Poll: Do you believe the Friend Zone exists?

[Ihateregistering1]

SNIP

Utterly perfect response, my hat is off to you (and no, it's not a fedora).

The Lady Doth Snip Too Much

Only a Snip Deals in Absolutes

That's my point; the correct thing to do is to get over it, but men are told to both "Man up" but also "Don't give up"; "Get over her" but "Quitters never win"; "If you were going to, you would have" but "Good things come to those who wait"; "Move on" but "If you don't stay friends, you're a bad person".

I am glad I am not a teenager anymore, but men are given a thousand different, conflicting messages and it messes with the head.

Thanks for pointing this out. I've always found this interesting because I've read lots of stories of very old couples (80s and 90s) who've been married for 60+ years, and often times they jokingly tell about how the man asked the woman out 10 times (or whatever) before she finally agreed to go out with him. It's strange, because we treat this as being adorable and romantic, but if a modern man asked a woman out 10 times, he'd be an obsessive stalking creeper who needs to go away.

 

[Headbiter]

The "friend zone" as a concept of course exists, otherwise we wouldn't be able to have this discussion - which, for the record, wouldn't be a bad thing.

As an actual, tangible thing though, no. It's Bullshit, made up to excuse failure. Because god forbid people nowadays might actually not get what they want. It's the same thing as "heavy bones" for obese people. It's an excuse.

You were rejected in your proposal of a steady, intimate relationship. That's it, no more, no less. You didn't fall into some metaphysical nega-zone that seals away your natural, irrestistable charm, nor does a supernatural force dampen your social skills.

The person of your desire simply doesn't find you interesting/exciting/whatever enough to share his/her bed with you. Might change one day, might never change. But whatever happens, it's between you and said person of interest. There's no such thing as a friend zone that locks you away from your "well-deserved" reward.

So yes, the friend zone as a concept exists but its existance is hollow and apologetic in nature.

 

[Jandau]

Yes, I believe that it is possible for someone to be romantically interested in a person and to have that person only see him or her as a friend. In fact, I don't believe this, I know it, as I've been on both sides of it. I have fallen for girls who enjoyed my company, but didn't feel enough chemistry between us to want anything more than friendship. Some of these acquaintances I terminated, some I maintained.

One of my closest friends is a girl I've had an on-and-off crush for about 15 years, she's an awesome person and I want her in my life, even if it's not to the extent I'd like. She's a loyal friend and while I think we'd make a great couple, I accept she doesn't feel the same and enjoy the relationship we do have.

On the other hand, I've friendzoned several girls over the past decade. Once because I was interested in someone else at the time. Once because it was a girl whose company I enjoyed, but whose lifestyle I didn't entirely agree with and didn't want to be involved with to that extent. Once simply because the girl was very nice and we got along great, but I just didn't feel that spark, just a flatline. These were all girls who I liked hanging out with, but wanted nothing more and didn't want to lead them on or use them for sex, despite their interest. And before some jackhole suggests it, none of them were ugly. It wasn't an issue of physical attractiveness.

All in all, the friendzone exists, simply as an objective fact. However, I do acknowledge that the term has been tainted by frustrated misogynists looking for an excuse for their repeated failures with the opposite sex and as a result I tend to avoid it and most discussions regarding it.

 

[And Man]

"Friend zone" is a fucking stupid term that people need to stop using. If a girl rejects you, then say she rejected you.

 

[Verlander]

Friendzone, as in a person who becomes a friend to another person, with whom they have a romantic interest in, but in that second person's mind has now occupied the position of friend, and is excluded from entering into desired romantic relationship?

Nope. I don't believe it exists.

I believe that the "position of friend" is an excuse, a benevolent one as well - the original person is considered a friend, and the recipient doesn't wish to hurt their feelings. I don't think that "being a friend" is ever a serious reason for rejection.

 

[Nimcha]

It's a social concept, of course it exists. We're talking about it now aren't we? Silly question.

If you want to say you think people in that friendzone are losers you can do so without posing logical fallacies.

 

[jamail77]

It's kind of funny because the way I met my current (and only) girlfriend was thus: She walked up to me on the street outside of a shopping mall and asked 'You wanna fuck?' I told her no. Her response was 'That's okay, I can wait.' and then she grabbed me by the collar and literally dragged me into the mall for a date. And somehow that led to a fulfilling (but still platonic after month and a half) relationship. Somehow.

Huh. That's 1 way to start a relationship. Reminds me of this: For some reason, the clip stops there, but I found another clip with the rest of the scene
How similar would you say the event that began your relationship was on a scale of 1 to 10?

