I think of you as a friend.

[wkrepelin]

she wasn't attracted to you and didn't want to hurt you feelings. She had heard then line before and it was the first thing to pop into her head. Unfortuneatley this changes the relationship dynamic and, more often than not, lead to the decay of the relationship. It's a bit like when one person in a couple proposes marriage and the other one says no, they really can't continue in the same way after that and usually split up.

 

[NoblePhilistineFox]

You know I would have been happy to keep the friendship, but when I told her how I felt well things just started to fall apart and the friendship slowly dissolved. Now I talk to her maybe once every two months if that and I know she is again dating a guy that uses her. it well really breaks my heart that even though she didn't want me she could have at least found a guy that wouldn't treat her like shit she doesn't deserve that really no one does.

saw that,
sorry bro T_T
s'okay, better to have loved then lost tthen...
...
...
...y'know what, thats a stupid saying.
I dont really know what to tell you buddy...

Thanks for the noble effort friend

Its too bad I wasnt there, because I know a cure-all remedy for broken hearts and blue junk
*hugs*

 

[Joeshmoe5]

Guys and girls of the escapist have you ever gotten this line from someone you really wanted to date or get together with? If so I would like to hear your experience mainly because I am trying to understand why this line seems to be so bloody common.

My personal experience happened about a year ago all through high school I had known this girl she was kind of nerdy but really awesome. We did everything together we loved the same kinds of games, music, movies etc. and well during the friendship I had really started to develop feelings for her but she was with a guy who in all definitions was a total douche. So I back off stay the close friend until finally she wakes up and dumps the asshole. Well I console her like a good friend and about 2 months pass and I finally get up the nerve to ask her out, this is where one of the biggest mind fucks that i can remember happens to me, she says to me and i quote "Oh you are so nice and I would totally date a guy like you but I consider you a really good friend".

Now I quietly backed off and went to think about that one because it just does not make sense to me. I mean if she would date a guy like me then um why not just date me? Please Escapist do your thing and post your experience and thoughts on this I would love to hear them.

Lemme break it down for you:

She finds your personality, intellect, similar tastes, ect. to all be awesome. You're nice, you're fun to be around, but she doesn't like you romantically? Why?

She doesn't find you physically attractive. Sorry, mate.

It's not a mindfuck, it's not some great mystery, it's the dividing line between wanting to "do everything together with" and "wanting to date" someone. The major dividing line between friendship and romance is whether you want to be physically involved with someone. A boyfriend/girlfriend deal without intimacy is not substantially different from simply being good friends. We all know this kind of instinctively, too, which is why we don't think twice about not wanting to date any of our same-gendered (for the heterosexuals) or opposite-gendered (for the homosexuals) friends: we don't find them physically attractive.

What "I would totally date a guy like you" really means is "I would totally date a guy like you who I also wanted to sleep with". Same with all the other phrases like that. Just append "who I also want to sleep with" to the end of it, and you'll understand why she may like you, but won't date you: "why can't I find a nice guy... Who I also want to sleep with?", ect.

You have two choices. Either the friendship was always worth it, so you accept that she doesn't find you attractive, and doesn't want to ride your baloney pony; so you remain friends and you don't let it be awkward. Or you decide the friendship was only worth it because you were biding your time, and thought you had a shot, and it isn't worth it to be around a girl who'll never date you; so you'll make it awkward, and not be friends anymore.

If you follow the latter path, though, you're the douchebag.

Welcome to...

THE FRIEND ZONE!

Dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnn

Your shit out of luck now.

Eh... I think the friend zone is more about us rejected, dejected, and "hurt" guys wanting to feel like we had more control over the situation than we did. We don't want it to be "well, she just didn't like you because she didn't find you attractive as a boyfriend", we have to have either done something "wrong" or done something "right" (but which she's too stupid to appreciate).

So, we make this narrative where if we hadn't been her friend, we'd have had a better shot, we make up this godawful crap about "jerks all get the girls, so it must just be about being confident, swaggering, and not letting her get the milk (being supportive, kind, compassionate) without buying the cow (sleeping with us)". One way or another, we have to have the result be something we caused (we self-important tossers, we).

