make up.

ppl of both genders use the "I don't want to risk our friendship" excuse, most times it's bullshit but that's still the answer that's given.

 

[Phasmal]

Friend Zone is just what guys say when they either cant get the guts to ask someone out or they know they aren't interested and are making up a reason why.

Speaking as a guy, it's not something we make up.

ppl of both genders use the "I don't want to risk our friendship" excuse, most times it's bullshit but that's still the answer that's given.

Ah, I forgot to include that too.
Thats pretty much nice shorthand for `I dont fancy you, but I like you`.
I was more referring to the guys who dont actually make a move, but just whine about the friend zone.

 

[Eclectic Dreck]

Generally speaking, when I would get dumped, I was never at a loss for understanding why it happened. When I would get turned down, I never really thought about it. On the rare occassion I've dumped someone, I generally tell them why. In that latter case, however, I would point out that the why is often nebulous. The reason might be that I feel they are soul eroding. I generally just explain this as "We aren't compatible".

 

[Maladjusted]

Combustion Kevin,

I have to agree with all the people who've basically said: 'don't ask/it doesn't come across well/you wouldn't want to know the answers, even if there -were- answers -- which there mostly aren't...

I think that the main point is, that as several people have said, there just aren't completely rational reasons for attraction and its absence. As Spinozaad said, there can be rationalisations, but these aren't the same reasons. (Small point: Spinozaad said 'a posteriori' rationalisations, where I think he means 'ex post facto' rationalisations -- it's a minor distinction, however, and he's right in any case...) Put differently: there's something tautologous about love/attraction et cetera (i.e. I don't like this person because I like these aspects of their looks/personality, I like their various features because I like -them-.)

Now, you might object that there are often obvious things that people can list about a person that makes them likeable. And, sure, people can do things that often have the result of making them (in general) more attractive (e.g. working out/dressing well/gaining confidence et cetera). But the point is that there's always going to be an X factor, a je ne sais quo, that makes all the difference between whether someone likes someone 'in that way' or not. Think, for example, of the difference between some idealised vision of your 'perfect woman/man' and then of what the -actual- people you've fallen for have been like. The difference is that in vaguely masturbatory fantasy space, everything -can- be reduced to (to use RPG speak) a bunch of stats. "Must have hair like this/talk like this et cetera." But despite having these ideals, people often, in the real world go completely crazy over people who are completely different from the person's prior established ideal. And I'm not just saying that people 'settle', I'm saying that often people who will really drive them crazy will have something about them that doesn't fit into calculations but makes all the difference. It's for this reason, that I think asking for reasons for rejection or acceptance can come across as a bit...Aspergic...a bit like you can't accept that there's anything to love/romance that couldn't come down to the numbers. The reason that I think that this can also come across as a bit creepy, is it can make you sound a bit like someone who thinks that love/romance should follow some set of laws. The reason this can come across particularly badly is that it tends to be the sort of thing that stalkers say: i.e. 'damn it, I've got all the right (whatever)/we're made for each other/why don't you get it...." See what I mean?

 

[Loreley]

As a girl, I'm sort of on the same side as many posters here. I've used "I don't have time for a relationship, lots of work, blah" as a reason. You know, the whole, it's not you, it's me-thing? Usually, people know how to take that hint (I mean, you can sort of figure that is the person was in love, they'd make room for you in their work timetable, unless they're a month away from curing cancer or something). Of course, if that isn't enough, I do add something a little clearer. "I don't think we are a good match." Etc.

Most of the stuff that is the real reason isn't something the boy can (or should) change about himself, like his personality and interests, so I figure it's no use making him feel bad about it. So if you don't get a straight answer, maybe you really don't want to hear it...

 

[gazumped]

But yes, it's not any girl's responsibility to explain herself for not wanting to date you, it's probably that they simply don't fancy you.

it's not a matter of responsibility, just a simple courtesy.

and "i simply don't fancy you" is a perfectly acceptable response.

