Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[UltraDeth]

Granted, it shatters when you put it on

I wish a had a white suit with gold liner

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it will always be too dirty to see the while or the [fake] gold liner...

I wish for a 60's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy TV series!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted, but it is universally hated by the entire human race.

I wish for more wishes!

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, only I can use them!

I wish to use my new wishes for the greater good!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, but in another they're used fro greater evil

I wish I met an alien

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. It eats you and uses your skin to infiltrate humanity

I wish Warner Brothers could make a good superhero movie about someone who isn't Batman.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, at that point, no one ends up watching it due to already losing fate in WB's superhero movie department...

I wish I broke a record!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, least intelligent comment

I wish I could have a briefcase full of money for everyday I wake up

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

It gets stolen every day.

I wish I was a great warrior

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, you're a great warrior in the "always losing" department...

I wish to *****-slap a fish!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, it immediately slaps you back

I wish I felt the touch of a woman

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, you're juggling live grenades

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it was ruined by the time-space continuum, thus it could never happen in this timeline and/or in any timeline...

I wish there were no hyperbolic stigmas!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

granted, but there are tons of non-hyperbolic stigmas.

I wish for nothing!

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, you will never be a baller... on top of always getting comas by always hitting those low beams and doorways...

I wish for a visit from the Tooth Fairy!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, all your teeth are taken

I wish I could go adventuring to far off places

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, you die in an undisclosed location and no one feels like trying to find your body due to how far away you "initially" are...

I wish to take care of Alvin in a negative way!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted, but Alvin's ghost haunts you, seeking revenge.

I wish next year's Wyoming's Big Show/Sweetwater County Fair would feature Weird Al Yankovic.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, he's only there to "badmouth" Wyoming in general, causing the next civil war of our generation...

I wish I could care [more] about the show Dominion!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, they've already been chosen and it's not something you'd like

I wish I could take money from thin air