It tends to follow a usual pattern. First few times, the narrative is "she doesn't want to ruin the friendship, no big deal, it makes sense, if we break up it might be awkward" this eventually transforms into "well, that means I shouldn't form friendships like that if I want to date the girl, I need to hold off on supportiveness a little, make her recognize just how much she wants me" which turns into "stupid bitches, I'm such a nice guy, why can't they see I'm better for them? I'll have to be a manipulative jerk like the boys she dates". Then the guy turns into a douchebag for a few years.

Here's the deal: there's no such thing as the "friend zone".

If you were her friend in the first place, the fact that she declined to date/sleep with you doesn't matter, since the friendship is what was important to you. Dating would have been a bonus.

If you were just using being friends as a bridge to try to be in a relationship, you deserve to be rejected. And you were never friends with her in the first place.

The reason jerks get girls is because they're generally more attractive, that's how it works. We're second-best, so we try harder.

Basically what she's saying is she likes you, but the thought of you naked fills her with a deep revulsion.

This is exactly what I'm saying. It's that she likes who you are, just not the concept of making sweet, sweet, awkward, nerdy, love to you.

you are a smart man!

 

[zhoominator]

The reality is that no friend of mine (who's female and heterosexual) would turn me down if I looked like Brad Pitt. It's not a "you were her friend, that caused you to have to chance" thing, it's a "you're a hideous fucking CHUD, so you have no chance" thing

Actually, I kind of disagree to an extent. There is more to being sexually attractive than being good looking. The Brad Pitt example is an interesting one actually because it reminds me of what one of my friends said to me (he acted in some plays that were really good and shown to the whole school):
"Before, most women wouldn't look twice at me. Now they seem to be throwing themselves at me!"

People find confidence attractive, I certainly do. That's why the confident guys had lots of girlfriends and even some of the jerks too. Power is attractive, it's nature. You don't have to be handsome to be charismatic. But like good looks, it geneally is something you either have or you don't, which basically amounts to the kind of thing you've already said. I don't believe in the "friendzone" either.

And hey, if I was a girl I'd rather go with a jerk who had no pretention to being anything else than a "nice guy" who turned out to be a manipulative bell end.

 

[skywalkerlion]

I disagree with the people backing her decision. If she didn't find him physically attractive, then tell him he's not physically attractive. I'd eat that up better than "Can't we just be friends? ?"

And I wouldn't be all too surprised if he didn't stay for a friendship with the girl, because if he wants more than just a friendship he's probably not gonna stay if she doesn't give him what he wants, an actual relationship.

 

[MegaManOfNumbers]

Through my experience, girls who say that are pitying you and want to reject you nicely; which I think is more dickish than just flat out rejecting you. after all, humans hate being pityed (spell fail).

also those aformentioned girls assume your really nice and accept that excuse. I think to reassure any closure you become an ass towards them (and not in a good way). Why you may ask? because when a girl is bugged by a douche its perfectly normal, BUUUT if they're bugged by a guy which is normally nice its pretty fucking scary for them.

Because when the quiet guy flips out, its terrifying.

 

[Axzarious]

Frankly, this whole love thing confuses me. I have yet to discern how it's different from friendship, or hear somebody even explain how its different aside from "They are a friend, but you get to sleep with them." So, if i'm correct the following must be true, and 'love' consists of this.

1. You must find the meatbag pleasing. This is the most important thing.
2. You must consider them a friend. This does not seem to be as important, judging by all the stories say about 'douchebags' getting all the females.

So, does this mean the 'friend zone' thing, is the lacking of condition 1?

 

[Kwaren]

I have never had this happen to me but the internet has filled me in on it.

This is what I have come to understand it as.

Spoiler: image courtesy of 4chan

 

[BarskeLars]

There is 2 easy ways to getting the girl you like to like you. (May not work on all of them, as there may be some who prefers a good personality, but don't get you'r hopes up..)
1. Being attractive enough for her to fall for you, or...
2. Being filthy rich enough for her to fall for you.

But MOST girls seem to think mainly about looks and bank account..
While most of us guys seem to think mainly about boobs...(Some girls like boobs too, but, well, probably not man boobs...)

 

[Seldon2639]

I disagree with the people backing her decision. If she didn't find him physically attractive, then tell him he's not physically attractive. I'd eat that up better than "Can't we just be friends? ?"

And I wouldn't be all too surprised if he didn't stay for a friendship with the girl, because if he wants more than just a friendship he's probably not gonna stay if she doesn't give him what he wants, an actual relationship.

