Poll: Do you believe the Friend Zone exists?

[small]

*googles* ah so its internet speak for unrequited love in other words. you wacky kids and your made up terms

 

[CommanderL]

yes it exists when you want to be more then friends and they want to stay friends and thats literally all it is

 

[Johnny Novgorod]

Is it possible one person may never reciprocate their friend's romantic advances? Sure. Call it whatever the fuck you want.

 

[Guitarmasterx7]

Yes, though I think people have their causes and effects backwards with the friendzone.

If you're fun to be around, they want to be friends because they don't want a romantic relationship with you. They don't not want a romantic relationship with you because you're friends. It's possible to like someone of the opposite sex non-romantically. That said, the "friendzone" happens a lot because as human beings we're kind of designed by nature to be attracted to each other. If there's chemistry (as there is in friendship) there's a pretty good chance that at least one of the people is going to develop romantic feelings as long as the other has any somewhat attractive qualities to them. That doesn't work if the other person has romantic preferences or preexisting romantic attachments outside of that person (which is an equally likely scenario.)

The solution is unfortunately to either get over it or put distance between themselves and the other person until those feelings go away, which may very well be never. It's an understandably frustrating scenario but some people lack the maturity to admit that their feelings are their own responsibility and lash out at the other person.

Also this

I have a theory about it; it's TV and Hollywood's fault.

Men are now taught that if you want to be the perfect boyfriend, all you need to do is be her friend. Doesn't matter if she rejects you, doesn't matter if she has a boyfriend, doesn't matter if she says no. Look at any and every Rom-Com or Romantic movie. He hangs around, he keeps helping her, he keeps being nice. It starts from Disney and works all the way through to the Hunger Games or Twilight.

Yeah, romance in media tends to be super unrealistic. A lot of love songs are also super fucking creepy if you stop and think about them. I don't know if I'd go as far to say they create the problem. It might be that they provide catharsis for it since it's such a common thing that happens.

I will say this though: romance doesn't equate to love and I think a lot of people, men and women, don't realize that. Romance movies probably teach people about relationships as much as action movies teach people about conflict resolution. The only difference is the way people behave in romance movies is realistically doable, so certain people with that misconception will either try to do that or expect it.

 

[jamail77]

The fact that so many people responded in such a way that they agree it's a real thing, but believe the entitled attitude about it is not a legit thing just goes to show that this poll should have had more complicated options than "Yes" or "No". I mean, the poll response ratio would suggest most of us think it's a real thing, but the most common definition of the friend zone involves the entitled thing most of us seem to disagree with in the actual posts. I don't think it accurately reflects our attitudes. OP, you're probably going to have to deal with a nitpicky person soon who honestly believes that many people believe in the entitled aspect and get really angry that we confirm "Gamers are awful people" stereotypes because they don't realize how limited the poll options are. Just a heads up.

Relevant XKCD comic:

 

[maxben]

I actually haven't come across it, so I picked no. Theoretically I get it, but most straight male/straight female friendships, if it is a very close friendship, that I've seen or been in can be "upgraded" given time. My parents were best friend, my best friend has had relationships with at least three girls he was good friends with, and I similarly have an experience with about three girls that I was close friends with for between a year and 5 years. I think that most of the time when it fails is that people assume that their friendship means that they don't need to do any work for it. No, being a nice friend will not lead to a relationship. The shift from one relationship to the other can take months if not years and requires a shift in tone, you don't just drop "will you date me?" without an increase in sexual tension.

 

[Kopikatsu]

I honestly do not understand why everyone insists that the 'nice guys' are only looking to get sex. Why is sex the ultimate goal of a relationship? Why not companionship? Why not just want to have someone who you care about actually give a shit about you? The worst feeling in the world is to have something horrifically shitty or amazing great happen to you, then pick up the phone only to realize you have nobody to share it with. That you're alone in a way that a casual friendship can't help.

I've had girls say things like 'All the guys I've gone out with are such jerks! I wish I could find someone that was more like you.' 'Well... you know, I'm single.' The response has pretty much always been 'Ew' or 'Yeah, well... I said /like/ you, not you.' Apparently I lack confidence, which is the only thing most women care about, I guess?

It's kind of funny because the way I met my current (and only) girlfriend was thus: She walked up to me on the street outside of a shopping mall and asked 'You wanna fuck?' I told her no. Her response was 'That's okay, I can wait.' and then she grabbed me by the collar and literally dragged me into the mall for a date. And somehow that led to a fulfilling (but still platonic after month and a half) relationship. Somehow.

 

[Phasmal]

No, I believe in the fact that some feelings are unrequited, but I don't believe people have a `friend zone` they put people in.

I think people believing in it is a kind of harmful view towards how other people actually work. Being friends does not mean you might not become something else later, and when you ask someone out and they still want to be friends, you're generally not being `put` anywhere, you're just being turned down.
Also, who needs someone who acts like being friends with someone is so terrible?

