I think I'm about to be dumped.

[Xarathox]

If I was in your shoes, I'd put my foot down. Not much advice coming from someone who has actively stayed single for over a decade. But, I'm just not the type of person to put up with games.

All I can really offer is to wish you luck. But, whatever you decide, know that it's going to have to be for you, not her.


Captcha: "Against the grain." Fitting, captcha. Very fitting.

 

[Skops]

OP, I'm the type of guy that has always gone for the 'committed Long term' relationship. With that being said, I was in your shoes about 2 years ago, practically same situation. Girlfriend feels she's missed out on the 'single life' and wants to experiment.

To put this bluntly, how ever hard this may be to hear: Sounds like she wants to go fuck other dudes for awhile.

I made the mistake of doing the break up her way, which was the slow ticking time bomb of "let's see what happens". Please, don't go this route. The only one getting hurt out of this is YOU. I'm not suggesting the exact same thing is going to happen (in my case, after my ex-n me broke up, she spent the following 3 months sleeping with 14 other men [3 of which I knew] getting pregnant, miscarry, and then wanting to pick the relationship back up) but you need to look after yourself here. Why stick around for something you know is likely going to end when she leaves in May? It needs to end so it can have a future? Yeah, I've heard the saying "if you love something, let it go. And if it loves you, it will come back". Yeah, mine came back alright after she had one hell of a summer it seems. You know what I did during that time? I thought about her and no one else. Does that seem right to you? Don't be me of 2 years ago dude.. Get mad, GET ANGRY! Call her out on what she thinks 'experiment' means. Ask her why should you stick around waiting for her to make the ultimate decision?

You want this to work don't you? She should have to want it to work as much as you do.

 

[Jubbert]

I like how the first spoiler tag started treating into literotica territory there.

10/10 would read again.

 

[Stordarth]

In all honesty, she sounds childish and selfish. If she cared that much for you, she wouldn't put you through the ringer by seeking experimentation with other men. I entered my own relationship at a younger age than you (I was 19, she was 18). I'm now approaching 30, and we have never once broken up (though there have been one or two close calls). Never once has she said that she feels like she has missed out, because I make her happy (somehow).

Myself, I'd be lying if I said I haven't thought/fantasised/talked about what it might be like to be with other women, but that's all it is: fantasy. And often, reality doesn't live up to fantasy.

I guess my point here is that if she wants to experience 'what she's missing' she's not satisfied with what she's got. I don't mean that as any slight towards you. But it sounds to me like the one thing you need to be is the one thing you can't be - someone else.

If I were in your shoes, I'd put my foot down, say that I want all or nothing, and end it myself. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. It's a simple moral, but it fits perfecty here. Letting her go in the hopes she'll come back more appreciative is folly, and will only lead to constant heartache during the interim, and eventual heartbreak when that (likely) doesn't happen. The only thing you can do to keep yourself sane is to cut it off yourself, walk away, and presume that it's over for good, because then you're not setting yourself up for disappointment down the road, and you can begin the healing process right away.

Then, if she does come back, bonus. Just be sure to get her tested if she does.

Edit: Skops has it right.

 

[Xanex]

I'm going to have to agree with the mantee. The "single" lifestyle is bullshit.

Now if she is going to use this trip to go "single" wild. Then it's best to break it off before she goes. There is only heartbreak and suffering for you waiting and continueing to cling to hope, while she's gone and you can only guess what she's doing there. It will tear you up. Break up before.

 

[Ashhearth]

I know I haven't commented on this thread before the update but what the hey I'll throw my two cents in since I'm in a similar situation. Honestly the only thing that will ever help is time and it sounds like you might get that. As much as it hurts a decision is going to be made at some point and it may or may not be the one you want to here. You just have to be patient, wait and if the time you spent together really means as much to her as it does to you then she will come back. Letting go hurts like hell I'm not gonna mince words. I go around feeling like there's a chunk of me missing but after about two months things have improved. You just have to keep your head up. Stay in contact with her and make sure she knows your intentions. Don't worry so much about the future as compared to right now.

I suppose my incoherent ramblings might help and they might not but you aren't alone mate and no matter what happens. You will make it out of this a better man than when you started and whether you start over with her or someone else your experience will only make everything better.

