evilthecat said:
If you only wanted one thing then the question remains of why you didn't just ask for it, and why you tolerated something which you didn't actually want in the hope (the incredibly foolish hope, in fact) that it might possibly lead to what you want. That's not nice. In fact, it's kind of deceptive.
What I meant is more like, say, I have 50 euro to spend, and I can buy a new game or treat this girl I like to something. I want both of those things, but I'm going to be giving up one for the other (silly example, I know, but I think it will serve for my point). Now if the girl turns out to not be interested, I'll be sad, and for a moment I might even think I should have just bought the bloody game instead. Doesn't mean I felt entitled to her being interested in me, just that I'm lamenting my choice a bit, and that in hindsight, I'd have made a different one if I knew she didn't like me "that way" beforehand.
When you expose yourself like that, you make yourself vulnerable. That's not to say people should tip-toe around you, but if you do get hurt in that state, I think it's understandable you want to lick your wounds for a bit, so to say.
Put it this way. If I am the friend who it suddenly turns out you can't be friends with because you wanted a relationship with me, then I am also not getting what I want out of this situation. However, unlike you who wants something you don't have, which there was never any indication you would ever have and which I never consented to give you, I am being deprived of something in which I was already secure, which I already felt was there and which you gave every indication that you wanted. If you allowed or tolerated that in service of your own quest to get what you wanted from me, then I don't see anything wrong with feeling deceived.
I see it a bit differently. What you describe can and sometimes does happen, of course, but bottom line is that nobody's entitled to any kind of a relationship they want, be it an intimate relationship, or a friendship. As long as the matter is handled amicably, I don't think anyone involved deserves scorn, even if they cut all contact afterwards. Just like I'm not entitled to have that girl pounce on me, she's not entitled to my friendship, if I am for whatever reason unable or unwilling to give it.
I mean, with my current situation in life, I simply don't have the time and resources for all my friendships as it is, but if I get rejected by a girl, I'm more likely to spend time handling the pre-existing friendships with other people I generally don't have time for instead of grooming a friendship with her. I suppose it's a bit of a comfort zone thing. There's only one of me, after all.
This is, of course, in the scenario that the new romantic interest popped up rather recently. It's different when I've known the lady for a while and we were friends, and I tried to make a move which she rejected - I'll still be calling to keep the old times up, because I have enjoyed my time with her already. Just maybe not for the next two or three weeks.
It's a hurtful feeling to know that something which I invested in means so little to you that it can be overshadowed by your grief at what you're not getting from me. Like it or not, you are entirely responsible for that pain, unlike the false responsibility you would assign to me by accusing you of "friendzoning" you. All I'm saying is, take responsibility.
Not entirely. I'm entirely responsible for putting myself into the situation, yes. But the choice that caused me pain wasn't mine alone. I'm not going to blame you for my pain, but I think there's nothing wrong with momentarily wishing you made a different choice. But what happens afterward, how I handle that situation is up to me - you might not like that choice, but the least you can do is respect it, as long as, as said before, I've handled it amicably. And if I call you after a few months and ask you if you want to go see a movie, no strings attached, I'd hope you wouldn't try to guilt trip me over it, even if you have different arrangements made and can't or don't want to come.
Now if I was rude to you and threw a hissy fit over you telling me no, then you can of course tell me to go screw myself next time you hear from me if you so wish - I had it coming.
It doesn't make you a bad person, but it does mean you messed up.
Indeed. Messing up sucks, but it's all a learning experience. I'm just trying to point out how these things don't exist in a vacuum, so if I decide not to call for a while (or at all), that doesn't mean I'm an asshole, it means more that there are other things taking up my time.
But that's me, I can't sit and do nothing for more than five minutes, so you won't catch me wallowing in self-pity either, cause that's a waste of time. I accept the fact that some people might be doing that, and to those I'll say "Get the hell off your ass and go get busy something. Anything."
(Daylight savings is awesome. You think you have to go to work only to realize you have another hour)