 

[Kopikatsu]

Huh. That's 1 way to start a relationship. Reminds me of this: For some reason, the clip stops there, but I found another clip with the rest of the scene
How similar would you say the event that began your relationship was on a scale of 1 to 10?

The first video, not at all. The second video by itself is pretty much 1 for 1 on what happened. So a 10, I guess.

Kinda makes me weirded out, because now that you brought it up, I realize that it's actually really similar to Eska and Bolin. She even gave me a personalized dog collar to wear. So... eh. I guess the difference is that Bolin was freaked out by it, but I'm pretty content.

Now that I think about, she even has an identical twin brother (although they're both blonde with very pale skin). They couldn't be further apart in personality and they don't hang together at all, so at least I don't have to spend all my time with both of them. That would probably make it awkward.

 

[jamail77]

Kinda makes me weirded out, because now that you brought it up, I realize that it's actually really similar to Eska and Bolin. She even gave me a personalized dog collar to wear. So... eh. I guess the difference is that Bolin was freaked out by it, but I'm pretty content.

Now that I think about, she even has an identical twin brother (although they're both blonde with very pale skin).

0_0
It's that similar? Even a dog collar? Jeez. You aren't...you aren't being physically and mentally abused are you? I mean, that is what Eska was doing to Bolin. You're content, so I guess that is a good sign.

Also, might seem like an intrusive question, but I accidentally clicked on your name and went to your profile. Before I left that page I noticed it says you're female. You sound like you're male though? Mistake when creating your profile?

 

[Wethisco]

I would say it does, kind of, but in this kind of way.

I believe it is possible to have a friendship with someone where, despite would've otherwise been attractive physically and mentally, don't want too due to not wanting to damage a friendship and/or find it weird, the idea of dating them, and more comfortable as friends. (Speaking as a male, I have a female friend I feel this way towards) Though, I think it's much more rare and uncommon and the internet makes it out to be, and that in 99% of the time when people are in the friendzone, she's one or more of the following:
A) not physically attracted
B) not mentally attracted
C) doesn't like being around you or of course
D) feels reserved for someone else.

Speaking from experience, it's a more preferable reality that girls be bitches man, rather than she just didn't desire you.

 

[mrbah]

people may or may not be attacted to you.
you can be friends with almost everyone, but to be in a relationship with someone, two people need to fit together or the relationship will not last, preventing a relationship with someone you are not attracted to or don't fit to is in your best self-interest.

 

[sumanoskae]

Considering that it's an expression that refers to thoughts and feelings, it exists so long as people think it exists.

 

[Johnny Impact]

Friend zone is a term invented by unattractive guys angry because they have feelings for women who don't see them as viable mates.

In a word: That's life, kid. Suck it up.

Don't get me wrong, everyone should be able to experience love. I know I'd like to. But pining after a girl who's way out of your league isn't going to improve your life. Been there, done that, couldn't really help doing it, it only ever made me miserable. I was never friend zoned. I knew she didn't want me around at all and I respected her wishes. Never even told her I liked her. What would the point have been?

Being her friend because you want to be her friend is excellent. Being her "friend" because you're infatuated, because you hope she'll change her mind, realize what a great guy you actually are, and fall in love with you is selfish, moronic, dishonest, and most of all futile. Obsessing over lost causes only works in the movies and then only because the dorky protagonist does something cool or heroic which causes a plot-required attitude reversal in the woman of his desire. In the real world you don't get a second chance to show the girl of your dreams what you're made of. Within moments of meeting you she already decided you're too uninteresting to consider.

Side note. I've heard it said that men don't have a friend zone. The argument goes like this.

Women have two different ladders, they are able to rank men on a "friendship value" ladder totally separate from the "sex value" ladder. Each man can be on one or both ladders and can hold vastly different positions from one to the other. Men only have the sex ladder. There is no woman they've met who they don't want to have sex with. It's only a matter of how bad they want it.

I think that's untrue and unfair. I know women I would never under any circumstances have sex with. And before someone says it, it's not an appearance thing. Two of my "never" women are attractive enough to model.

 

[Mahemium]

It does exist, but it's the fault of the guy in these circumstances, not the women. They willingly remain in relationships where they can't get their emotional and physical needs satisfied. Women don't have a magical switch to suddenly make platonic feelings romantic, just the same as guys don't. If you're unable to simply accept the friendship as forever remaining a friendship, you're committing emotional self harm by not removing yourself from the relationship and moving on.

