Hey, got any good jokes? Let's share them! ("Corny to the point of being funny" jokes welcome too!)

[Surpheal]

A rather long one:

A man lived next door to a monk. He constantly heard a strange noise coming from the house. Well, at first he tried to just ignore it. But after a little while he just couldn?t take it so he went and knocked on the monk?s door. The monk opened the door and said, ?Yes, can I help you?? The man asked, ?I?d like to know what that noise coming from your house is.? The monk replied, ?I?m sorry, I can?t tell you, you?re not a monk.? So the man asked, ?How do I become a monk then?? The monk said, ?Well, to start, you must go the next 5 years eating only potato chips.? So the man, determined to find out what that noise was, went home and spent the next 5 years eating only potato chips. Finally, he returned to the monk and said, ?OK, it?s been 5 years and I?ve only eaten potato chips. Now can I know what that noise is?? The monk replied, ?No, you?re still not a monk. Now you must go 7 years and drink nothing but water.? Well, the man wasn?t looking forward to waiting 7 more years. But as he had already come 5 years, and he was determined to find the source of that noise, he went home and drank nothing but water for 7 years. When finally he reached the end of those 7 long years, he once again returned to the monk and said, ?It?s been 7 years and I?ve drank nothing but water, now can I find out what that noise is?? The monk said, ?No, you?re still not a monk. Now we must test your faith. Go to the highest cliff in the area and jump off.? Well, the man had come this far and he wasn?t going to back down, so he went to the highest cliff and jumped. Luckily, there was a safety net at the bottom of the cliff, and when he climbed out the monk was waiting for him. The monk led him back to his house and said, ?You have passed the tests, you are now a monk. I assume you now wish to know what causes the noise you have been hearing?? The man replied, ?Oh God yes, I?ve waited over 12 years to find out.? So the monk gestured for him to follow and led him down the stairs into the basement. Once in the basement, the monk opened a door which led into a tunnel. The monk told the man to go to the end of the tunnel. So the man started walking, it went on for ages, but finally he reached the end. There was only one more door between him and the source of the noise, he could tell. Slowly he grabbed the doorknob, turned it, and opened the door. In the room he saw?I?m sorry I can?t tell you what he saw. You?re not a monk.

 

[EmperorSubcutaneous]

Scientology!

Daikatana!

Congratulations! The first post in this thread that made me laugh.

 

[ClockworkPenguin]

I was going to make a joke about Haggis, but it was really offal.

Then, I was going to make a joke about beds, but I've not made it yet.

Then, I was going to make a joke about a broken pencil, but it wasn't funny.

 

[Radoh]

Puns welcome too? If so, a true story.
Well, not too long ago I was playing Fallout: New Vegas and playing one particular character who hoarded chems, don't know why, but after some time in the divide I discovered that I really, really, really wanted to shut that obnoxiously irritatingly verbose Ulysses up. So right before the final confrontation I discover something interesting about drugs: Drugs of similar design can work together i.e. I could use Jet, Rocket, and Ultra-Jet for a greater cumulative AP gain.
So I took one of every single drug in my pockets: Jet, Rocket, Ultra-Jet, Steady, Turbo, Fixer by accident, Mentats and Party-time Mentats because why not, Psycho, Slasher, Med-X, Buffout, Nuka Cola Quartz, Nuka Cola Victory, and Rushing water.
Contemplating to myself I wondered aloud if Rushing Water qualified as a Drug Or Not, only to realise that I had indeed become a Druggernaut.

 

[DemBones]

An oldie but goodie:

A man walks into a talent agent's office and says "I've got the act for you!"

The agent responds, "Well, let me hear it."

The man starts "So I go on and stage and start CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED between an audience member's CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED while my wife CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED like a giant football CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED pulled apart his CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED in a putrid puddle of CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED while my son chews on CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED from inside his sister's CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED swimming in CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED squirting out in tiny drips into CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED doing a piledriver into CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED lying twitching and writhing when CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED bursting toward the audience yelling CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED eating the monkey's CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED sticking it's fingers where CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED while the mongoose watches and CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED between my son and daughter doing CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED going in and out of CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED CENSORED representing the decline of economic prosperity in the late 2000's. While that's a first draft, I can elaborate."