Well, I meant "they simply don't fancy you" as in "they simply don't want to go out with you", as in, there IS no reason past them just not wanting to.

Sometimes someone won't know why they don't fancy someone, they might even WANT to fancy someone because they know they'd make a good couple (my boyfriend's sister, for example, has a cute, nice guy friend who fancies her who is also a single parent who has the same tastes as her, she knows he'd be perfect for her but just isn't feeling it). I don't say it's not their responsibility because I think it's okay to be callous, but because sometimes a person doesn't know themselves why they don't want to go out with them, they just don't.

EDIT: I guess also what I mean by the 'not their responsibility' thing is that some people act like the person is being unreasonable or mean if they don't have a good 'reason' for not 'giving them a chance'. Like I said, I often get grilled by people who don't believe me when I say I have a boyfriend. Okay, it's not entirely nice to lie, but if I was lying what would them catching me out achieve? Then I'd just have to say "Okay, the truth is, I don't date random strangers who approach me in the street." If I've indicated I don't want to date a guy, why are they insisting that I explain myself as if I've done something wrong?

 

[Combustion Kevin]

snip

yeah, I see what you're getting at, in fact, I've seen that last bit happen with a friend of mine.

I just try to make sense of things for myself, when you see people whining about being asked out all the time to the point of trying to avoid it, while I myself can't seem to hold anyone's interest when trying my best...

you get the feeling you're doing something very wrong.

 

[Scorekeeper]

I once told a girl why I didn't want to be with her; I felt terrible afterward. Granted, I was as gentle as possible but I don't think I'd ever do anything like that again. So, don't ask why because you probably wouldn't take it as well as you think you would.

 

[Realitycrash]

Well, would you change your appearance in order to get someone you like? (or is it someone specific? Your post didn't seem to point to that, but I could be wrong). Appearance counts for a lot (more than it should, but that's why I asked if you were prepared to give something up), and after the physical attraction is done, people tend to start noticing the person behind it. Rarely is it the other way around.

well, I'm not going after anyone specific, not anymore anyway, and personally I think I look decent.
then again, being a straight man I'd make a poor judge of that.
I'm in decent shape being 1.82m tall and weighing 67.2 Kg (haven't checked that since...forever), I've been riding my bike anywhere I go since I was nine (I live 16 Km away from the civilised world) so my physique can't really be the issue, can it?
although I think you may have a point:

I am born with a blind eye, and it looks derpy as hell, so I wear an eye-patch to cover it up.
when I smile I look like an idiot, and all in all my face is not a great marvel to behold, honestly.
I grow my hair long too, but I like it that way.

I can't judge on how you look, as what attracts people are very subjective (though there are universal indicators, and no, I don't think it's your physique), but I was just trying to make a point. A rather sad, but true point: You said you liked your hair. I have long hair too, and it works for me, but how much of "you" would you give up in order to get someone? Because if you find a certain crowd of people you like, and they have a style that you don't openly despise, trying to adjust yourself to it might work. Or, in general, adapting yourself to what others might like, if you believe you can live with it.
Being yourself is paramount, but sometimes, making small sacrifises in order to "fit in" is something one have to live with.
Or not. It's all dependant on hopw desperate a person is to find someone. In either way, I can guarantee that you will find someone, no matter what. Noone is ever going to have a 100% rejection-rate.

(And oh, try meeting people online. It's really quite more of a focus on shared interests and humor. It rocks)

 

[Rusman]

Personally I'd prefer it if girlfriends/potential girlfriends came straight out and told me. With no beating around the bush "Waa I just need some time apart" or "It's not you, it's me" just come out and say you've found someone better, jeez!

Saying that I'm probably guilty of it a few times myself, I try and be straight up with people I am breaking up with. But it can be a bit harsh to come out with "I'm bored and I'm not sure if I'll ever love you so I'd rather not waste your time"... Still, sometimes the truth hurts. But that ain't necessarily a bad thing.