Poll: Choices: Friend or Lover

[Ryu-Kage]

My little sister had a friend who went through this kind of thing. (For the sake of simplicity, I'll refer to my sister as "Tina" and her friend as "Josh", but these aren't their real names or anywhere close. The names in this story have been changed to protect their identities) Tina and Josh went down to Alabama for a couple of weeks to meet Irene, a friend that Tina talked to on Skype, and hang out. While they were down there, Josh met a boy named Harry, and they fell for each other. Back here, Josh was having some family issues, particularly with his mother. Seemingly because of the issues, Josh decided to move to Alabama and live with Harry. For his senior year of high school. (Okay, he was actually living with Irene's family.) Not too long after, however, things went South (literally). Someone in Harry's family found Harry and Josh making out, and even though they knew the deal, they didn't take kindly to the display of gay affection. Feeling unwelcome, Josh returned here a few months later to live with his dad. ...and us a few times.

What Josh did was, at least in our eyes, incredibly reckless and pretty damn stupid, frankly. Most people around the house (including Tina's dad) thought less of him for these stupid decisions, and he seemed much more annoying to everyone, too. I think Tina still hangs out with Josh sometimes, but he doesn't come over here anywhere near as often as he used to.

Take this for what you will. This wasn't my story, so I wouldn't know how to handle this.

 

[intheweeds]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

Wow! If that's the case, then I say even harder: stay home and plan visits! If you can visit him for far less than the cost of a video game, then this stops seeming so 'long-distance' to me and I fail to see the issue. Damn, it costs me more to take the train to see my mom and she lives in the same province as me!

The point is not the cost. The problem is the fact that I do not want a long distance relationship. I do not want to have to plans visits every now and then. I want to be able to be around the corner and casually ask "hey, wanna hang around today?". I want to be able to let it grow naturally. Having to plan grandious meeting is the opposite of what I want.

If visiting is so cheap, it doesn't have to be a grandiose affair. Spend weekends together or something. An $800 plane ticket is a grandiose affair, this is nothing. You could 'live' together on weekends and before you know it, you would know whether this is a good idea or not.

It wouldn't even really be long distance. Long distance to me is nightly skype sessions and very expensive phone calls - because seeing each other in person is impossible. If a visit is so cheaply possible, it doesn't have to be long distance. My g/f lives in another part of the same city I live in and it takes about an hour on the streetcar. If she lived in Montreal, the plane ride would also be an hour. That's a *****, but ease of travel really changes things. Sure, you can't say 'lets hang around today' but you could say 'i want to see you this weekend'. My g/f is a 40 minute drive away working over the summer, so we can't see each other as much during the week as i would like either, but it's really nothing in the end.

Never mind the fact that honestly, it sounds like your friend is very honest with his/her feelings and speaks to you with love and respect. That type of true friend really is hard to come by. If you can have your cake and eat it too - and i think in this situation you can, then you definitely should.

 

[holy_secret]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

Wow! If that's the case, then I say even harder: stay home and plan visits! If you can visit him for far less than the cost of a video game, then this stops seeming so 'long-distance' to me and I fail to see the issue. Damn, it costs me more to take the train to see my mom and she lives in the same province as me!

The point is not the cost. The problem is the fact that I do not want a long distance relationship. I do not want to have to plans visits every now and then. I want to be able to be around the corner and casually ask "hey, wanna hang around today?". I want to be able to let it grow naturally. Having to plan grandious meeting is the opposite of what I want.

If visiting is so cheap, it doesn't have to be a grandiose affair. Spend weekends together or something. An $800 plane ticket is a grandiose affair, this is nothing. You could 'live' together on weekends and before you know it, you would know whether this is a good idea or not.

