Do you answer why you turn someone down?

[TheRightToArmBears]

They didn't feel the same way about you as you felt about them. There's never really a specific reason. You can't expect someone to force emotions just to not hurt your feelings, but I understand the frustration. This is coming from someone who's been on both sides of the fence (weirdly enough I've rejected more people than people that have rejected me, but that's due to the fact that I'm a coward). It's probably not because of how you look, or your interests or whatever, they just don't feel 'that' way, and it can't be helped. People can't control how they feel, else no one would ever be heartbroken.

EDIT:

I can see why you would want an explanation if someone you were in a relationship with broke up with you, because that means they liked you initially but something changed. If you're rejected when you first ask someone out you're not really entitled to an explanation and asking for one is weird. They're just not interested in you. They're not obliged to accept every offer that comes their way. I'm sure you look fine and are perfectly nice. However, people want more than that if they're going to enter a relationship with someone. To explain it in the most unhelpful way possible, you can like someone well enough, but unless you "click" in some way, like having very similar interests, sense of humour or at least mutual physical attraction, you probably wouldn't go out with them. Assuming you're not incredibly insecure and looking for validation by accepting anyone who shows interest.

Who knows, if you keep trying you might get lucky and stumble across a poor girl with serious self esteem issues. Otherwise, you can just stop actively seeking a relationship and wait until you meet someone you could genuinely see yourself spending time with. I mean, nine people in five years? In five years I'm unlikely to meet nine people I can tolerate, let alone that I would be willing to date. I'm inclined to think your eagerness to enter a relationship is clouding your judgement when it comes to real compatibility with the girls you're asking out.

This guy said it better.

 

[Canadamus Prime]

Never been asked, so I never had to.

 

[ms_sunlight]

I would never, ever tell someone why I was turning them down. Nothing you say will satisfy them, and anyway your thought processes are not necessarily any of their business.

 

[The_Emperor]

you're probs fat or ugly. I am too. I don't mean to be mean but yeah I am so thats the way it comes out.

pretty much girls dont go for anyone remotely fat, nerdy or ugly unless they are themselves or have low self esteem.

so there you are brother we are fat and/or ugly and/or nerdy/weird but dont worry, oneday you will settle for someone that you realise is the best you are going to get.

or maybe you'll get lucky who knows?

it's all bullshit anyway, not that im jaded or anything. If I could change sexual preferences at will I probs would, men have lower standards, he would probs give me a blowjob AND play halo with me afterwards.

lulz

-insert forever alone face here-

 

[manic_depressive13]

I can see why you would want an explanation if someone you were in a relationship with broke up with you, because that means they liked you initially but something changed. If you're rejected when you first ask someone out you're not really entitled to an explanation and asking for one is weird. They're just not interested in you. They're not obliged to accept every offer that comes their way. I'm sure you look fine and are perfectly nice. However, people want more than that if they're going to enter a relationship with someone. To explain it in the most unhelpful way possible, you can like someone well enough, but unless you "click" in some way, like having very similar interests, sense of humour or at least mutual physical attraction, you probably wouldn't go out with them. Assuming you're not incredibly insecure and looking for validation by accepting anyone who shows interest.

Who knows, if you keep trying you might get lucky and stumble across a poor girl with serious self esteem issues. Otherwise, you can just stop actively seeking a relationship and wait until you meet someone you could genuinely see yourself spending time with. I mean, nine people in five years? In five years I'm unlikely to meet nine people I can tolerate, let alone that I would be willing to date. I'm inclined to think your eagerness to enter a relationship is clouding your judgement when it comes to real compatibility with the girls you're asking out.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

It can. ;-)
I am of the opinion that people are rarely rational, but that's a different discussion.

I believe you can rationalize why you like (or do not like) someone, but that this is a posteriori rationalization.

When you are attracted to someone there is more at play than just a collection of positive qualities (which may, or may not be true. 'Cause that's another problem). She might have a beautiful smile, an amazing body and pretty eyes, but there are a thousand other girls with the same qualities. And you're not as attracted to them as you are to this "special" girl.

The same with friends. Sure, there are reasons why you don't hate them, but why do you like them? The reasons you do not dislike them, are not the same as why you like them.

That's the difference. Hatred is always better defined than friendship or love.

we can back and forth this all day. XD
I agree that there is more at work than just looks, but not being able to define why you love THIS specific person is not true in my opinion, it depends on how you look at it and how (much) you think about it.
attraction is more than looks, it's about character, about the strange quirks you have in common or relate to, experiences you share and subjects that interest you both.

