If someone is a post-op transsexual, are they obligated to tell the person they are pursuing/dating?

[Helmholtz Watson]

On the one hand, I'd like to think that if I like someone enough then I'd be ok with them being a post op transsexual.

On the other hand, holy shit this girl used to have a penis. Ohgodohgodohgod D:

So. Yeah. Make of that what you will.

I think that's the basis for the hope of 'If I date them for a bit, but don't tell them right away, this could work'.

If you tell someone right away, even if that person is on the fence, they'll shut you down - almost guaranteed.

If you wait, let them get to actually know you, develop an attraction (emotional) to you, and then tell them. Suddenly they have a real question, now it's 'we have something, is this person I know and care about worth it' as opposed to 'there's nothing here yet, is this stranger worth it'.

Some will still shut a trans person down, but some will be shaken by their connection to the trans person, and will keep giving it a legitimate shot, and that's really (i think) the best a trans person in this day can hope for.

I hope I'm getting this wrong, but are you saying that its better for a transsexual to wait until they have been going out with the person for a while before they tell them, and hope that the emotional connection will keep the relationship together? You don't think that's wrong?

 

[Psykoma]

I hope I'm getting this wrong, but are you saying that its better for a transsexual to wait until they have been going out with the person for a while before they tell them, and hope that the emotional connection will keep the relationship together? You don't think that's wrong?

I'm not saying anything on the right or wrongness of the situation, that's entirely for the people in the specific instance of that situation to decide.

I'm saying to many it's a choice between an immediate definite shut down, and a possible future shutdown, and they'll go for the one that's still only 'possible'.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

I hope I'm getting this wrong, but are you saying that its better for a transsexual to wait until they have been going out with the person for a while before they tell them, and hope that the emotional connection will keep the relationship together? You don't think that's wrong?

I'm not saying anything on the right or wrongness of the situation, that's entirely for the people in the specific instance of that situation to decide.

I'm saying to many it's a choice between an immediate definite shut down, and a possible future shutdown, and they'll go for the one that's still only 'possible'.

Ok, so now I'm asking you, do you think it would be right if you were in the transsexual persons position? Do you think that its right or wrong to intentionally trick/mislead somebody for your own personal gain?

 

[DirtyJunkieScum]

I'm not saying anything on the right or wrongness of the situation, that's entirely for the people in the specific instance of that situation to decide.

I'm saying to many it's a choice between an immediate definite shut down, and a possible future shutdown, and they'll go for the one that's still only 'possible'.

Note this is also responding to your previous post where you explained what you meant more fully.

I can understand this and sympathise to an extent. You understand that a lot of people are going to have a problem with it but hope that if they get to know you personally and like you for your personality etc then they will be more likely to give it a go, whereas if you tell them from the off they'll just run. Maybe the best way is if you get to know them as a friend first and then let them know before you get romantically involved, this way they can get to know you but won't feel deceived or whatever when it comes to the relationship. I certainly think that that is the most likely scenario for me to be accepting of a romantic relationship with a MtF transsexual. If I knew straight away before I got to know them it would be a straight "No", and if someone waited until we were in relationship I would feel like I'd been lied to whether it had got to the sex stage or not. If I got to be friends with this person and thought of them as a woman and then was given the full details before getting romantically involved then it would be my choice and I'd feel better about it. It's no guarantee but I think it's the best chance.

 

[Psykoma]

Ok, so now I'm asking you, do you think it would be right if you were in the transsexual persons position? Do you think that its right or wrong to intentionally trick/mislead somebody for your own personal gain?

My answer currently is the same as before:

As a newly post op transwoman, my moral compass says:

One night stands: No, neither party is using the other as anything more than a bag of meat.
You have reservations about the type of person you might sleep with? Don't do one night stands.

For attempting a real relationship: the guy would know before I give a response to his first 'want to go out?'.

As it stands, I haven't started trying to date yet. Can I say my philosophy will stay like this once I do start dating? I can't make that promise.

After a 100 guys turn me down immediately after finding out I'm trans, will my tactics change? 200 guys? I don't know.

 

[Montezuma's Lawyer]

I've seen this thread before.

Short relationships and flings - No
Long relationships - Eventually Yes

I'm a trans-woman, and I want to be treated as a woman. I don't want to bring up a painful past that is not relevant.

It seems the big issue is that men think they're gay if they end up liking a trans-woman, and they freak out like insecure children when they find out.

 

[Psykoma]

I'm not saying anything on the right or wrongness of the situation, that's entirely for the people in the specific instance of that situation to decide.

I'm saying to many it's a choice between an immediate definite shut down, and a possible future shutdown, and they'll go for the one that's still only 'possible'.

