Ruin-A-Wish Foundation.

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. Instead you get to go to the Far Realm, an alien place of total madness and mind-shredding insanity for christmas.

I wish I could fix anything.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it's does not include you or anyone you care about...

I wish to win the Insomniac Olympus!

 

[Headsprouter]

Congrats! You just did! But your brain is irreversibly damaged.

I wish everyone on earth had a boner- even those without the means!

 

[UltraDeth]

Granted, but that includes women and everyone's getting rammed whether they want to or not

I wish I was multi-instrumentalist

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted, you lose any ability you had in all other areas.

I wish all my friends would strike it rich.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, they'll stop being your friend to the point of self-amnesia...

I wish Sundance was always off and slightly turned on!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. It is forever ruined.

I wish the next poster would have the best Christmas ever!

 

[Wary Wolf]

Granted! But yours was better.

I wish 2016 will bring added growth and maturity to us all.

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. We all become super boring.

I wish for an end to all war.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, it lasted less than a second and it's all because of Steam as of Christmas 2015...

I wish I was a Bass Thug!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. The bass mafia murders you for operating on their surf.

I wish the broncos would win the last game of the season.

 

[Redlin5_v1legacy]

Granted but playing it on a computer doesn't count in the league.

I wish TeamFourStar updates came faster.

 

[Barbas]

Granted. Unfortunately, they've also been disqualified from whatever tournament they're in for defecating in a public fountain.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted... well... with a lot more anti-climatic elements that your heart can't take without a good stroke or two...

I wish revenge was in a hotter dish!

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

The dish burns your hands.

I wish the Patriots would go one and done in the playoffs.

 

[Barbas]

Granted. The Patriots will be wiped out the next day in a nuclear strike.

I wish I was a rich artist.

 

[Drake the Dragonheart]

Granted. Your art becomes worth a fortune after your passing.

I wish Carrie Underwood would get fat. "when she walks out to get her mail, it measures on the Richter Scale" fat.

 

[Barbas]

Granted. She lands on your house.

I wish Han Solo was a real person who flew around in a plane above my neighbourhood.

 

[FPLOON]

Granted, he can never have a soft spot for you, kid...

I wish Off The Air was on DVD!

 

[Barbas]

Granted. All copies are now rated EC-10, Condemned.

I wish the bluebirds would come back.