Escape to the Movies: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Kids Deserved Better Than This

[Laughingboy]

I would like to start with a couple of off topic questions and an answer. Does every know why movie critics exists and why people listen to them? Answer, because you either agree with their critique of the movie or you respect their opinion enough to allow it to help you decide if something is worth it. Never not once has Bob put out a review that after I've seen the movie haven't thought was justified. So every one can take any complaints they have and go find another reviewer please. Specially people that didn't even watch the review.

Now on to the movie. I have to wonder if Bay making them aliens wouldn't have actually made this movie better. I mean wow the origin story, what a turd of an idea. I mean "After rumors of a bio enhanced ninja army called the Foot Clan surface. April O'Neil discovers her fathers lost research and uses it to find her lost pet turtles her father created and she released as a child." Well already got a better front half of the movie."Discovers her 'pets' are not only humanoid but vigilante ninjas now, decides to use this as a chance to be taken more seriously as a reporter." They ripped that from the first movie though. They don't even need to touch on splinter and shredder being enemies previously. Just make Aprils boss the Shredder like they wanted and a bad guy that killed her father. Or if stuck on making splinter and shredder enemies. "Splinter raised the turtles ninjas because he was a lab tech exposed to the same ooze they were and already was a part time martial arts instructor focused on Ninjitsu, or a special forces operative that Eric Sacks experimented on." There solved the origin story. Now the rest of the movie. "After meeting April and finding out what Eric Sacks was doing they decide to stop him, and keep him from making any more bio enhanced soldiers." End with a Baxter Stockman reviving Eric Sacks and we have sequel fodder and a half way decent movie premise.

I don't understand why they couldn't do that instead of the pile that this movie is. I even give them and excuse to make April half the movie. I just don't get why they tried to reinvent the hero saves the world story with "Boom, off color joke, lewd joke, punch something".

 

[EyeReaper]

Are Pizzas that fucking big in New York? (more of a nitpick, and if true, I'm jealous)

As far as I am aware (although my best source is second hand, so don't take what I say as absolute truth) but New Yorkers don't really prize pizza more than any other city.

TMNT included it because A. the ninjas always liked pizza and B. they had a big promotional deal with some pizza joint. I think it was Pizza Hut, but I zoned those commercials out whenever they came on.

I uh, meant the size. the slices were wider than the turtles heads.

snip

I know, and I really didn't want to, but...
A: I try not to judge books by their covers, so to speak, and
B: All my friends I was with wanted to see it, even after I said I didn't want to. (If it was up to me, we would've seen Lucy) and, well, I'd rather watch a stinker with friends than be a killjoy alone, you know?

 

[Not G. Ivingname]

Are Pizzas that fucking big in New York? (more of a nitpick, and if true, I'm jealous)

As far as I am aware (although my best source is second hand, so don't take what I say as absolute truth) but New Yorkers don't really prize pizza more than any other city.

TMNT included it because A. the ninjas always liked pizza and B. they had a big promotional deal with some pizza joint. I think it was Pizza Hut, but I zoned those commercials out whenever they came on.

I uh, meant the size. the slices were wider than the turtles heads.

...

OH.

X_X

I thought you meant in the figuritity sense... No idea if they offer the size that big, although I am sure someone in New York offers delivery of a pizza that size.

 

[Logience]

Jeez, Bob sounded really reserved in this review. I'm guessing it's because of the "If I have emotions, then everyone will call me biased" train of thought.

They call him biased already.

Implying I didn't already know that.

 

[Something Amyss]

You mean you haven't seen Transformers 2?

I stopped trying to measure Bay's vileness after that, but I can't imagine anything being worse. That movie literally inserted shit into my brain.

TBH, I have only seen the first and a few minutes of 2 and 3.

I thought Bayformers would be just what I wanted. Big stompy robots, epic battles, and explosions. It seemed like a decent fit. I wouldn't trust Bay to do a serious movie (especially after Pearl Harbour), but I thought at least I could get a fun summer movie. And instead, I got...a nap.

So I just didn't bother with 2 or 3 or 4. I wish more of the people who hated the movies had done the same. I mean, I'm not knocking Bob, who has an actual reason to go see films he won't like (being, you know, a movie reviewer/critic), but God, it was amazing how many of the same voices chimed in to hate TF 3 and 4 on their respective opening nights.

