I think I'm about to be dumped.

[Lucid_Camel]

Telling by how thoughtful you are in even handling and thinking about this break up inside and out. I would nearly say you are infact too good to her and in some cases projecting your Idea of her onto who she actualy is.Personly Iv had just one serious gf lasted for 2 weeks, kinda planned to break up because to put it simple she was a truck of crazy.Sure i liked her and stuff but week 2 of us going out was my name being brought up in her family fights and after her telling me how shit everything is..she was the type to make her life into a drama soo ya 1st chance i got i jumped off that sinking ship Lol.

.but ya iv been out with my share of girls and what relationship experience I have is from friends and a few self help sites namely one called askmen.com.It never hurts to look up tips and read up on articles..but ya .Op you have to consider your feelings now. Right now she is kinda draging this out.Putting you on edge and overall giving u a sense of deep dred.In about a week or 2 you might very likely still be in a relationship limbo.If the fire in a relationship goes out ( sorry for refering to a relationship as a 3rd person lol) its hard to get back.

Would you rather 2 weeks of not knowing straight away or a break up text in the middle of the night.Both suck ass, at least when your single, you will know where you stand.Sorry to call attention to this but Mentally protecting yourself is Number 1 now.Thx for thanking me dude lol

 

[Thurston]

I was head-over-heels for her, we were serious about a year, and then she wanted to break from university and explore the world. She asked me to come with, but I needed to work for summer for tuition.

We ended it, but actually I waited for her. Big mistake. She wasn't interested in getting back together with me.

I see a parallel for her trip to Europe. She wants to be free for that, feels like she's missing out, and for some people, "gently" breaking up or "wait and see when I get back" holds a false hope to the other party that they can get back together. Their justification is that they ease you into the breakup, and spread out the pain, to make it easier.

End it. Don't look back. Don't expect anything when she returns. Move on. It's gonna hurt. Don't wait.

Be polite. Be a gentlemen. Be a class act all the way. Don't whine. Don't *****. Don't threaten. Don't guilt.

Be serious. Be honest. Be open.

 

[Zyst]

After reading your update.

Honestly? What do you want to do?

I know what she means by "Wants to experiment" and whatever, however, I don't feel I could be in such a relationship. I have only been in one committed relationship and have had my fair share of experimenting so I can't understand her feelings, but if the person I'm with wants to "Experiment" (be it sleep around or whatever) instead of being in a relationship with me then I say suit yourself and let her go do whatever and whomever she wants, but I would never take such a person "back" so to say.

In the end it's a culture thing, in Mexico girls are a bit more repressed for better or for worse and this whole "experiment" thing while being in a relationship isn't really a common problem.

I wish I could do something else other than encourage you to pick whatever you really want. In the end it's a long term relationship and well, you must decide what you want to do not ask in a forum like a poll. Also remember that in this case specifically the grass looks greener on the other side always. This doesn't apply to you but to your girlfriend. Sure being single can be fun, picking up a random person and making out, perhaps even having sex with them is all fun but it doesn't happen THAT often (I'm considered fairly good at "picking up" and such and I have like a 1/4th bedding on the day of the meeting success rate. That means you have sex every other week in average.

It also comes with a certain loneliness, after being together with another person for so long it takes a while to get back to a "functional social human being" level. You start to notice you have absolutely no idea how to flirt with new people anymore and it starts coming back but, well, I'm just rambling at this point.

Best of luck.

 

[Zero=Interrupt]

Can people be assholes about breaking off relationships? Yes. But your claim here that by the very act of breaking up a person is made an asshole is absolutely ridiculous.

Rejecting anyone from friendship, relationship, whatever, is an asshole act. Sometimes it's necessary (they're psychos, they annoy you, you can't get around their open-mouthed chewing whatever), but you're rejecting another human being. Pushing them out of your social circle and your life. It's not a nice thing to do.

Maybe asshole is too strong a term?

Try mean. Selfish. Self-centered.Pragmatic. Whatever salves your ego. You're rejecting them as a friend/lover/whatever. It's not the end of the world, and you'll both live. You'll feel kinda bad, but life goes on, and you'll probably forget all about them.