 

[MoltenSilver]

Short answer: put the foot down. Tell her its committal to you, or you're done.
She's not going to remain loyal as soon as that time-bomb goes off, why do you owe her loyalty up until then? If the relationship isn't going to go where you want, why not spend this time looking for someone else who does want the same end as you?

I also agree with the above posts that waiting for her if she does leave is folly. If at some point in the future your single, and she's single, and something major has changed, then maybe consider trying it again if the situation seems good. But counting on her to come back to you with a new appreciation (much less respect, which you will have none in her eyes if you let her walk all over you up until she leaves; you'll basically have tagged yourself to her mind as 'will do anything, for nothing') is a possibility so remote it doesn't deserve the slightest consideration until it happens.

'plenty of other fish in the sea' is little comfort when facing the prospect of losing someone you truly love and certainly can't even imagine replacing, and there is however big or small a possibility you won't meet another person you enjoy being around to that degree. But, if your girlfriend chooses to leave, isn't it more worthwhile taking a look for that person than settling for her (or worse, a fantasy of her running back to you after) when you clearly have incompatible desires?

 

[bananafishtoday]

Honestly, from what I can tell reading your posts, it seems like it would be healthier for both of you to end the relationship amicably. "Take a break" maybe--though that's often a euphemism for something more permanent, I don't think it necessarily needs to be. Obv no one can really make an accurate judgement without personally knowing both of you (and even then it'd be incredibly difficult,) but this in particular...

She's 22, and many of her friends have been in and out of relationships during ours, and others have been single throughout. She's felt for some time now that by being with me she is missing out on the single lifestyle her friends have enjoyed during the part of her life she feels is best suited for it. She says she wishes she had met me a little later on after she had had time to experiment. I recall her mentioning this view in an offhand way nearly 2 years ago, and it seems to have stuck with her.

...indicates to me that you should let her go her own way, for both of your sakes. She's 22, and you say you've been dating for four years. So she's been with your either since she was a senior in high school or not long after graduation--essentially, her entire adult life. That she's apparently been thinking about this for (at least) two years, and that she explicitly planned her trip as a solo thing, makes it seem to me like this is very important to her.

If she stays with you, missing out on this could very well be something she regrets for the rest of her life. I really don't think it's about trying to find someone "better." It's more about... having a certain level of freedom and independence that she's never had, basically. She wants to have some fun before settling down, while you've had your fun and are ready to settle down. No one can fault either of you for wanting what you want, but you want different things.

"The single life" isn't really about searching for the ideal mate. It's about being able to do whatever the hell you want when you want--being exclusively responsible for yourself and not answering to anyone but yourself. You've had that, she hasn't. Some people don't need to have had that experience to feel fulfilled. She doesn't sound like one of those people.

You gotta make your own choice for yourself, and none of us can offer any real, substantial advice without personally knowing the both of you, but that's just my take.

 

[Paradoxrifts]

Better to bail out early and land on your feet then bail out late and have to land on your knees.

 

[drummond13]

First off, the two of you are very young. You're at the age where a serious relationship feels like "the one". Sometimes it is, but it's a lot more rare than most people your age realize.

Secondly, she expressed a feeling of loss of never being able to be single or see what other relationships might have to offer. This feeling has lasted years now. Even if you convince her to stay with you, that doubt sounds like it isn't going away anytime soon.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to break up with her. Not in a bad way, just tell her you've been doing a lot of thinking about what she said and you don't want to make her feel like she's trapped in your relationship. This may sound cynical but it also puts you in a much stronger position if, in the future (by future I mean a few months at least), she decides to want to try dating you again. You don't want her to think of you as the guy she had to push away to get some breathing room. Then I would spend some serious time apart. No calling. No watching movies together "but just as friends". No texting. This is the hardest part, but it's key. Everybody thinks they can be the one to take their relationship of several years back into friendship. Everyone is wrong. Once you cross a certain line there's simply no going back.

I would do this before her Europe trip. Preferably right away. I would be respectful and gentle about it, but firm.

I would also stop listing the details of your sexual trysts online. God help you if she comes across this somehow. I know it's unlikely, but why take even that risk?

Just my two cents.

