Letters to Skyrim

[Kavonde]

Dear Skyrim,

Please tell your stablehands not to engage any dragons that fly near your towns. While their courage is admirable, dragonslaying is the sort of thing best left to legendary warriors, groups of soldiers and city guards, and/or the occasional giant.

On a related subject, if you could also instruct your stablehands to stop training their horses to charge headlong into battle against anything that looks remotely hostile, I would be deeply appreciative.

Signed,
A One Thousand Deneir Poorer Adventurer With Sore Feet

 

[The_Echo]

Dear Skyrim,

Your beastman populace is abysmal. I can count the number of Khajiit I've met on two hands, and the number of Argonians on one. Your Mer numbers are up to snuff, and your human population is through the roof. I can't understand why the Nords here continue to proclaim that 'Skyrim belongs to the Nords!' when it's very clear to everyone. I hardly think I've seen an Imperial outside of the Legion, and what the hell is a Breton, anyway?

Sincerely,

One of about four Argonians in the entire province

P.S. Your water appears to have the ability to render me defenseless. How am I to slaughter your slaughterfish with my eyeballs alone? I believe this a matter that needs tending to.

 

[Techsmart07]

Dear Skyrim,
If you value the continued presence of your citizens, please don't make it so fun to test out your ragdoll physics, especially with those master level destruction spells.
P.S. How does an apprentice of destruction magic become archmage of the mage's guild, a higher position than that expert of destruction or the expert of enchanting? I mean, I eventually surpassed them, but I got the position as an apprentice. What the heck?
P.P.S. What day is it? Last I remembered, it was November 11th, but now its 1st of Sun's height, but I think that I got something wrong there...
Respectfully,
Archmage/Legate/Herald/Dovakiin Sarisia

 

[snowpuppy]

Dear Skyrim,
Your All Terrain Horses are fascinating, with the ability to climb sheer mountains with steel clad Redguard attached, I would really like to purchase a breeding stock.
sincerely Myself.

 

[King of the Sandbox]

Dear Skyrim,

Stay awesome.

Love,
Your biggest fan, Dovahkiin.

 

[Jodah]

Dear Skyrim,

I would like to apologize to the follows that were hired to kill me after I stole something. It was not what I did to them, though that too was mildly amusing. What I apologize for is talking to the Greybeards when they decided to ambush me. I suppose it was their own fault, but I am truly sorry for laughing at them as they were shouted to death.

Sincerely, A much amused Dovahkiin.

 

[StormShaun]

Dear Skyrim,

When I was walking by your Whiterun stable, I saw the most weirdest thing, there was a man, but beside the man were two clones that exactly looked like him and had the same name, is this magic or just evil?

Sincerely Shaun Stormuth, Dragonborn, Legate, Arch-Mage, leader of the companions, Head Thief of the thieves guild and leader of the Dark brotherhood, Never mind that last part.

P.S I love your houses, and can we have DLC please.

 

[Pearwood]

Dear Dragons of Skyrim.

Do you not realise I have killed your king? Please stop your pointless attacks, I have long since made the armour your bones and scales are required for and I have no further use for you.

Dovahkiin.

 

[CounterReproductive]

Attn: Sir/ Madam,

May I crave your indulgence to open this business discussion by a formal letter of this sort. It is pertinent that an individual of this magnitude should have commenced properly with a formal meeting of you and us to enable us know ourselves, have a fore knowledge of the nature of the business, discuss and acquaint ourselves with the responsibilities and functions of parties concerned, and appropriate sharesaccordingly. However, for time factor, confidentiality and personality of people involved here in Elswheyr, we choose this approach for the remittance of this Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand, Septim (10.5M ). Please bear with us for making the initial contact through this letter. But my partners are insisting for a meeting in order not to fall into a wrong hand again.

I am Mr. Monet Filcher, we are members of the special committee for Budget and Planning of the Ministry of Magic. This committee is principally concerned with contract appraisal and the approval of the contracts in order of priorities as regards capital projects of the past military government of Elswheyr. With our positions, we have successfully secured for ourselves this sum of Ten Million, Five Hundred Thousand, Septim (10.5M )

This amount was accumulated through undeclared windfall sales of skooma during the Third Era. Hence together with two of our top officials at the Skooma Production Facility, we plan to transfer this amount of money into a secure verseasaccount by awarding a sort of contract from the SPF. To this effect I have been given the mandate by my colleagues to contact you and ask for your assistance.What we need from you is to provide a nice chest into which the funds will be transferred. Everything about me is nice so you've hit the jackpot here.

My colleagues and I have agreed to compensate you or the owner of the chest used for this transaction with 25% of the total amount remitted. We shall have 70% and the remaining 5% reserved for taxes and other miscellaneous expenses in your country.


So if you can prove yourself to be trusted and interested in this deal then we are prepared to do business with you. What we want from you is the assurance that you will let us have our share if this amount (10.5M) is transferred into your account. If this proposal is okay by you, then reply through my dropbox urgently so that we can set the ball rolling and negotiate the modalities involved. Kindly, treat as very important and strictly confidential, I honestly assure you that this transaction is 100% risk-free.