"I am intrigued and slightly CENSORED," replied the agent, "what to you call your show?"

The man replied, "I call it, CENSORED!!!!"

 

[shrekfan246]

Corny jokes??? I got one for you:

I walked into the room, the curtains were drawn... the rest of the furniture was real.

I laughed.

OT: Oh, uh... I'm terrible at telling jokes. Wait, I have one. Siri. Hahahaha, oh boy, I do know how to... oh, that wasn't funny? I'm sorry.

 

[tseroff]

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?

Spoiler

I take my shoes off before jumping on a trampoline

Why yes, I am going to Hell! Thanks for noticing!

What's worse than 10 dead babies nailed to a tree?
One dead baby nailed to 10 trees.

Oh god, we're terrible people!

What's the difference between a Ferrari and a pile of dead babies?

Spoiler: badum TSHH!

I don't have a Ferrari in my garage

Now you're just admitting to being a murderer!

What's the different between a truck full of empty beer bottles and a truck full of dead babies?

You can unload one of them with a pitch fork.

Two more:

How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

How many dead babies does it take to tile a roof?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

 

[smearyllama]

How about some bad pickup lines?

All three of these are of my own creation, and are all horrid beyond belief.
"Do you like Kraftwerk? Because I want to be the operator of your pocket calculator."
"Are you a rider of the Rohirrim? Because my Gondor is calling for your aid."
"How about I be the DNA helicase and unzip your genes?"

This one is from a science teacher at my school-
*Explains the laws of gravity* "Okay, so two objects that have mass are pulled towards each other, right? Well, I have mass, and you have mass, therefore we must be attracted to each other."
He says that's how he met his wife <.<

 

[Spectral Dragon]

Hmm... There's one I always tell if there's a thread like this. It appears it just doesn't get old.

I once told a chemistry joke, but there was no reaction.

Hmm... A new one then? What's green, has four legs, and if it throws itself at you from the top of a tree, you die?

Spoiler: :D

A pool table!

 

[Vkmies]

Scientology!

Daikatana!

M. Night Shyalamalan!

D&D Version 4!

Star Wars Prequels!

Ed Wood Jr.!


CAPTCHA: Be Mine - Yes, that is not creepy at all....

 

[Mr.Mattress]

A Christian, an Agnostic, an Atheist and a Hindu walk into a bar...

... They walk out as the Beatles.

 

[Olas]

Why did the condom cross the road?

Spoiler: answer

It was pissed off

 

[ZehMadScientist]

How should you respond to getting hit in the head with a Golden brick?

"Au"

One atom asks his friend "Hey man, are you sure that you lost an electron?" "Dude, I'm positive"

...damn, I know some pretty good ones, but they don't translate well to English >.>

 

[T8B95]

You guys know that Yakety Sax makes everything funny right? The following video proves it: (WARNING: DON'T WATCH IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED)


Yes, I'm going to hell. I'll see you all there.

 

[Superior Mind]

I'll offer a couple:

Man came home drunk with some friends after a night out on the town. One friend noticed the huge gong that the man kept in his living room. The friend asked the man what the gong was for.
"It's not a gong," he said, "it's a talking clock".
Intrigued, the friend asked how it worked.
"Here I'll show yeh."
So the man got up and picked up a large stick. He swung at the gong with all his strength and it let out a deafening sound.
They waited.
Then, from the other side of the wall;
"You idiot! It's three o'clock in the fucking morning!"