It wouldn't even really be long distance. Long distance to me is nightly skype sessions and very expensive phone calls - because seeing each other in person is impossible. If a visit is so cheaply possible, it doesn't have to be long distance. My g/f lives in another part of the same city I live in and it takes about an hour on the streetcar. If she lived in Montreal, the plane ride would also be an hour. That's a *****, but ease of travel really changes things. Sure, you can't say 'lets hang around today' but you could say 'i want to see you this weekend'. My g/f is a 40 minute drive away working over the summer, so we can't see each other as much during the week as i would like either, but it's really nothing in the end.

Never mind the fact that honestly, it sounds like your friend is very honest with his/her feelings and speaks to you with love and respect. That type of true friend really is hard to come by. If you can have your cake and eat it too - and i think in this situation you can, then you definitely should.

Your points are valid. I will have them in mind. Thank you for your thoughts.

As for the friend part. It is funny how some people see him as an ass and others see the good in being honest, caring, and being flawed.
You know. Human

 

[intheweeds]

Stick with visits and stay where you are for the time being. You can never know how long this relationship will last, you haven't known this person anywhere near long enough to make that kind of move. It will suck, I've been in a long distance relationship for a while and although we are together now, it sucked while it was going on. When/if the move becomes worth it, you won't be asking this question anymore.

Visit France every once in a while and have him visit Sweden. I don't know how the EU works, but it might be very very hard to make it a forever thing anyway. My sister is married to a guy out of the country and has been for two years now. They still can't get him into Canada legally yet. They live in Adu Dhabi for now because it's one of the only places they can both be legally(fortunately my Sister is a teacher and English teachers are needed all over the world. He has managed a work visa for her time there teaching). I've only ever seen pictures of him and talked on the phone. It's really awful and difficult. From a family perspective - my sister hasn't been anywhere near her home area except for short visits in a few years. Relationships are hard enough when conditions are ideal. This kind of stress is huge.

Get to know him for at least a year before uprooting your whole life.

Moving around within the European Union is as easy as moving to a neighboring city in Sweden. No need for getting permission and shit.

And Ryanair revolutionized traveling. I flew there for 15? from Sweden. It is ridiculously cheap.

Wow! If that's the case, then I say even harder: stay home and plan visits! If you can visit him for far less than the cost of a video game, then this stops seeming so 'long-distance' to me and I fail to see the issue. Damn, it costs me more to take the train to see my mom and she lives in the same province as me!

The point is not the cost. The problem is the fact that I do not want a long distance relationship. I do not want to have to plans visits every now and then. I want to be able to be around the corner and casually ask "hey, wanna hang around today?". I want to be able to let it grow naturally. Having to plan grandious meeting is the opposite of what I want.

If visiting is so cheap, it doesn't have to be a grandiose affair. Spend weekends together or something. An $800 plane ticket is a grandiose affair, this is nothing. You could 'live' together on weekends and before you know it, you would know whether this is a good idea or not.

It wouldn't even really be long distance. Long distance to me is nightly skype sessions and very expensive phone calls - because seeing each other in person is impossible. If a visit is so cheaply possible, it doesn't have to be long distance. My g/f lives in another part of the same city I live in and it takes about an hour on the streetcar. If she lived in Montreal, the plane ride would also be an hour. That's a *****, but ease of travel really changes things. Sure, you can't say 'lets hang around today' but you could say 'i want to see you this weekend'. My g/f is a 40 minute drive away working over the summer, so we can't see each other as much during the week as i would like either, but it's really nothing in the end.

Never mind the fact that honestly, it sounds like your friend is very honest with his/her feelings and speaks to you with love and respect. That type of true friend really is hard to come by. If you can have your cake and eat it too - and i think in this situation you can, then you definitely should.

Your points are valid. I will have them in mind. Thank you for your thoughts.

As for the friend part. It is funny how some people see him as an ass and others see the good in being honest, caring, and being flawed.
You know. Human

Haha so true about humans! I prefer emotional honesty in my friends. If that is how that person feels i want to know for better or worse. Better he/she tells me how they feel now rather than me think everything is fine and come back, friend is gone, no explanation. I become hurt then.