Imagine being the one being asked out, though. Imagine one of your female friends came to you and said. "Uhm... Well... I like you... And I'd like to go out sometime... If you're interested". It might be better for the recipient long-term to hear the cruel truth, but it sucks for the person having to say it, no one wants to be that cruel to someone they care about.

Frankly, this whole love thing confuses me. I have yet to discern how it's different from friendship, or hear somebody even explain how its different aside from "They are a friend, but you get to sleep with them." So, if i'm correct the following must be true, and 'love' consists of this.

1. You must find the meatbag pleasing. This is the most important thing.
2. You must consider them a friend. This does not seem to be as important, judging by all the stories say about 'douchebags' getting all the females.

So, does this mean the 'friend zone' thing, is the lacking of condition 1?

A romantic relationship is basically a friendship + sex. And, not for nothing, but your second condition is true if and only if we're talking about love and/or a long-term relationship. Douchebags tend to get the girls for two reasons (a) they're more attractive, and thus more appealing at the outset, and (b) they ask out more girls, so it's a law of large numbers thing.

It's actually not complicated once you stop applying emotional stupidity to it.

The reality is that no friend of mine (who's female and heterosexual) would turn me down if I looked like Brad Pitt. It's not a "you were her friend, that caused you to have to chance" thing, it's a "you're a hideous fucking CHUD, so you have no chance" thing

Actually, I kind of disagree to an extent. There is more to being sexually attractive than being good looking. The Brad Pitt example is an interesting one actually because it reminds me of what one of my friends said to me (he acted in some plays that were really good and shown to the whole school):
"Before, most women wouldn't look twice at me. Now they seem to be throwing themselves at me!"

People find confidence attractive, I certainly do. That's why the confident guys had lots of girlfriends and even some of the jerks too. Power is attractive, it's nature. You don't have to be handsome to be charismatic. But like good looks, it geneally is something you either have or you don't, which basically amounts to the kind of thing you've already said. I don't believe in the "friendzone" either.

And hey, if I was a girl I'd rather go with a jerk who had no pretention to being anything else than a "nice guy" who turned out to be a manipulative bell end.

Charisma is important, as is power, but both of those can only act as initial "contact instigators". Unless you're being manipulative, friendship precludes charisma (they know when you're "on" rather than being natural), and power. So, yes, your friend has more girls "throwing themselves" at him, but it doesn't really give him a better chance with any specific girl who was already his friend.

We're talking two different issues; one is about getting "a girl" and the other is about getting "this girl"

 

[nick n stuff]

this nearly happened today...but i chickened out. can anyone say regret.
ah well. no good would have come out of it anyway

 

[Seldon2639]

There is 2 easy ways to getting the girl you like to like you. (May not work on all of them, as there may be some who prefers a good personality, but don't get you'r hopes up..)
1. Being attractive enough for her to fall for you, or...
2. Being filthy rich enough for her to fall for you.

But MOST girls seem to think mainly about looks and bank account..
While most of us guys seem to think mainly about boobs...(Some girls like boobs too, but, well, probably not man boobs...)

*sigh*

The misogyny here is amazing.

That's not getting a girl to like you (especially not the money one), it's getting a girl to tolerate sleeping with you in order to either get sex with a hot guy, or get some tangible reward.

To actually have a girl fall for you takes her liking who you are (personality, intellect, ect.) and what you look like. Otherwise it's not anything more significant feelings-wise than a drunken fling.

Don't mistake lust, or pragmatic calculation, for actual affection.

 

[Velvo]

Every human being manipulates other human beings in one form or another to get things they desire. The only people that never do, are those who are stepped on and walked all over by the rest of the world. They're the ones sitting at the bottom complaining about how everyone else is.

Some people are straight with other people about what they want. Some people are honest with other people because that's the easiest way to understand each other. You don't have to be a manipulative bastard to get what you want. You just have to be willing to be honest and able to say, "nope, that's not worth it" sometimes. I generally don't manipulate people (or at least am not conscious of doing so intentionally) and I'm perfectly content with my life. Not much drama.

 

[NotAPie]

Yeah, Been there done that.
I've thought about changing my personality to being more of a jerk...I just can't, but fuck it I'm in no hurry to find anyone at the moment.

 

[ThaBenMan]

That phrase is pretty much just a nicer way of saying "I'm not attracted to you."