 

[Zero=Interrupt]

First of all, thankyou to everyone for your support, sharing of your own stories, and advice.
[HEADING=2]My Question for YOU[/HEADING]
Here's the problem though- I've just spent two days blindly talking and reasoning her into giving us another chance at the relationship, before realising that it can't sustain itself. It has to end or there will be no future for it. But I don't know how to do it.

Holy shit. I guarantee she is NOT agonizing over this like you are.

Get up. Turn off your damn computer. Dump her (and this is as easy as saying "Honey, I'm moving on." Print that on a card and carry it with you if you can't remember it). Spin on your heel. Hold your head up high and walk the fuck out.

Like ripping off a band-aid.

Do it.

Now.

 

[godofallu]

Breaking up with her would have to be the single most stupid advice I have ever seen on the internet. Clearly the OP cares about this girl an awful lot and wants to be with her. Dumping her in order to get her later isn't a real strategy and is akin to cutting yourself to cure depression.

All these assholes telling you to dump her first so you get the last laugh are... well assholes.

From your version you paint yourself out to be a pretty logical and caring guy who is willing to go the lengths for this girl. I don't think there is much you can do to change who you are, but the relationship itself does need a slight twist or change if you ask me.

My advice would be to get her to move out of her parents house. The single life isn't about screwing random people so much as a feeling of independence. I think that's what the Euro trip is about to her. Just being alone and independent. Not having coworkers, parents, or you around her 24/7 every day for years on end.

 

[Kavic86]

I know how your feeling at least partially. Ive been with my girl for 2 years and we have been on again off again twice. We both aren't perfect we have our issues. But The first time we broke up it was for about 6 months then we got back together. The reason for that was I didn't like one of her aunts and her aunt was talking down to me so I called her out on her bullshit and well that didn't end well for me. During that time she didn't really date. Then the second time we broke up was for about 2 months. She dated another dude who hated me with a passion and I really didn't care much for him either. But during that time she would talk to me and let me know she really cares about me and stuff like that while with this other dude. So I put it plain and blunt make a choice I'm not waiting for you to figure out this or that I'm feeling like crap day in and day out and this needs to end one was or the other. I tell her to leave and take her stuff with her, I get a call a few hours later saying she was wrong and well January we celebrated our 2 year anniversary.

Here is my advice for you, this whole I'm 22 and need to experiment thing is all total bullshit. Love is love you either have it or you don't. I don't care if you have only been with one person if you truly care and love them then it is what it is you don't have to experiment and have multiple relationships to know who is better. If you want to be with someone it don't matter. She needs to get her head out of the clouds and be smart about it. Cause you to have something special, not many people have that kind of relationship. If she is hell bent on leaving you she is going to find any reason to do so. So beat her to the punch don't wait for her to dump you make her choose but pretty much put it like this. Tell her your tired of these feeling, she is being stupid to think you need to experiment to determine if your man is good enough. Take the choose out of her hands and dump her or make it seem you are going to.

 

[Samuel Cook]

I really do share your pain. My girlfriend and I broke up on Sunday, after 3 years.

 

[Jfswift]

Honestly I'd say break up with her now. Take control of the situation. You'll feel better about it then waiting until she leaves. I mean, to be blunt here, lifes short and if someone can't see the values you have then don't waste a second longer on them.

 

[Johkmil]

You should be careful about taking the advice of the majority here (the "break up first"-plan), as it is clear that you (the OP) really wished this relationship could continue, something that would make any preemptive breakup a clear-cut lie.

Any relationship will only work as long as both parties involved keep it alive. If one is somewhat determined to end it, there is nothing for the other party to do but to try to weather the storm, as even though the relationship may limp on for a while, serious doubt has been sown in both parties. (Not that doubt in and of itself is enough to doom a relationship: relationships are never "happy ever after" - there are doubts and there are fights, but still both partners keep on working to make it continue.)I'll be brutal; she is not coming back to you from Europe. Not a chance. She does not want to be in a relationship, and you can not force her.

There is only one way out now, that completely conserves your integrity, and that is to be the captain that goes down with the relationship; be the better man in all respects; let her go to follow her own choices, and their consequences; avoid drama and unnecessary hostilities; avoid any form of pettiness and "that'll show 'er"-manship, do not sleep around just to show her who's the best single out there - that is the definition of petty - and take the high road. This will lead you to a lot more pain, uncertainty and anguish than other alternatives, as you must feel every step along the way, but it will allow you to rebound as a stronger man, integrity intact.

