Face-Chomping "Vampire" Attacks Geriatric At Hooters

Earnest Cavalli

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Jun 19, 2008
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Face-Chomping "Vampire" Attacks Geriatric At Hooters



A 22-year-old Florida woman has been arrested for assaulting an elderly man. Her rationale? Vampirism.

Before I get into the pertinent details of this case, I would like to take a moment to urge you all to again read that headline. I realize you're likely reading this article, hoping that I'm somehow obfuscating the truth to generate pageviews, but no, dear reader, I'm being totally straight with you all. That headline is exactly what happened.

The Smoking Gun reports:

Josephine Smith, 22, was arrested today and charged with felony aggravated battery on an elderly person.

"I'm a vampire, I am going to eat you," Smith announced before allegedly attacking Milton Ellis, according to an arrest affidavit.

Ellis, 69, received stitches to close up wounds suffered during the assault, which occurred in front of a vacant Hooters in St. Petersburg. Cops says Ellis, who uses a motorized wheelchair, was asleep when Smith pounced on him, commenced biting, and announced that she was a vampire.

Ellis survived the assault, despite major, bloody facial wounds, and made his way to a nearby gas station to phone the authorities. On arrival, the arresting officers found Smith near the scene of the attack covered in blood, sans pants and with her panties around her ankles.

Understandably curious about this whole thing, the officers questioned Smith, but she was unable to explain the attack or why she was partially au naturel.

I'd like to posit the idea that there may be more going on here than it seems. This is speculation, mind you, but at this point, what else do we have to work with?

Smith is a 22-year-old college student with no apparent criminal history. Ellis has been described by police as "a transient" who has 12 arrests over the last four years for things like disorderly intoxication and battery.

I think you can all see where I'm going with this. Obviously Josephine Smith is a child of the night inflicting her demonic bloodlust on the innocent in a quest to build an unstoppable undead army and/or raise Dracula from the dead.

Likewise, Ellis may or may not be a descendent of the Belmont clan. Honestly, I haven't worked that part out.

Questions? Anyone?

Source: Geekologie [http://www.thesmokinggun.com/documents/bizarre/female-vampire-bites-old-man-876543]

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McMullen

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Mar 9, 2010
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Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bite out of crime.

Yeah.

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?
 

Cheesus333

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Aug 20, 2008
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McMullen said:
Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bit out of crime.

YEEEEEEEEEEAH!

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?
That was almost totally right, well done. Fixed it a bit though.

OT: Stupid demented woman is stupid and demented. Possibly read a little too much of a certain contemporary book/film series known for inciting more than a little craziness in young women?
 
Feb 13, 2008
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McMullen said:
Looks like someone decided to...

*puts on sunglasses*

Take a bit out of crime.

Yeah.

That was my first time doing that. Did I do it right?
You're not getting the Yeah quite right. It's a bit more


http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/csi-4-pane-comics#.Tmpp7exLqSo
 

FogHornG36

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Jan 29, 2011
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I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!
 

Xan Krieger

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Feb 11, 2009
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FogHornG36 said:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!
damn I got ninja'd, I was gonna say almost the exact same thing. For my slowness I blame Final Fantasy X as I can't stop grinding levels right now.
 

Therumancer

Citation Needed
Nov 28, 2007
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Interesting story, I doubt we'll hear anything more about it even if details are uncovered though.

The thing that gets me is that the guy in the wheelchair is apparently the seedy one, while the girl that did it is by all reports a fairly docile, law abiding citizen.

I'd be wondering about things like hypnosis or something here personally because this behavior is just so unreal that I can't see someone breaking down like that without any previous signs (and I mean notable ones that would have likely influanced her record) all
at once, especially not in a public place.

I have on the other hand seen hynotists take people out of an audience, hypnotize them into thinking they are a dog, make them do tricks, and then have them sit back down and forget the whole thing to the amusement of the audience. While movies exagerrate what can be done with brain washing, this is really the only way I could see someone being made to do this in the way this went down.
 

McMullen

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You think Fox will be on later tonight about the dangers of letting kids read books?
 

Pandaman1911

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Jan 3, 2011
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...I don't get it. No criminal history, and just all of a sudden mauls a sleeping old man with her mouth, and has no pants on when the cops show up?

This is either drugs or a mental breakdown. Or both!
 

Baresark

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Dec 19, 2010
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I don't know, with a jaw line like that, she could be a descendant of the fabled Belmont clan. Obviously, the family curse is following her and Dracula decided to cast a magic spell on her to discredit them... CASTLEVANIA is COMING!!!!! I think that creature of chaos would not do well in Florida though.... perhaps Washington state, where they get a lot more rainfall.... you know, for ambiance.
 

Epictank of Wintown

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Jan 8, 2009
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Pandaman1911 said:
...I don't get it. No criminal history, and just all of a sudden mauls a sleeping old man with her mouth, and has no pants on when the cops show up?

This is either drugs or a mental breakdown. Or both!
Or the wounds on his face are self-defense wounds inflicted by the so-called "vampire."
 

Jandau

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Dec 19, 2008
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FogHornG36 said:
I blame Twilight!

This is what happens when kids read the books, and watch the movies, i demand we take them off the shelves right-away!
Don't you get it, it's video games' fault. Only gaming can make a person THAT violent. She must have played too much Vampire: Bloodlines and Castlevania...
 

Jaser

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Mar 30, 2010
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Of course she's in Florida. We seem to have all the bloody nuts here.