I honestly do not understand why everyone insists that the 'nice guys' are only looking to get sex. Why is sex the ultimate goal of a relationship? Why not companionship? Why not just want to have someone who you care about actually give a shit about you? The worst feeling in the world is to have something horrifically shitty or amazing great happen to you, then pick up the phone only to realize you have nobody to share it with. That you're alone in a way that a casual friendship can't help.

I honestly don't understand why some people insist that if the guy is looking for a relationship, that's somehow `better` than if he wanted sex. Take it from someone who apparently `friend-zoned` someone who was telling everyone (including my parents) that he wanted to marry me. It does not make the entitled weirdness any less entitled or weird.

There are ways to take rejection with dignity and grace and I find that GENERALLY people who whine about friendzoning are not doing any of them.

 

[mecegirl]

There's a time limit on creating female attraction, and what happens when it runs out is commonly called the friendzone by guys who don't know how to get a woman to be attracted to them. If you get game then the concept becomes meaningless, it's fundamentally a beta male concept.

This idea is part of the reason why I say that the friendzone doesn't exist. There is no concrete time range. You can't bypass rejection, or increase your odds for acceptance, just by asking right a way. In some cases a woman will know immediately, in others feelings may develop or change. Just like how a guy will either know immediately if he wants to ask someone out, or how his feelings may change once he gets to know someone. But usually you know if you are interested in someone romantically the first time you meet them because the first time you meet them you will decide if they are attractive or not. In most cases romantic feeling will develop over time, not disinterest. And on occasion someone who you think is cute can become less attractive because you discover that they have a shitty attitude.

But there is no switch that turns off in a woman's brain if a guy who is friendly to her doesn't immediately ask. And there is no way to create "female attraction". She either thinks a dude is cute and starts to wait for said dude to ask her out because gender roles. Or she thinks that the dude has enough similar interests to be friends with.

 

[Smooth Operator]

EDIT: I forgot to clarify, my post is related to reality and not the internet fantasy Friend Zone which appear to be anything between a demonic ritual, slavery, forced coercion, extra dimensional plane, jail house, or possibly a children's playground. I wonder how long before there are stories of tentacle grape going on in here.

It is quite common for people who never had an affliction to claim it's not problematic or possibly doesn't exist, they would be singing a different tune however if they had first hand experience.

So what makes friend zones problematic is rejection limbo, normally when the person of your desires turns you down that is it, all prospects die right there and then, the thorn has been ripped from your paw and while severely painful the healing process can begin.
A friend turning you down however is messy, they will meander around and not give you a straight answer, even if they do that friendship is still a very personal relationship so there is no clear cut off point. Which leaves things very confused and I can't even tell you how many times people have come talk to me with "But we get along so well as friends, why couldn't this work?". That is the eternal crux of the issue, as long as you maintain a close relationship with someone they will not give up hope, which will make the problem 10x worse in the long run.

"Oh but why can't they be reasonable about this and let it go?" because emotion ************, emotion trumps reason every single time and there is nothing that gets you more emotional then infatuation.

 

[Entitled]

Its curious cause some say its a real thing while others think its a stupid nonexistent concept.

Most social concepts are not self-evidently existent, they are the arbitrary labeling of something where we agree about the observeable objective reality, we just don't agree about what narrative to use to label it.

It's not like arguing about whether or not Pluto exists, more like arguing about whether or not Pluto is a planet.

It's not like one side claims that girls often want to be "just friends", while others claim that this is based on false data and no one ever said that. We are all talking about the same series of events, and only disagree about the narrative.

It's he same as with the "patriarchy", that is often referenced as a conspiracy theory by one debate side, and as a self-evident fact of society by the other, while they don't really disagree about any data. It's not like the former side claims that 15th century frenchwomen could in fact own property and contrary documents are forged, or that the other insists that modern American women aren't allowed to freely marry and divorce. It's just a matter of which worldview you want to paint the observeable society with.

 

[AwesomeHatMan]

The thing when it comes to these conversations is that people's definitions for things differ and everyone is adamant that their definition is the correct.

I define being in the friendzone as: "The position for Person A, if Person A wants to be in a romantic relationship with Person B, who does not feel the same way due to previous development of a non-romantic relationship between the two AND if Person B met Person A for the first time, while Person B is in the same current situation, would consider having a romantic relationship with Person A."

(Feel free to quote that for your definition)

Note: The "I wish I could find someone that was like you" and "But that would be like dating my [sibling]" by Person B are the classic lines. If Person B thinks Person A is a dick or straight-up unattractive, that does not fit my definition. If Person A is wanting a primarily sexual relationship, that does not fit my definition.

As previously stated, I am adamant this this definition is the sole "correct" one. You may say that's not the case but that'll get us nowhere. Do I believe this situation occurs? Yes. Do I believe that 99% of people claiming to be in this situation actually are? No.

Also on a slightly related note, damn I love this song:

Spoiler: The Love You Save (The Jacksons)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rlMLf6SgVuU

 

[Kathinka]

i dunno. i don't think so. i think the whole concept was invented by rejected guys who can't deal with the fact that they aren't attractive to a girl or girls they want. sorry, but no amount of being nice or doing good things entitle you to be attractive for a girl. sure there are some girls that will abuse the affection of guys for personal gain. but the whole concept is just stupid, and reason why guys that usually whine about the friend zone aren't attractive in the first place. if you want to be attractive and desirable for her, show her that you will NOT do anything for her. girls don't want pushovers, we want independent guys with so much to offer, we are NOT his only shot at happiness.

