Poll: Dumped a girl. Help? Please?

[drummond13]

All of her friends no longer like you now that you dumped her friend?

I'm very confused, were you surprised by this?

 

[132635]

Gonna clear up some more!!! Not dating Girl B publicly at this point, just between us two. I knew Girl B from about August last year. Girl A I met during that summer. Girl A wasn't pregnant, and sex was NOT involved. She claimed to have loved me, but I have doubts on that. Being 15, people suspect us to throw I love you around like its nothing. I however don't, and didn't return what she had claimed. Its not as if I did this for the shits or giggles either, I was legitimately way less happy with Girl A

 

[132635]

Well, I was dating a girl since December, but yesterday, Monday the blah blah. I decided on the way to school that I was going to end it. I had fallen for another girl. Now, she didn't "seduce me" into taking her over my current date. I was just more attracted to her, and generally happier when I was with her. I told my (ex) girlfriend that I had feelings for other people. She knew who I meant. Immediately, all of her friends who tolerated me as the Mr. Nice Guy lynched me. All my guy friends told me I did what was right. So, my fellow Escapists, is what I did wrong? Should I feel angry over my choices?

What you did wrong was not ending the first relationship when you began to suspect you weren't committed to it. Jumping from one relationship into another looks like sketchy timing, and they probably assume there was some infidelity involved.

Try to think more about how your actions effect other people.

 

[DoomyMcDoom]

*snip*

*snippety*

Your attempts to dodge this by saying it isn't so bad ignore some things. First, since when is causing harm a good thing? Yes people should get over being hurt, but that doesn't make it right to hurt people. If this excuse was viable, it would be perfectly legal to go around punching people. They'll get better. Second, your opinions of sex are just that: opinion. Likely, "she" believed sex was just between them and felt used. You are ignoring her needs and wants in every aspect of this, saying basically that she should suck it up and would benefit from becoming a slut. What about her feelings here? She probably feels deeply violated!

I wasn't saying she SHOULD become a slut, I'm just saying a lot of people choose that path, it was a disconnected statement sorta related to the topic... Also, if you haven't noticed LIFE IS A STRING OF DISSAPOINTMENTS in fact a great deal of real life is situations shitting all over you, people being insensitive pricks and assholes, and nothing you do can change that, it's better to get used to that early, that not everything works out, not everything is bright and beautiful and not everything goes your way, this is a lot different than punching people, don't make that connection, incidental emotional pain is far different than random acts of physical violence.

Also he never said anything about cheating on her, how do you know he did? I'm sorry to burst your bubble of moral superiority here, but dumping someone to be with someone else who you are more compatible with is FAR FAR FAR FAR better than living in a situation where you know you won't be happy, and thus cannot make your partner happy... She will find someone else, hell in life as a girl ALL YOU HAFTA DO IS EXIST and someone will want you... Don't get all butthurt on behalf of someone who will likely forget about the whole thing a couple weeks from now.

Also "Deeply violated" is a term more appropriate for rape or assault, than being dumped... I'm almost offended by your connection of such a severe turn of phrase to such a mundane every day occurance...

 

[Commissar Sae]

You probably could have broken it to her with a little more tact, but honestly you made the right choice. My roomate stayed in limbo for way too long with his last girlfriend to the point where he was pretty much splitting his time between two girls. Honestly while it worked out for him in the end (beakup with first girl was mutual) it had a lot of chance to messily explode in his face.

Breakups suck for everyone involved, but they are sometimes a necessity. I probably wouldn't have admitted having feelings for someone else though, since that usually hits pretty hard.

 

[smithy_2045]

edit:
Also, a question to the people who say "you could've handled this better": can I ask how? Unless that's a long-distance relationship thing or anything he can flat-out keep secret(which it really didn't sound like it was, considering his old girl knew who this was), what could he have done?

IMO, dumping someone and immediately getting into a relationship with someone else isn't cool. That's what it boils down to for me.

As opposed to staying in a relationship you don't want to be in?

Or opposed to dumping her without giving her a reason, waiting for your ex to get over you(which can take a long time), and then getting together with the person you specifically dumped your girlfriend for?

Or to plainly cheating?

That's the only other solutions I see. The first one is something nobody with a sliver of self-respect should ever do to themselves. The second one will probably cause you to lose both girls, thus you end up shooting yourself in the foot. The third one is self-explanatory why you shouldn't do.
Again, what other solutions are there?

I would've gone with a couple of weeks without entering into the new relationship. I wouldn't specifically say it's because I found a new girl, rather I would've said something along the lines of it's not working out, with a couple of specific reasons why. If the new girl is any good, she will be willing to wait a couple of weeks. If she can't wait, the potential relationship was doomed before it started. But that's just my take on it, I'm not really an expert when it comes to relationships.

 

[Fleetfiend]

I think that what you did was fine. The other girl makes you happier? Then you should have the right to be with her instead. Especially since you aren't married or anything...

Personally, I think it's better to end it as soon as you want to end it rather than dragging it out. Dragging it out just makes it harder and more painful for all parties involved.

