MetroidNutQuest 2012

[MetroidNut]

>Knight Templar: Arrive holding the HOLY GRAIL. Taunt MN with the promise of the chalice's healing prowess.

You are now the KNIGHT TEMPLAR. Between the fact that you are in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE and the fact that it is REALLY FUCKING DARK, you aren't even sure that you're standing up. You have not located the HOLY GRAIL, but you're working on it! Even if you had it, of course, you don't know who this "MN" guy is. Is he a MUSLIM, or even better, a MUSLIM BABY? Because you haven't done enough KILLING AND/OR PILLAGING lately.

EDIT: hopy shit guys i like totes said "You are know the KNIGHT TEMPLAR", which is totes a rly stupid mist8k so i fixed it guys

its oaky

*okya

 

[CJ1145]

>KT: Spot Muslim and attack it.

>Muslim: Be Muhammad Ali.

>MN: Escape your pain in the land of fluffdreams.

 

[Robert632]

>MN:Stay down and pretend to be dead.

 

[Zorak the Mantis]

>MN: Suddenly you realize that you have your Life Alert pendent around your neck. Using your superior hacking skills you manage to change the automated message from "Help I've fallen and I can't get up!" to "Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, I've been shot!" Press the button and hope Old Ben gets your message in time...

 

[Pappytech]

>KT: Launch a Holy War against the Illuminati/Assassins/Dirk Pace's family.

 

[CJ1145]

>KT: Launch a Holy War against the Illuminati/Assassins/Dirk Pace's family.

That poor templar.

 

[MetroidNut]

>MN: Suddenly you realize that you have your Life Alert pendent around your neck. Using your superior hacking skills you manage to change the automated message from "Help I've fallen and I can't get up!" to "Help me Obi-wan Kenobi, I've been shot!" Press the button and hope Old Ben gets your message in time...

That is ridiculous! Obi-Wan Kenobi is a fictional Asari from the planet Vulcan, and his ship - the Serenity - is too slow to reach you in time!

You feel a great disturbance in your mind, as if all the nerdiness within you suddenly cried out in terror and was suddenly silenced.

You suspect blood loss may be affecting your ability to think.

 

[MetroidNut]

>MN: Escape your pain in the land of fluffdreams.

Though you're still under the effects of a CHERRY COKE, you're going to need a some more DRUGS if you want to go to the LAND OF FLUFFDREAMS!

 

[MetroidNut]

>KT: Remove your helmet. Show us your true identity.

You never take off your HELMET, because you can't let any lurking MUSLIMS learn your identity.

You've heard stories. You know, of what they'd do to KNIGHTS they could identify. They've got INFILTRATORS all across EUROPE; if they found who you were, and you didn't have a FAMILY, they'd send one to burn your HOUSE, raze your FIELDS, and massacre any PEASANTS under your protection. If you did have a FAMILY? They'd mount their heads on pikes, then stick them in the smoldering ruins of all your worldly possessions.

"War. War never changes." - The legendary diplomat, Pope Urban II

 

[MetroidNut]

>KT: Launch a Holy War against the Illuminati/Assassins/Dirk Pace's family.

Well...don't get the wrong idea! You're a huge fan of HOLY WARS! It's just, you know, you're a little concerned that starting between one and three new ones might distract from the current, more pressing HOLY WAR against all things NON-CHRISTIAN. But you would've already known that...is this mysterious suggestion implying, then, that the ILLUMINATI/ASSASSINS/DIRK PACE'S FAMILY are MUSLIMS? Because if so you are totally down with getting your murder on.

 

[Pappytech]

>MN: Don't be dead.

 

[CJ1145]

>Dirk's Sister: Beat the KT six ways to Sunday with your copy of the Qur'an.

>Magical Drug Dealer Chet Penceworth: Offer your substantial stash to MN.

 

[MetroidNut]

>MN: Crawl to nearest payphone, call the only friend you've ever known.

You sincerely doubt there's a PAYPHONE within a 1-mile radius of DIRK'S HOUSE! This is the TWENTY-FIRST CENTURY, everyone uses CELL PHONES! Except you, because your CELL PHONE BATTERY is dead, as usual. You could always try to communicate over your COMPUTER, as is the norm, but your COMPUTER is pretty far away to crawl to.

And even then, you'll have to find some way to avoid the POLICE! Not to mention that, more importantly, you need to do something about the gaping hole in your TORSO before you BLEED OUT!

But...you're just so very TIRED. The PAIN of the GUNSHOT, the HOPELESSNESS of ESCAPE...you want nothing more than to take a nice, long NAP, and think of a solution afterwards.

 

[MetroidNut]

>Dirk's Sister: Beat the KT six ways to Sunday with your copy of the Qur'an.

DIRK'S SISTER would like to point out that she doesn't take orders from you! But even if she did, she sure as hell doesn't see any KNIGHT TEMPLARS running around!

You resume being the KNIGHT TEMPLAR. Honestly, you're starting to grow a bit RESTLESS here; it's been too long since your last PILLAGING! Your URGE TO CLAIM LAND FOR KING AND COUNTRY is rising rapidly!

 

[Pappytech]

>KT: Use your TELEGRAPH INTERCEPTOR to overhear a NOT-MUSLIM boy call the POLICE for help. Decide to go PILLAGE the boy's house, and CLAIM HIS LAND FOR KING AND COUNTRY.

 

[Robert632]

>MNig a hole and hide yourself in it.

 

[CJ1145]

MN: Call out to your childhood idol Billy Joel.

 

[MetroidNut]

>MN: Use your dream telepathy to contact the only true friend you've ever had.

You embrace oblivion, grasping hazily for the arcane power of telepathy. You slowly release the locks on the darkest, innermost portions of your mind. You allow the universe to flow into them, to fill your psyche with indecipherable knowledge, incomprehensible truths, one-word answers for questions far beyond human comprehension.

...

This is stupid. You aren't going to be able to contact FREDDIE MERCURY in this manner!

 

[MetroidNut]

>KT: Use your TELEGRAPH INTERCEPTOR to overhear a NOT-MUSLIM boy call the POLICE for help. Decide to go PILLAGE the boy's house, and CLAIM HIS LAND FOR KING AND COUNTRY.

You're fairly certain TELEGRAPH INTERCEPTORS won't be invented for many centuries! Certainly not until TELEGRAPHS are invented. Perhaps you meant to use your RUNNER INTERCEPTOR?

Either way, you don't see any NOT-MUSLIM boy, aren't sure what country these "POLICE" are from, and can't find any HOUSES worth PILLAGING! Besides, you've got some perfectly good LAND right here to CLAIM FOR KING AND COUNTRY!

 

[MetroidNut]

>MNig a hole and hide yourself in it.

You begin shifting your WEIGHT back and forth in an attempt to gradually dislodge the DIRT beneath you. This sure would be easier if you had ARMS!