Forget the Friend Zone, it's OK to be attracted to a friend

[Silverfox99]

There is nothing wrong with being attracted to a friend. Often what attracts you to a person as a friend are the same qualities that will attract you to them for a relationship. It's not if you are attracted to them. It's how you handle it. Understand that not everyone will want to be with you, but more importantly understand that this does not mean you are a piece of shit. I have friends I highly value as people, and that are just amazing, but because of how I want my life to go and the things I need out of a relationship we could never be together. This does not make that person any less amazing.

About the whole friendzone thing, you friendzone yourself. If you are friendzoned it is because of how you handled the situation and continue to handle the situation. Being friendzoned is about your insecurity and your inability to accept other peoples choices

 

[Darken12]

I could say I friend-zoned one of my best girl friends when she told me she liked me in a romantic way. I told her very clearly that I only saw her as a friend. We spent some time not seeing each other and now hang out on the regular again. I'm pretty sure she would still be interested in a relationship but she has dealt with the fact that it probably won't happen. She is in the friend-zone, with little hope of escape. She was mad for a bit but I can understand that, rejection is a *****.
Anecdotal experience aside, what I'm trying to say is that the friend-zone exists, and proper communication/respect for one another is key to getting over it.

Has she actually used the word friendzone? Because she could just be dealing with rejection in her own way. For all you know, she could behave exactly like that if she got rejected by a complete stranger. If she doesn't use the word herself, it's not evidence of anything.

Nobody is saying that the situation where a friend might reject another friend who wants a relationship or sex doesn't happen. What we're saying is that people have invented a word for that specific situation as a way to avoid dealing with the fact that it's a rejection like any other and that it's not something you can "get out of".

But what I hate the most is men playing the victim when they use that term. Most of the time, you're not a poor victim and she is not a *****. It's very likely you're an emotionally manipulative, misogynistic douchebag and she can tell, or, best case scenario, you're just too immature to accept rejection like an adult.

 

[DrunkenMonkey]

I no longer have problems with the friend zone concept. Being friends with girls is enough for me. I get to enjoy and spend time with them, and possibly develop and emotional connection to some of them. Trying to go beyond is one of those trade offs that people just really have to risk, because you know love and all that jazz. I mean I've lost several friends trying to advance the relationship, and honestly it's not worth the risk in most cases.

I know it's a bit cowardly, but honestly I don't even care I would rather have a friend in my life that I can stick with for as long as possible, than risk losing forever because of a hormonal blunder. Because the ongoing interaction is what I truly value...

 

[Dango]

Well yeah, when has it not been OK to be attracted to a friend? If someone actually actually thinks that being attracted to a friend is morally or socially reprehensible, then quite frankly, they are a massive fuckhead.

 

[Mossberg Shotty]

I've actually been racking my brain lately because I'm really attracted to one of my friends. But no matter what mental tactics I try, I can't seem to shake said feelings. Whats worse is that its not just affection, it's resulted in pointless jealousy, self-loathing and anxiety. I don't buy into the whole "friendzone" thing though, I think the best couples almost always start out as friends.

 

[Yopaz]

It's been so long since we've had a friend-zone thread here I was hoping that fad has passed just to be briefly mention in other threads. I was wrong. I hate being wrong sometimes...

 

[Vault101]

I like to think that our generation will be remembered for this "comic".

Spoiler: Trigger warning oh god rape trigger warning to the max. You're probably better not clicking on this box at all

what....

what the fuck was that?

 

[Darken12]

I like to think that our generation will be remembered for this "comic".

Spoiler: Trigger warning oh god rape trigger warning to the max. You're probably better not clicking on this box at all

what....

what the fuck was that?

Rape culture.

I know, I know, I'm a broken record. But seriously, that is exactly what the PUA community thinks about the friendzone, and they use more or less those same tactics (though with less saiyan hair and more negging).

 

[Slayer_2]

The whole "friend zone" idea implies a fundamentally narcissistic and solipsistic way of looking at human interaction. In this framework, women are not autonomous individuals with their own preferences and desires. Any woman will be attracted to you as long as you do X and avoid Y: if she isn't interested in you, it's not that you aren't attractive to her, it's that she unfairly wrote you off because you were too "kind" or "caring" or whatever.