 

[default]

No. Either someone has the potential to be attracted to you romantically or they don't, and there is very little you can do about it. It's not like someone decides 'I really want to be with this person, but I think they would just be better as a friend'. It just doesn't work. The friendzone is a bit of a silly fantasy told by people who don't want to accept that someone they like just isn't attracted to them.


But I don't know, reading some of the other posts here it seems the definition is a little hazy. Lots seem to be saying that 'friend-zoning' someone is just turning down the offer of a relationship after becoming friends, which is just normal rejection honestly. I was under the assumption that it means someone putting you in a 'no-romance-zone' because you're just suuuuch a good friend and they don't want to spoil it.

 

[dragonswarrior]

You wanna know something funny? From personal experience, I know it exists. However, I don't think it's NEARLY as endemic as everyone else thinks, nor is the "friend zone" something inherently evil.

I mean, shit. If they just want to be friends then they just want to be friends. Ain't no kinda "Zone" about it.

I think where that term could apply is in cases like mine. In high school, I had a best friend whom I had a crush on. Thing is... she had a crush on me too. And admitted it to everyone except me. And told everyone except me that she would like to marry me some day. And despite the fact that she knew I liked her, and she liked me, she insisted we stay just friends and she would always date and chase other folk and quite honestly leave me hanging.

Now, of course, all of this was because she was a horrible person (not that what I said above makes her a horrible person, it's an example of it. ... You had to be there, some of the awfulness is lost in translation), and eventually I realized that and terminated our friendship. Still, that sort of manipulative behavior is rather crass, and quite frankly not okay. And I can see the "friend zone" term being applied sincerely and un-ironically to it.

Now, actually, the term itself probably needs to die fo' real fo' real. Given that it's usually used (or at least associated with) young males who think they are "nice" and look down on their female friends who don't want to jump their bones. And given that this sort of misguided frustration has begun to be expressed via massacres... *sighs*

EDIT: Also, 400th post. Yay.

 

[manic_depressive13]

Originally the "friend zone" was where you are supposedly put if you are nice to a girl. She will want to keep you as a friend because of how nice you are, to use you for emotional and financial support, and won't see you as a potential romantic partner. Being nice is a Beta trait, but girls want to date Alpha Males. It's based on the notion that Girls Only Date Jerks, and by being Nice you are jeopardising your chances of a relationship. This is obviously stupid and untrue.

There are some people who just use "friend zone" to describe when someone is happy to be friends with you, but doesn't want to date you for various reasons, not necessarily related to how Nice you are. Obviously this is something that happens, but I believe applying "friend zone" to these situations is misusing the term. If this is what you mean I recommend simply changing your language to avoid confusion. Why say "I got friend zoned" when you can say "They weren't interested" and sound about 20 times less like a child.

 

[jklinders]

It's really lovely to see some of the judgmental posts here. Sure I understand that a lot of guys cam=n be super prickish about not getting what they want from a relationship but to say that friendzone is a construct purely of fedora wearing losers who view women as vending machines for sex (insert kindness, receive sex) is hardly a constructive way to approach it.

I was "friendzoned" for a couple of years. Childhood crush that did not go away until I was in my 20s. When I finally understood that I was committing an act of self harm by not moving on, I got over it. But it was never "her fault" for not seeing me in a romantic light. I was just in an emotional place where i could not see myself with someone else, but the one I could see myself with did not want me that way.

Then again, back then as now, I saw the "friendzone" as being a construct of my own making and did not pass blame to the other. If you are in that spot and blame the other for your situation, that is genuinely creepy as you are trying to force something that can't happen and are blaming the other for it.

I do disapprove of the broad brush strokes that people, (mostly guys) in that spot are painted with having been there, but it is a real thing, but only creepy IMHO if the person holding the crush insists that they somehow "deserve" the reciprocity.

 

[Sarge034]

I guess it depends on your definition of "Friend Zone"

As err stated, is it possible that someone wants to take a friendship to the next level while the other person says no means no? Yes.

Does the Friend Zone exist in the way that the internet seems to define it as (which seems to be that he/she owes you because you were so nice to him/her and now that they say no means no, they're a horrible friend zoning prick)? Dear God no.

I find that people who ***** about the Friend Zone are people who go into a friendship meaning to spark it into romance and when shockingly that fails, they resent the person because of it. That's not getting Friend Zoned; at best that's them not liking you in that way and at worst, you're the asshole for going into the situation with the goal of touching someone else's fun bits while putting on the face that you just want to be friends...

This is a rather good definition. However, I did have a different type of friend zone occur. I had a friend tell me she wanted to find a guy like me, but not me because she didn't want to ruin such a good friendship. Well you know what *****? I'm a guy like me, if you like me go out with me. If not, then just be friends.

I voted "yes" by the way.