Is the question, "Are you gay?" offensive?

[Siege_TF]

Living in the country people tend to question male sexuality if you aren't a grunting troglodyte, so I'm not offended. Pushed one dumbass into the nettles at the bus stop back in high school when he took a swing at me, though that was for the sake of my amusement when he started a conversation with "My brother thinks you're gay." to which I wittily countered
"Even if I was... I wouldn't be gay for him."

 

[MisterDyslexo]

So I've been working on this piece about homosexual relationships and have come across a question many times with no definitive answer:

Is asking someone, "Are you gay?" offensive?

Depends if I'm "acting all faggoty" or not. I'm gay, and if its a genuine, curious question without a condescending tone or obvious anti-gay tones, then no. If its something like:

Person: Do you like "x thing I don't like"
Me: Yes
Person: Are you gay?

Or something thats just obviously offensive, then I'd say yeah.

But its a personal question ultimately. I don't ask the 62-year old Vietnam vet I know if his hair is actually still blonde or if he is dying it. People getting defensive over such a personal question isn't offensive, because its the fact its such a personal question, not what the question really is.

Personally, I would want to know if a girl I'm dating is gay so that I would know where this relationship was going (believe me, it would have saved me some time in past incidents).

If she was a lesbian, she wouldn't be dating a guy. Thats part of the whole "homosexual" thing. Straight people don't date the same gender, so if she was a lesbian, why would she date you? If anything, asking a girl if she's bisexual might sound like you're asking if she's open to a three-way or something like that.

It is offenseive. I understand if a woman is curious, but when they ask it is like they aren't sure that I am a straight male. That means my worth is little in her reprotuctive scope. I am then worthless to her... which means I am worthless as a whole.

Perhaps they're curious because they want to pursue a courtship with you, and she wanted to make sure you weren't gay so she wouldn't be wasting her time pursuing you? Ever consider that?

 

[Egillswordguy]

I consider myself very flamboyant (or extravagant) and even a tad bit feminine at times, still I prefer women over men leading me to believe that there is no definitive "gay" or "straight" behavior. I don't mind it when people ask me whether I'm gay or not. I just say no, unless they are trying to offend me in which case a have a little fun

 

[MisterDyslexo]

Well, I was dating a girl for a few weeks (nothing serious, but we were exclusive) and before our last date, she got a little alcohol in her and started telling me about various sexual encounters with women that she had years ago in great detail. At first, I thought that she was tipsy and just saying things and if anything, she experimented in college.

The next day, I asked if she "liked girls," and she said that she did. She went on to say that she had been hiding her sexuality for a while and believed that if she dated enough guys, she would be attracted to them. I told her that if she was gay, she should not be ashamed of it. We broke up, but I bare no ill will towards her.

Tell her to stop self hating, that it won't change, and that there is nothing wrong with it. She's one of those "push away the gay" folks, and by "push" it is usually either "sex with as many members of the opposite sex" or "pray", neither healthy to hold such a self-hatred. She probably needs some emotional help, to which I'd say direct her towards a local chair of the HRC if one exists, use the internet at a source in which to talk about it to other gays in a rational manner (aka no self-hatred), or a psychologist, to help with her feelings.

 

[Mikeyfell]

Nope.

It helps to remember that nothing in and of it's self is offensive, but anyone can be offended by anything.

Also keep in mind that "You like Call of Duty, are you gay?" is probably worse than "I want to have sex with you, are you gay?"

As for asking someone of their sexual orientation, it's usually fine to ask. If they give you the runaround instead of answering it's a good idea not to push it.


I'm an interesting case because I have so many gay friends that I assume new people are gay by default. The only time knowing someone's sexual orientation would really matter when sex is involved, (or you don't want to go to a strip club alone) but if you have that kind of relationship asking is appropriate.

 

[Blindswordmaster]

The question, "Are you Gay?" is only offensive if it's bad to answer yes. Let me ask you this, original poster, Is it bad to be gay?

Utterly untrue. It depends on the implications from the one asking the question. If they imply when asking that it's bad, yes that would be offensive. And it depends why they're asking. If they're just stereotyping, yes, that's somewhat offensive.

I disagree, it's a simple binary question. You answer yes or no. We can't count inflection, because that can make anything sound bad, so we're just talking about the question itself. Which is harmless.