I think it is important that you know exactly WHY you love someone, because when things get rough (and they usually do) you can think back and remind yourself why you love her, instead of planning to break up immediately.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

Here's a question for you, though: Do you want someone to want you for who you are, or are you prepared to change parts of you in order to get someone you want?
Take your time and think before you answer.

That doesn't really have a black 'n white answer, does it?
I believe in compromise, I'm willing to change some habits and be considerate towards her, but I'm not changing my interests or personality in order to make it work, because then she wouldn't actually like me.
Like, ME me.
I wouldn't dare to demand such a thing from anyone, really.

 

[Endersgate1321]

My advice is this dont undersell yourself. What your doing is right get to know them first then your more comfortable. But what i says is the most important thing any girl wants is someone who can listen and understand them personally. Just like guys some girls are concieded adn grade A jerks that you dont want.
Anything you from a girl you need to be yourself first. Kind, loving, caring, selfless, and loyal. Sorry to say this looks count too but only to a certain degree. What I mean go for the girl your attracted too. Its pointless to talk to a girl that you are really not feeling it for because that never works out for you or her. Thats all man it comes when it comes be honest about you want too tell them that your looking its not creepy its a fact about you and keep it cool and calm.

 

[Aurora Firestorm]

I will tell someone if I feel that it won't hurt them (or others) too much. "I'm not sure we have enough in common" is definitely something I'd say. And if he asked, I'd certainly explain more, although if it seemed like he was trying to talk me out of my reasoning, I'd be unhappy. Same goes for "I just don't think we'd work well together" or some such thing. I'd also tell him if I had a boyfriend or if I was interested in other people.

What I won't say are things like, "I don't think you're attractive." I know that if that was the reason someone rejected me, I would never, ever want them to tell me this. That's basically giving them a ton of reasons to be insecure and never ask a girl out again for fear she'll call him ugly. Same for any other bodily reason like "you smell funny" or "you pick your nose" or whatever. I don't want to draw shame to the person, and as such, I'll find another excuse.

I also won't tell them any other people I'm interested in, or that someone told me bad things about them ("you're a creeper and I know it but you're hiding it well -- my best friends aren't going to lie to me"). At that point, someone else could be the object of the guy's retaliation, and I don't think anyone deserves that crap.

There's also the "it's not you; it's me" reasoning, which I will certainly say, and I will explain it because honestly, everyone thinks it's a lie. But when I know I have too much baggage for the guy, I think it's worth giving them a legitimate story as to why I think I'm too broken for them. It makes them feel like I'm not just lying through my teeth.

I am a magnet for gay men, I don't get why, I have a girlfriend, I dress normally, I don't give out a gay vibe (at least I don't think so), but every time I go out into the city, I have to tell some gay dude that I am not his type. Freaking weird.

So my answer to your question would be: I am not gay.

Maybe you're just that hot? ^^

 

[LassLisa]

I wouldn't like to say why if it's a situation like that, because the feeling I get when I hear the question is that the asker is assuming the default should be 'yes' - that is, you should always accept dates unless you have a specific reason not to. For instance in the case you describe, say you're my friend, our friendship is fine, maybe I don't particularly want it to become something else.

What this means is, if I give you a reason, then I'm afraid the conversation isn't over. Say that, in addition to not having the personality I find attractive, you smell bad. That would be great feedback for you to get for the future! But, I don't want you to come back in a month with the attitude that "I started showering, now you have to date me". Giving a reason turns the rejection from a firm "No" into a list of conditions.

Again, in the condition you give, my friend has just made a pass at me; I am not thinking of my friend in that way and am kind of hoping we can get right back to being friends ASAP. Being on edge for the next month or months worrying that he's only started [showering, being polite, dressing nicely, avoiding racist or misogynist comments, etc] because he's still holding a torch for me and could put me on the spot again at any time? Do not want.

Plus, already being friends makes it less likely that they'll be comfortable with insulting you or telling you horrible things about yourself, especially if they're not changeable (or if they think you'll get defensive and turn it in to an argument).

 

[Xeraxis]

I've never turned anyone down; I've always been on the other side of rejection. In fact, I have a 100% rejection rate, and I don't think that will ever change. I know the general reasons why, but I'm always left at a loss as to the specifics.