However, though the existence in the "Friend Zone" is ultimately the fault of the guy, I don't entirely blame them for getting themselves stuck there. We have a plethora of men raised by single and/or dominant mothers who educated their sons how to respect women, be courteous, chivalrous and such, but never gave the right advice when it comes to approaching members of the opposite sex and basic sexual cues. In addition, modern media often reinforces the misguided notion that a friendship can somehow blossom into something more if the guy is patient or "nice" enough.

As with any big change, there's going to be collateral damage for the collective good. In the modern world, woman have much more choices and that applies, perhaps more than anything else, to potential partners. A man needs more than a simple income nowadays to be found anything close to desirable or attractive. As such, the "Friend Zoned" generation of men who were taught poorly about etiquette and intimacy and effectively neutered by modern media are the collateral that are left behind.

Well, at least that's my personal, uneducated armchair thesis on the "Friend Zone" anyway.

 

[MeatMachine]

Yeah, I think it exists. I think it's mainly an issue for people lacking in relationship experience. I've been friend-zoned myself, and after realizing it, I was bitter towards my crush for leading me on.

Then I matured, pulled my head out of my ass, and realized I was doing it to myself, and she didn't do anything. I changed the ways I interact with people I wish to pursue, and inevitably end up with them or politely declined. Either way, being honest about my feelings upfront usually resulted in immediate closure, rather than surpressing my true feelings and hoping they'd catch on to subtle hints and swoon for me - which dragged on for weeks before something awkward happened.

 

[blueshark217]

I see two kinds:

1. Being a friendly "nice guy" with a person with the sole intention of having an intimate relationship with her/him, and then acting shocked when he/she shoots isn't interested. That's the bad kind, and should be seen as such.

I'm guilty of this one and not proud of it, so the less I dwell on it the better.

2. When you fall in love with your best friend but don't want to say anything lest you ruin the relationship you already have. This one gets a pass in my book, partly because it happened to me.

Friends since the 7th grade, fell in love with her junior year. At least in my case she was also interested, and when we did break up she moved so I'll never have to see if our friendship was ruined.

 

[wearesoneutralthatithurts]

You wanna know something funny? From personal experience, I know it exists. However, I don't think it's NEARLY as endemic as everyone else thinks, nor is the "friend zone" something inherently evil.[..]
I think where that term could apply is in cases like mine. In high school, I had a best friend whom I had a crush on. Thing is... she had a crush on me too. And admitted it to everyone except me. And told everyone except me that she would like to marry me some day. And despite the fact that she knew I liked her, and she liked me, she insisted we stay just friends and she would always date and chase other folk and quite honestly leave me hanging.

Now, of course, all of this was because she was a horrible person[..]

THATS the point.. If one partner acts in a way that indicates romantic interest, ike acting touchy-feely, going on date and date-like activities, being very sensual but denying romantiv interest and say no to a relationship but continue this behaviior, they are shit.
THESE ARE PEOPLE YOU DONT WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP!

Some guys whine that they do "everything" for her- thats a mistake. Really, if you got rejected, then accept the rejection. Cut ties, even only for a while, a FRIEND will understand this. A FRIEND wont bring up your infatuation and berate you for it. A FRIEND wont act like an "on-off-relationship" like denying romantic interest but having sex or going on date and spending a lot of time together while KNOWING about the unrequisite Love of their "friend".
That is a supremely shitte behavior.

If you meet such a person, RUN. Dont whine, dont get trampled, don´t do shit a partner or lover would do*
This kind of people are toxic. Its fortunate that they arent so ubiquitous, butr sonetimes a toxic person can fly under the radar and their toxicity becomes only obvious when you are in a state of infatuation.

there is a pretty good rule for a lot of interaction:

"If you feel unhappy or sad most the time in or after an interaction with a friend or lover or you dread the prospect of meeting them in the future because of their behaviour, this person is not right for you. Friends or SO should make you happy, not sad, angry or hurt. Be nice to yourself and go."


So if you are in love, that person is not but doesnt respect your boundaries, then cut them off.
Also try to find your boundaries. A good friend will respect them. (and you should respect theirs. so dont badger or pressure people, you cant force love or attraction)

Also people need to learn take rejection. It hurts like shit and we as humans often tend to attack the person we perceive the reason for our hurt. Stopping that behaviour or learning to redirect the hurt into constructive stuff is a very important part of a mature respectful character.




