Poll: What is your view on a "polyamory" relationship?
- Thread starter ch0pstixZ
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Polyamorous relationships are like any kind of relationship. As in they work if the people work and don't if the people don't work.
To the OP. You mention that a previous relationship started to go wrong because... "What I found with my last girlfriend is, the more time you spend next to a spouse, the more the little niggling facts that irritate you about them start to show."
Now, first, this happens to ALL romantic relationships. Every single one. Usually around the four year mark, which is when the infatuation stage of a relationship starts to fade. What it is not, is a signal that you are with the wrong partner, or that you need a new partner. As mentioned already, it happens to everyone. Its the sign that you have progressed to the point in your relationship where... well, to be perfectly frank, where you need to grow out of the kid stage as a couple and in to the adult stage as a couple.
There was actually an article about this exact thing in the February edition of Psychology Today, which I highly suggest you read. I won't go into any of the science details or psychology behind it, because, ya know, it's a forum. If anyone wants to ask I'll be glad to share though.
The bottom line is, polyamorous relationships can and in some cases should work. The same goes for monogamous relationships. It all depends on who you are, who your spouse(s) is/are, and what you are willing to put into a relationship etc.
Oh, and usually polyamorous relationships only work if everyone loves everyone. It isn't necessary, but it definitely helps to be bi.
To the OP. You mention that a previous relationship started to go wrong because... "What I found with my last girlfriend is, the more time you spend next to a spouse, the more the little niggling facts that irritate you about them start to show."
Now, first, this happens to ALL romantic relationships. Every single one. Usually around the four year mark, which is when the infatuation stage of a relationship starts to fade. What it is not, is a signal that you are with the wrong partner, or that you need a new partner. As mentioned already, it happens to everyone. Its the sign that you have progressed to the point in your relationship where... well, to be perfectly frank, where you need to grow out of the kid stage as a couple and in to the adult stage as a couple.
There was actually an article about this exact thing in the February edition of Psychology Today, which I highly suggest you read. I won't go into any of the science details or psychology behind it, because, ya know, it's a forum. If anyone wants to ask I'll be glad to share though.
The bottom line is, polyamorous relationships can and in some cases should work. The same goes for monogamous relationships. It all depends on who you are, who your spouse(s) is/are, and what you are willing to put into a relationship etc.
Oh, and usually polyamorous relationships only work if everyone loves everyone. It isn't necessary, but it definitely helps to be bi.
No way. I'm in a relationship at the moment. I spent a year chasing after this girl and we've now been going out for 3 months and I'm already madly in love. I couldn't imagine sharing her with anyone else or being shared by anyone else. A relationship is two people who love each other.
That being said, if there are people who can be polyamorous and be happy with it, fine by me; I just couldn't do it myself.
That being said, if there are people who can be polyamorous and be happy with it, fine by me; I just couldn't do it myself.
Not for me...
I'm a bit of a traditionalist though, amd my veiws on most matter that involve tradition and morals for some reason lie somewhere in the late 1800's, and marriage is something you do with one person, and for life!!
The idea of a guy being 'in love' with more than one person is absurd to me. Human emotion will always favour something over others. You can be a big fan of crisps (chips in US English), and enjoy eating all types and flavours, but you are always going to have that soft spot for those prawn cocktail, or worcestershire sauce ones that you like the most.
Now I agree, nobody is perfect, and you are going to see inperfections in your partner, but the concept of love allows you to overcome this, and if you can't, then maybe they arn't the one for you! Although it is logical to balance out what is wrong with one boy/birl with the strengths og another, but that doesn't make it emotionally moral! You are always going to favour one, and that isn't fair on the other...
And if it was the other way round it would just tear me apart! Knowing I am sharing a girl I love with another man... that's just wrong! And probably slightly awkward...! Relationships and love are something that is hardwired to be between two people, and its that what makes them so awesome and special! The feeling you get when you eventually feel like 2 halfs of one person! That is something that cannot be replicated to a 3rd person!
I'm a bit of a traditionalist though, amd my veiws on most matter that involve tradition and morals for some reason lie somewhere in the late 1800's, and marriage is something you do with one person, and for life!!
The idea of a guy being 'in love' with more than one person is absurd to me. Human emotion will always favour something over others. You can be a big fan of crisps (chips in US English), and enjoy eating all types and flavours, but you are always going to have that soft spot for those prawn cocktail, or worcestershire sauce ones that you like the most.