The whole thing has a gross belief underlying it that you are entitled to any woman you want and that you can be with any woman you want as long as you manipulate her properly. The view holds that dating and sex are purely transactional, that male-female friendship is inherently worthless, that any woman can be bedded by your being an aggressive douchebag, and the whole thing just reeks of misogyny, entitlement, and false victimhood. Very common among Nice Guys? who *~*~don't understand*~*~ why women are all such stupid bitches who only date assholes and friendzone every Nice Guy? who'd treat them right.

Fuck outta here wit that buuuullshit.

This is pretty much my thoughts exactly. Thank you for saving me the time and energy of typing them out. Nice Guys?, make me want to use my forehead to break a concrete block.

 

[BathorysGraveland2]

Isn't that a given? I'll be the first to admit some of my female friends are hot as hell. Is it actually considered a negative/taboo in some places to be attracted to friends of the opposite sex? (Or the same, if you're gay).

 

[Vault101]

Rape culture.

I know, I know, I'm a broken record. But seriously, that is exactly what the PUA community thinks about the friendzone, and they use more or less those same tactics (though with less saiyan hair and more negging).

I'm not even sure I get it....

its not satire? I mean, they actually "Ima gonna fuckin rape this ***** for putting me in the freindzone" <-I mean ok not as literally as that...I'm assuming its a joke but

I mean what the fuck...seriously

 

[Darken12]

I'm not even sure I get it....

its not satire? I mean, they actually "Ima gonna fuckin rape this ***** for putting me in the freindzone" <-I mean ok not as literally as that...I'm assuming its a joke but

I mean what the fuck...seriously

Nah, it's more of an Alpha male thing. I'm pretty sure they intend it to be consensual, but following the uniquely disgusting brand of PUA logic, that women are naturally inferior and submissive and all they need is to be reminded of their place by an Alpha male and they will willingly submit to the power of the asshole douchebag.

It's really awful backwards thinking that perpetuates disgusting misogynistic ideas, but it's pretty much the thing I see the most when it comes to "getting out of the friendzone". This type of thinking is very common, which is why I oppose the idea of the friend zone as often as I can. It leads to very dark places.

 

[Ryotknife]

Spoiler

I honestly have nothing further to add to a response like that.

Cool!

The concept of friendzoning is found in both genders :S why is it when it's discussed male this and insecure boys that are always mentioned?

Not equally, no. The vast proportion of people complaining about the friendzone are male. While I would agree that some women use the term, they are a very small minority. And they too are being immature when they do that.

and yet you are using it to villianize men. You have an extremely warped view of friendzoning. It is nothing more than someone being shot down after putting oneself on the line but the other member just wants to be friends. There is no victim because there is no crime.

If say a woman finally mustered the courage to ask a guy out whom she had a secret crush on and was rejected, is she a victim? No. You would feel bad for her, sure, because having your heart broken can be soul crushing. The only thing she is a "victim" of is bad luck. Same thing with friendzoning. Not to mention, the term friendzone is often used by OTHERS to describe what happened to a rejected person. If friendzoning was only used by the individual in question as a way to cope with rejection in an unhealthy manner, others would not readily use it to describe what happens.

It is nothing more than feeling pity for someone who was rejected and is now just friends, not some sort of insidious plot. Honestly, your idea of friendzoning sounds as batty as conspiracy theorists. At worst, if a person self describes her/his situation as being friendzoned s/he might be looking for pity, but thats about it.

and before you ask, no i have not been friendzoned. If anything I would be the friendzoner as I dont believe that turning a long standing friendship into something more serious is a good idea.

 

[JemothSkarii]

Whole lotta privilege being checked in here...

Anyways, my thoughts on the Friend Zone? I think it exists. I'll try and make it abridged:
*Be with girl for several years
*Girl cheats on me several times, we get back together.
*One time when we're back together, she's like 'Nah, I don't love you, but let's be friends '
*Proceeds to run off with my best friend

Granted, I'm kinda lucky in that regard because I wound up with someone better. But that to me is the friendzone: Being in a relationship, being dumped and then 'Let's be the friends'. So yeah, don't say that I'm some sniveling brat that got rejected by some crush, or that I'm...I dunno, contributing to rape culture (I say that because that's what this thread has effectively devolved into).