PS: You seem like a relationship person, give stable relationships a chance and try again soon. There are, as commonly known, plenty of fish in the sea, but quite few in nightclubs, and those in the nightclubs are likely to stink after three days, or sooner, if not properly preserved. I might have overextended a metaphor here...

 

[Squilookle]

OK so mini-update, plus more direct replies.

As it stands, we're sort of in a limbo. We catch up frequently, hang out and watch movies/play games, get drunk while doing the above, etc. We're in a heatwave at the moment so the sex has tailed off. At least I hope that's the reason it's tailed off...

Spoiler: Recent Events

As I feared, things are starting to get murky. Not by much at all, but it's barely noticable. She's stopped initiating physical contact for the most part, stopped saying I love you (made more noticable because she used to say it about 10 times a day), and her smiles seem to be just a tiny bit forced. It could be a perception thing, I know, but she doesn't lean in for the kiss anymore.

I was under the impression she was trying to keep from being too intimate to steel herself up for the breakup, and yet she still likes to spoon, rests her head on me when we sit together and falls asleep on me in bed. The last time I saw her she seemed more distant than usual, and when she started lamenting that she felt fat (I tell her she isn't whenever this comes up- so often I doubt my opinion has weight anymore... (EDIT: no pun intended)) and could use another Zumba session in front of the Wii followed by a cold shower, I offered to do a session with her (just the zumba, not the shower). This she was happy to do, but was very careful to avoid contact while we did it.

By the way- Zumba is a massive freaking workout. I don't know how people do extended sessions of it- It was crazy!

Afterwards, we were both sweating from head to toe (heatwave, remember, and they have no A/C), and I said I could sure use that cold shower too if she didn't mind. She said she didn't, and soon after announces she needs to go to the toilet, does so, then moves to the bathroom. I'm sitting on the couch in the livingroom (in front of the heavenly fan-breese) wondering if she'll invite me to the shower or if she's expecting me to go in regardless. I decide to give her space and wait.

A minute or two passes, and I'm starting to feel a bit shit. But she appears, and asks tentatively if I want to shower with her. I think she must have taken note of how relieved I looked at that moment, as later in bed she said she was sorry if she hadn't been as 'loving' lately. I literally fumbled around in a quick 'that's ok' that seemed to have more to say about not having sex due to the heat then what we were both really thinking about. We hug, she offers me a massage, and we fall asleep with her arm across me.

Today, Monday, was a day we both knew we had off work. On this day though, I didn't ring her or ask if she was free. On previous times I was about to see her, I was proactively thinking about doing the 'great boyfriend' thing, letting her enjoy time with me etc, but today... I just needed to be away from her. I couldn't bear it. Either I never was as good a boyfriend as I thought I was, or she just doesn't see it, because I can feel her slipping no matter what we do or don't do.

First up I'd like to address Johkmil here:

Spoiler: wise words

You should be careful about taking the advice of the majority here (the "break up first"-plan), as it is clear that you (the OP) really wished this relationship could continue, something that would make any preemptive breakup a clear-cut lie.

Any relationship will only work as long as both parties involved keep it alive. If one is somewhat determined to end it, there is nothing for the other party to do but to try to weather the storm, as even though the relationship may limp on for a while, serious doubt has been sown in both parties. (Not that doubt in and of itself is enough to doom a relationship: relationships are never "happy ever after" - there are doubts and there are fights, but still both partners keep on working to make it continue.)I'll be brutal; she is not coming back to you from Europe. Not a chance. She does not want to be in a relationship, and you can not force her.

There is only one way out now, that completely conserves your integrity, and that is to be the captain that goes down with the relationship; be the better man in all respects; let her go to follow her own choices, and their consequences; avoid drama and unnecessary hostilities; avoid any form of pettiness and "that'll show 'er"-manship, do not sleep around just to show her who's the best single out there - that is the definition of petty - and take the high road. This will lead you to a lot more pain, uncertainty and anguish than other alternatives, as you must feel every step along the way, but it will allow you to rebound as a stronger man, integrity intact.

PS: You seem like a relationship person, give stable relationships a chance and try again soon. There are, as commonly known, plenty of fish in the sea, but quite few in nightclubs, and those in the nightclubs are likely to stink after three days, or sooner, if not properly preserved. I might have overextended a metaphor here...