I'm also a little bothered here because it looks like a lot of the same haters are the ones who saw this at opening and are giving it what's being reported as a "strong" mid-week opening. That's the sort of thing that guarantees sequels. Bob's calling for a reboot even as early indicators say this will be a hit. I'm kind of hoping those indicators are wrong, but....

Can't we go back to the 2007 version? It was flawed, but...I enjoyed it. Even if April was voiced by a robot and Casey was Captain America. And the whole thing was kind of a Gargoyles ripoff.

I'm genuinely sorry this happened, Bob. Here, allow the Warp Zone to blind you to this with nostalgia:

And it has Andre in it. Win/win.

Why is hating on that awful Catwoman movie "smug and self righteous", but it's okay for you to constantly talk about how much you hate the Amazing Spiderman movies?

Those movies aren't even as bad as Catwoman.

It's always different when we do it.

 

[Dandres]

Agreed, I always tell my friends they can not complain about a sequel being made if they saw the first movie during opening weekend.

 

[Something Amyss]

I uh, meant the size. the slices were wider than the turtles heads.

I thought you meant in the figuritity sense... No idea if they offer the size that big, although I am sure someone in New York offers delivery of a pizza that size.

Authentic itallian-style (YMMV) pizza is often served in large slices, but given the size of these turtles, I'm skeptical that they make slices large enough. Though maybe. I just question the demand for 50" pizzas.

 

[the.chad]

While I can't comment on the movie as I haven't seen it.
Fully agree with Bob saying that kids movies don't have to be bland & boring.
Take Pixar as the perfect example. Not only pointing at kids at there key demographic.
But making engaging characters and enjoyable films for adults as well.
(and make a butt tonne of cash as well!!)

 

[80sboy]

I mean, when there's similar outcry regarding movies like Argo I can understand it since it involved an existing person; but from what I remember being Japanese has never been a big part of Shredder's character.


Besides, the idea of William Fichtner being Shredder just sounded so freaking cool.

His name is Oroku Saki, he's from Japan, YES IT IS A BIG THING! You would have to really go purposely out of your way to whitewash a character like that. That's like creating a live action version of Aladdin, having it set in Arabia, and whitewashing all of them just because... just because! I mean Aladdin is a fictional tale too, so how would it hurt!


OT: As for the movie itself...? I saw it and... I remember how embarrassingly stupid the whole ninja rapping with Vanilla Ice part was as a kid. Now I don't see that as being so bad compared to the movie I saw today.

Also... once again. The coolest aspects of the cartoon: technodrome, dimension x. Were completely left out even though today the technology is there to make it with special effects. With the 1990 movie considering it's low production value even for the time... I can completely understand. Now? Not so much.

 

[truckspond]

Michael Bay sees himself as a fine wine when really he's just McDonalds fries, Getting worse with age and should have quit after the first movie

 

[IrisNetwork]

RIP Being Nice to Michael Bay 2014-2014
HOORAY!

Please let this movie bomb so we can have the reboot that takes everything from the cartoon Bob showed. Have Bebop, Rocksteady, Technodrome and Dimension X.

Besides, its not like there isn't a better looking talking antropomorphic animal (and plant) in a fresh, FUN, sci-fi adventure in the same multiplex.

 

[Caostotale]

So who was this made for?

It was made for an audience of people who would never take the time to visit a site like Escapist, read a film review, or even watch a film review that panders to lazy folk by incorporating entertaining trailer footage and visual cues. The only filter that might exist for a lot of these people is some vague and passive nostalgia for brand of 'Ninja Turtles' (or Transformers, GI Joe, etc...). I honestly wish more of the people who are aware of this shit ahead of time would stop going to see these turkeys to 'see how terrible it turns out' since in today's world of artless entertainment, all that matters are asses in seats. In short, people need to grow up and become okay with cutting themselves loose from a mass culture they know is total shit. Otherwise, it just helps to maintain a situation as awful as the Final Fantasy situation Jim was complaining about recently (i.e. FFXIII looked ridiculous and a lot of gamers knew it would suck ahead of time, yet everybody still ignored the reviews and their own instincts and bought the fucking thing anyway, to a point where no amount of 20/20 hindsight could undo the fact that the game sold like crazy and, by that criterion, was a 'hit'. I predict the same will happen with the fifteenth game, which somehow looks even shittier than XIII)

 

[Andrew Wagner]

I've yelled at you before for bashing what I and many others thought were good movies but I actually agree with you 100%. This was the only movie I can remember thinking when I was in the middle of watching it "Wow this is actually terrible and I have to just sit here and watch it till it's over, this is kind of the worst". I refuse to leave a movie I paid to watch but I came very close to doing just that.