Note this is also responding to your previous post where you explained what you meant more fully.

I can understand this and sympathise to an extent. You understand that a lot of people are going to have a problem with it but hope that if they get to know you personally and like you for your personality etc then they will be more likely to give it a go, whereas if you tell them from the off they'll just run. Maybe the best way is if you get to know them as a friend first and then let them know before you get romantically involved, this way they can get to know you but won't feel deceived or whatever when it comes to the relationship. I certainly think that that is the most likely scenario for me to be accepting of a romantic relationship with a MtF transsexual. If I knew straight away before I got to know them it would be a straight "No", and if someone waited until we were in relationship I would feel like I'd been lied to whether it had got to the sex stage or not. If I got to be friends with this person and thought of them as a woman and then was given the full details before getting romantically involved then it would be my choice and I'd feel better about it. It's no guarantee but I think it's the best chance.

Ideally I think that would probably be the 'best' option. One other thing you have to consider though is that the scenario you described is about as slow as you can get in developing a relationship.
Now remember that transpeople don't start out their lives fully transitioned, that takes time. Someone who's been in the wrong body for 30, 40, 50, even 60 or more years may just not have the patience after so many decades to hold down the fort for as long as it takes to get through what you described in the hope that a relationship might grow.

It's just all ridiculously complicated.

 

[RedDeadFred]

I know I'd want to know.

Call me an asshole if you want but I wouldn't date a transgender person. Sorry, it would just be a huge turn off.

 

[Helmholtz Watson]

Ok, so now I'm asking you, do you think it would be right if you were in the transsexual persons position? Do you think that its right or wrong to intentionally trick/mislead somebody for your own personal gain?

My answer currently is the same as before:

As a newly post op transwoman, my moral compass says:

One night stands: No, neither party is using the other as anything more than a bag of meat.
You have reservations about the type of person you might sleep with? Don't do one night stands.

For attempting a real relationship: the guy would know before I give a response to his first 'want to go out?'.

As it stands, I haven't started trying to date yet. Can I say my philosophy will stay like this once I do start dating? I can't make that promise.

While I don't agree with your answer about one night stands, I appreciate your honesty.

 

[DirtyJunkieScum]

Ideally I think that would probably be the 'best' option. One other thing you have to consider though is that the scenario you described is about as slow as you can get in developing a relationship.
Now remember that transpeople don't start out their lives fully transitioned, that takes time. Someone who's been in the wrong body for 30, 40, 50, even 60 or more years may just not have the patience after so many decades to hold down the fort for as long as it takes to get through what you described in the hope that a relationship might grow.

It's just all ridiculously complicated.

Yeah, but it's how I go with all my relationships, or at least all the ones that have lasted longer than a month.

Yeah, I bet it is.

 

[D Moness]

Can you show me where you get this info before you state it... My genetics teacher (its my major in college year 6) defines that sex is determined entirely with the chromosomes. You can not be an XX chromosome and have a penis there has never been a case of it (naturally, you can get a fake one that doesn't do anything). If you have XY you are a man if you have XXY you are a man. If you have XX you are a female. Not because of the instructions that make your organs but because in the act of reproduction the only role an XY/ XXY/ or YY (super super super rare) is the role of a man... You cant get pregnant ever! If you are an XX you can never impregnate someone... Never! When defined by SCIENCE the gender lines are only about reproduction. Can you impregnate a woman? No... than you are totally a woman. Yes than you are totally a man. And will be forever.

I have a nice documentary your genetics teacher should see and then explain to me. It was about how difficult it was to see a persons sex when they are born. One of the people in it when born was identified as female (aka had a vagina and not a penis). When she turned 6 and after a small accident they had to do some tests and found out her dna is XY.

She had no womb or ovaries but she had a vagina but not a penis. So have your genetic teacher explain that.

 

[Rednog]

Can you show me where you get this info before you state it... My genetics teacher (its my major in college year 6) defines that sex is determined entirely with the chromosomes. You can not be an XX chromosome and have a penis there has never been a case of it (naturally, you can get a fake one that doesn't do anything). If you have XY you are a man if you have XXY you are a man. If you have XX you are a female. Not because of the instructions that make your organs but because in the act of reproduction the only role an XY/ XXY/ or YY (super super super rare) is the role of a man... You cant get pregnant ever! If you are an XX you can never impregnate someone... Never! When defined by SCIENCE the gender lines are only about reproduction. Can you impregnate a woman? No... than you are totally a woman. Yes than you are totally a man. And will be forever.