I think- I really do think, that this is what I must do. I also think she's not coming back to me from Europe- and feel fairly certain she'll ditch me just before the trip. But this closely mirrors the course I intend to take, and I have found it comforting to see someone else out there thinks it's a good idea in some sort of form.

Spoiler: Bara_no_Hime, smithy_2045, krazykidd

Advice eh? Okay, since you asked:

Open Relationship.

This is more or less what I was going to suggest. Just make sure you think you can handle it.

How do you feel about open relationships? The ability to be together as a couple but sleep with other people ? It's not cheating if both parties agree. She ( and you )gets to expriment and you guys could stay in the relaionship? It seems like decent middle ground . Of course it takes a lot of trust for no one to get jelous , but think about it at least.

As someone who's never been in one with someone I've loved before (so take my opinion with a grain of salt) I think I could handle it. With difficulty, but I could. That said, I had a friend who said he could but when she got with another guy he flipped his lid- realising he couldn't take it. I wouldn't be surprised if that happened to me too. Girls don't pay me even half as much attention as guys do to her, for a start

That said, I'm fairly sure she couldn't do an open relationship. She was very guarding of me in the early stages, and when once we joked about the idea of threesomes, she told me that if we ever had one (MFF) I could look but not touch the other girl. Through a twist of fate, a girl I used to have an open relationship with entered a band that shares a member with my girlfriend's sister's band, which brought her and my girlfriend into some contact. She reacted to the other girl as one would react to a dog turd they had just found on their jeans. I doubt she could do an open relationship without some serious internal conflict.

Spoiler: Lilani

And I think it was all made possible by just communicating well. We talked it out before it became too big of an issue to approach. We didn't try to lie or cover it up, we both respected each other and valued the truth of our relationship too much to let that happen. And to answer your other question, yes I wanted to still be friends with him too if we broke up. He just happened to have said it first.

That's good to hear- I'm glad you found common ground over it. I happen to be Atheist too, while my girlfriend is Catholic. I can only hope that we reach a similar level of wellbeing.

Spoiler: The_Darkness

I... don't agree. She's experiencing something of a 'grass-is-greener' point of view, as far as I can tell. This doesn't necessarily spell doom for the relationship - but she does need to find out what it's like on the far side of that fence. That said, she doesn't need to dump you to find out. I'd encourage her to speak with her friends.
The reasoning here is two-fold. First: She needs a second opinion. She needs the point of view of someone completely outside of the relationship. A trusted friend could provide that, either encouraging her to stick with the relationship, or otherwise.
Second: she needs to hear about both sides of being single. The pros and the cons. From what I've read, it sounds as if she's heard all the fun stuff, but is lacking any knowledge of the frequent break-ups, the discovery of guys who are complete jerks when you thought they were fine, the loneliness, that sort of thing. Honestly, being single is not bad, but she needs a complete picture of what she's going in for.

I had considered going to her two closest friends, one of whom just got back from overseas, to ask them what they thought was best for her. They've both been in and out of couplings all over the place. I imagine much of the 'good side' of being single she heard from them.

I'm sure the three of them have already spoken at length about all this, and I don't want to see them and be a desperate guy trying to win her heart back' or anything like that. I don't see how I could ask them to let her know about the darker side of being single without appearing that way.

Spoiler: Lyri

She is going to Europe to travel, how come her partner of four years isn't going with her on this trip?

We worked it out that I couldn't afford to go both to Europe as well as a South America trip we planned to take together later in the year. She couldn't find any of her friends that could afford it either so she's going alone.

Spoiler: Lucid_Camel

Telling by how thoughtful you are in even handling and thinking about this break up inside and out. I would nearly say you are infact too good to her and in some cases projecting your Idea of her onto who she actualy is.

I don't know. Maybe. But I can't fault her for feeling she's missed out on such crucial years. You did help me think more about her faults though, which, if/when we split, will be helpful to focus on while I'm moving on.

Spoiler: Thurston

Be polite. Be a gentlemen. Be a class act all the way. Don't whine. Don't *****. Don't threaten. Don't guilt.

Be serious. Be honest. Be open.

You got it. Will do.

Spoiler: Zyst

In the end it's a long term relationship and well, you must decide what you want to do not ask in a forum like a poll.

Best of luck.