*(be it a task, a date, or be it a high frequency of "friend-dates", or getting lots of gifts or gifting a lot of stuff yourself, doing a lot of errands, at atypical times like for example getting called at 3 am by that person to talk on a day ze knows you have to woks, acting as a garbage disposer for negative thoughts or feelings, because even as a friend you are no therapist and its totally okay to say
" i dont want to talk about this, its hard for me, please talk with other people about your relationship problems, thank you" -especially if you are infatuated. bc it hurts to have to hear about this and nice people who like you will know that and respect your feelings.

 

[Artaneius]

I think a lot of people don't realize is that people are by nature selfish and it goes both ways for men and woman. Many do generally feel entitled when they put a lot of work and effort into something. That's common sense and no one would work on anything if they didn't get what they felt entitled too. Peoples feelings change all the time, how someone feels about you can change at any time and they will do whatever suits their best interests even if it's morally wrong.

Humans being humans and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It's a shame that many of you just want robots. As long as someone puts a lot of work and effort into something, they will expect something back sooner or later.

 

[wearesoneutralthatithurts]

Does it exist? Heck yes, it does, thought I think most people have the wrong of it.

The "Friendzone" isn't "I've been Jane's friend for two years but she's not interested in me."

It's

"I'm not into Jack romantically, but I know he likes me. So, if I flirt with him and make him believe he has a shot at me I can get him to do anything." Basically, all the responsibilities of being in a relationship without any of the wholesome, fulfilling intimacy.

The difference being that in the first situation, Jane simply doesn't want to be in a relationship with Jack. She wants to stay friends. In the second, Jane still doesn't want to be in a relationship with Jack, but she intentionally uses Jack's feelings for her to control him.

Well sometimes people dont see that. I for myself cant flirt for shit, that means that unless I am interested in the guys or gals and approach them or they approach me and are open with it i just never consider any romantic interrest.
I cant read emotions or stuff and starnge rites like gifting stuff.. eh i am not a stereotypical girl, dont gift me shit like clothings, flowers or jewellery, gift me the limited edition of dark souls if u insist...


The relationships I had started usually through meeting, esablishing a friendship(I prefer to know people before I fuck them, to test for asshole-behaviour& other red flags) and casually fucking (if you are a pervert like me you are in a subculture where such stuff is easier and you are only a whore if you wanna get called that was in a scene.

Also i was brought up very open, so i dont have any shame attached to that, i dont care whether people wthink i am bad for liking sex(why the f should I? As long as one is open and honest and respects the boundaries of other people everything is fine)

the fact that this user often approaches people lead to some situations where the people didnt like her back. welp, hurt feelings and such but i had to endure that and learn to cope.

but there were one or two cases where guys were into me but i had no sexual or romantic interest and did for the lord not see theirs until people told me directly. I just acted like normal, so doing stuff together, playing on lan-parties, movie nights and getting annoyed at their constant barrage with messanges (even in a relationship i need time for myself)

and i dont have any problems with shy guys-au contraire. If i am into them i just approach them, its pretty fun and i met my SO in that way(severely sociophobe, talked over the internet more and then met)


So people need to be honest about their feelings and if they are not met ist okay to end the frendship to not endure more emotional pain. And ist totally okay to define boundaries and ask the person to respekt them-like not talking abot their lovelife with you. if they dont respect that, just run, that person is not good for you.

 

[Tsukuyomi]

Sometimes you swing and you miss. Sometimes there's just no connection. It exists, but it really depends on the attitudes of the people involved, I think. Of the dates and relationships I've been in, when I think of them my goal has always been to think of what I did wrong and what I could, and will, do better. Have I met people in whom I've been interested and there's been no interest back? yes. She actually recently got married, and I was happy to give her and her new husband a hug and a handshake at their wedding. A long time ago I realized I swung and I missed with her, so my priority was to move on and learn what I could have done better instead of hanging on indefinitely and waiting for that ever-increasingly unlikely chance things might turn around.

In terms of 'interest was on one side and not the other'? Yes, it exists. I've been through it and come out the other side a (hopefully) better person.

In terms of the above situation and the person not interested manipulating the interested party? I'm sure it exists to some extent but I genuinely hope it's not true 90% of the time or more. I would hope people are not so petty and terrible.

If you happen to miss, you happen to miss. You can still be friends and still enjoy eachothers' company, as long as you set boundaries. For example with my ex my only rule at the beginning was 'don't gush about your next boyfriend and how awesome he is to me.' She understood that and she understood why I said it and to this day she avoids it even though the times she's let it slip I've been okay with it.