 

[Blindswordmaster]

The question, "Are you Gay?" is only offensive if it's bad to answer yes. Let me ask you this, original poster, Is it bad to be gay?

Utterly untrue. It depends on the implications from the one asking the question. If they imply when asking that it's bad, yes that would be offensive. And it depends why they're asking. If they're just stereotyping, yes, that's somewhat offensive.

I disagree, it's a simple binary question. You answer yes or no. We can't count inflection, because that can make anything sound bad, so we're just talking about the question itself. Which is harmless.

We're talking about the real world where inflection exists I assume.

Yes, but you can't judge weather a question is offensive based on someone's inflection when asking it. I can make a blowjob sound bad with the right inflection. You must judge the question based solely on the arrangement of words. I would also like to say that text doesn't really have any inflection.

 

[Blindswordmaster]

The question, "Are you Gay?" is only offensive if it's bad to answer yes. Let me ask you this, original poster, Is it bad to be gay?

Utterly untrue. It depends on the implications from the one asking the question. If they imply when asking that it's bad, yes that would be offensive. And it depends why they're asking. If they're just stereotyping, yes, that's somewhat offensive.

I disagree, it's a simple binary question. You answer yes or no. We can't count inflection, because that can make anything sound bad, so we're just talking about the question itself. Which is harmless.

We're talking about the real world where inflection exists I assume.

Yes, but you can't judge weather a question is offensive based on someone's inflection when asking it. I can make a blowjob sound bad with the right inflection. You must judge the question based solely on the arrangement of words. I would also like to say that text doesn't really have any inflection.

It's nonsense to assume it is perfectly neutral because in the real world it isn't. So instead of making an inaccurate and useless blanket answer you qualify it.

And even if it was in text, there is the context.

No, if we're not going be reasonable we 'must' try to avoid being overly simplistic and only judging it on the arrangement of words. It's not as if it's impossible to give general guidelines.

Please explain to me why the question isn't perfectly neutral. Haven't we, as a society, learned to accept people for who they are? Asking "Are you gay" is just as innocuous as asking "Do you like the Bears".

 

[Supertegwyn]

I've been asked that many times. Although I am a Heterosexual white male, I always lie and say I'm gay. The look on peoples faces.....

 

[Blindswordmaster]

The question, "Are you Gay?" is only offensive if it's bad to answer yes. Let me ask you this, original poster, Is it bad to be gay?

Utterly untrue. It depends on the implications from the one asking the question. If they imply when asking that it's bad, yes that would be offensive. And it depends why they're asking. If they're just stereotyping, yes, that's somewhat offensive.

I disagree, it's a simple binary question. You answer yes or no. We can't count inflection, because that can make anything sound bad, so we're just talking about the question itself. Which is harmless.

We're talking about the real world where inflection exists I assume.

Yes, but you can't judge weather a question is offensive based on someone's inflection when asking it. I can make a blowjob sound bad with the right inflection. You must judge the question based solely on the arrangement of words. I would also like to say that text doesn't really have any inflection.

It's nonsense to assume it is perfectly neutral because in the real world it isn't. So instead of making an inaccurate and useless blanket answer you qualify it.

And even if it was in text, there is the context.

No, if we're not going be reasonable we 'must' try to avoid being overly simplistic and only judging it on the arrangement of words. It's not as if it's impossible to give general guidelines.

Please explain to me why the question isn't perfectly neutral. Haven't we, as a society, learned to accept people for who they are? Asking "Are you gay" is just as innocuous as asking "Do you like the Bears".

Please read my post again and this time don't mentally insert things I didn't say.

Sorry, let me try this again.
"It's nonsense to assume it is perfectly neutral because in the real world it isn't."
Please explain this line to me. I'm afraid I don't understand it.

 

[Raeil]

My opinion is just an opinion, though it is coming from an openly gay guy, so take that for what you will. If you are asking someone "Are you gay?" because you think it would be nice to know, as you state you do in the OP, it's not offensive, but it's not exactly the best way to phrase it. This isn't because it's a bad question, it's because of two major things: 1) Several insecure straight guys will assume you're questioning their "manhood" (even though that is completely ridiculous) and 2) If the guy you're talking to is closeted, you just made his life a living hell. While I was closeted, the idea that someone could have figured out my sexuality constantly made me aware of what I was listening to, how I responded to situations, etc. and if anyone had questioned my sexuality (even as a straightforward question) I would have freaked out.