 

[Marsoli]

Do what you feel would be best. In the end your experience will be genuine and give you the right idea for the next time something like this happens and you can go down a different road. I had a similar experience to this one and in the end it turned out that waiting wasn't the best idea in the world so feel free to take that information into account but for a subject such as this the proper answer will always lie in that part of your head reserved for logic (emotions can get you into trouble in this regard, after all).

Good luck!

 

[DeathChairOfHell]

I have to say that this was one of the most interesting posts I have read in several months. I sympathize with you man, break-ups aren't easy. However, I'd give you the advice to be up straight with it. The relationships that I have had are ones where I have been dumped, yet we ended it as friends. I appreciated it when they were honest and told me how they felt and I would probably have been more hurt if they had lingered with it.

 

[TaboriHK]

Let it go. There a literally millions of people out there who are also compatible with you.

 

[Goro]

You need to break up with her. She's going to Europe, she's young and has just finished school and she will want to grow and 'explore' and have experiences to develop herself. Let her go.
By you breaking up with her, she'll come away without the guilt of being selfish, and will have a better time of her holiday, and you'll have the satisfaction of being the dumper rather than the dumpee, and can congratulate yourself on being mature and grown up about the whole thing. It's still gonna suck like nothing else, there's no way around that, but I truly think this race has run it's course.
When she gets back from Europe, she'll be a different person, and you'll hear about her adventures through a mutual friend while you're at a party with your new squeeze.
I have been through a very similar situation - twice!- and I think it's time to pull the pin.
Best of luck...


captcha - sticky wicket.
Who programs these things?

 

[ProtoKactus]

dump that chump . write less on the internet. use that time to get a new partner, who's not a self organized young lady who's egocentric view of the world is clinically solipsistic.

 

[Adam Jensen_v1legacy]

If she feels like she's missing out on some important life experience because she's with you, there is nothing you can do. I'm sorry. I've seen it happen a million times. When people start feeling trapped in a relationship it never ends well. The relationship is the problem, not the person she's in a relationship with.

 

[2012 Wont Happen]

If you think she is going to break up with you, you should go ahead and end it on your own terms. I would also keep a bottle of good sipping whiskey around for the day after. It will be rough.

 

[Lyri]

Call me harsh but...

I think you should sort yourself out quite honestly, reading your post is making me wonder more about your role in this relationship. All I can read here is what she is going to do to you but I really, really think she is going with "What are you going to do for her?"

She is 22 and you're "going to her place" so I'm assuming her parents since you mentioned it and this relationship has been going on now for four years?
Colour me surprised I suppose but I would have imagined that after four years of being together there would be something that would convince you two to at least move in with one another.
She sounds like she wants to grow up and be a person who enjoys having early adulthood whilst she still has it, she is going away to Europe and you think she's going to dump you just to "fuck around" putting it bluntly.

You have a very negative attitude and kind of skewed image of sex - was it really necessary for you to ask people to PM you about your little romp?
Anyway, look if you think she wants to sleep around with other guys then maybe she does and maybe she already made her choice now and is just waiting until she goes to Europe to just put that distance between you and her to make everything a little easier because four years is a very long time - break up will be messy.

 

[Bara_no_Hime]

First of all, thankyou to everyone for your support, sharing of your own stories, and advice.

No problem. ^^

I must say - having read more of the thread since my original post, the age issue and the graduation issue strike me as a larger issue. She started dating you at 18. As she pointed out, she has missed being single.

Personally, I hate being single. I like to know where my next orgasm is coming from, and there's no better way than having someone in-house who can provide me with one. However, I did enjoy having sex with different people, which is sounds like something she might be missing. So I can see that this issue is the main problem now.

What do you think is the best way? And has anyone else had to weigh up multiple exit strategies for their relationships?

Advice eh? Okay, since you asked:

Open Relationship.

She's going to be in Europe in May. Why not discuss the option that, while she's in Europe, you both act as if you are single. When she gets back, you can continue your relationship. She'll have time to be single and get it out of her system (since, as noted, being single isn't all that great).

I'd suggest trying earlier, but I get the impression that neither of you are really equipped for the complexities of an actual open relationship.

Personally, my spouse and I quite enjoy our open/swinging relationship because it has all the fun of being single but the love and commitment of a marriage. But it's not for everyone. Still, it might let her (and you) get a taste of what things would be like if you did break up so you can both decide if that's something you actually want.