Now I agree, nobody is perfect, and you are going to see inperfections in your partner, but the concept of love allows you to overcome this, and if you can't, then maybe they arn't the one for you! Although it is logical to balance out what is wrong with one boy/birl with the strengths og another, but that doesn't make it emotionally moral! You are always going to favour one, and that isn't fair on the other...
And if it was the other way round it would just tear me apart! Knowing I am sharing a girl I love with another man... that's just wrong! And probably slightly awkward...! Relationships and love are something that is hardwired to be between two people, and its that what makes them so awesome and special! The feeling you get when you eventually feel like 2 halfs of one person! That is something that cannot be replicated to a 3rd person!
I think it is a good idea and completely fine but for many people it could cause lots of tensions such as are the girls sleeping with the other guy because he is better than me in bed? I SHOULD HIDE IN THE CORNER AND CRY!!!!!!!!!!! But it is entirely possible for those involved to make it work. It strikes me as being like a group of friends with benefits scheme. Those who don't mind for casual sex and are capable of having friends without any insecurities then I think it'll work fine for them. As for me?, I think I'll be okay in such a relationship.
Uh...I guess it could work, but it's not my cup of tea.
If I were to enter into a relationship with someone who was polyamorous, depending on how strongly I felt for them I'd either end the relationship or let them have their polygamy while letting them know that I wouldn't feel right doing it to them.
Then again, I've never been in a relationship so I wouldn't know.
If I were to enter into a relationship with someone who was polyamorous, depending on how strongly I felt for them I'd either end the relationship or let them have their polygamy while letting them know that I wouldn't feel right doing it to them.
Then again, I've never been in a relationship so I wouldn't know.
Seen a lot of couples try variations of it. Has always ended in tears.
I don't believe that to be the ONLY conceivable outcome, but the only people I know of who saw lasting success at it are a husband and wife sex store owner couple and 2 sets of people who authored books on the subject.
I don't believe that to be the ONLY conceivable outcome, but the only people I know of who saw lasting success at it are a husband and wife sex store owner couple and 2 sets of people who authored books on the subject.
Eh, whatever works.
Mind you the only person I know that wasn't into that is now happily monogamous, and another person who was going to try it couldn't manage to get more than one partner at a time.
Mind you the only person I know that wasn't into that is now happily monogamous, and another person who was going to try it couldn't manage to get more than one partner at a time.
Nope.
If other people can do it, fine, but I will be staying far away from anyone involved in one or wants to be involved in one.
If other people can do it, fine, but I will be staying far away from anyone involved in one or wants to be involved in one.
That's a.. complicated question.Phasmal said:
I think romantic love often only works between two people. It's built, ultimately, around the idea that there's one special person out there who will complete your life and make you happy forever. I just think there are other forms of love outside of that frame of reference which might be harder to grasp but are no less fulfilling.
For all the talk in the self help books about how poly people are a kind of superhuman breed of hyper-sensitive social geniuses who can navigate hugely complicated relationships by learning a few simple techniques mysteriously lost to the rest of the population, a lot of poly relationships are quite short lived. There are real problems when you take a model of relationships designed for two person heterosexual couples and try to add more people to it.
However, I think if you recognize that the love you feel for people is limited and contingent, that it only works because of a specific type of connection which can come and go rather than being written in the stars. If you expect your relationships to be a meeting of independent minds rather than an all consuming sacrifice to one another, then I think you can deal much more readily with the idea of feeling something approximating love for multiple people.
Do I love my partners? Well, I love my friends, and the two people I'd call my "partners" are very dear friends to me. Do I love them in some special, formalized and socially acknowledged way which goes above and beyond what we can personally do for each other in the immediate situation? I suppose not. Do I love them equally and in the same way? No. Do I think it's necessary to love someone to have sex with them? No, I don't think that's true either.
I don't want to give away too much specific information about my life, but I hope that answers the question a degree.
Not sure why I would do that to myself.
Dealing with one person's inevitable issues is a chore by itself. I can't imagine the stress of tacking on another angle to a relationship.
Weird thing is that I know a girl who is polyamorous and she seems quite content with it. Then again, she's always struck me as a cloud cuckoolander.
Dealing with one person's inevitable issues is a chore by itself. I can't imagine the stress of tacking on another angle to a relationship.
Weird thing is that I know a girl who is polyamorous and she seems quite content with it. Then again, she's always struck me as a cloud cuckoolander.
That was indeed helpful, its nice to get someone else's perspective.evilthecat said:
I do have trouble understanding poly relationships, because I can't imagine loving more than one person the way I love my boyfriend.