I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Danzaivar]

your friend wants to bang you fyi

 

[Thundero13]

I was gonna say to stay with your friend until I realised that you're gay, this shouldn't change things, but it does, go visit France for a while, you'll still be friends with the guy, just not best friends, and things change anyway

 

[Rawne1980]

"If you want to move, I will not stop you. It is your life and I want you to do your things. But I am going to be honest with you and say that if you do move, our friendship will change. If things do not work out and you decide to come back, things will not be the same. I don't want to put any pressure on you or to lie to you. I will try my best, but I can't promise we can return to where we were. The thought of losing you is already making me wanting to create a distance in order to be able to survive not having you around."

Nobody else spot the blatant guilt trip in this letter?

For christs sake this fella claims to be a friend but denies you the right to follow your heart.

Who the hell needs enemies when there are friends like this.

That was one of my friends i'd have found one more person I wouldn't be speaking to. Really dislike folks that try and guilt trip other people.

Go for the love, you only live once and who knows what could happen. Life is fun if you take chances and you are always going to have that "what if" feeling if you don't.

 

[Mastodonic]

Im removing my response because i have no idea what is going on here.

 

[Ham_authority95]

I was away on a eurotrip for two months. During the last parts of it, I decided to stay in Paris for the whole month of August.
On the forth day, I met someone. We instantly connected and fell in love immediately.

As time went on, we started to see where this was going. There was a huge obstacle in the way though; I live in Sweden, and he in France.

To make things short, I want to move there in order to give this a shot. A real one. I am not too keen on having a long distance relationship, so that is not an option.

I talked to my closest friend in Sweden about this. After explaining everything, I asked him if it was okay for him that I moved away.

"If you want to move, I will not stop you. It is your life and I want you to do your things. But I am going to be honest with you and say that if you do move, our friendship will change. If things do not work out and you decide to come back, things will not be the same. I don't want to put any pressure on you or to lie to you. I will try my best, but I can't promise we can return to where we were. The thought of losing you is already making me wanting to create a distance in order to be able to survive not having you around."

So I have a choice. An extremly hard one. It is not a choice I have to make yet, but it will show up eventually.
I truly don't know what to do with this. Should I take the shot? Should I move away? Or should I simply stay in Sweden and keep my closest friend? Am I a bad person for even considering abandoning my family in order to be with someone I just met?

I need some input. I need a brainstorm. I would talk to him about this, but he is really not taking this well. If you have any honest opinions, cruel or friendly, I am willing to hear them.

So what will it be? Relationship or Friendship? What is more important in the long run?
EDIT: I feel like I need to specify this. I am not saying that I will move to France forever just for his sake. What I am actually considering is to go France for a short time to see if we are compatible or not. If things still work, we can start making plans for the future. Both he and I are aware of the retardedness that would be.
As of now, he doesn't want me to do anything impulsive or stupid, such as moving to France for him. The last thing he wants is to know that I've sacrificed things for him and that it could be all in vain. He's also scared shit of hurting me. This is his biggest concern.
So no, I would not move there. Not yet anyways.
This is about the test time to give us a real and normal try. To get to know each other. I do not want to do this over the internet.
Thanks

I would say go ahead and do it. You have internet, you can message him whenever. And like you said, it's only for a short time to see if you're compatible. If things don't work out, you can just go back.

And honestly, it sounds like your friend is a bit too dependent upon your presence. At least, that's what I've gotten the impression of from your post.

I may be biased because I have a girlfriend who lives in Denmark and I live in the Western US, but things can work out, definitely. Just be glad that you live in Europe where public transport is rather good.

Or, you could just plan visits to this girl and split your time between Sweden and France. No need for a huge commitment to one person.

 

[SilentCom]

Wow this is like one of those moral dilemna choices you're forced to make in video games. I don't really have any experience with something like this in real life so the choice is yours to make.

The question is which do you value more, and are you willing to take that step toward change?