----------------------
Long and kind of stupid but I like this one:

I once knew a man called Dave.
Dave loved to talk and boast. One of the key things he used to boast about was that he knew everyone of importance, I mean everybody. It pissed his workmates off to no end so one day his boss took him aside.
"Dave," he said, "you're a meat packer from Takanini and you don't know anyone."
"Sure I do," claimed Dave, "I can prove it too."
"Fine Dave, do you know Johnny Depp?"
"Of course."
So Dave's boss decided to end it once and for all. He bought two tickets to California and he and Dave went to see if they could meet Johnny Depp. They eventually found him on set working on a movie. Dave waved at him. In the middle of a take Depp looked up and smiled, striding over to Dave with his hand outreached.
"Dave! It's been too long!"
Depp greeted Dave like an old friend and he, Dave, and Dave's Boss ended up having lunch together. Dave's Boss was very impressed but still not convinced.
"Okay Dave, what about President Barack Obama, do you know him?"
"Absolutely!"
So they got on a place and headed to Washington D.C. They signed up for the White House tour and Dave directed his boss to a secure area.
"I'm sorry you can't come through here," said a tall security official.
"I'm here to see the President" said Dave, "I'm Dave."
To Dave's boss' surprise the official looked at Dave from over his sunglasses, nodded and stood aside to let him through. Dave directed his boss to the Oval Office where President Obama was at his desk. He looked up and with a smile beckoned Dave and his boss to sit down. They spent the evening having coffee and chatting with the President in the Oval Office.
Dave's boss was pretty convinced, but wanted to test it one more time.
"Alright Dave, I'll admit that you know everyone if we go to the Vatican and meet Pope Benedict XVI."
"Fair enough," says Dave.
So they got on the next flight to Rome and travelled to the Vatican. Unfortunately there was a huge crowd gathered to witness an address to be given by the Pope. Dave's boss quickly got tired of trying to battle through the crowd.
"Okay, " said Dave, "here's what I'll do. I'll keep going and then come out on the balcony with the Pope. If I do that is that good enough?"
Dave's boss agreed, and Dave continued onward. Low in behold when Il Papa emerged he was accompanied by a grinning Dave who waved to the crowd.
Dave made his way back to find that paramedics were surrounding the area he had left his boss. Dave rushed over to see his boss in an oxygen mask. He had suffered a heart attack!
Gradually Dave's boss recovered. Dave approached him.
"You didn't really expect me to do it huh, I guess this means that I know everyone right?"
Dave's boss shook his head.

"I saw you with the Pope but that wasn't what did this," he said tapping his chest,
"when you came out the person in front of me turned to his friend and said "Who the Hell is that guy up on the balcony with Dave?"

 

[kevinsux909]

"This tale is set in Gold Rush days, when the place to be was the Yukon. Because wool and meat were so vital, sheep became very valuable. One of the wealthiest women in town was a tough old lady named Beatrice, who had moved there from Boston but had become so acclimated that everyone called her Yukoned Bea."

"Bea owned 26 sheep, which she named for the letters of the alphabet. Ewe A, Ewe B, and so on. Bea ran the only hotel in town, but she was opposed to drinking, and wouldn't rent rooms to any man who had a hint of alcohol on his breath. This didn't sit well with the local saloon-keepers, Hiram Lovedaw and Hubert Loff, so they bet Bea that one of them could invent a drink that even her sharp nose couldnt detect. The winner would get her best sheep, Ewe F. She agreed, and they went to work. Lovedaws drink was called Blue Lightning, and Loff called his Mountain Dew (this was long before the carbonated beverage of the same name). The day of the competition arrived, and Lovedaw went first. He took a long swig of Blue Lightning. Bea smelled his breath, and announced that she couldnt detect a thing. The it was Loff's turn, and Lovedaw was hoping that his friend would fail. Do you know why?"

Because....

Spoiler

"If Yukoned Bea whiffed Dew on Hugh Loff, Lovedaw won Ewe F."

I feel kinda stupid, but I can't make sense of the punchline.

OT: A local newspaper was holding a pun contest, and the winner would have their pun proudly displayed in the 1000th issue of the paper. One man was determined to win the contest, so he sent in 10 puns to the contest, hoping at least one would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.