Believe me- this was only one of several outlets I chose to seek advice through.

Spoiler: godofallu

My advice would be to get her to move out of her parents house. The single life isn't about screwing random people so much as a feeling of independence. I think that's what the Euro trip is about to her. Just being alone and independent. Not having coworkers, parents, or you around her 24/7 every day for years on end.

I would love to be in a position to offer that, but sadly I am not.

Spoiler: Kavic86

Here is my advice for you, this whole I'm 22 and need to experiment thing is all total bullshit. Love is love you either have it or you don't. I don't care if you have only been with one person if you truly care and love them then it is what it is you don't have to experiment and have multiple relationships to know who is better. If you want to be with someone it don't matter. She needs to get her head out of the clouds and be smart about it. Cause you to have something special, not many people have that kind of relationship. If she is hell bent on leaving you she is going to find any reason to do so.

This is what really got to me. I sometimes wondered what I'd be like being single too, hell I'm sure everybody does. But I had made my choice and was committed to her. To find she doesn't feel the same, even for a good reason considering her age, was like a sudden elephant on my shoulders.

And to everybody in particular who's commented about similar experiences, I feel your pain too. You know I do. That's why we're all here, and I find it helpful even just talking about it with you all.

 

[Squilookle]

Hey everyone.

I'd like to gauge interest across the escapist community about hearing how this story ends. Sorry about double posting. I'm doing one now for the Australian crowd where I live, and I'll do one more for the US crowd later. If anyone seems interested, I'll tell you all how the story ends. Otherwise this is the last you'll have to hear about it. Thankyou.

 

[repeating integers]

Hey everyone.

I'd like to gauge interest across the escapist community about hearing how this story ends. Sorry about double posting. I'm doing one now for the Australian crowd where I live, and I'll do one more for the US crowd later. If anyone seems interested, I'll tell you all how the story ends. Otherwise this is the last you'll have to hear about it. Thankyou.

You can't just leave us hanging, dude. We need to see how this ends.

 

[Quaxar]

Oh, so it's actually the OP resurfacing the thread, not some random guy with 5 posts giving his two cents on a 4 months old thread.

Go on then, give us the finale. Surely a lot of people involved in here would like to hear how it turned out.

 

[Angie7F]

I think you deserve better because what she is doing is trying to use you as a safety net.

Also at 22, it is hard to settle down and be with one person because you hardly know who you are.

I would let her go do her own thing after a clean break up.
If the paths cross at some point in the future and decide to get back together again, that is fine.
But I would not wait around.
Life is too precious.

 

[Squilookle]

Hey everyone.

Im trying to gauge interest across the escapist community about hearing how this story ends. Sorry about double posting. I'm doing one now for the US crowd, as I've done one earlier for the Australian crowd where I live. If members seems interested, I'll tell you all how the story ends. Otherwise this is the last you'll have to hear about it. Thankyou.

 

[Kevlar Eater]

Of course I would wanna know how this story ends. But were I you, I would redact her existence as if she were a mistake in a classified military document. You don't deserve to be used and thrown away when you became an inconvenience.

 

[Kontarek]

I never post here, but I'm posting now because as a person who read your story back in March I would very much like to know how things turned out for you. I didn't post then; I had no special advice to give that hadn't already been covered by others. But, I can say that reading your story is one of the few reasons I've still bothered to lurk around these forums, looking for those few bright spots among the more mundane topics.

So please, tell us how it ends.

 

[Mondai Randy]

TC I have been reading your thread for the past hour, it is one of the best posts I have ever read here and I can certainly understand what it feels to be at that "almost breaking up" point. In my case me and my girl broke up at around November 2012.... I didn't take it badly for the first few months.... until I decided to think about it one day and suddenly the memories came back.


It was a bad experience and I know why we broke up , I was not a good boyfriend at all and I realized that I hurt her and I made many mistakes (if I could back in time , I would try to be a way better boyfriend than I was) so when we broke up, I was not mad at her , I was mad at myself because I realized just what a massive jerk I was to her , she was honestly too good for me.


Sorry for trailing off , what I want to say is that I do want to know how your story ends... and I hope whether good or bad, that you are doing good and that you managed to find yourself in a good place in life again... and if you ever need someone to just talk with , well I am here

 

[Angie7F]

I want to knwo the ending too!