 

[Carbonyl]

If you had stayed in a relationship you were not happy in, and tried to fake it, you would have been doing the wrong thing. Telling her the truth and attempting to make the unpleasant but necessary decision to leave the relationship before it had a chance to become emotionally unhealthy was the responsible thing, even if it isn't the nice thing. You made a choice to be honest and responsible, even if you don't feel like you're being the good guy, because some part of you feels like the reasons you gave were not good enough, or selfish. Her friends' reactions are immature, but understandable. Don't beat yourself up over it.

 

[Nieroshai]

That makes sense, but I guess our definition of "morally gray" differs. A morally white choice is entirely untainted by ethical issues. A morally gray issue can either be an issue where some wrong was done but possibly for a good reason (hurting someone to gain personal happiness), or that there is neither right nor wrong in the issue (reading a magazine while waiting for the dentist). I will say right now that morally gray is not necessarily something to be avoided. If he was deeply unhappy, he was right to move on. Some decisions do not have a morally white response. Spider-man must save the falling bus OR Mary Jane, but either way someone must die by his choice. OP must leave, or else be unhappy and constantly regretting his current relationship. It's morally gray because while it did good for him, it did bad for someone else. One thing that even caused me to bring up the infidelity argument in the first place is my feeling that we don't have the full story. Was he fine with her til the new girl came along, or was he already unhappy? Did his heart want to leave from the beginning, or did his penis decide the grass would be greener? In my experience, there is always more to the story than told, especially when someone wants out of a relationship.

I guess I don't see as the choice between hurting her over the short term (breaking up) or hurting her and yourself both a lot more on the long term (staying together even though you clearly don't want to) qualifies as morally grey. Seems pretty clear cut to me.

I mean every decision you make is going to do bad for someone else. Every time I go shopping groceries I'm making other people wait in line. I'm spending that money on myself instead of dying African children. I'm polluting the environment with the packaging of my products. etc.

I still can't really think of grocery shopping as morally grey. Seems pretty clear cut to me.

As for the full story, we don't know the full story. It's useless to speculate. The OP asked for advice given the details he provided. It's useless to provide advice based on your own speculation. In the end, I don't believe it's our place to speculate and judge.

Good points all, I think we have a decent middle ground. I suppose it isn't our place to speculate, and that may be my ultimate problem: my background makes me feel that speculation is necessary because the situation (presumably) can't be that simple. We were asked a simple question, and I probably read in too far. Handshake?

 

[Hagi]

Good points all, I think we have a decent middle ground. I suppose it isn't our place to speculate, and that may be my ultimate problem: my background makes me feel that speculation is necessary because the situation (presumably) can't be that simple. We were asked a simple question, and I probably read in too far. Handshake?

Handshake it is .

Nice talking to you and I wish you a good day (or night) further.

 

[someonehairy-ish]

Oops. For some I reason I read the poll question as 'was what I did wrong?' and hit no... oops.

 

[Psychedelic Spartan]

I think you did the right thing. No one cheated on anyone, and you were honest with her. Most men would have just cheated on her and been left with no girl.

 

[Biosophilogical]

How can you continue a monogamous relationship when you have stronger feelings for someone else? If you'd continued it, it would have just been insulting and dishonest.

 

[ImperialSunlight]

If you felt like the relationship wasn't working for you, then telling the person is the best thing to do. There's nothing wrong with what you did, especially since you had been with her for such short time.

 

[Troublesome Lagomorph]

Better than two-timing the poor girl. She'll get over this MUCH easier.

 

[Tiger Sora]

Remember, other than family, you owe no one nothing. Ya you may be dating a person, and you've a really close relationship. But still, if you're not gona be happy with them the rest of your life, well its yours not theres. And if you can find another person, so can they.
A bit self centered. But you can't deny really.

 

[theLadyBugg]

Well, put it this way: if, in about four months' time Girl B breaks it off with you because she's more attracted to somebody else, how are you going to feel? Not awesome, probably. And your friends may or may not get as harsh toward her as Girl A's friends have been to you, but you can be damn sure they won't all tell you, "Girl B did the right thing, leaving you for that other bloke, you have to respect that."

Also -- and this is really important -- you're 15. So it doesn't really matter if what you did was ultimately the best way to go about it, as long as your heart was in the right place and nobody was grievously damaged. The fact the you are/were concerned about doing the right thing as you act is enough. Girl A and her friends will have plenty of opportunity to get over it. And you'll have plenty of opportunity to figure out how to better go about ending a relationship over the course of your life (protip: there's almost no way to do it without somebody getting hurt).

 

[Dr Snakeman]

Well, first of all, a relationship is a commitment. If you leave your girl for another one, you'd better have thought long and hard about it.

Basically, my answer is... it depends. If you just decided to dump your (now ex) girlfriend just "on the way to school", then yeah, that's kind of messed up. But if you really thought you'd be happier with this other girl, then what you did is okay.

Also, it largely depends on how you went about ending it. This kind of news needs to be broken to someone very gently.

 

[132635]

It was something I had been considering for weeks, I had decided that morning, second guessed myself a little later, and became adamant on doing it on the way to her

 

[mitchell271]

If it was on impulse, yeah, you're kind of a dick. If it had been for a while, then not so much. Think of it this way: at least you told her about it and she didn't find out after you started cheating on her.