But of course, if it makes people happy.
I'm a one partner kind of guy. If I can't be a responsible part of a single romantic relationship I can't imagine trying to manage several.
So yeah, a definite no for me but I am indifferent to how you spend your time or your sexuality.
So yeah, a definite no for me but I am indifferent to how you spend your time or your sexuality.
I don't have any problems with the idea of it, and have at least one friend who seems to manage polyamorous relationships pretty well.
Personally however, I couldn't do it. I am not the most secure person in the world (and I appear to have abandonment issues), so I wouldn't be able to handle any partner(s) doing it, which wouldn't be fair.
Personally however, I couldn't do it. I am not the most secure person in the world (and I appear to have abandonment issues), so I wouldn't be able to handle any partner(s) doing it, which wouldn't be fair.
Let's just say I love three women. 1&2 are good friends, 2&3 are best friends, and 1&3 aren't especially familiar with each other.
If I could somehow have a relationship with all three together...I think I'd've won the game.
I just realized you could call #1 "Intelligence", #2 "Charisma", and #3 "Wisdom", and that would aptly describe the three of them. Weird.
If I could somehow have a relationship with all three together...I think I'd've won the game.
I just realized you could call #1 "Intelligence", #2 "Charisma", and #3 "Wisdom", and that would aptly describe the three of them. Weird.
Well I think if you have an emotional attachment and genuinely love and respect two different people (and both others feel the same way) then it's no different than feeling that way for just one. It's uncommon because I think most people who enter into such relationships think it's all gonna be threesomes and watching them make out.
Basically, if you are in a stable relationship right now, imagine that girl (I'm male, so I'm giving the male perspective on this) and now imagine two of her, both the good AND bad aspects. It would be just like having one girlfriend: it's not going to be just sex and making out all the time, there has to be an emotional commitment. And it's difficult to feel true emotional attachment to more than one person.
Basically, if you are in a stable relationship right now, imagine that girl (I'm male, so I'm giving the male perspective on this) and now imagine two of her, both the good AND bad aspects. It would be just like having one girlfriend: it's not going to be just sex and making out all the time, there has to be an emotional commitment. And it's difficult to feel true emotional attachment to more than one person.
It's difficult/impossible for me to be romantically interested in anyone "at random" so to speak. I've got three settings: don't care, friends, love
Love tends to sneak up on me from amidst close long-term friendship and I don't realize it before it's faaaar too late to do anything about it.
So, I do in fact love 3 people.
One of them (#3), I've internally come to recognize as my "partner" or "teammate" rather than someone who really shares many of my interests. We trust each other to the ends of the Earth and we call on each other in dire circumstances, dead certain in the knowledge that together we can solve anything....but we're a bit awkward at just hanging out. Probably because she lives too far away for us to build up a lot of shared experiences to spring off from, TBH.
Nonetheless, I still love her.
The "love" setting doesn't seem to really go away. If all three of them were open to the idea, I honestly think the whole thing could actually work out fantastically. But they're probably not..... #1 is bi, #2 is kinda but not really bi, and #3 is just straight AFAIK. ....And I don't think I could handle other guys, so it wouldn't really be fair in the other direction.
I wonder if most people only being able to care about one person at a time is a self-defense mechanism or something. Gods know my life is more complicated than it should be....
Love tends to sneak up on me from amidst close long-term friendship and I don't realize it before it's faaaar too late to do anything about it.
So, I do in fact love 3 people.
One of them (#3), I've internally come to recognize as my "partner" or "teammate" rather than someone who really shares many of my interests. We trust each other to the ends of the Earth and we call on each other in dire circumstances, dead certain in the knowledge that together we can solve anything....but we're a bit awkward at just hanging out. Probably because she lives too far away for us to build up a lot of shared experiences to spring off from, TBH.
Nonetheless, I still love her.
The "love" setting doesn't seem to really go away. If all three of them were open to the idea, I honestly think the whole thing could actually work out fantastically. But they're probably not..... #1 is bi, #2 is kinda but not really bi, and #3 is just straight AFAIK. ....And I don't think I could handle other guys, so it wouldn't really be fair in the other direction.
I wonder if most people only being able to care about one person at a time is a self-defense mechanism or something. Gods know my life is more complicated than it should be....
Hold on, let me go ask my wife...
No, I would not be in a polyamorous relationship (apparently). Lol.
No, I would not be in a polyamorous relationship (apparently). Lol.