Pretty much what this guy said. No one has ever bothered to ask me out, and the few times I manage to ask someone out, they always say no and always don't bother with giving a reason as to why. It would be nice if one did so I could change what I'm doing wrong or understand a personal situation, but alas never happens.

 

[Not-here-anymore]

The temptation to say "Look, you're really boring, and I only asked you out in the first place because you kept following me around and I liked the attention" can be high, but I decided that actually saying it would probably have been a little cruel.

So... I won't always give a reason, no. Not that I'm spurning the advances of various women all that often...

I am a magnet for gay men, I don't get why, I have a girlfriend, I dress normally, I don't give out a gay vibe (at least I don't think so), but every time I go out into the city, I have to tell some gay dude that I am not his type. Freaking weird.

So my answer to your question would be: I am not gay.

I get this a lot, for some reason. However, despite it having happened several times, I still can't understand that a guy is hitting on me, even after they've started buying me drinks. It's distinctly more awkward to explain that you're not in fact gay after you seem to have been responding well to someone's advances.
Equally oblivious towards women, but that doesn't happen so often.

 

[Tharwen]

How about "I'm just not interested in you, in the same way that you have no interest in the guy who sold you a coffee this morning or the people you work with. I simply have no desire to be with you".

You're just one of the billions of people that those girls aren't interested in a relationship with.

EDIT: This is going to be an opinion that I'll look back on and hate myself for thinking in a few years...

Dear future me: sorry our opinions differ but I don't know any better yet.

 

[Realitycrash]

Here's a question for you, though: Do you want someone to want you for who you are, or are you prepared to change parts of you in order to get someone you want?
Take your time and think before you answer.

That doesn't really have a black 'n white answer, does it?
I believe in compromise, I'm willing to change some habits and be considerate towards her, but I'm not changing my interests or personality in order to make it work, because then she wouldn't actually like me.
Like, ME me.
I wouldn't dare to demand such a thing from anyone, really.

Well, would you change your appearance in order to get someone you like? (or is it someone specific? Your post didn't seem to point to that, but I could be wrong). Appearance counts for a lot (more than it should, but that's why I asked if you were prepared to give something up), and after the physical attraction is done, people tend to start noticing the person behind it. Rarely is it the other way around.

 

[CleverCover]

I tell people that I'm focusing on getting into Med School because that is generally more important than anything else.

Also, it's easier than saying I'm not all that into you and would rather be friends.

It's a mixture of both answers, actually.

 

[Combustion Kevin]

Well, would you change your appearance in order to get someone you like? (or is it someone specific? Your post didn't seem to point to that, but I could be wrong). Appearance counts for a lot (more than it should, but that's why I asked if you were prepared to give something up), and after the physical attraction is done, people tend to start noticing the person behind it. Rarely is it the other way around.

well, I'm not going after anyone specific, not anymore anyway, and personally I think I look decent.
then again, being a straight man I'd make a poor judge of that.
I'm in decent shape being 1.82m tall and weighing 67.2 Kg (haven't checked that since...forever), I've been riding my bike anywhere I go since I was nine (I live 16 Km away from the civilised world) so my physique can't really be the issue, can it?
although I think you may have a point:

I am born with a blind eye, and it looks derpy as hell, so I wear an eye-patch to cover it up.
when I smile I look like an idiot, and all in all my face is not a great marvel to behold, honestly.
I grow my hair long too, but I like it that way.

 

[(sic) humor]

I feel you're obligated to give a polite answer, even if it isn't your "true" reason.

"You're just not my type."

"I'm just not looking for a relationship now."

"I have a boy/girlfriend."

"I'm interested in someone else."

These are all totally legitimate reasons, but they're also good fall-backs if you don't want to give the person you're turning down a complete explanation. Doubly so if you want to spare their feelings.

 

[Imperioratorex Caprae]

None of your business. If someone says no to someone else there's no right or entitlement to know why you got shot down. Welcome to the real world.
Now, if they don't want to give you the time of day enough to tell you, why the fuck do you even care? They aren't worth whatever effort you just put out to say something to them.

 

[faspxina]

This.

I simply can't imagine being romantically interested in someone that I can not count among my friends first.

Must be connected to this

the only thing that all the girls I've dated will unanimously agree on is that I am a "good friend"

 

[NoOne852]

I usually reply with the answer as to why I do not want to be with them. However, when I ask someone out, I do not expect to receive an explination if I am turned down.