 

[LazyAza]

Not unexpected this turned out crap at all, but a real shame their isn't anything in it for kids.

Thankfully we had Guardians come out last week, now their is a movie EVERYONE even young kids can get tonnes out of.

Not to mention the latest cgi turtles cartoon isn't bad so at least current kids didn't miss out completely on getting a cool new version of the turtles. I honestly prefer the 2003 series myself despite being 17 when it was on tv.

 

[FPLOON]

Speaking of which, what's the general consensus here on the current TMNT cartoon?

I'd say it's a Teen Titans-esque take on the Turtles lore in general[footnote]Which doesn't surprise me that some of the writers from the show worked on the Teen Titans animated series...[/footnote], balancing out the humor with the serious as well as making a pretty decent continuing plotline between the Turtles and their villain roster, Splinter and Shredder's overall past, and even teenager April O'Neil's connection to the Kraang... Overall, it's the second best show to come out of Nick, if you're counting the complete Avatar series, that manages to still throw in a few twist along the way to keep those already familiar with the source material interested...

OT: Yeah... I'll wait until Nick showcases this movie on their channel... or until I'm watching in off Netflix with my cousins so that we can laugh at how much we can't believe what's happening on screen...

Plus, if[footnote]*laughs* "If"... *continues laughing, which turns to exaggerated sobbing*[/footnote] there's going to be a sequel to this, does that mean they'll take a page out of ASM2 and have too many villains as well as having a case of the "Gwen Stacy Effect", maybe?

 

[putowtin]

I have been waiting for this...
Not the movie review, as soon as it was announced I knew it would suck...
Not how much it sucked, it was Michael Bay destroying another franchise of course it would suck this bad
No I was waiting for Bob to see it, I'm sorry dude, I know how you feel, and you're right, the kids do deserve better.

Have a beer watch some vintage turtles and don't get too bitter.

 

[webkilla]

Another critic I know is looking for some quotes from the movie, from Michelangelo's hitting on April - he wants to take screenshots of the old classic cartoon and add the new lewd dialogue to them - to highlight just how stupid a change in character that is

 

[Batou667]

I want to make one small remark regarding the racebending Shredder would have had if Fichtner had played him.

Is it really that big of a deal?

I mean, when there's similar outcry regarding movies like Argo I can understand it since it involved an existing person; but from what I remember being Japanese has never been a big part of Shredder's character.

I'm in the same boat. At best this raises a "meh" from me - Shredder never struck me as really being any distinct enthnicity back when I watched the cartoons, all you can see are his not-particulary-Oriental eyes and a bit of not-particularly-tanned skin.

The only really "Japanese" character in the cartoon I remember was Master Splinter, and that was in the most clichéd, "Ah so, Daniel-san" vein of stereotyping a martial arts master. Hardly a deep and accurate minority character worthy of "celebration"...

So yeah, I'm not surprised that Bob yet again noted this "whitewashing", but I'd have to ask - does it really matter every time? Especially when other characters in various movie/comic franchises are getting race-swapped and gender-swapped with some regularity now?

 

[Lilani]

I want to make one small remark regarding the racebending Shredder would have had if Fichtner had played him.

Is it really that big of a deal?

I mean, when there's similar outcry regarding movies like Argo I can understand it since it involved an existing person; but from what I remember being Japanese has never been a big part of Shredder's character.

I'm in the same boat. At best this raises a "meh" from me - Shredder never struck me as really being any distinct enthnicity back when I watched the cartoons, all you can see are his not-particulary-Oriental eyes and a bit of not-particularly-tanned skin.

The only really "Japanese" character in the cartoon I remember was Master Splinter, and that was in the most clichéd, "Ah so, Daniel-san" vein of stereotyping a martial arts master. Hardly a deep and accurate minority character worthy of "celebration"...

So yeah, I'm not surprised that Bob yet again noted this "whitewashing", but I'd have to ask - does it really matter every time? Especially when other characters in various movie/comic franchises are getting race-swapped and gender-swapped with some regularity now?

I didn't feel like Bob was criticizing the whitewashing so much as their slapdash way of fixing it. He explains much of the movie was already shot with the idea of that one dude being Shredder and only later in production did they make the call to make them two separate people, and this change was apparently painfully obvious in the final product.