I look forward to your response and expected co-operation and may the Divines bless you.

Regards.

Monet Filcher

 

[Arctic Fox]

Dear Skyrim,

The citizens of your fair country need to be taught that it's not nothing, nor is it their imagination, nor are the just being jumpy when they have an arrow sticking through their body. When their life is in danger, they should know to look a little harder.

Sincerely,
The Argonian right around the corner.

 

[RedDeadFred]

Dear Skyrim,
What did you do with Shadowmere?! One day he just wasn't there and I honestly cried for quite some time. Your reality bending rules randomly ate my horse!
Sincerely, someone who has lost his most powerful ally, best form of transportation, and best friend

 

[Kramcake2516]

Dear Skyrim

I?ve been in your realm for about 60 hours now and am leader of most of your guilds just thought I?d tell you I?m putting them all together to make THE AWSOME GUILD OF MANY!! Also could we get a message around to the guards that picking up a book after I?ve been told I can have it should not warrant a 5 gold fine

Lots of love

Stabby Stabbersome the 2nd
Dragonborn
Legate of the Imperial Realm
Thane of Whiterun,Solitude,Windhelm,Eastmarch,Falkreath,Hjaalmarch,the Pale,Winterhold
Guild master of the companions
Arch mage of Winterhold
Rumoured to be Listener of the Dark Brotherhood and leader of the Thieves Guild
xxxxxx

P.s I have put in a request form for the 5 gold and have not heard anything back I will return the guards head I promise

PPS If you think about it I might as well be High King

 

[Mr Pantomime]

Dear Town Guards

If a Dark Elf in full assassin gear is stalking after someone important with their blades drawn, and you happen to find that person dead 5 minutes later, dont assume theres no connection just because you couldnt see them very well down that dark alley.

A Master Assassin A concerned citizen

 

[Nikolaz72]

Dear Skyrim.

"How come all your steatlhbased followers are either old muscular dunmer females with very deep voices, or burly muscular nord female miners with axes. Or the local woodchopper of Riverwood. It seems with all the competent guilds (I use the term very lightly) full of stealthbased characters who serve you, with at least provide 'one' thief character to help you out. But nope, none at all. Just a miner, a woodchopper. A mage (who cant even cast silent spells) And a dunmer warrior who doesnt have lightarmor anyway so stealth doesnt count for a whole lot. I mean you have several mages, and half a ton of warrior. But only like, three different stealth characters who arent even very stealthy to choose from. Thanks a lot"

- The Crimson Orc

TLDR: Get more stealthy followers who are actually stealthy.

 

[])rStrangelove]

Dear Skyrim,

you really seem to read my mind. There can hardly be any other explanation when everytime i think my character has become really strong to own anything in sight, there's a muscle packed roughneck with a heavy battleaxe waiting around the next corner, hacking me to bits in seconds.

Thx for constantly reminding me to always expect the unexpected.

 

[DazBurger]

-snip

Sincerely,
Sigi

[b]Emperors eyes only[/b] Upon reading, this letter must be destroyed.

Argh dammit! I read the whole thing before getting to this! Sorry!
Should I.. Still burn it?

 

[Voodoomancer]

Dear Skyrim,

On a recent vacation to your fine land I had my trip completely ruined. I was minding my own business burning town a tower when all of a sudden a Dovahkiin (a dragonborn if you do not speak Dragonish) came along, killed me and absorbed my soul. I would appreciate if measures were taken to restrain your Dovahkiins in the future.

Sincerely, Mirmulnir

 

[Muspelheim]

Dear Skyrim,

As wonderfully profitable this venture has been for this professional Tomb-Raider, I would like to ask you to reconsider your traditions of burial. In these dark days, where dragons rule the skies and the sons and daughters of Skyrim foolishly spill their own blood, we must consider what is best for us all, and for our future.

In the light of this dark, cruel age, I'd like to ask you to henceforth refrain entirely from the practice of mummification. The dead of Skyrim simply no longer stay dead for very long. In the light of this, preserving the bodies of the dead and stashing them away, without any supervision beyond wheesy old men who reak of formaldehyde, in deep, underground complexes is a luxury we can no longer afford.
Instead, I propose that you immediatly switch entirely to cremation. Even if the dead might rise again despite that action, small piles of ash shuffling around in their urns will be far less of a threat to the living. Furthermore, you can use all the suddenly vacated barrow-space to store mead, or perhaps repurpose them as housing for the unfortunate.

Even if I have made a good living on these poorly supervised barrows, I can still see a problem where there is one. Cremate your dead, and you won't have to count on people like me venturing inside to do it for you.

Sincerely yours, Rajh'khan, a well-meaning mage.

Post Scriptum: You should also create a specialized spider-slaying pestcontrol force with all due haste! It's only a matter of time until they grow malevolent and plentyful enough to come swarming over your walls and devour us all alive.

 

[Arctic Fox]

Dear Skyrim,

Why is there always a large, hard to scale, mountain between me and my next location that I can't fast travel too? It may be a good idea to invest in some tunnels.

- An adventurer with vertigo