Friends Zone (AKA why aren't we doing this?)

[RandallJohn]

I think by far the worst "just friends" line I've ever gotten was the whole "I love you like a brother" thing. Always comes off as awkward.

This. I apparently have about twenty siblings my parents knew nothing about. I hate that line.

 

[Gudrests]

Queue teenage girls reading this thread for some unknown reason and saying, "But dating friends is weird."

To be honest, I've never seen anyone escape the Friend Zone, I wouldn't mind seeing some stories of people here if they have.

I HAVE....good sir I don't know how..one day all of a sudden she was like...I like you, I want to date you. It was like 3 days after a wrestling match and right before I wrecked someone I winked at her and everyone looked...then kinda kissed her on the cheek after......But it lasted a week. I had balls during the match...I had balls after the match..I left my balls home on the date lol

 

[derelict]

Usually if I put a guy there it means I respect him more and don't want to destroy a good friendship.

This is absolutely UN-true. If ya think they'll somehow be less tolerant that you constantly whine about your problems that they wouldn't likely do with men that they likely aren't when you're with them...well, lemme borrow those blinders you're wearing so I can watch the eclipse.

I also see that we are incompatible in ways that are important to myself. Its really hard to date someone who is incompatible.

This, however is spot on. A lot of people can see the signs, early on. There's a little fairly neurotic girl at work that is pining away for my affections daily whilst dropping me subtle hints, despite the fact that I'm clearly not one for subtle hints. In fact, some years back a girl I was with didn't ask 'do I look good in this', but instead the tired old cliche' of 'do I look fat in this', to which I replied essentially don't blame the dress.

Since that girl, actually, I've been exceedingly picky. I'd like to start a family later, and I've got around 10 years before that becomes a problem, and that's assuming I end up with a woman the same age as myself. Thus there's been a lot of 'friend zones'. As best as I can tell, given my own experience, when it has to be labeled as such, FZ means 'we aren't compatible; I see it and you don't, but you're tolerable so long as you go away from time to time. I'd actually somewhat relate it to babysitting. It's one person essentially nursing someone else that can't stand up on their own, albeit figuratively rather than literally in this case, but just like little babies, you just can't be mean to the little shits. Even when they do exasperating things constantly and you try to explain it to them as the all important third person perspective. They're just too cute/dumb/determined, whatever, to be even accusatory to them.

Again, some of you may be noticing I'm not one for subtlety. (=

 

[Herbsk]

Funny thing about this thread - guys keep complaining about the girls that seem to do this - but a similar sitation seemed to happen to me and my friend.

At one point she asked me if we should go out since we were good friends, but I had to tell her that she sorta wasn't my type either and I thought we would be better off as just friends.

I have to say though, it was good to get that question out of the way - she's one of my better friends and with that cleared up we didn't have to worry about it anymore.

 

[ZydrateDealer]

Friend Zone eh. Doesn't exist. What does exist are men/women who are unable to take a risk and tell him/her or just fucking kiss her/him. It's not hard, in fact if they're a good friend it should be really easy. I'm going out with my best friend now and have been for three years because after I realized I liked her I took a chance. The worst that can happen is that they reject you but you can still remain friends just look for love in another place.

 

[Cavouku]

...I can't be the only guy who has put a girl in the friend zone, can I? I mean...

I'm going to assume I'm not, because I only skimmed the first page. Though I didn't do the old-fashioned style, we went out for a bit, but I knew I shouldn't have, so I had to break up with her. She... didn't take it well for a while, but I had to.

See, I felt like I only liked her because she liked me. Like I was just reciprocating without thinking about it, and once I realized it, I felt horrible. It's like... if she had wanted to break up, and started dating another guy, I wouldn't have cared much, because that would mean she wasn't liking me anymore. I would have felt neutral again, and knowing that I didn't genuinely care was killing me, like I was the universe's biggest asshole.

Lo and behold, she's dating a new guy, and... I'm totally fine with it. And we still talk as friends, and I'm totally fine with it... it seriously makes me feel like an asshole for going through it in the first place.

 

[Flying Dagger]

Eh I would say I was friendzoned by my current girlfriend, but I think what she actually wanted was to see if I'd stay around after she turned me down.
I (sort of) did
Now we're together.

But there was a long period where we were just friends, and I stuck around. To be really honest if you're only their friend because you want a relationship with them, you aren't a real friend, if you are a real friend, then that will be enough.

 

[artanis_neravar]

...I can't be the only guy who has put a girl in the friend zone, can I? I mean...

I'm going to assume I'm not, because I only skimmed the first page. Though I didn't do the old-fashioned style, we went out for a bit, but I knew I shouldn't have, so I had to break up with her. She... didn't take it well for a while, but I had to.