 

[SmilingWorlock]

A friend of mine did that and went to Sweden actually. Their relationship lasted two month, then all the mystery was gone and the broke up. Now she's all alone in Sweden and has to finish her studies before she comes back, otherwise it would be a waste of money she couldn't afford. don't to it.

 

[delvin313]

I know you've had a lot of responses already, but I thought you might appreciate hearing from someone who was in a very similar situation and acted on it.

Like you, I met someone in another country and we fell instantly in love. I still don't know how it happened, but I know with absolute certainty that it was special right from the start. We took the route of a long distance relationship (there are some 6000 miles between us) and have been talking to one another for more than a year (I realize your goal is to be together and not do the long distance thing). We have visited each other 5 times so far. Next month, we will be married. Taking this risk is one of the best decisions I have ever made and, as hard as it is to be apart, I have no regrets.

My two cents: for true love, you have to take risks. That means you could find your future mate, or you could be hurt. That's the nature of risk taking. If you leave this to chance, you will always wonder what might have been. If you go to france, you will have your answer, good or bad. On a side note, why is your friend threatening to break up the friendship? Does he have feelings for you beyond friendship? A true friend would encourage you to seek out happiness.

 

[holy_secret]

I was gonna say to stay with your friend until I realised that you're gay, this shouldn't change things, but it does, go visit France for a while, you'll still be friends with the guy, just not best friends, and things change anyway

Wait what? How does this change things exactly? The point is not my sexuality. The point is the choices.

So if it would've been a girl I'd met in France, it would be different too?
I am just curious to how you reason at this.
I'm bisexual btw. Stop calling me gay. I am not that awesome!

 

[JasonKaotic]

I'd personally say stay with your friend. I know from personal experience that having a relationship getting between you and your best friend is really, really horrible.

But it's up to you.

 

[Electric Alpaca]

My own opinion, I say go.

If what is on the cards is for you to go; fail, and return destroyed it is better than the alternative of sitting on your hands and your thoughts becoming your worst enemy punishing you for the missed opportunity.

However, the other option is that it works out completely and you've found your life partner.

The fact that you're considering doing it means it is a desirable avenue for you to pursue.

Or, use a technique I employ when I literally can't decide something. Flip a coin. Sounds crazy, but I have made some pretty big choices on heads or tails, and I embrace them always - my mantra being 'Everything happens for a reason'. Whether you flip heads and go or tails and stay, it will be for a reason that will present itself to you in its own time.

 

[drisky]

Do a long distance relationship for a short term. You can find out some compatibility over Skype. As long as you don't make a long distance relationship a long term plan, it can work. I had a friend that moved here to New England form Alabama to be with his girl friend after having a long term relationship and it worked out great for him. Of course he didn't like Alabama in the first place so moving was easy. Don't move on impulse, you have to be ready for it, and you'll now if you are if you put time in finding out if he's worth it.

 

[Generic_Username]

I love how every other poster here gets at least ONE person's gender wrong.

You'll find more guys and girls anyway, plus, you've only known this guy for a little while, and you've known your friend for who knows how long (I might have missed that if you mentioned it).
I say stick with friendship. Moving to France on a whim is just too rash.

 

[Rin Little]

I wouldn't recommend moving to France, for as awesome as this guy sounds you never know what it's really going to be like. And here's a better question that only you can answer, are you willing to give up what seems like an amazing friendship for a relationship that probably won't last? Honestly, I've been in this situation before, I have a really close friend who I wouldn't give up for anyone or anything, and I've had to make that sacrifice before and I don't regret it. But again, you have to figure it out for yourself in the end.

 

[That One Six]

Tat is a tough choice. It really boils down to deciding if the risk of moving and attempting a relationship with this guy is going to pay off. If it is, and you genuinely think he will be "The One," I'm all for it. But losing a close friend is a high price to pay. I wouldn't suggest moving unless you're fairly confident that he would work for a long time. Also, why not have him move to live with you, if it's any more practical?