I have a nice documentary your genetics teacher should see and then explain to me. It was about how difficult it was to see a persons sex when they are born. One of the people in it when born was identified as female (aka had a vagina and not a penis). When she turned 6 and after a small accident they had to do some tests and found out her dna is XY.

She had no womb or ovaries but she had a vagina but not a penis. So have your genetic teacher explain that.

It could be a mix of lacking certain hormones and/or a birth defect. It really isn't a case of it being hard to tell what sex a baby is, it just happened to be that something happened in the womb that while still XY a signal didn't go to the genital region to for the testicles/penis but did have the signal to abolish the ovary/womb. And the doctors went by sight for identification which in probably 99.99% of cases is correct.

 

[D Moness]

Can you impregnate a woman? No... than you are totally a woman. Yes than you are totally a man. And will be forever.

And yet she still can't get pregnant. Do you people never read? IT ISN'T ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK ITS ABOUT YOUR ABILITY TO REPRODUCE!

She can not impregnate a women so she is a women. According to your first quote.
But according to your second text since she can not get pregnant she isn't a women.


so what is she?

 

[Sandytimeman]

That's where it gets sticky really. if someone is convinced that it's not relevant since they are now female, who are we to say they're wrong or that such information should be revealed? They haven't done anything wrong. Knowing about child bearing is one thing, but why would someone need to know you're a post-op or even care beyond, I guess, bigotry or homophobia? I honestly can't think of a good reason.

How about those of us that are not attracted to transsexuals don't appreciate being lied to, or mislead.

If your not attracted to transsexuals then you could never possibly be in a situation that one would have to lie to you, right?

If you are in fact attracted to someone who is a transsexual then it would be an issue would it not?

 

[smokeyninjas]

Fucking rights you should tell them maybe not right off the bat but at least before sex.
It dosen't matter how much you feel or look like a woman no amount of cosmetic surgery will change the fact you were born with Y chromosome so genetically your a bloke or woman if you were born without the Y chromosome its very cut & dry from a biological standpoint.

 

[taciturnCandid]

First off, if you are sexually involved with a post-op transexual, then it should be pretty obvious that they are a transexual. We are not at the point medically to accurately replicate gentalia. It isn't as simple as copy and paste.

Personally, for me it doesn't matter if they withold the information or not. I love the person for who they are and their personality, not because of some genitalia. Gender seems a bit unfair to me to judge someone by, as it doesn't accurately describe who they are.

Maybe some people want to live their life as the gender they choose, and their biological sex isn't something that they want to bring to attention. Why does it matter if they have XY chromosomes or XX cromosomes? If they appear as a woman or a man and they identify as one, then aren't they one?

 

[Innegativeion]

Im going to say this one more time.. than im going to ignore your ignorance and stupidity.... Chromosomes do with sex. He has a Y chromosome and is therfore a man.... sucks that she can't impregnate anyone because her body fucked her over. I don't know how you can't figure this out, sorry you don't know how to read or use logic or even understand what you do read. But you should learn to do so if you are going to be an ass. My first post states that if you have a Y chromosome you are a man... nothing else! You can misquote and string together words from my quote all day though. If you go 2 lines back from your quote you will see me saying its about chromosomes. The Y chromosome means you reproduce as a man, im sorry you can't seem to grasp the concept of genetics. I truly am sorry, I think you should avoid a career in science.

You are going on the false assumption that chromosomes serve any purpose further than storing the information that amino acids use to make proteins. The chromosomes themselves are not used to make organs, proteins are. If the chromosomes' ability to make certain proteins in certain ways are blocked by hormones, then they might as well not be there at all(disregarding non-sexual characteristics on the X chromosomes, of course).

You're also going on the false conclusion that sex only pertains to fertility, so I might point out that it also involves gender-specific nonsexual characteristics, hormonal behavior, body structure, and social expectations. I doubt infertile women would appreciate being called men.

Let me try to put this as simply as I can; if we somehow replaced every Y gene in a man's body with an X, he would NOT magically become female. Chromosomes are INSTRUCTIONS, nothing more. Furthermore, before the X and Y chromosomes start delivering information in fetus development, the organ that becomes either a penis or clitoris, for both male and female fetuses, is exactly the same. If these genes were to be, say, stopped by hormones (as is done prior to SRS), and the organ they constructed is re-constructed as the opposite gender's organ, then there would be no difference between this fetus and one who's gender was determined by genetics.

Maybe some people want to live their life as the gender they choose, and their biological sex isn't something that they want to bring to attention. Why does it matter if they have XY chromosomes or XX cromosomes? If they appear as a woman or a man and they identify as one, then aren't they one?

Yes, unfortunately some seem to have a hard time accepting this.