See, I felt like I only liked her because she liked me. Like I was just reciprocating without thinking about it, and once I realized it, I felt horrible. It's like... if she had wanted to break up, and started dating another guy, I wouldn't have cared much, because that would mean she wasn't liking me anymore. I would have felt neutral again, and knowing that I didn't genuinely care was killing me, like I was the universe's biggest asshole.

Lo and behold, she's dating a new guy, and... I'm totally fine with it. And we still talk as friends, and I'm totally fine with it... it seriously makes me feel like an asshole for going through it in the first place.

I have, nothing so dramatic as your story, but in high school I knew a girl liked me but I didn't feel the same way so I just didn't bring it up, if she wanted to I would have told her but she didn't. maybe that makes me kind of an asshole but it's how I dealt with it. She did end up dating one of my friends for the rest of high school.

 

[Blow_Pop]

Usually if I put a guy there it means I respect him more and don't want to destroy a good friendship.

This is absolutely UN-true. If ya think they'll somehow be less tolerant that you constantly whine about your problems that they wouldn't likely do with men that they likely aren't when you're with them...well, lemme borrow those blinders you're wearing so I can watch the eclipse.

wait....what? was that suppose to make any sense?

 

[Not-here-anymore]

I friend-zoned a girl. Do I win?

We'd been the best of friends for a while, and whilst we had almost got together (whilst drunk)a number of times, both of us decided it'd be weird. About a year down the line, I sort of assumed the friendship status quo was there to stay, which I didn't mind in the least.
Then I asked my current girlfriend out. Apparently girl number 1 had slightly stronger feelings for me than I had realised. And subsequently refused to talk to me for about a week. We're friends again now, but I still feel like an asshole.

See, I felt like I only liked her because she liked me. Like I was just reciprocating without thinking about it, and once I realized it, I felt horrible. It's like... if she had wanted to break up, and started dating another guy, I wouldn't have cared much, because that would mean she wasn't liking me anymore. I would have felt neutral again, and knowing that I didn't genuinely care was killing me, like I was the universe's biggest asshole.

This would be the tale of my first girlfriend. And also the reason I never tried asking out the friend mentioned above. It is really, really weird when a relationship goes that way.

 

[Slayer_2]

The friend zone will always exist, I think it's because women like having a guy to tell all there issues to without having to commit to a relationship. Who knows, people are confusing.

 

[derelict]

Usually if I put a guy there it means I respect him more and don't want to destroy a good friendship.

This is absolutely UN-true. If ya think they'll somehow be less tolerant that you constantly whine about your problems that they wouldn't likely do with men that they likely aren't when you're with them...well, lemme borrow those blinders you're wearing so I can watch the eclipse.

wait....what? was that suppose to make any sense?

That was kind of hard to get through. What I should say is, they have a desire to be in a relationship despite constantly being shot down, and they're okay and keep coming back for more. I don't suspect that moving it up to the next level would cause them to suddenly have a 180 in that friendly, passive mindset. I suppose if they did, it'd be more an issue with their own personal idealization of you, rather than any fault of your own.

 

[barbzilla]

Speaking briefly from the female perspective: I've never used the FZ on a guy. Ever. It's a terrible excuse if you're lying, even worse if you're not, and in my opinion, a result of some very unhealthy female mindsets.

I hear it most often from my friends who have unreasonable expectations of men.

They want to fall in love with a guy they never really have to get to know. Friends are people we know and accept for being a fellow human being. I know far too many girls who date men without ever really acknowledging commonality. They want someone to take care of them, love them, be the man of their dreams, but they don't want to have to worry about being a sane, reasonable, loving woman in return. A friend could call them on their bullshit, and has a right to. A boyfriend is there for their self-esteem boost and vending machine of happy brain chemicals.

It's ridiculous, and I regularly fillet friends who display such attitudes. Then again, I'm the super pragmatic dater. I only date if I see long-term partner potential and compatibility. I don't let emotions lead the way, and I'm up-front about that, so I've never had to resort to any excuses but the truth.

Well let me say the world could use more people like you.

To everyone who is saying just take it like a man or friends are good to have too, I agree with you. The point of my post was not to say "Oh woe is me, I shall never date the one I love" I am just pointing out some of the inconsistencies I notice about the FZ.

And the number one way to escape the FZ, be friends with her (not the way you are now) The kind of friend who calls her on her shit but is there for her. Also date around, don't stop dating and hope/pray that she will suddenly come to her senses. It isn't healthy. It makes you seem obsessive and doesn't help you to get past your emotions. If the only reason you are her friend is because you like her romantically, then move on. You are not being fair to her or yourself.

 

[Tizzmarelda]

It's annoying, true, but I realise now "friend" is the only position I can ever gain, hell, I'm lucky for just that. I'm an abomination, disgusting, insane, barely qualifiable as human. The only purpose I may serve is as that problem dump. I reject that, then I truly am of no use to anyone.