P.S: Yes, I['m better off now, but that's why I 'believe' there's a friendzone. As for the difficulty with rejection? Different generation sure, but everyone needs something to blame.

 

[Atrocious Joystick]

I don't get the deal with the friend zone. You can bang a friend if you're both attracted to each other it's not a stopping block. Or if you're not friends, you can still bang. Hate-sex. It's the best kind of sex. Right up there with japanese tentacle porn.

 

[Phasmal]

I would suggest if people don't want to be associated with the Nice Guys, then maybe don't use the term friendzone?
It's really not difficult.

Also, it's probably for the best. I know that me and a lot of my friends see a guy as an automatic `No` if he bitches about the friendzone and how nobody likes `nice guys`.

Now, there's nothing wrong with being attracted to your friends, and dealing with that in a mature way.
But if your friend isn't into it, they aren't into it. They haven't put you in a magical box that it's somehow your duty to try and get out of.
They just turned you down.

 

[TriGGeR_HaPPy]

Heh. This thread is quite amusing...

Anyway, OP: For the whole "it's okay to be attracted to a friend" thing, well of course it is. If your friend of your preferred gender is attractive, it's natural to be attracted to them.

If you choose to come clean about your feelings, how the pair of you react to it will differ from person to person and complications may arise from it. And if you choose not to come clean about your feelings (whether you're already in a relationship, or just not ready to enter into a new one, or whatever the reason), then it's up to you to deal with it. But the act of just being attracted to a friend doesn't have to be a bad thing by any means, and furthermore, isn't what I'd call the friend-zone anyway.

Following the many posts in this thread about how the term or idea of the "friend-zone" is somehow inherently bad:

One of my friends in particular has had a particularly unlucky spree with women. Always being friends with them, then being attracted to them, then coming clean about their feelings for them, and then (unfortunately) being shut down, but still friends with them. That's what I'd call the friend-zone.

And no, I don't think it's some bs-excuse to lay the blame on the other party, i.e. the person who doesn't want to be more than friends. Every time I've seen it happen to my friend and other people I know, being friend-zoned is something they've dealt with each in their own way, in much the same way that they'd deal with being rejected by someone they'd just met. Hell, the phrase "friend-zone" itself has barely been used at all in any of those situations.

To me and practically everyone I know, the term friend-zone just means that rejection you get from a friend after asking them out unsuccessfully, as opposed to the rejection from someone you didn't know as a friend. Not once have I seen the phrase or idea of the friend-zone been used as an excuse to lay blame on the other person and to avoid dealing with the rejection. And I think that if you know someone who does use the phrase "friend-zone" in this way, then it's a problem with the person, not the phrase.

 

[Reikan]

Their should never be a friendzone. If you are friends with a girl fine. If you are friends with a girl and you want to rail the living shit out of her, fine. If you are friends with a girl and you want to date said girl, not fine. Ask her out/confess attraction whatever you gotta do, and then if she rejects you outright, leave. Never talk to her again.

I just saved everyone a lot of bullshit.

 

[Findlebob]

Its the most soul crushing state of existance a human can live in. Not that im bitter or anything.

 

[Spinozaad]

The Friend Zone is a mental construct, or rather a mental prison people lock themselves up in.

If you become "friends" with someone with the intent of getting a Relationship Upgrade, than you're hilariously naive (at best) or a horrible human being (at worst). If you're actually friends (emphasis on both words) with someone, and you develop feelings for said someone and said someone doesn't reciprocate said feelings, you're not "put in the Friend Zone", you were denied said Relationship Upgrade. Since you were already in her/his circle of friends to begin with.

If you barely know someone, confess your romantic feelings and he/she says they want to be friends, they only want to be acquaintances. They're trying to spare your feelings by, rather awkwardly stating, 'you're not a horrible person, but I just don't think of you as someone I want to have sex with.' No more, no less.

As for attraction towards female friends. Just because they're hot, does not mean I'd bang them if given the chance. Is there a sexual attraction? Certainly, because they're hot. Fact is, there are thousands of girls equally hot who come without the friendship dynamic and are thus easier to bang.

-Edit-

Want to know in which category you fall? Here's a self-test: does the object of your affection have any negative traits? If not, and you think he/she is a perfect human being who never has diarrhea, then you're not really friends as it is. So you're either Type 1 or Type 3.