It might be easier to ask "What do you look for in a relationship?" or "Who are you interested in?" It allows a ton of plausible deniability for the closeted gay guys, and preserves the "masculinity" of the insecure straight guys. Sure it's more unwieldy, but honestly, after the stress I was under by being closeted, I think it's a better question to ask.

 

[TheDarkestDerp]

Depends upon the context and situation you pose the question in.

During an interview, or a study? No.

During dinner with their parents, or right after sex? Probably.

 

[DarkPanda XIII]

It would be offensive to the normal straight guy, though I will admit that it has been, on occasion, hilarious for some of those comic-based scenes, such as Gatts asking Griffith in Berserk, or a random person asking that to the Joker...

 

[Blindswordmaster]

The question, "Are you Gay?" is only offensive if it's bad to answer yes. Let me ask you this, original poster, Is it bad to be gay?

Utterly untrue. It depends on the implications from the one asking the question. If they imply when asking that it's bad, yes that would be offensive. And it depends why they're asking. If they're just stereotyping, yes, that's somewhat offensive.

I disagree, it's a simple binary question. You answer yes or no. We can't count inflection, because that can make anything sound bad, so we're just talking about the question itself. Which is harmless.

We're talking about the real world where inflection exists I assume.

Yes, but you can't judge weather a question is offensive based on someone's inflection when asking it. I can make a blowjob sound bad with the right inflection. You must judge the question based solely on the arrangement of words. I would also like to say that text doesn't really have any inflection.

It's nonsense to assume it is perfectly neutral because in the real world it isn't. So instead of making an inaccurate and useless blanket answer you qualify it.

And even if it was in text, there is the context.

No, if we're not going be reasonable we 'must' try to avoid being overly simplistic and only judging it on the arrangement of words. It's not as if it's impossible to give general guidelines.

Please explain to me why the question isn't perfectly neutral. Haven't we, as a society, learned to accept people for who they are? Asking "Are you gay" is just as innocuous as asking "Do you like the Bears".

Please read my post again and this time don't mentally insert things I didn't say.

Sorry, let me try this again.
"It's nonsense to assume it is perfectly neutral because in the real world it isn't."
Please explain this line to me. I'm afraid I don't understand it.

Let's see... in the post right before we were just talking about inflection. So it would seem pretty obvious that inflection is not going to always be neutral. Maybe it can be. But it's nonsense to just assume it will be. You get an answer that is rather worthless for the real world if you ignore inflection, context, etc.

Right, but the point of this discussion is to determine whether or not the question itself is offensive. In order to reach a reasonable conclusion of the basic nature of the question, we cannot consider inflection, as it is an infinite variable. One can ask a question a million different ways without changing the wording of said question, some will be offensive, others won't, therefore it's impossible to take that into consideration when discussing the question, if we want to reach anything resembling consensus.

 

[Mikodite]

So I've been working on this piece about homosexual relationships and have come across a question many times with no definitive answer:

Is asking someone, "Are you gay?" offensive?

Now, I am referring to their sexual orientation and not at all meant to be an insult. It is merely a personal question about someone that I genuinely want to know without sounding like a jerk.

I believe that it is not offensive because it is question about an individual and not at all an insult. It would be no different if I asked someone if they liked knitting, liked some obscure sport that is not popularized in media, wrote poetry, or had a particular profession. I'm not saying that I'm going to go out and ask everyone I see about their sexual orientation. However, there are many openly gay people in the world and many of us are 'familiar' with certain mannerism and behaviors that it often time places that thought into our heads.

Personally, I would want to know if a girl I'm dating is gay so that I would know where this relationship was going (believe me, it would have saved me some time in past incidents).

So, fellow escapists, share your thoughts and please, let's be civil.

In of itself, no, it isn't.

Though the only times I've been asked that the speaker was implying that I was acting butch (which, I'll admit, I act nerd-butch) and figures I must be a lesbian due to my lack of femininity. So, yeah, I do get a little defensive about it, and its going to ruin it for an actual lesbian who just wants to know if she can pursue a relationship with me.