So I understand. People like to talk about their s*** to me for some reason, but they would never want to look at me, not for too long, and definately not everyday.

When people come upto you with there shit and expect you to listen, you brew them a nice hot cup of STFU, go find that gal you like an ask her out. and if she says no? who cares, she wasnt good enough for you anyways. Get out there! and kick some relationship ass!

 

[barbzilla]

SNIP

First off let me say impressive response. I actually agree with just about everything you said. I am not going to come on here and tell you I really love this girl though. I am in a relationship with someone who is quite fun so it isn't an issue with me not making moves. This topic was literally in response to a number of posts I have been seeing lately on relationship issues. And one of the major ones I have had to hear about from female friends is the looking for a guy like X guy who is also their friend.

I have been in the FZ many times, but I usually take that as my que to either man up and stand up or if I don't think it is worth the full effort then I make a new friend. This is part of the reason I have so many female friends now. I don't carelessly toss people aside because they said no way when I asked them out. These are the people I turn to when I want relationship advice.

I'm sorry to see my post rubbing you the wrong way. I was not trying to say this is what happens every time. I am referring to a specific scenario where the opportunity is there, but someone isn't taking it.

 

[barbzilla]

All I'm saying is the whole "I don't wanna date you because it will ruin the friendship" is crap because odds are good that same girl will turn around and complain about her boyfriend to you(Happened to me after one of my ex's dumped me, although she lied about why she dumped me and when I found out I cut her loose). Most guys need to learn that they are not bloody doormats, I mean I sure as hell don't put up with it. I don't understand why guys think they will "come around", they should ask and if no they should just stop. But for someone to respond "I don't wanna ruin the friendship" and think they will still be cool is crap and should stop with the pretense.

Pretty much the point I was going for. I don't think that it is the crush's fault. I even point out in the OP that sometimes the other person just isn't interested in you that way. I then go on to say that your own feelings are valuable as well and you should make them known.

 

[AngelBlackChaos]

My fiance is just one of those rare occurrences. He is the only guy I know that went from FZ to being engaged. He was there for me when i was stuck with, and later after we separated, my current best friend.
He was interested in me, and I kept saying no, cause I knew other girls were interested in him and I just didn't feel like competing for affections. But he's stubborn. He convinced me that I didn't have to block him off for fear of ruining our friendship, that he was logical, so I had nothing to lose. So I figured, hell, I will try to date him. Its still gonna end the same way it always has.

And he has proved me wrong so far. I don't even expect the worst to happen.

Not saying that you guys should consider this an actual possibility for a FZ. Nine times out of ten, it won't work. So, don't get your hopes up, but its an extremely rare possibility.

 

[Sordak]

escaping the friend zone is impossible.

so is understanding women.

so is it for women to accept the sexual superiority of people who post in this forum...

oh wait.


just get over it. Try to avoid the friend zone and if you cant well think about what got you there in the first place, dont do it next time.

 

[SirDoom]

Dear guys who complain about the friendzone- quit complaining. I'd gladly take the friend zone option if it came up.

Why? Most of the time, if you are friend zoned, that means the girl doesn't like you in that way. You may not get the girl in question, but it's one hell of a lot better than getting the girl and having a terrible relationship with her.

I'm one of those nice guys, and I've never been turned down when asking someone out. I should have been, though. Just as a quick example, let's look at my last relationship. It was toward the end of spring semester, and I'd been flirting with a girl in class for a while. I asked her out, she said yes, and we talked a lot those first few weeks. Then class ended, and summer break began. Things instantly went from "talk in class, go on dates and hang out in the afternoons, and just generally having fun" to hell. Talking to her dropped to a once a week occurance, she cancelled almost all dates last minute, and backed away from even the smallest kiss at the end of those that weren't cancelled. Yet even though all traces of a relationship had vanished, she still acted like everything was perfect.

I would call her out on this (albeit not in a "fix the problem or we're breaking up" way), and we'd communicate a bit more frequently for a few days, but then it just went back to "just friends" levels of communication(despite my attempts to call often). This whole thing went on for way too long before I was eventually forced to friendzone her. The friendship didn't last very long afterwards though, for the very same reasons the relationship didn't work.

Either she didn't like me from the beginning and was only into the relationship at first due to the forced interaction of a classroom situation, or she had a very strange idea of what a relationship should be. In any case, if she had just said no to begin with, I'd probably have her as a friend right now, and she was a pretty cool person.

I have other similar stories, but the general point of this post is "not getting friendzoned when you should is worse than being rejected. Trust me.".

 

[Joe Biden His Time]

Here's what you do:

1. Get a girlfriend

2. Be an awesome friend to her as well as an awesome boyfriend

3. ????

4. Profit

See, it works better when you do it in reverse. So stop trying to weasel your way into a girls pants through sheer friendship.